Pda...what would you do?

somethingsilver

I've been having an issue and maybe you guys can shed some light onto it.

I have 2 friends who are together and their relationship is obviously, completely different from my BF and I. My BF and I are pretty physical, like many of you ladies mentioned in the other thread about affection. Always holding hands in public, the occasional kiss, just connecting a lot. BF and I find this important to our relationship and it makes us happy.

On the flip side are our friends who pretty much have no affection in their relationship. Although I guess it must work for them since they're still together, they usually don't hold hands in public. (did when they first started going out, but not now.) They act like completely different entities. 

Now I know that obviously, our two relationships couldn't be more different and shouldn't be compared, but how can I deal with it when the two friends in the other relationship critcize how physical BF and I are? They call us high schoolish and other things just because we do show PDA. 

Any advice? I may be off and maybe BF and I should tone it down, but it's really not more than any of you ladies described in the affection thread. I'm just at a loss at what to do and I go back to school on Sunday and will be around them again.

Swazzle

I don't think there's anything wrong with a little PDA.  FI & I always hold hands in public & we kiss every now & then just because the mood strikes one of us.  I'm not talking about a make out session in the middle of the street of course.  But I see no problem at all with what you're saying you & your BF do.  

I would probably tell them that each relationship is different & if you holding hands with your BF & giving him a kiss in front of them makes them uncomfortable maybe they should hang out with other people.  I may sound like a biitch but someone telling me that I'm acting childish because I hold my FI's hand in public would piss me off.  

Edited for clarity

somethingsilver

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_pdawhat-would?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d22d9a84-bc9b-47de-a3d7-6326429c482fPost:55c12436-9fa6-442c-94f2-b541a895612c">Re: Pda...what would you do?</a>:
[QUOTE]I didn't read the other thread, but <strong>I'm pretty uncomfortable when a couple is constantly making out or talking baby talk to each other.</strong>  FI and I are very affectionate when we're at home, but we act like adults in public.  The extent of our PDAs are holding hands when we're walking and maybe a peck here and there, but usually not.  I am not a fan of showing much affection in public.   I don't understand how not showing PDAs would be a problem, as you indicate by saying "I guess it works for them."  There is nothing wrong with my relationship because I respect the people around me enough to keep my hands off FI until we're alone.  When we are with other people, we try to maintain our separate identities - it's just what one does as an adult.   I recently was out to dinner with a group of friends.  I was sitting across from my friend and her BF of a few months.  They kept kissing during dinner, and it started making me and the two girls next to me fairly uncomfortable.  I get that they are in a new relationship, but honestly, I was trying to eat my dinner.  Not to mention - <strong>the rest of us were all talking and having nice conversations, while the two of them were off in their own little world. </strong> We weren't there to watch them make out, we were there to catch up.  (These are my roommates from college - a few I haven't seen in a while, including a girl who was visiting from CA.)   If your friends are telling you it bothers them, then LISTEN.  I DO think it's childish to act like that, to be quite honest.  
Posted by yaga13[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Bolded part one: That's the thing. We DON'T do that. We never use baby talk and it's usually just holding hands and maybe a peck.</div><div>
</div><div>Bolded part two: I agree that's really rude. We don't have the issue of being in our own world or anything like that. That's the problem. We don't understand why they're so mad.

</div>

somethingsilver

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_pdawhat-would?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d22d9a84-bc9b-47de-a3d7-6326429c482fPost:9b1e3bae-5788-4555-95fc-323682ee141a">Re: Pda...what would you do?</a>:
[QUOTE]The part about them acting like "two different entities" is what's sticking out.  Are you two more or less joined at the hip and constantly speaking for each other?  Because that would make me want to stop hanging out with you.  I love when my friends get boyfriends because it's another friend in the mix - unless they start to meld into one person and I can't even interact with my friend herself anymore.  Do you get what I'm saying?  
Posted by yaga13[/QUOTE]

<div>I do completely understand what you're saying. I just don't relate to it. Whenever we're together in the group, I always find myself in my own conversations. Many of the times we won't be in the same room unless everyone's all together. </div>

elannis

Maybe you can just talk to them and ask them why it bothers them.

elannis

It might just be that they're more conservative than you are, so they are picking up more of what Yaga is saying and you don't see it as a big deal from your perspective. So I'd say go talk to them and see what exactly is bothering them. It's hard for us to say because we don't see exactly how you are with each other and we don't know your friends either.

