How to get BF on board?

Louise869

Okay, so I am one of those girls who have pretty much had their whole wedding planned since I was little.  I know what colors I want, where I want it, etc.  And now that I have a boyfriend I want to marry, I've been looking into actually getting this dream wedding of mine planned.  The only problem is that my boyfriend hasn't actually brought up getting married.  I know we're perfect for each other, and that we'll get married eventually, but I want him to bring it up first so it doesn't seem like I'm pushing, you know?

Anyhow, I've already called a couple venues to get their prices, and I tried on dresses a few weeks ago (found one that I LOVE!!).  I haven't bought anything, but it's sure hard waiting!  How can I get my boyfriend to propose so that I can go ahead and start planning??  Or at least, how can I get him on board with the planning?

bethsmiles

It sounds like you have absolutely no interest in a marriage and therefore have zero business planning a wedding. If you want to throw a big extravagant party, then go for it. It doesn't have to be a wedding.A wedding is about TWO people, not one. It's not just your day, it's his day too. So looking at venues, picking out colors, ect. without him doesn't make any sense because guess what! He probably has opinions.

My advice is to just STOP! Stop with all of the wedding nonsense RIGHT NOW! Have an adult conversation with your BF about where you both see yourselves and your relationship in a year, 5 years, and 10 years. Talk about all the things couples need to talk about to build a strong MARRIAGE and stop focusing on the party.

When I was a little girl I daydreamed about my wedding too. But I was 5 years old. I've grown up since then. You should try it.

Stina51286

Yaga and Beth made pretty valid points

meamolly

Are you for real? Thank you for the laugh before I go off to a really stressful morning of work. As for advice, stop with the planing and start with the talking to the man you  want to spend the rest of your life with. Do I dare ask how long you have been dating?

leia1979

You're kidding, right? Your boyfriend hasn't said one thing about wanting to marry you, but you're calling venues and trying on dresses? Do you see the giant disconnect here?

Have you two talked about your future at all? As PP said, the party is just one day, and unless you want to have an expensive party and not turn in the actual legal paperwork, you two need to have serious discussions about what you both want in terms of a marriage, not a wedding.

motoLyn

I have one way you may get your BF in board, the way to do it is to.....

PAY for the wedding all by yourself.  If he doeesnt have to put down one cent then he can't have any say.  Am I right or am I right? 

Elle1036

No.

motoLyn

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_how-to-get-bf-on-board?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:da439762-ddf7-4373-b001-470a535bef6dPost:8f13fa07-8e7a-48fb-b7f3-90a08cee4a94">Re: How to get BF on board?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to get BF on board? : It's even better if the wedding is a surprise wedding.
Posted by yaga13[/QUOTE]

I like where you're taking this Yaga.

Louise869

Yes, I'm "for real," but thanks for being so condescending. We've been dating for about six months.  And I already said that I'm trying NOT to pressure him--that's why I posted this!

Do you think that a surprise wedding would work?  Even though we haven't really talked about marriage, I know that we're on the same page about kids, money, etc.  And I could pay for the whole thing, with some help from my parents (they said they'd help otu when the time comes).

AudgiePodge

Get pregnant. If he doesn't ask you after that, he never will.

bethsmiles

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_how-to-get-bf-on-board?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:da439762-ddf7-4373-b001-470a535bef6dPost:1879989e-ffb5-4eb5-bacc-01d5d39aea8e">Re: How to get BF on board?</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes, I'm "for real," but thanks for being so condescending. We've been dating for about six months.  And I already said that I'm trying NOT to pressure him--that's why I posted this! Do you think that a surprise wedding would work?  Even though we haven't really talked about marriage, I know that we're on the same page about kids, money, etc.  And I could pay for the whole thing, with some help from my parents (they said they'd help otu when the time comes).
Posted by Louise869[/QUOTE]

<a href="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/6/8/0626f36f-c1e1-4c22-a82d-cf1e2c08edd3.large.jpg" title="Click to view a larger photo" class="PhotoLink"> <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/6/8/0626f36f-c1e1-4c22-a82d-cf1e2c08edd3.medium.jpg" alt="" /></a>

Elle1036

6 months?? Uh uh. No way. Unless one of you is terminally ill, just stop.

motoLyn

Alright let me just say this and then you an continue on if you please.  This board the NEY forum, yes it says Not yet engaged and still planning for your wedding etc.  But seriously this board isn't like that.  And when someone comes in trying to ask for advice on a topic such as pre-planning it doesn't go well, because MANY of us have been through that before even getting to this board and have found that it ends HORRIBLY.  So through various ways try to discourage others from doing so to save their sanity.  Look the first few posts gave you good advice not to think about that now and when you DO GET ENGAGED that it is a two person deal and that your SO has a say in it as well.  You can tell him your ideas and if he doesn't want to do them then you find a compromise.  Because from then on your life is nothing but compromises to make each other happy.

