How to Explain?

Hazel_B

I'm a MOH this fall and I'm feeling that the costs associated with this wedding are just neverending. Since it is for my friend I've just accepted it and tried to make the best of it.

However, my BF thinks the whole thing is ridiculous and I shouldn't be putting this amount of money towards a wedding, particularly this person's wedding. How do I explain to him that although I can try and minimize costs, I have no choice about a lot of things?

calindi

I tend to agree with your boyfriend.  Even for a close friend, I would let them know my budget and if they needed me to spend more to be a bridesmaid, I would still want to go as a guest but would be unable to afford being a part of their wedding party.  But I'm straight-forward like that, and my friends know it.  There are ways of saying it nicely up front without being rude.

That said, you already agreed and you're sort of stuck.  But your only true obligations are to show up and be next to her.  Sure, if you want to host a shower or a bachelorette, go for it.  But it doesn't have to be expensive!  There are lots of ways to do things on a budget.

One of my good friends was a MOH for her friend last year.  She had to fly down from DC to Charlestown (not a cheap flight) 3-4 times for different showers, and then the bride dictated that they were going to NYC for a 4 day weekend for her bachelorette.  So my friend paid for both herself and the bride for that, even though she couldn't even afford herself.  The bride then made the rehearsal two days before the wedding since her groom had his birthday the night before the wedding and wanted to celebrate that instead, so my friend had to take an extra day off to head down for the rehearsal.  In the end, she went into over $5000 of debt, used up all her vacation time, and ended up resenting her friend.

Reason #85946453 why I'm never having bridesmaids.

Hazel_B

I've gone down for 2 showers, 5-7 hour drive each way depending on the shower, which was fine. I was able to stay at my parents for one and her place for the other. Didn't spend an excessive amount on a gift, so I was okay up to that point, I didn't bother with a second gift because at that point I didn't think it was necessary.

The clothing part is making me just plain angry though. The fact that she vetoed a $175 dress and I had to go out and buy another $225 dress when she said I could wear what I wanted if it met specific requirements. She changed the reqirements when she saw the dress...I was angry.

BFs biggest thing is when I'm spending all this other money doing what has asked, why do I need to buy a gift for the wedding.

Edit - I can't return the $175 dress.

calindi

Sell it on ebay?  That really sucks.  And isn't at all fair.  I would have let her know that I bought the dress within her parameters, and if she wanted me to wear another dress that's great but she'd have to pay for it.

Hazel_B

Well, I could only exchange the dress. I have a credit at the store for right now.

Oh, I told her that it was ridiculous, but it doesn't seem to matter.

calindi

It DOES matter!  Stand up for yourself!

"Well, Julie, I already spent $175, and based on what you told me, this dress would work.  If you're changing the rules now, that's fine, but you have to pick something that I can use my store credit for or cover the difference.  Otherwise I can't afford it and won't be able to buy it."

bethsmiles

i agree with your bf. she should respect your budget. maybe u should talk to her about how expenses are getting out of hand she may not realize how u feel

[Deleted User]

I've never been in a wedding myself, no BM or anything.  So, I'm really trying to make sure that my MOH and BM's don't spend a ton of money.  I'm giving them a choice on dresses (and they've all told me the cost for each is just fine) and I've told them to pick out their own shoes, don't really care what they look like (as long as they pretty much match the dress - they don't have to have them dyed, any navy blue shoe is fine with me). 

One of my BM's lives out of state and of course she will be sent invites for a shower (I have several people who are getting together to plan my shower), but I would never expect her to spend more money to fly out here for it.  She's obviously not going to be available on the day I go shopping for my dress, so another of my BM's is going to take pictures and email them to her so she can feel like she's a part of the day.

I say spend what you're comfortable spending.  Let the bride know if you need to cut back some, you certainly shouldn't go in debt for your friend.  Personally, I would feel horrible if any of my friends went into debt for me.

Hazel_B

Well, I am certainly not going to go in debt for this wedding.

I just want to limit the costs from now on.

How much is a wedding gift when you are in the wedding?

Hazel_B

Ah, why does it keep centring my stuff!

bethsmiles

A wedding gift is however much you are comfortable spending.

MLekathLEEN

I would spend however much you feel comfortable with spending. I haven't been in a wedding since I was seven but I don't think a BP wedding gift would be different than that a regular guest. You have gone above and beyond the call of duty with your time and the money already spent into this wedding, you should not have to spend x amount more because you get to sit at a special table and eat dinner first.

WARNING!! I haven't ate lunch yet thanks to the idiots I work with so I'm a little more b!tchy than usual. The following isn't mean to be taken too seriously.

After how she's been with the dresses/jewelry and making you spend an extra $175, I would make me want to take that "comfortable spending price" and subtract the $175. "Sorry Julie, but you owe me $125..CONGRATS!" or give her the store credit -That of course would probably sever the friendship and is probably not what  you want to do.