Need Advice

redheadfsu

OP, 

Sorry if my first post was a little to harsh. No one is trying to scare you away. I just can't understand your mindset. Seriously what is the rush? Please enlighten me.

I'm not trying to be snarky, but rushing into marriage is not the best choice. I might be jaded, I do family law. What is one or two more years b/f marriage? As hopefully you will have several decades left to be a married couple.

I don't know what type of advice you wanted. Ways to make him do it on your timeline? That's not going to help you out. Just b/c he isn't ready to get married to you TODAY, doesn't mean he won't in a little bit. Everyone has there own speed. Marriage is about compromising & caring about the other person. So do that a little. He isn't asking anything to unreasonable just a little time. Now if he said 15 years that would warrant you feeling like you aren't the right one.

leia1979

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d3457503-df9c-4ad1-8d61-d9c1cff54776Post:b64b4294-be77-438a-bafc-dbd24b48afdb">Re: Need Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Need Advice : Sure it is. FI & I's anniversary is on July 4, and that marks the first time he asked me on a date. I honestly can't remember when we actually decided to become a couple. July 4 is just way easier to remember. :)
Posted by oceana919[/QUOTE]

Hah, a couple weeks after we'd started dating I kinda nudged BF into actually asking me to be his GF. He asked me on July 17, so that's our anniversary.

GreenPepperBurger

Can't say anything here that hasn't already been said. Most men need a while before jumping to the next step. He's probably not sure yet if you're THE ONE. And what's wrong wih that? It doesn't sound like you guys have even been dating that long. In this day and age, a year courtship may not cut it.

Just relax. Girls on here have been dating their BFs for years and years with no rush to get engaged. I've been dating mine for close to four years and he's not ready to get engaged for at least another year and a half.

I tried begging, but it didn't work.

Button5807

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d3457503-df9c-4ad1-8d61-d9c1cff54776Post:dd94ee64-7960-4f72-9192-45a06f5d85a3">Re: Need Advice</a>:
[QUOTE] No one is trying to scare you away.
Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]

Are you sure about that?

redheadfsu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:d3457503-df9c-4ad1-8d61-d9c1cff54776Post:bc9f2e29-6cee-4691-8b9b-a69e19bf49d2">Re: Need Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Need Advice : Are you sure about that?
Posted by Button5807[/QUOTE]

Well, most of us ;) Or at least not until she realizes how BSC she sounds.

Acrosthec

OP, your BF sounds like he's being reasonable and level-headed.  If his timeline is really unacceptable to you, then you are not right for each other.

FWIW, FI and I started dating March 2007.  He got my ring from my grandma May 2008, and proposed Oct. 2009.  Everyone's relationships and timelines are different, but forcing the issue (or the timeline) is NOT going to help you.  I guess my relationship seems "silly" to you, which I find more than a tad demeaning.  Maybe you're the mean, judgy one.

noelle24

I guess since my FI and I have been together over 8 years and we're STILL not married, then that must mean that he doesn't really love me.  Well, at least I learned THAT in enough time to call off the marriage...

desertsun

Okay, I have a slightly different take, so OP, I hope you're still reading.

I see your point about making the next logical step. I think there is something to the argument that if a man wants to marry you, he WILL propose. But what's a reasonable amount of time to take to get to that point? that's up to every individual.

I personally do not know if I could stay in a relationship for 8 years, if I knew one
year in I wanted to marry the person and he was not ready 2 years later.

I think every person has the right to make choices about their own timelines themselves. You have to do what's right for YOU.

And your BF has the right to do what's right for HIM.

If you really don't want to wait 2 years, I don't see anything wrong with that. It's your life.

But what are your options then? You can't MAKE someone be ready. So you're left with walking away. Are you prepared to do that? THIS is what you really need to be thinking about. Can you really be happy walking away from the man you love and the relationship you have with him? You're the only one who can make that call.

I would make sure you discuss it with him of course and see if you can't get more out of him on why he wants to wait. He HAS to have some reason.

GL.

jemmini6

to an extent, i can understand your frustrations.  from what i gather, your view of your relationship is that you know you are going to spend the rest of your life with this person, so why wait to make it official.  however, you are failing to see the flip side of this arguement...you know you are going to spend the rest of your life with this person, so why rush things?

i know someone who gave their bf an ultimatum (marry me now or we break up) and to me, i don't know why you would ever want to marry someone who didn't want to marry you.  if my bf told me he never wanted to get married, i would be disappointed, but ultimately, i would rather spend my life with him as just my bf than not at all.

if getting married right now is more important to you than waiting until your bf is ready, then maybe you aren't supposed to be with him.  after all, sounds like all you want is the wedding, not the marriage.

catemeg

See, I was always of the belief that 3 years was the honeymoon period in a relationship.  That after that, you'd really be able to tell if you had what it takes.

I do believe that's probably mostly hocus pocus, but for me it's what felt right.  My parents dated for 5 years, and I always saw that as the milestone since they have such a wonderful marriage.  When we have decided we want to get married will be almost exactly 4 years since we started dating.  That's perfect for us, especially as we both feel that we're in no particular rush.

It's important that he values your opinions, just as much as that you value his.  There is no set timelimit that works for all couples - I have a colleague who met her husband at a friend's wedding when they were in their 30's, spoke on the phone twice, and agreed to get married. So the second time they ever saw each other was on their wedding day.  I'd say that's just nuts, but they've been married 20 years now and are really happy.

His opinion is valid.  Your opinion is valid.  You need to mutually discuss how this would work best for both of you.  If you're both very much in agreement that you want to get married someday, perhaps you could have a long engagement.  Really, though, you want him to ask you when he's ready because it will be worth the wait to know he's done it completely of his own decision.  And while I do also fantasize about being husband/wife with my man someday, anticipation is half the fun.  I'm enjoying every bit of this part of our relationship - living in sin is a blast