Beads921

I totes think a surprise wedding would work! Even better if it's at an ice rink. That soooper romantic!

Good luck!

cu97tiger

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_how-to-get-bf-on-board?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:da439762-ddf7-4373-b001-470a535bef6dPost:1879989e-ffb5-4eb5-bacc-01d5d39aea8e">Re: How to get BF on board?</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes, I'm "for real," but thanks for being so condescending. We've been dating for about six months.  And I already said that I'm trying NOT to pressure him--that's why I posted this! Do you think that a surprise wedding would work?  Even though we haven't really talked about marriage, I know that we're on the same page about kids, money, etc.  And I could pay for the whole thing, with some help from my parents (they said they'd help otu when the time comes).
Posted by Louise869[/QUOTE]

<div>She asked if you're real because we get people who make up situations just to get a rise out of us. While it's entertaining, it occasionally gets annoying.</div><div>
</div><div>In case you really are in this situation, I'll say that a surprise wedding is a TERRIBLE idea if the two of you have never even discussed getting married. I have lots of friends that are on the same page with me about kids, money, etc., but that doesn't mean I want to be MARRIED to them. Sit down with him, discuss your future together, and stop making plans for a fairy-tale wedding that doesn't even take your fiance into account.</div>

peekaboo2011

Can you come back and do this Sunday night?  So that when I get on TK on my phone Monday on the Metro, I can laugh before my first day of work?

You cannot be real.

petebergsh

Only you know your BF well enough to know if bringing up the idea of a wedding will terrify him or not.
My advice is: bring up marriage if you want, but don't tell him all at once that you already have it planned.
Here is my personal take on things: I've been with FI for almost 6 years, that's a long time. We have known for a while that we would get married, but we waited (for lots of reasons). 3 years ago two of my best friends were getting married. I helped them with both of their weddings and it was a blast. I thought I wanted to get married then because I was surrounded by all things wedding. The idea of planning a big party was really exciting to me, it seemed like a ton of fun!
I have since realized that I wanted a wedding and not a marriage. I wanted a pretty dress and a nice venue, etc.
Fast forward 3 years: We got engaged and I find the whole process overwhelming. I couldn't care less about planning now, yes, there are venues that I like, but really, I just want to get married. I would be mostly fine with just getting married at the courthouse (I say mostly, because yes, I still do want a pretty dress).
I think you're fine planning a wedding, but realize that it may not be a reality. I think you should slow down or you may be very disappointed in the outcome if things don't go your way.

prbright

You shouldn't want to plan a wedding, you should want to plan a marriage. There's your first problem. 

Do you actually want to be married, do you know all of the things that come with marriage, the ups the downs? Or do you just want your pretty princess day where you can wear a white dress and have everyone look at you?

Here's an awesome idea. When you can be as excited about marriage as you are about your non-existent wedding, then talk to your BF about getting married.

ETA: I'm calling MUD. Because NO one in their right mind would actually consider a surprise wedding.

jemmini6

::headdesk::

leia1979

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_how-to-get-bf-on-board?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:da439762-ddf7-4373-b001-470a535bef6dPost:1879989e-ffb5-4eb5-bacc-01d5d39aea8e">Re: How to get BF on board?</a>:
[QUOTE] Do you think that a surprise wedding would work? 
Posted by Louise869[/QUOTE]

This statement makes me think troll. And oh, for the sake of women everywhere, I hope I'm right.

kayakgal

This is a joke, right?

SKP82

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_how-to-get-bf-on-board?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:da439762-ddf7-4373-b001-470a535bef6dPost:1879989e-ffb5-4eb5-bacc-01d5d39aea8e">Re: How to get BF on board?</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes, I'm "for real," but thanks for being so condescending. We've been dating for about six months.  And I already said that I'm trying NOT to pressure him--that's why I posted this! <strong>Do you think that a surprise wedding would work?</strong>  Even though we haven't really talked about marriage, I know that we're on the same page about kids, money, etc. <strong>And I could pay for the whole thing, with some help from my parents (they said they'd help otu when the time comes).
</strong>Posted by Louise869[/QUOTE]

Bahahahaahaha!!

Your parents would help you pay for a wedding when you're not even engaged??

Swazzle

Something HAS to be in the water lately.  

I can't. I just can't. 

tdwpg1984

So I personally don't think it's a terrible idea to browse occasioanlly and look at photos on line or even read the odd wedding magazine here and there and think "Oh, that would be really nice for my wedding." As long as it's just looking, and not often and you don't do it to actually plan a wedding, more just to look at pretty photos, and you're willing to compromise/completely change things if your partner doesn't like your ideas, that's fine.  I call it looking at wedding porn.

