Guilt into Visiting my Neice (long read)

motoLyn

So I figure since this board is national you ladies can give me a whole spectrum of opinions.  I usually talk to a friend about this but he's off today so perhaps I can get a better perspective from you knotties.  I know you ladies are brutally honest and so I need to know if I'm being bad or my sister is or both of us.

Situation:  My niece is 2 years old, I live 50 miles from my sister, her hubby, their daughter.  My parents also live in the same vicinity as my sister.  50 miles from Orange County through Los Angeles is a nighmare depending on time of day. Traffic is best on a weekend at 8 am or after 8-9 pm.  So I don't see nor visit my family often.  Perhaps once a month, twice if I can.  As I'm sure everyone here knows what a week night feels like after a long day at work, I just want to go home, relax have dinner with FI and try and I mean TRY to do school work.  Weekends are then reserved for friends, FI family, my family "us time" and running errands that we can't on the weekdays, along with MORE school work.

So this Sunday is Halloween and I made plans to go with FI to his parents house to talk with them about the engagement party to make sure they know what they need to know and see if they need any help or guidance.  The rest of the day is devoted to school work or just relaxing at home.  My older sister texts me today suggesting that I come up and take my niece trick or treating at their local mall and have lunch on Sunday.  I write back that I made plans, she writes back telling me to move them.  I text back saying I can't, that I'm sorry and I love my niece but I can't make it up there. I also mention that we have had this conversation before.  She asked what's so important that i can't come take my niece trick or treating and I tell her.  She gets upset and tells me "Fine. Do whatever you need to. Wait till its your turn and you'll see what its like."

Followed by "Remind me to never have this conversation with you again.  Keep forgetting"  I know text messages are horrible ways to communicate as you don't get the tone of voice from them.  Now I don't know what to think.  FI tells me that my older sister is used to getting her way and bullying me into doing things, which is true cause I am a push over.  I haven't seen my niece for 3 weeks but I call home everyday to say hi to her.  I understand my sister wants me to be more involved in my neice's life, but I feel like I don't have time to be visiting all the time, also I HATE the drive. I know she harbors resentment that i wasn't able to visit her in the hospiotal when my niece was born, but she hasn't confronted me about that, instead she complained to my BFF.  So I feel she thinks that I am hiding and being a lazy bum and not caring about my family or niece at all.  Am I a bad Auntie?

bethsmiles

You aren't a bad aunt. You made plans. If she wanted you to do this she should've asked much sooner than a couple of days in advance. I don't understand why people don't get that. I'm sure you love your niece, don't let your sister make you feel bad.

coastiegrl25

NO! It sounds to me like she has other plans and wants you to babysit. She is trying to guilt you into it so she doesn't have to take her. That is what it sounds like IMO.  I have found out that texting isn't the best option so try and call her and talk to her.  Pick a weekend that would be good for you to go down there and spend time with her then.  If it's all about spending time with your niece, then I'm sure she won't have anything to say about that.  If it's about doing it onthisweekend and no other time then I might re-think the reasons why she is so adament.

All in all, no your'e not being a bad Aunt. Don't feel guilty about this.

AudgiePodge

I agree. She should have asked sooner if it were that important. Is she the first one in your family to have a child? It seems that way in how she expects you to drop everything you're doing.

purplepeopleeater11

I'm with Beth, if it were that important she should have asked you long before today.  That's inconsiderate of her.  It's even more inconsiderate for her to try to make you feel guilty. 

That whole, "wait til it's your turn," thing bothers me too.  What is she trying to get at with that?  That it's difficult?  That she won't come see your kids? 

motoLyn

She is the oldest and the first to have a child.  She is 7 years older than me and pretty much raised me as I was growing up.  I feel guilty cause going to visit my family and niece is not a top priority when I think of what I have to do on the weekends.  Like I said I try to go once a month, twice if I can.  Its a whole day event.  She had mentioned me coming up to visit this past Wednesday but I told her I couldn't, today was when she approached the subject again. 