Stina51286

FI and I rarely engage in PDA. We would rather keep it private. Occassionally we'll kiss in public but most of the time its bc im drunk and I initiate it.

somethingsilver

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_pdawhat-would?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d22d9a84-bc9b-47de-a3d7-6326429c482fPost:20dd9342-b618-4246-a096-2aa93d3d2180">Re: Pda...what would you do?</a>:
[QUOTE]It might just be that they're more conservative than you are, so they are picking up more of what Yaga is saying and you don't see it as a big deal from your perspective. So I'd say go talk to them and see what exactly is bothering them. It's hard for us to say because we don't see exactly how you are with each other and we don't know your friends either.
Posted by elannis[/QUOTE]

<div>Yea, thanks Ely. It really may be a deal with conservative versus not so much. we have very different views regarding just about everything in a relationship. It might just be one of those things we are going to butt heads with.</div>

jorja86

I agree that hand holding and occasional "PG" kissing is OK, but anything beyond that is annoying.

I don't really understand what you don't relate to. It seems from what you're saying that you and your BF are capable of hanging out with others without being attached at the hip, but you seem to be confused as to why your friends act as "two separate entities". It just sounds to be like they aren't as physically demonstrative. Do they totally ignore each other or something?

I don't think it's right of your friends to judge your relationship based on something as personal as physical affection (as long as it isn't ridiculous), but it sounds like you're okay with judging their relationship based on the same criteria.

What you describe between you and your BF wouldn't be enough for me to not want to hang out with you, but it sounds like it does bother your friends. If your relationship with these people is that important to you, I would just tone it back when you're around them, since you now know that it does irritate them.

[Deleted User]

andplusalso... your relationship isn't even 4 months, so that's going to make a difference.  DH and I were probably more physically affectionate the first few months we were dating... in a different way.  we still hold hands, and he'll kiss me on the forehead or on the cheek, but we do act differently than we did when we had only been dating 4 months.  when we were only dating 4 months, we were still in the giddy-phase.  the type of physical affection we show in public is different now.  plus, we're a few years older now, too.

so... basically, I guess I'm saying age and length of relationship makes a difference in the amount/type of displayed physical affection in a relationship.  at least in ours.  we're more grounded now.  although we do display physical affection in front of friends (holding hands, rubbing back or arm, hugs, kiss on cheek or forehead once in a while) we save the good stuff (kissing on the lips, etc.) for when we're at home.  why would we want to force other people to witness our intimacy?  yuck.  it makes me uncomfortable to see other people do it, so I'm not going to do it to them.  maybe when I was younger and we were only dating a few months, I didn't care so much what other people thought ("screw them!  we're in LURVE!  we KISS!"), but now that we've grown older and gained a little more maturity, we save it.

and it's good.  yeah. 

edited for more clarity, because it's early and I'm only on my first cup of coffee. 

