Divorced before we are Married...

lopezk

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years. Talked about marriage for a while now. Says he will propose once we have dated for 4 years, I don't know the exact reasoning behind this. I'm almost 25 and he is going to be 28. I have told him that I would like to be married by the time I turn 30 and would like another child soon there after. (I have a 4 year old with my ex). 

Well last night he dropped a bomb on me: Says that he would like for me to sign a prenup otherwise it may be a 'deal breaker'. I told him that I would NOT marry him if he attaches a prenup. I just feel like he should trust me enough to know that I would NEVER in a million years 'take him to the cleaners' if we get divorced. He says he just wants to protect his assets that he has now, not after we get married. (Not sure what that means haha) 

Have any of you ladies been in the same situation I am now facing? If so, how did you handle it? Did you compromise after saying no initially? I love him with all my heart and soul. He is great with my son and loves him like he is his own. I could never picture myself marrying anyone other than him, or even being without him for the rest of my life. 

Thanks in advance. 

PS. his parents are divorced and his mother took his father for all he is worth and his father is a Doctor and a Professor at a very well known University. I think he is scared. 

sapphirebaby926

Asking for a prenup is a common and perfectly acceptable thing to ask for. If DH had asked me to sign a prenup I would have but neither one of us had any significant assests to protect so we opted not to do it. He would have signed one too if I had asked him.  A prenup does not assume that you are going to get divorced it only protects you in the unfortunate event that is does happen. Given how his parents marriage ended up it really doesn't surprise me much that he wants one.

You say you can never picture yourself with anyone else so let me ask you this - how did you feel about your ex while you were with him? I thought I would never be with anyone other than my ex at one time but that obviously has changed.

Ana_2985

Ditto everything Sapphire said.

If not having a prenup is a "deal breaker" for him but you will NOT sign a prenup, then either you can't get married or one of you needs to compromise.  That's what marriage is all about- compromise and working together.  If you can't work this issue out then is probably a sign that you aren't ready to marry each other.

If he saw his parents go through a very difficult divorce, he probably just wants to have a prenup to put his mind at ease not because he is planning to divorce yourself someday.

My advice would be for YOU to be the one to give in on this one.  You can have some input into what the prenup says so that you are BOTH comfortable with the agreement.

emarston1

Ditto PPs.  Although FI and I haven't talked about a prenup (as neither of us have any significant assests) I would have no problem signing one.

It's like home-owners insurance (go with me on this one...), you never plan on having your house burn down, but in the unlikely event that it does, you will be glad you planned ahead.  By buying the insurance, it's not like you doomed yourself, you're just protecting what assests you have just in case.

Yeah it's not the greatest metaphor but hopefully you get my point.

saisongbird

I won't get married without one.  My parents went through a very nasty divorce.  G-d forbid this happens, I have assets that I'm bringing to the marriage that need to be protected.  You never WANT it to happen, but the fact of life is that 60% of marriages end in divorce.  This is a time to be realistic, not idealistic.

bethsmiles

60% of marriages do not end in divorce. where did you get that statistic?

tafft1

I think the number is closer to 40% but anyway back on topic - i offered to sign a pre nup with FI - because even though he dosen't have "alot" , what he does i have he has worked for and earned on his own and wanted to assure him i was marrying him not what he is worth - for better or worse. If it's really a deal breaker you may need to re evaluate why. This includes lengthy discussions as to why he wants one , why you don't want one and what you both can agree upon together. If something as "simple" as a prenup can break it off for you..then there are in my opinion greater things at stake. Just my opinion.

Sloane99

We're signing one, it's no big deal to me. His family has significant assets that they want to go to their biological children, which is more than reasonable - as well, FI owns his own business. His Dad's lawyer will draft and I am going to take it to mine to review. A pre-nup protects you too, and any assets acquired during the marriage. I'm happy to sign, I figured if I'm not the type to take "him to the cleaners" then there's no harm in putting my signature behind my word, it changes nothing.

desertsun

No one EVER gets married thinking they will fall out of love.

No one EVER gets married thinking their spouse will cheat.

It's not about trust.

It's about the FACT that people change, and they don't always change in ways their spouses can live with.

Sign the prenup. I like the PP comparison to fire insurance for your house. It's awesome if you never need it. But you're glad you have it/if when you need it.