In all honesty I just cringe cause I think of how the next 5 weekends are already booked with plans with my family, FI's family, FI's bday weekend and Thanksgiving and I want to cringe cause I also have to fit school work in.  Weekdays are hard to do school work cause I'm pretty brain dead after I get home from work.  I'm also stressing cause I want to graduate in the spring and my project is harder than I thought and time is flying by.  Thanks for your opinions ladies.  Its much appreciated.

loopy82

I don't think that you are being a bad aunt. Personally I have not encountered people with children accusing their siblings of being a bad aunt/uncle because they don't see their neice/nephew every/ every other week. I see my nephew once maybe twice a year if I am lucky. He lives in a different state, and with his mom, whom I am really not fond of. Would your sister expect you to fly home once a month if you lived on the other side of the country to see your neice?

I also find it a little weird that she was so persistent on taking your neice trick or treating at the mall. Was she wanting to to take your neice by yourself or go with her and your neice?

When I was younger I would usually only see my aunts/ uncles every few months. I never saw them weekly and we all live in the same state and some were within 30 miles.

Is there a reason your sister is so persistent on you seeing your neice so often?

calindi

That's one of the problems with living close enough to family to do a day trip, but too far away to do it for just a quick visit.  Unfortunately, you just can't be there as often as they think you should.  And that's their problem, not yours.  But it sounds like you did everything you could - you were up front that you wouldn't be able to make it.  You do need to stand up for yourself, though.  It sounds like your sister is really good at making you feel guilty - you need to realize that your priorities are just as important as being an auntie. It sounds like you make an effort to fit your family into your already busy schedule.  As much as I miss my family living 2000 miles away, I can't imagine fitting in a full day visit every month.  Give yourself a break.

Starlight Kel

You are not being a bad aunt or anything else in my opinion.  That's rude of your sister to expect you to drop everything because she decided to invite you at the last min.  If she tries to put all the blame on you I would tell her that if it meant so much to her she should have said something before the week of.  Don;t let her make you feel bad.  People have lives and she needs to realize that just because she has a kid everyone else's lives don't just stop.  Good luck.

bethsmiles

My best friend is constantly guilted into babysitting her nieces and nephews. Her sisters basically use her as an on-call baby-sitter. You are an aunt not a baby-sitter. If she doesn't want to take her kid to go trick-or-treating that is not your problem. Just because you love her and your niece doesn't mean that your life revolves around them. You have your own life and that's a good thing. IMO she is acting very immature with comments like "wait till its your turn" or whatever else she has said.

motoLyn

I think she wants me to go with her to the mall and take my niece trick or treating.  BUT that's exactly what my BFF and FI said about my sister needing a baby sitter.  When I got visit them I get the privilege of changing my neice's diaper, playing with her and bathing and dressing her.  Don't get me wrong I'm fine doing it, but this becomes a recurring theme between my sister and I. 

Case in point, my sister, her hubby and my niece went on vacation to Hawaii and they invited me along.  She offered to pay for my ticket, it would be just her, her hubby, my niece and me.  My FI (BF at the time) wasn't able to go cause of work.  I declined ccause it was happening over the period that it be the first anniversary of my FI and I.  She then made the comment that it was first and so it isn't as important and that i should go to hawaii with them.  I knew that if I did I would just be a babysitter or another set of hands to watch and help with my niece.  They were going to Hawaii also to celebrate my niece's bday (annual family vacy combined with bday).  My sister griped about how I didn't want to go.  So on top of that FI had asked me to go with him to his company picnic the following month I said yes.  When my sister got back from her trip she informed me that they were throwing my niece a bday party on the day of FI company picnic and she suggested I skip the company picnic and come to my niece's party instead.  She got upset when I told her I would go to the family bday dinner celebrations the night before but not the children's party that she also wanted me to attend. 

Its hard cause I'm so used to just giving in to her, that saying no and standing by it is a hard hard task.  Once again I do thank you ladies on firming my resolve to stand up for myself and not feel like a bad Auntie.

bethsmiles

Sounds like she has a control issue and is a little passive-aggressive. But don't worry the more you stand your ground the less often this will be a problem.

Beads921

No, you're not being the bad guy here. You have made other plans, and shouldn't have to change them last minute for her selfish desires. 50 miles is quite a hike, as well, and one that generally requires being planned more than a day or two in advance.

leia1979

Lyn, I think your sister is being unreasonable. It sounds like you're a great aunt

loves2shop4shoes

Your sister is being ridiculous.  If she asked you to do something and you said you already had plans, there's nothing wrong with that.  Who does she think she is, that HER last minute expectations need to take precedence over YOUR plans?

Seems to me like she wants time to herself and expects you to babysit.