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_pdawhat-would?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d22d9a84-bc9b-47de-a3d7-6326429c482fPost:f29e12d7-daf5-4228-98f9-9666e54f77ba">Re: Pda...what would you do?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Pda...what would you do? : <strong>But if it bothers them, you should respect that and act appropriately around them (within some boundaries, of course - hand holding, not a big deal, but frequent kissing probably is).</strong>    PDA is probably the only thing that my friends and I are "conservative" about - but I think it's just that we have enough respect for each other that we don't make them uncomfortable in social settings.  
Posted by yaga13[/QUOTE]

this is exactly what I meant in my response below...  about, "screw them, we're in lurve, we kiss!"...  that's really not the appropriate response.  the appropriate and mature response is to respect THEIR boundaries.  you'll still get your lovin' at home, but don't make your friends uncomfortable (when you KNOW that it makes them uncomfortable).  I think anything beyond hand holding, non-sexual touching of arms/backs/etc., kissing on forehead or cheek and POSSIBLY a PECK on the lips (not a full-out kiss) is too much.

Swazzle

I guess I'm in the minority here but if me & FI holding hands while we walk down the street makes a friend of mine uncomfortable that's really on them.  We're holding hands not having a make out session.  I'm 26 years old, if I want to hold hands with my FI or give him a kiss on the lips because I feel like it, then I'm going to.  A friend saying that I'm acting "high schoolish" or childish/immature for doing this would really bother me. 

wink0erin

Bf and I don't really do PDA. Neither of us like it. Sometimes we'll hold hands or I'll hold onto his arm, and sometimes we'll stop for a quick peck if the mood strikes. When drunk the pecks are more frequent.:P This made me think of a couple weeks ago when BF and I went out to dinner at Red Lobster. While we were waiting there was a young (teenage) couple standing by the lobster tank staring at each other, rubbing on each other, standing 3 inches from each other and kissing EVERY two minutes. It was disgusting. Everyone in the waiting area was watching them and making yuck faces. But I'm sure the couple thought what they were doing was perfectly normal. I felt sorry for the lobsters who were right there the whole time. I also don't see the problem of a couple being "two seperate entities." I mean come on, they are two separate people. Being in a couple doesnt mean they have to be attached at the hip at all times.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_pdawhat-would?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d22d9a84-bc9b-47de-a3d7-6326429c482fPost:54e13b46-50db-451f-9606-24f125b19fab">Re: Pda...what would you do?</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess I'm in the minority here but if me & FI holding hands while we walk down the street makes a friend of mine uncomfortable that's really on them.  We're holding hands not having a make out session.  I'm 26 years old, if I want to hold hands with my FI or give him a kiss on the lips because I feel like it, then I'm going to.  A friend saying that I'm acting "high schoolish" or childish/immature for doing this would really bother me. 
Posted by rdr716[/QUOTE]

I think that the rest of us (well, at least Yaga and I) agree with that.  to a certain extent, some physical affection is okay.  but beyond a certain point, it's just... too much.

for me, if we're with a couple that is touching in a sexual way or kissing on the lips a lot, it's going to make me uncomfortable.  I don't mind holding hands, hugging, light kissing on cheek/forehead/peck on lips, rubbing back/arm/etc.  if it's beyond that, then I'm going to be uncomfortable... and I would hope that if I were good friends with a couple, and they KNEW that anything beyond that made me extremely uncomfortable, that they would respect me enough to tone it down somewhat when we're hanging out.

now, if we're talking about someone who thinks holding hands, hugging, etc. is too much PDA then I'd think that was a little ridiculous, but depending on how close I was to the person, I would probably go ahead and try to tone it back anyway.  we would probably still hold hands and hug, but I would save any kissing for later.

and if that person still didn't like us to even hold hands around them, then... we probably wouldn't have been friends in the first place.  :)

somethingsilver

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_pdawhat-would?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d22d9a84-bc9b-47de-a3d7-6326429c482fPost:54e13b46-50db-451f-9606-24f125b19fab">Re: Pda...what would you do?</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess I'm in the minority here but if me & FI holding hands while we walk down the street makes a friend of mine uncomfortable that's really on them.  We're holding hands not having a make out session.  I'm 26 years old, if I want to hold hands with my FI or give him a kiss on the lips because I feel like it, then I'm going to.  A friend saying that I'm acting "high schoolish" or childish/immature for doing this would really bother me. 
Posted by rdr716[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I think that's the part that's bugging me. They don't come out and say it and instead, call us high schoolish. It's really not the appropriate way to talk about the issue. Instead, it just makes me defensive and mad.

