Age Differences

Hazel_B

This morning I had a conversation with someone who had turned down someone who has asked her out because of an almost 15 year age difference.  This progressed into a conversation where she essentially explained to me that women who dated guys who were substantially older were either desperate or gold diggers because it was disgusting. 

Just wondering what you ladies think about age differences. And, go...

PaigeMcC

Age is just a number.  For the most part.  FBD is almost 4 years older than me (damn cradle robber!) but I don't really see a big deal in that.  But I can understand where some people might have problems with larger age gaps.

However, I think age differences are less of a big deal the older you get.  A 15 year old dating a 22 year old is weird.  A 30 year old and a 37 year old person dating is not so weird.  Same age difference, different situation.  

I think, as adults, we all have to make decisions on who is in our life but I don't think that age should necessarily be a factor.  (However, at the age of 25 if some 50 year old asked me out I'd probably be like "Uh what? No.  Sorry")  Dismissing someone simply because they are older than you seems like you could be ruling out a great relationship (romantic or not).  But again, personal choice, and if you're no comfortable dating someone that much older than I respect that too.  

calindi

It doesn't bother me as a rule, but in individual situations it can be a factor. 

I have a friend who is 25 and dating a 46 year old - in and of itself, that doesn't bother me.  The facts that are a bigger deal are that she's very clingy and dependent on him, that she's acting like a spoiled child that her family doesn't approve (rather than simply saying, "You know what, I'm an adult and I love him, and I hope you can grow to accept that."), and that he's got an awful lot of baggage with his ex-wife.

I don't think 15 years is necessarily a big deal - it depends on the people involved.  My grandparents met when my grandma was 24 and my grandpa was 37, they were both divorced with kids, and they have the happiest relationship I've ever seen (13 year age difference, for those who don't want to do the math ).   I know antecdotes don't prove anything, but this one is to highlight that I think it's more important to be of similar maturity and at a similar place in life.

Hazel_B

Paige, I totally agree.

She just makes these blanket statements all the time. When she said that, my reply was that once people get past the fact that the grew up listening to different music and that sort of thing, the only real problem that I've heard of people having is hitting retirement at different times and that putting a lot of strain on a relationship.

Then she brought up children and ability to parent. I told her there are tons of active people in their 60s and tons of inactive people in their 20s that age doesn't matter it comes down to the person.

Man, it is a battle everytime with her, I swear.

PaigeMcC

Some people just don't have open minds, Hazel.  And that's her loss.  You never know when someone is going to come into your life and change it - if you automatically rule out people based on random facts about them, such as age, then you're limiting your experiences in life.  Poor girl, probably doesn't know what she's missing.

Hazel_B

Paige, I feel the same way. This woman is just so aggresive in her arguments and set in her ways that this sort of thing happens almost every day. Sometimes I bring the topic of the day here to see what you ladies think and make sure I'm not totally out of it.

calindi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_age-differences?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:d6ee3b14-3c75-4521-a57b-ad9762e414f0Post:a87db5ed-47e7-4b5d-ac03-fa44247d0348">Re: Age Differences</a>:
[QUOTE]The only real problem that I've heard of people having is hitting retirement at different times and that putting a lot of strain on a relationship.
Posted by Hazel_B[/QUOTE]

Cute story about different retirement times - my grandpa is retired (and has been for 15 years - he worked for a city and got a "golden handshake" when they were trying to cut expenses, so he has a pension and benefits for life). My grandma is only 63 years old (not biological grandma, for those trying to count haha) and is still working for another 4 years so she can get a pension, too.  My grandpa drives her to work every morning at 5am so they can spend that time together, then he picks her up every afternoon at 3pm to drive her home and hear about her day.

I want to be them someday <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-laughing.gif" border="0" alt="Laughing" title="Laughing" />

Blue & White

I tend to think it depends on the age of the people involved.  A 16 year old dating a 30 year old is gross.  A 30 year old dating a 50 year old isn't as gross.

That being said, I'm a whole like 4 months older than BF, so I don't have much to say on the subject.

paintgirl

Eleven years between bf and me. I'm younger. We don't intend to have kids so that makes a big difference I think. Plus we aren't 16 and 27 - we're in our 30s and 40s. Retirement age difference will be interesting. Cute story Cate. I'll make him drive me to work!

Hazel_B

Paint - While you are at it you should have him pack you a lunch too

paintgirl

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_age-differences?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:d6ee3b14-3c75-4521-a57b-ad9762e414f0Post:50cdb5c8-bbae-4188-8741-9b7daced7b67">Re: Age Differences</a>:
[QUOTE]Paint - While you are at it you should have him pack you a lunch too :)
Posted by Hazel_B[/QUOTE]

Hey I like that! I pack his lunch now (I work from home) so he can pack mine then! And have dinner ready for me when I get home :)

calindi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_age-differences?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:d6ee3b14-3c75-4521-a57b-ad9762e414f0Post:1eacb48c-6ffc-41e6-a380-643b7688193b">Re: Age Differences</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Age Differences : Hey I like that! I pack his lunch now (I work from home) so he can pack mine then! And have dinner ready for me when I get home :)
Posted by paintgirl[/QUOTE]

Yeah, that would be a fire if my grandpa was cooking!  But for a guy who knows how to cook, yes please!