Unless you PLAN to take him for all he's worth, I don't see the problem.

sgervais88

I may be wrong, so correct me if I am. But this is what I heard from a friend of mine (who IS signing a pre-nup):

Pre-nups aren't only for protection in divorce. You could state in the pre-nup that, in the event of your death, X amount of your assets would go to your son, and not your husband.

jeanacorina

I wouldn't think it was a big deal if FI wanted to do it. We've mentioned it, neither of us are interested, so we're not going to. But I don't find it to be something offensive. I think it's responsible and if it is a deal-breaker for him, then it sounds like you need to find a compromise.

Maybe you need to talk to him about why he wants one. Would that help ease your mind? Were you just surprised and maybe you jumped the gun with your initial reaction?

I don't think it's anything personal. As PPs have said... people don't USUALLY go into a marriage EXPECTING things to go wrong, but things do. Sounds like he is being responsible instead of idealistic. Neither is a bad thing (I'm as idealistic as they come), and I don't think you should judge him for it.

But if it's something you absolutely can't do, and you can't reconcile your feelings with his motives, then maybe this really is a deal-breaker.

202987

At first, BF and I weren't interested, because we don't really have much, except for family heirlooms-and neither of us would be interested in each other's family stuff.

Later, I heard that (at least in PA) it could be ruled that we get to keep our heirlooms, but owe the other half of their worth.  A prenup would ensure that we get to keep our family's things. 

That's our logic, anyways.

KD+BC

I don't have much to add to what PPs have said. I agree. Here's the thing. I used to think like you. I used to think that I could never marry someone if they wanted me to sign a prenup because it would mean that they didn't truly think we'd be together forever. However, as you stated, your FI saw his parents go through a really nasty divorce. I can see where he might consider a prenup with you even if he wants to be with you forever.

If I were you, I'd think of it as a way to protect your son. If something were to happen between you and your FI, you would know exactly what you would be getting and keeping and how that will effect your son.

GL

lopezk

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_divorced-before-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d4d0d2b7-0ac0-4f5d-b455-6806028dd513Post:dcf4a998-272e-4999-8f5e-8ea78b651277">Re: Divorced before we are Married...</a>:
[QUOTE]Asking for a prenup is a common and perfectly acceptable thing to ask for. If DH had asked me to sign a prenup I would have but neither one of us had any significant assests to protect so we opted not to do it. He would have signed one too if I had asked him.  A prenup does not assume that you are going to get divorced it only protects you in the unfortunate event that is does happen. Given how his parents marriage ended up it really doesn't surprise me much that he wants one. You say you can never picture yourself with anyone else so let me ask you this - how did you feel about your ex while you were with him? I thought I would never be with anyone other than my ex at one time but that obviously has changed.
Posted by sapphirebaby926[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>I guess I was just really thrown off by this when he brought it up. To answer your question regarding my ex: We never talked about marriage. We were together for almost 3 years when he decided to turn his back on our son and walk out. (That's a whole different story). Our son was only 1.5 years old when he left. We didnt really have a relationship for at least that last year of it. </div>

lopezk

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_divorced-before-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d4d0d2b7-0ac0-4f5d-b455-6806028dd513Post:9b156851-88ca-4157-bd7b-cb8c86ee9236">Re: Divorced before we are Married...</a>:
[QUOTE]I think the number is closer to 40% but anyway back on topic - i offered to sign a pre nup with FI - because even though he dosen't have "alot" , what he does i have he has worked for and earned on his own and wanted to assure him i was marrying him not what he is worth - for better or worse. If it's really a deal breaker you may need to re evaluate why. This includes lengthy discussions as to why he wants one , why you don't want one and what you both can agree upon together. If something as "simple" as a prenup can break it off for you..then there are in my opinion greater things at stake. Just my opinion.
Posted by tafft1[/QUOTE]