</div>

wink0erin

I also think age and length of relationship has a lot to do with it. In my first serious relationship my exbf and I were all about PDA, but I was 19 and we were drunk 99% of the time. So yes I always sat on his lap and we kissed at least once every 15 minutes. Thinking about it now makes me want to vomit.

Swazzle

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_pdawhat-would?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d22d9a84-bc9b-47de-a3d7-6326429c482fPost:4c323215-c1f6-4775-9f86-f4dae24ddeac">Re: Pda...what would you do?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Pda...what would you do? : I think that the rest of us (well, at least Yaga and I) agree with that.  <strong>to a certain extent, some physical affection is okay.  but beyond a certain point, it's just... too much. for me, if we're with a couple that is touching in a sexual way or kissing on the lips a lot, it's going to make me uncomfortable.  I don't mind holding hands, hugging, light kissing on cheek/forehead/peck on lips, rubbing back/arm/etc.  if it's beyond that, then I'm going to be uncomfortable... </strong>and I would hope that if I were good friends with a couple, and they KNEW that anything beyond that made me extremely uncomfortable, that they would respect me enough to tone it down somewhat when we're hanging out. now, if we're talking about someone who thinks holding hands, hugging, etc. is too much PDA then I'd think that was a little ridiculous, but depending on how close I was to the person, I would probably go ahead and try to tone it back anyway.  we would probably still hold hands and hug, but I would save any kissing for later. and if that person still didn't like us to even hold hands around them, then... we probably wouldn't have been friends in the first place.  :)
Posted by CocoBellaF[/QUOTE]

<div>I guess when I read the OP, this is how I took it.  That it's totally PG PDA, she said it's the same as how everyone else said they acted in public with their SO.  I didn't take it to mean they were at a table full of people and constantly kissing or having a makeout session or anything.  I think she was saying they hold hands & have the occasional peck & her friends think this is childish so they told her that.  So I think we (you, me, OP as well) agree at least the way I interpreted her post. </div>

[Deleted User]

so tell us silver, what kind of PDA are you engaging in that makes your friends call you "high schoolish"?  how old are your friends, and how long have they been together?

also, I can't remember you and your SO's ages.  so many new-ish people, I have a hard time keeping them straight.  need to work on that.

somethingsilver

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_pdawhat-would?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d22d9a84-bc9b-47de-a3d7-6326429c482fPost:898419ce-e75f-4f74-baaa-57b5c3dd5039">Re: Pda...what would you do?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Pda...what would you do? : I guess when I read the OP, this is how I took it.  <strong>That it's totally PG PDA, she said it's the same as how everyone else said they acted in public with their SO.</strong>  I didn't take it to mean they were at a table full of people and constantly kissing or having a makeout session or anything.  I think she was saying they hold hands & have the occasional peck & her friends think this is childish so they told her that.  So I think we (you, me, OP as well) agree at least the way I interpreted her post. 
Posted by rdr716[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Yea I completely agree with this. That's why I'm having a hard time understanding my friends.

</div>

somethingsilver

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_pdawhat-would?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d22d9a84-bc9b-47de-a3d7-6326429c482fPost:53140333-c1f8-430e-a8ab-53e10a19d755">Re: Pda...what would you do?</a>:
[QUOTE]so tell us silver, what kind of PDA are you engaging in that makes your friends call you "high schoolish"?  how old are your friends, and how long have they been together? also, I can't remember you and your SO's ages.  so many new-ish people, I have a hard time keeping them straight.  need to work on that.
Posted by CocoBellaF[/QUOTE]

<div>Exactly as rdr stated, it's very PG PDA. When I say separate entities, I mean they actually ignore each other. My BF and I are 20 and so are our friends. My friends have been together since April 2011.</div>

jemmini6

I agree with rdr, if it's PG PDA, then the friends can suck it if they have a problem with it and I'd be pretty pissed off if they called me 'high school' because I like to hold my H's hand and kiss (peck) in public.  I also wouldn't refrain from doing those simple things because it makes them 'uncomfortable', IMO, if a couple holding hands makes you uncomfortable, then you have a lot of growing up to do.