Hell I look at photos and think "ohhh that would be pretty at mine and BF's wedding!" But in reality if BF said to me today "I don't want a wedding or anything. I want us to go to a judge in normal, every day clothes, pull two witnesses off the street and get married randomly" if that's really what he had his heart set on, I'd do it. I'd be upset not being able to share out wedding with my loved ones, but the MARRIAGE to my BF is the important thing to me, NOT so much the wedding, and I'd get over it PDQ. 

I also see no problem with sitting down with your BF and having an adult conversation about where your relationship is going. I did this with my BF the other day, sat down and asked him how he felt about things and asked where our relationship was going and asked for a general idea of when we MIGHT move to the next step, making it clear that we don't have to do anything until HE is ready. We ended up going ring shopping a few days later and last weekend we put a deposit down on a ring. And even then I made it clear that while it was what I wanted, it was only what I wanted if it was also something he wanted.

What I do have a problem with, OP, is the fact that you seem to want a wedding and not a marriage. And that you seem like you want to pressure your BF into proposing just so you can have your pretty pretty princess day. You should never force anyone, especially not your partner, into doing anything they don't want to do. If you want a party, have a party. But don't force your BF to do something he may not be ready for.

loves2shop4shoes

You girls are such bitches.  How dare you be so mean to our new poster!  This is not the Third Reich...this is NEY!

OP, I COMPLETELY  know what you're feeling.  See, I've pre-planned my graduation party from my PhD program.  I KNOW it's going to happen EVENTUALLY, so I know what flowers/ colors/ songs I want.  Now I just have to tell the PhD program that I haven't even applied to yet that despite my not being prepared by having a Master's degree, they need to accept me NOWNOWNOW.

Maybe I should just surprise them by showing up in cap and gown at their next graduation and demanding a diploma?  What do you think?

ravenray

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_how-to-get-bf-on-board?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:da439762-ddf7-4373-b001-470a535bef6dPost:025253b6-4392-4e53-a886-448cd02d2a94">Re: How to get BF on board?</a>:
[QUOTE]You girls are such bitches.  How dare you be so mean to our new poster!  This is not the Third Reich...this is NEY! OP, I COMPLETELY  know what you're feeling.  See, I've pre-planned my graduation party from my PhD program.  I KNOW it's going to happen EVENTUALLY, so I know what flowers/ colors/ songs I want.  Now I just have to tell the PhD program that I haven't even applied to yet that despite my not being prepared by having a Master's degree, they need to accept me NOWNOWNOW. Maybe I should just surprise them by showing up in cap and gown at their next graduation and demanding a diploma?  What do you think?
Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]
I love you.  Bonus points for the third reich.

Swazzle

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_how-to-get-bf-on-board?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:da439762-ddf7-4373-b001-470a535bef6dPost:025253b6-4392-4e53-a886-448cd02d2a94">Re: How to get BF on board?</a>:
[QUOTE]You girls are such bitches.  How dare you be so mean to our new poster!  <strong>This is not the Third Reich...this is NEY!</strong> OP, I COMPLETELY  know what you're feeling.  See, I've pre-planned my graduation party from my PhD program.  I KNOW it's going to happen EVENTUALLY, so I know what flowers/ colors/ songs I want.  Now I just have to tell the PhD program that I haven't even applied to yet that despite my not being prepared by having a Master's degree, they need to accept me NOWNOWNOW. Maybe I should just surprise them by showing up in cap and gown at their next graduation and demanding a diploma?  What do you think?
Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]

<div>DED.</div>

melmac86

I think this is made up.

In case it's not - please think of how your boyfriend would feel finding out that you planned an entire wedding without his input. It's not only about what you want. If/when you get engaged some day to this guy, he deserves to make decisions also. It'll be HIS wedding day too.

Another thing - 6 months into the relationship is still the "honeymoon" phase. You probably still have your 24/7 lovey dovey feelings, but things can and most likely WILL change. Once this period of your relationship is over, real life starts. You'll have arguments and days you don't like each other all that much and if you pass those tests on the relationship, you'll have a better understanding if your relationship is really meant for marriage.

alyaki

...You sound completely insane.  I'm sorry.

csousa1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_how-to-get-bf-on-board?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:da439762-ddf7-4373-b001-470a535bef6dPost:dff4a678-0f51-4ba3-9383-7ca1cd2e2d61">Re: How to get BF on board?</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh geeze, Louise.
Posted by polo1425[/QUOTE]

DYING.

meamolly

Oh shoes, you have made my day that much better.

I don't know about you girls but I already have my nursery items for my baby. Never mind that I am not even having sex. It will happen one of these days and so I want to make sure that when I do finally get knocked up and force the guy to marry me, we will have all the baby stuff. Oh and I hope it is a girl or I will have one pretty looking boy dressed up in all the cute little frilly dresses I bought on sale last week!