I loved the 3 weeks between New Years and when BF started school again - he cooked and cleaned, and when I got home handed me a glass of wine and the remote.  Those were awesome weeks!

Wrkn925

BF is 38
I'm 25.

So far, the only problem we've run in to is discussing the cartoons we watched when we were younger. 

He and I have discussed a 3 year plan before trying for kids, but either way, he's going to be attending high school graduation with a cane. 
My Dad was 39 when my kid sister was born, so I really don't think it's a big deal.

When I really want to get under his skin, I tell him: "I can't wait to get married, have kids, and grow old, well.... after you."

Hazel_B

There is a 6 year difference between BF and I.

Occassionally we hear a song that he'll talk about from college and I'll remind him that i was in grade 8 at the time.

Age isn't a big one for us, I find him being American and me being Canadian there are more things I notice. As in both countries doing things differently, our versions of history are a bit different, etc.

Wrkn925

Hazel, we hear songs, and BF will say, I was a freshman in college when this came out.... that means I was in kindergarten.

Hazel_B

Wrkn - I find those song moments are the only time BF looks at me like I'm young. it's like he has a flashback or something and gets weirded out by the fact that I'm that much younger.

[Deleted User]

BF and I have an 8 year difference. Would I have ever guessed I'd be with someone that much older than me - no. Did we meet, hit it off right away and build a strong connection over the past 4 years?...yes. I think it's a LARGE assumption to assume women who date older men are desperate or looking for financial perks. Often times women are more mature than men, so dating an older man may be a great way to meet someone who is at the same stage in their lives (ie: ready to get married, start a family, etc.)

I agree, 15 years is substantial...but due to my own experience I feel like I should no longer judge other's choices. I believe the more open minded you are when it comes to meeting people, the more likely you will meet someone with potential to have a true (rather than superficial) connection. Just my opinion though.

heyimbren

My uncle once told me the "rule" for it being weird is half the older age and add seven. If the other partner is at least that age or older, then it's not weird.

BF is only 2 years older than me, so it isn't that weird. It does sound weird when I remind him that I was only 16 when we met. He sometimes finds it weird that his "little" brother is actually 6 months older than I am.

sparkles88

I agree with what Paige said. Once people get older, age is less of a problem. A young teenager dating someone in their twenties is pretty creepy. I remember the days of high school dances, when those girls would have to ask permission to bring their BFs that were at least 3 years older than any of the seniors. Awkward...

I have personally seen a very happy marriage between people with a huge age difference. My parents were about 14 years apart. My mom met my dad when she was 19 in a bar on New Year's Eve, and he was a truck driver passing through town. Like Wrkn said, I think having children is one of the bigger issues concerning couples with a large age gap. My dad was 48 when I was born and 51 when my brother was born. The part about attending high school events with a cane? Very true.

loves2shop4shoes

I think it's weird if one of the parties is very young (ie. early 20s).  If someone my age wanted to date a 45 year old, I'm not even going to sugar coat it, I'd be skeeved out.  However, if a 55 year old wants to date a 75 year old, I'd say good luck and God bless.

jemmini6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_age-differences?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d6ee3b14-3c75-4521-a57b-ad9762e414f0Post:831e98f9-77b8-4138-bb2d-002348cd5b35">Re: Age Differences</a>:
[QUOTE]BF and I have an 8 year difference. Would I have ever guessed I'd be with someone that much older than me - no. Did we meet, hit it off right away and build a strong connection over the past 4 years?...yes. I think it's a LARGE assumption to assume women who date older men are desperate or looking for financial perks.<strong> Often times women are more mature than men, so dating an older man may be a great way to meet someone who is at the same stage in their lives (ie: ready to get married, start a family, etc.)</strong> I agree, 15 years is substantial...but due to my own experience I feel like I should no longer judge other's choices. I believe the more open minded you are when it comes to meeting people, the more likely you will meet someone with potential to have a true (rather than superficial) connection. Just my opinion though.
Posted by allusive007[/QUOTE]

This.  I'm 23 and FI is 27 and we are on the same level as far as what we are looking for and <em>when</em>.  I've dated guys my own age and I always felt like I was "too old" for them.

15 years would probably be a bit of a stretch for me personally, but I absolutely believe that it can work for other people.  My parents friends are 14 years apart (oddly enough, he's 14 years older than her and she's 14 years older than his son...) and their relationship works for them and you really don't notice an age difference between them.

The only cases I judge is like Anna Nicole Smith.  I'm sorry, but I don't believe there was any interest in that age difference other than money.  I'm not saying it couldn't happen for anyone, but really...she was just a gold digger.

