Waiting for a proposal..

GreenPepperBurger

I have a shirt like that.

jeanacorina

The Craigslist thing was a joke.

We pick on each other ALL the time. Did you read my WTFBBQ post today?

jemmini6

my sister had a timeline too.  she started dating a guy when she was 18 and she wanted to be married by 24 and be finished having kids by the time she was 30.  so she ended up getting married at 22, had her first baby at 25, and is now getting divorced at 27(her husband has turned into a super asshole).  i'm not saying she was wrong for wanting those things or even did anything wrong, but i think in part, her "timeline" clouded her judgment for what was actually right for her. 

essentially, it's good to have a general idea of where you would like things to go, but you still need to go with the flow and focus on what is RIGHT, not what fits your timeline...you may end up making mistakes or even miss out on something great.

so like the PPs, i would suggest trying to have a serious talk with your BF and discuss where you see things just to make sure you are on the same page.  but if situations come up that pushes your original plans back...or even moves them forward, embrace and adapt to what life throws at you otherwise you will always be setting yourself up for disappointment.

melmac21

It's not possible to understand the inflections of someone's typing, especially when they're strangers, so the "jokes" don't really come across that way. Thanks to everyone for the advice though. I appreciate it!

oceana919

Holy mother of all that's Swedish, you post for the first time on an international message board with the message, "I don't want to hear anything that doesn't validate what I'm saying". Honey, all bets are off when you come into the arena like that.

::pats you on the head::

::hands you a lollipop::

::points you in the direction of puppies and rainbows::

**Mutley**

I still want to know the answer to my question. 


VALIDATE ME! 
(And if I could actually change my effing signature, I would put that there.)

Ana_2985

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_waiting-proposal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:dbfa9938-1c65-4aad-819c-d833f783850aPost:38076dbe-0cca-4b41-82fe-d6e0e158d6c9">Re: Waiting for a proposal..</a>:
[QUOTE]The Craigslist thing was a joke.
Posted by jeanacorina[/QUOTE]

...or was it? *


*sarcasm inflection

[Deleted User]

When I saw all the talk of timelines, it reminded me of what I wrote in my high school memory book at the time of graduation.  Under my predictions for 10 years from now it said: "I'll have my PhD, married with at least one, possibly two kids".  18 years later (yes, I'll be 36 in 2 weeks), I don't have a PhD (not that I want one anymore), I've never been married and I don't have kids. 

Life happened for me and I waited (not always patiently) for the man of my dreams to find his way into my life.  I'm waiting for my proposal, too.  He knows that I will wait for him till the end of time (but I've also jokingly threatened that if we're not married by the time I'm 40 he's a dead man...he then reminds me that he just named me as beneficiary on his life insurance policy, so at least I'll live comfortably).

You wanted to know how to bring the topic up...no, it's definitely not easy to get guys to talk about their feelings (and no, it doesn't get any easier when they're older, my guy is 41).  I would suggest maybe just taking the remote and turning off the TV one night and start talking (just make sure it's not during his favorite show), if he doesn't want to talk or gets upset about talking about it, then you'll know you'll have some thinking to do.  Only you can make the decision if you stay or go.

I hope you'll give the board a chance.  I've only been here for a couple months and I've already gotten so much great advice.  The only thing I can say about advice, whether it be from a message board, your friends and family or 10 little old ladies sitting around a quilting bee who are all certain that their way is the best...take what you like and leave the rest.

melmac21

@mutley: I answered your question earlier. I said..
I didn't say I can't communicate.. I said I was scared, because I don't want to make him feel pressured and was wondering if there was a good way to start the conversation.

Thanks Angie

hetshup

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_waiting-proposal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:dbfa9938-1c65-4aad-819c-d833f783850aPost:ab329566-287c-411e-ab91-f483a65dae25">Re: Waiting for a proposal..</a>:
[QUOTE]It's not possible to understand the inflections of someone's typing, especially when they're strangers, so the "jokes" don't really come across that way. Thanks to everyone for the advice though. I appreciate it!
Posted by melmac21[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Sigh... Noobie, there is a reason there is an intro thread. Which recommends that you lurk first. It's a bit like walking into a group of people and announcing you've pooped yourself. Well, not exactly, but you know what I mean. If you are awkward, we will say something. Hell, I'm awkward everyday. Do I get jacked with? You bet. Do I care? Not so much. </div><div>
</div><div>Have a conversation with him, the worst thing that could happen is that you find out that his timeline is not like yours. Dragging yourself through a relationship without getting to a critical part WOULD actually be worse. </div><div>
</div><div>I had some other sage advice, but I forgot it. </div>

marinabreeze

LOL at Craiglist...although I actually did meet my FI that way...seriously.   I'd only recommend it if you are willing to wade through lots of crazies.