<div>Thank you for bringing light to the situation. I guess I never stopped to look at it this way. I have lived with him since December of 2008. When we are out somewhere he always refers to the house as 'ours' but when in fact it is his. (He bought his own house in July of 2007 and we started dating in November of 2007). It is weird for me to say that its our house. He tells me that it is but he worked so hard for everything that he has and I would never take credit for any of it. </div>

lopezk

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_divorced-before-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d4d0d2b7-0ac0-4f5d-b455-6806028dd513Post:b777a1c7-fbbd-4099-ac16-98e7a158cf32">Re: Divorced before we are Married...</a>:
[QUOTE]I may be wrong, so correct me if I am. But this is what I heard from a friend of mine (who IS signing a pre-nup): Pre-nups aren't only for protection in divorce. You could state in the pre-nup that, in the event of your death, X amount of your assets would go to your son, and not your husband.
Posted by sgervais88[/QUOTE]

<div>Never thought of it this way. </div><div>
</div><div>I really truly appreciate all the great advice you ladies are giving me. It is definitely making me more apt to sign. </div><div>
</div><div>Its not that I necessarily thought signing a pre-nup was a bad thing, but honestly I didnt really know all that it entailed. </div>

jeanacorina

It sounds to me like you should sit down with your BF and do some research on prenups together. At the same time, talk about your thoughts on it, and his thoughts on it... and what it will really mean to you both.

By learning about it WITH him, he'll have the chance to explain his reasoning a bit more and maybe put you at ease about trust and commitment.

noelle24

You definitely need to talk more with your BF about things.  Also, you really need to get your OWN lawyer to discuss the prenup with (don't just go with your BF's lawyer).  Since you have a son, there could be important implications for you as well as your BF in the event of a divorce.  GL.

redheadfsu

In the very least you both need to talk to a family lawyer & know the family law in your State. Could your child support change? Are there business, pre-marital property, etc?

A prenup maybe useful in your situation & it may not be. Everyone should talk about what is mine & what is yours. It helps communication & trust to know what is what. Every state is different. Some give alimony all the time & some never do. Know the divorce laws so everyone is comfortable & there are no surprises. Prenups will not hurt a solid relationship, many times they encourage  talks that you should be having b/f you tie the knot.

eav2c

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_divorced-before-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d4d0d2b7-0ac0-4f5d-b455-6806028dd513Post:f0af6863-232f-4882-a8ff-8d79e5f854f4">Re: Divorced before we are Married...</a>:
[QUOTE]60% of marriages do not end in divorce. where did you get that statistic?
Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]


It's 50% of marriages... At least according to the 2000 census. Yes, really, 50%... Startling, eh?

What's the big deal? Go ahead and sign the prenup. People do it all the time. My FI & I don't plan on doing a prenup, but, if he wanted to--I would too. If y'all love eachother, then your just taking precautions. With the way the world is today--it wouldn't be such a bad idea.

oceana919

Seconding the pp suggestions of talking to your own lawyer, as well as sitting down with one another and discussing it. I think it's important to be on the same page with an issue like this, or you could hit a lot bigger obstacles down the road.

As for myself, if my FI wanted to sign a pre-nup to protect the assetts that we both entered our marriage with, I don't think I'd have a problem with that, especially if a child was involved. You don't (or, at least, you shouldn't) go into a marriage with the thought of "this might not work out", but it's important to protect yourself and your child in the case that this might happen.

lopezk

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_divorced-before-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:d4d0d2b7-0ac0-4f5d-b455-6806028dd513Post:0d23bd75-c6cb-4880-b2a5-e2f65d4795b3">Re: Divorced before we are Married...</a>:
[QUOTE]In the very least you both need to talk to a family lawyer & know the family law in your State. Could your child support change? Are there business, pre-marital property, etc? A prenup maybe useful in your situation & it may not be. Everyone should talk about what is mine & what is yours. It helps communication & trust to know what is what. Every state is different. Some give alimony all the time & some never do. Know the divorce laws so everyone is comfortable & there are no surprises. Prenups will not hurt a solid relationship, many times they encourage  talks that you should be having b/f you tie the knot.
Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]

My ex doesn't pay child support right now. We never did the 'court' thing. I come from a broken family and had to endure the nasty child support battle between my mother and father with my older brother growing up. We were dragged to every court hearing and so being a product of that..its not what I want for my son.

Neither of us have our own business. He did however purchase the house before we were together so that is his.

notquiteblushing

I think pre-nups are a good idea in many situations, including alll situations where one spouse wants one.  Marriage is a big financial committment and I don't think you should go into it with rose colored glasses.  If I were you I'd meet with an attorney and find out more about them.