Wrkn925

Hazel- yeah, that's when we kind of realize it.  Most of the time, it doesn't even cross our minds.

That, and the non-profit group we're in is for young business professionals. (21-40), so he only has two years left. He'll become a 'senator' for the organization, while I'll still be an active member for 13 more years.

The gold-digging thing is common, but not with us.  When I met him, him and his business partner were splitting.  I helped support him while he got his new business off the ground.  It was rough, but it's getting better.

Best of all, he doesn't look 38, so we really don't get questioned a lot.


(He was 37 here.)


My Dad has always dated younger women.  So, when I called him, I told him, "Sometimes you're the craddle robber, sometimes you get your craddle robbed."
He laughed it off. 
Dad is engaged to a woman that is the same age as BF, so his response was, "We gotta watch it.  They might run off together."
(It was a joke.)

CASK85

I wouldn't personally date anyone more than 5 years older than me at the point in my life. As you age it matters less, so I'd go for 10 years maybe when I'm in my 40s. One of my best gfs from high school married a guy who was 30 when she was 23 or something - I thought it was weird at first, but they have a great family now and so it depends on the people really. 

This adds little to the discussion. .. sorry lol

Wrkn925

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_age-differences?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:d6ee3b14-3c75-4521-a57b-ad9762e414f0Post:6faefe43-1983-4178-b96f-3177a8ef85fd">Re: Age Differences</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with what Paige said. Once people get older, age is less of a problem. A young teenager dating someone in their twenties is pretty creepy. I remember the days of high school dances, when those girls would have to ask permission to bring their BFs that were at least 3 years older than any of the seniors. Awkward... I have personally seen a very happy marriage between people with a huge age difference. My parents were about 14 years apart. My mom met my dad when she was 19 in a bar on New Year's Eve, and he was a truck driver passing through town. Like Wrkn said, I think having children is one of the bigger issues concerning couples with a large age gap. <strong>My dad was 48 when I was born and 51 when my brother was born.</strong> The part about attending high school events with a cane? Very true.
Posted by sparkles88[/QUOTE]

That has made me breathe a sign of relief.  He feels like we'll be cutting it close, but I'm not worried.  My biological clock is barely wound, and we can freeze his shiit.

ericsbabygirl26

i totally agreee and think it depends on the ages if it wierd. I never thought  i'd date/want to marry someone much older than me but i met my bf and that changed. I'm 26 and he is 40,  which is a 14 yr age diff  the same age diff of his parents were when they married. They were happily 16 yrs untill his dad  passed away.
 I think some people could view it as wierd but its about what makes someone happy. I personally like the age difference as he is mature and has things (ie a career, house  and is stabolized.) where i am 26 still working on things like career etc.

samantha1008

My best friend is 21 and her boyfriend is 31 or 32, I don't think it matters.  I think it is a case by case thing to me.  She tried so hard to fight having feelings for him becasue of his age, but she gave it a chance and now they are planning on getting married in the near future. 

paintgirl

Wrkn I think I love you. My bf will say mention something that happened when he was in high school. I throw out something like, "I don't remember that. I was in kindergarten." Music, movies, TV shows... the ribbing can go on for hours! Then I tell him he's lucky - he gets to retire and still have a sugar mama for 11 years while he's not working.

tafft1

Many friends I have in their relationships date or in several cases are married to men much older than them. It works for them so it dosen't bother me. The women range from 19 - 30 and the men from 29 - 55. It just dosent freak me out unless it;s illegal. Everyone has to go to the beat of their own drum even if society is convinced otherwise. All I care about is are my friends in happy , fuflling relationships regardless  what that means to them.

[Deleted User]

I always thought I'd end up with an older guy. I felt like every guy my age wanted to play around and put anything serious on the back burner. But then I met BF. He's two months younger and acts like he's much older then he is.

leia1979

This is a bit of a hot button topic for me, purely because of personal experience. When I was 18, my first BF ever was 28. It was bad news. It turned out he consistently dated girls much younger than him (as in, still in high school). I think it was because he felt he could control them.

I'm sorry, but if I was friends with a 28 year old who was dating a high school student, I would say "WTF is wrong with you?"

Later on, in my mid-20s I dated someone 9 years older than me. That was mostly fine. We were both working adults (not one working adult and one high school kid).

If both parties are happy, fine. But when I see a much older person with a teenager or college student, I worry for the younger person.

orangecrush32

I used to think I'd end up with someone older than me. I was never interested in guys my age. I always found them to be very immature. Then bf and I started hanging out more and more..and he's two years younger than me. (Well 1 year and a little over 10 months.) I thought it would be weird. But it's really not. He's actually much more mature than I am. He's ready to start the rest of his life and knows what he wants to do while I'm still trying to figure it all out.

But moral to this story..age is just a number. Unless they're still a teenager.