To the OP, I think that when you're in the thick of it, it's hard to be patient, but I think you should consider what many of the PPs are saying.  I am a planner by nature.  I wanted to finish college by 22, get married at 25, and have my law degree around the same time.  I am 29 now...I finished college when I planned (but not in the same major), I didn't go to law school...I changed my mind and went to grad school, and will hopefully earn my PhD this year, and my wedding date is set for next year...I will be 30 years old when I marry my FI.  Life happens, and when your plans involve others, they aren't always on your time-table.

When I was 24, I was kind of like you in terms of wanting to get married and not having to wait forever for it (or waiting until I'm 30 or so).  The idea of marrying older, or never getting married at all, scared the crap out of me.  I was watching most of my friends and acquaintances getting married, and I thought my time would never come.  Others would ask me about marriage, and it depressed me.  The person I *thought* was the one...well, it just never worked out the way I thought it was supposed to.  So I *get* it to some degree.

Now for what you want for you life...I think it's great to know what you want, but marriage would include your BF, and he has to be ready as well.  I don't think there's a special timetable for when he *should*  be ready, but think about in your mind how long you are willing to wait for the man you love.  On one hand, I agree with PPs in terms of enjoying the moment, but I also don't think you should have to sacrifice your dreams forever either.  To be honest with you, I think that the fact that you live with your BF might make him even more comfortable with how things are, and not feel a need to take it to the next level.

In any case, I think it's a good idea to have a talk with him about the future and where he sees your relationship in 1, 5, 10 years (like PPs said).  Whatever his answer is (and you have to be ready for whatever his take is, even if you don't like it), then at least you know and you can go from there.

SopChick

Please don't take anything I'm saying as trying to be mean. I'm just giving honest opinions.

I'm in a similar situation as you are, in that BF and I have been living together for just over a year, I'm 24 and he's 25. Also, I am feeling a lot more pressure in the wedding department than he is. (FWIW we've been together longer than 3.5 years)

It can definitely be annoying to feel pressure from people outside of your relationship about when you're going to get married - especially if you feel you are ready. However, none of the opinions of outsiders really matter, as they are not in your relationship. Only the two of you together can decide when you're BOTH ready.

If you are worried about bringing up the topic of marriage with your BF too much, maybe you could decide not to bring it up for a certain length of time? If you have expressed to him that you want to spend your life with him, then I would leave it at that for a while. Even for a few months. Then just enjoy being together. Once the wedding is over, you're going to be married for a looooong time to come, so what's the rush? Don't get me wrong, I'm so excited for all of those next steps with BF - but when it's right for US, not just for me. It's a partnership, so he gets an equal vote! If you truly cannot see your life without him, then you need to make some decisions about which is more important: being married in general, or being happy with him & not married - with the obvious ideal being married to him. Only then can you decide if you should wait for him to be ready or end the relationship.

As for bringing up the topic if you decide you want to (which I believe was your original question), I would probably start out by talking about the future, as other posters have suggested. Where he sees himself as a person as well as the two of you as a couple. Do you know what his goals in life are? These are things you need to talk about before you can decide to be married to one another. The key here is to really LISTEN to his answers. And don't get emotional or whiny if you don't like what you hear. He is every bit as entitled to his opinion as you are to yours!

I hope this helps to give you a different perspective, and possibly some things to think about. Good luck!

rckstr773

i suggest that you sit down and talk to him about it, he may not be ready and that okay i am 26 and getting married this year, we were together for 6 years before we got engaged we waited till we were done with school and had jobs ,but we were able t sit down and talk about what we wanted , so just sit down and be honest about were you want to be in the next few years 

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_waiting-proposal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:dbfa9938-1c65-4aad-819c-d833f783850aPost:0e8d0623-ed05-4523-9793-9833397bc009">Re: Waiting for a proposal..</a>:
[QUOTE]@mutley: I answered your question earlier. I said.. I didn't say I can't communicate.. I said I was scared, because I don't want to make him feel pressured and was wondering if there was a good way to start the conversation. Thanks Angie
Posted by melmac21[/QUOTE]

i actually just had this conversation with my boyfriend a couple weeks ago.
and you're right- it IS scary.

so here's what i did. while we were watching a movie, i turned to him and said, "Justin, can i ask you a question? please don't take this the wrong way!" like you, i was scared that he'd feel pressured if i asked him for his idea on a timeline. luckily for me, he knows me well enough that i have a tendency to be overly curious, constantly planning ahead, and blunt ot the point of awkwardness.

so i just asked him flat out when he ideally wanted to get married. i basically asked him for his idea of a timeline. not that everything goes according to a planned timeline. so he said he'd like to be married before he was 30. and that he'd like to be engaged for about a year to a year and a half (just like you melmac). which would make him around 27-28 when he'd like to get engaged at the latest. so he turned to me and said "and that would make you about 25-26. when do you ideally want to get married?" i told him i'd like to have my BA before getting married. and he kissed me on the forehead and we went back to watching the movie.

if you really think he's the one, then i'm sure you have your reasons for believing that. and this is a great way to find out- just swallow your fear for a minute and sit down and have hte conversation! let him know it isn't a contract and nothing is set in stone- it's just a talk. to see where he sees the two of you headed.

good luck!

p.s. i hope you don't mind me using my story as an example. it's just what i tried. and i think it worked out nicely for me.