OP - if they bring it up again, I'd just casually say "well, it's what works for our relationship" and leave it at that.  You don't need to explain your affinity for PDA any more than they need to explain their lack of it.

polkadot111

Umm, there is NOTHING wrong with them being 'seperate entities' in public. FI and I are like this too. I honestly don't think anything is wrong with that. Some people like PDA, others don't. I agree with coco. Length of relationship makes a big huge difference. FI and I have dated over 4 years now. You, only 4 months. Big difference there in how much PDA you will show I think. Not in all cases, but I remember FI and I were sure more lovey-dovey in public when we first started dating!

thejucheidea

I agree with the vast majority of women here: Tyler and I do NOT do PDA. It isn't glaringly obvious that we're in a relationship. I feel like anyone who actually stopped and looked/talked to us would be able to pick up on little cues we do to each other that make it obvious that we're in a relationship, but we like to keep it on the down-low.

My sister and her fiancé, however, are disgusting. Like... sitting at the table on my grandfather's birthday kissing on the lips during dinner disgusting. That is unacceptable. I don't need to see that -- none of us do.

You don't need to prove your relationship by engaging in public affection. It's unneeded. Be confident in your relationship and your claim on your other half by loving each other but respecting the feelings of others when you're out and about. If your friends don't like your PDA, then respect them and avoid it when you're out with them. It's easy. Laying off the PDA for a few hours isn't going to be the end of your relationship, and you'll salvage the relationship with your friends.

motoLyn

My opinion for you is this, in regards to your friends calling you "high schoolish" if they bring it up and you two truly are just engaging in PG PDS then ask your friends what is it that bothers them.  Then mention that you and your BF are affectionate people and that holding hands and hugging is ways you show love.  As for your friends not being as affectionate with each other as you and your BF, well that's their relationship and decision and you really shouldn't have any judgement on them.  My fiance and I are very affectionate people in public.  The blessing is that our friends don't mind us when we kiss now and then and hug and hold hands. 

If you walked into a crowded room you would see that Danish man and I are a couple.  We just gravitate towards one another.  What we felt and acted like when we first started dating we still do several years later.  So don't let anyone make you feel bad about how you and your boyfriend act. 

prbright

I usually don't have a problem with PDA unless it's overly excessive. Matt and I usually hold hands and a few kisses here and there. My major problem is people who are making out or constantly hanging on each other. There is a time and place for that, and it's not at dinner with your grandpa, or even your friends.

If your friends are calling you highschoolish, then you must be acting like it. Your 20, you are in an adult relationship, you want to get married someday. So I suggest you talk to your friends and see what bothers them, even if that means that you have to tone down the PDA in front of your friends, whether you think its annoying or not. Four years ago when I was eighteen Matt and I were all about the PDA, four years later now that I'm 22, I see what everyone else saw. It's annoying, it's in your face, it's not something others want to see. 

Like everyone else said, there are ways in showing that you are a couple without having to be hands on all the time. 

[Deleted User]

BUT I'M IN LOVE AND WE KISS OKAY??!!!!!????!?!?!?!?!  WHY CAN'T YOU JUST GET OVER IT??!?!  DON'T JUDGE!!!!  gosh, can't you just not LOOK at the siggy?  you're so judgmental, yaga.  you really need to just get over it.

[Deleted User]

maybe I'll come out to play more often.

but only if you bring cake. 

[Deleted User]

I don't want just any cake...  I want THIS cake:

http://pinterest.com/pin/243546292318500348/