Button5807

OP IMHO you're an idiot.

BCRockies

I agree with PP; you need to have a conversation with your BF but also, BE PATIENT. If he's not ready to talk marriage openly and honestly, sit back and enjoy the relationship.

Ask yourself: if BF never wanted to get married would you stay with him?

At your age, I asked myself the same thing with my now ex-BF. I realized we weren't meant to be because I wanted to be married and have kids but didn't really care about the relationship.

Currently, I know that if BF never asked me to marry him, I would be completely okay with this as he is the man I want to journey through life with. I do know that one day we will be married though as we have discussed it in great depths. There is no timeline;it will happen when it happens.

As someone who is turning 30 in about 6 months, I do give you the side eye for 'not having enough energy for kids'. I have more 'energy' now than I did 5 years ago. If you have a child, you will have energy for them no matter what your age.

Enjoy the adventure of life and embrace what you have got now without the emphasis on the 'future'.

lauralazer

Of course it's awkward asking him!  I'm sure he already knows you want to get married, so just ask him where he sees the two of you in five years.  I

amylo84

marriage takes two.  you both have to consider each others feelings.  he needs to understand your feelings on the situation but at the same time you need to understand why he doesn't wanna jump on the wedding wagon.  marriage needs commitment, communication, and compromise.  to even consider moving on so that you can get married in what you think is a reasonable amount of time makes me question your commitment to the relationship.  If I had left my bf because he was hesitant about marriage, we would have broken up a long time ago.  If he is definitely the one for you  now then he will still be the one 5 years from now, or whenever you decide to take your relationship to the next level.  It would be such a shame to lose the love of your life because he didn't fit into your timeline.  trust me it will be worth the wait, me and FI have been together 9 years.  and looking back, I wouldn't have it any other way 

Narwhal

I thought everyone was nice to you.

Also, timelines blow. When I was 18, I thought by 24 I was going to be a graphic designer completely done with school, married, living in New York somewhere.  I think for a little while I was banking on being a tattoo artist.

Fast forward a few years. I'm a psychology major trying to decide if I want my PhD, not married or even engaged, and still living in South Carolina (which I'm more in love with now than ever) WITH MY PARENTS. For now. For a month.  I just roll with it.  I found time to do what I want to do.  I've changed and I've grown. Heck, I don't even draw anymore (which is actually something I miss, but that's unrelated). I've turned totally crunchy.  I want to live somewhere warm and beachy.

The point is, things change. You roll with it and get on with your life, or your life is going to get on without you.

alisabeth93

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_waiting-proposal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:dbfa9938-1c65-4aad-819c-d833f783850aPost:299ee9bd-fe5f-4613-ba51-0e1c12ba5054">Waiting for a proposal..</a>:
[QUOTE]     I'm just looking for some ideas or opinions, because I don't know what to think anymore. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3.5 years. We are both 24. We've lived together for the past year without any real trouble. Sure we have our arguments, but we're currently working through them to build a healthier relationship.      We've talked about marriage several times, always by my initiation and I can't ever tell what he's thinking. He sort of shies away and gets this goofy smile and giggle. Both our families have brought up marriage. I don't think he's feeling the pressure, because not 1 of his guy friends even has a girlfriend. I'm growing restless and at the same time I'm scared to keep bringing it up, because I don't want a proposal for the wrong reason.      I'm in love with him and want to spend my life with him. I just don't know how long I'm supposed to wait around. We're not getting any younger. He knows that depending on timing, I'd prefer a year to year and a half engagement. If he's going to keep dragging his feet then I feel like I need to move on. It takes a while to build a relationship that's ready for marriage. I don't want to be in my 30's and getting married for the first time. I want to be young enough to fully be able to keep up with my kids. How much longer do I stick around??      Please don't judge me or respond with nasty comments. I'm just curious on what someone else's take on this is... Thanks!
Posted by melmac21[/QUOTE]

I would just like to say....that the behavior of others on here is uncalled for...by far. It is totally normal to want to marry him and be eager if it is something you want and desire...so everyone can just CHILL! I would just talk to him and see where you're at. Good luck to you and God bless!!!!