Picking Out the Ring Without Me and Intro

minskat30

Hello, all.  I've lurked for a little bit since the BF and I started talking marriage talk but figured I would introduce myself (and ask for a little ring-perspective) since the BF gave me a timeline; engaged sometime this year and married early to mid-next year.  His family is visiting mine in mid-summer this year (they have to fly half way across the world to do so) and I've flew in January of this year half way across the world to meet his immediate family so I have the "stamp" of approval, if you will.   Question for you first...how many of your SOs picked out or will pick out the ring without any guidance from you?  When the timeline came up from the BF I asked what he thought he was going to do ring-wise and if he wanted my input other than "no yellow gold" (and if he wanted my input I would need to look around, as I don't really wear jewelry and haven't the slightest idea what would look good on me- I've never worn rings).  He thought that it would take the romance and mystery out of it and wanted to do it on his own, which I think is sweet but it makes me a teensy nervous.  Anyone else in a similar situation?   He also was confused because he thought we would pick out wedding bands together but the engagement ring he would be in charge of and that the "wedding band" is what you wore for life not the engagement ring plus wedding band.  I've always known people to wear both, correct?  I think he was confused because the engagement ring and wedding band often come in a set to make it look like one big ring. 

Screen Name: minskat30
Age: 30
Significant Other's Age: 35
What You Do: Attorney
What SO Does: Software Engineer
State of Relationship: Moving in together this summer.
How Long You've Been Together: A year and a few months
How You Met: Online
Wedding Date (if you're engaged/married): N/A
Real Babies: N/A
Fur Babies: A Great Pyrenees...loveable, big bear who is slightly (well, maybe more than slightly) crazy.
Loves: The BF, the dog, walking, cooking/baking/grilling, cooking blogs (Pioneer Woman, Smitten Kitchen, etc.), white wine and lots of cheese (except Blue Cheese) and exercise classes to burn off all that cooking, wine and cheese.
Hates: A sense of entitlement, a lack of appreciation.
Pet Peeves: Cutting in line, cracking fingers.
Hobbies/Activities: Mostly cooking related or exercise related.
Favorite Thing About Your SO: The way he can make everything seem ok with a look, a hug or a kiss.  The fact that he loves my crazy dog.  That he pushes me out of my shell and makes me feel safe to say whatever is on my mind.
Least Favorite Thing About Your SO: He can get pretty cranky when he doesn't eat on a regular schedule- and the boy eats A LOT (wish I had his metabolism). 
Describe Your Personality: Laid-back, kind and empathetic but hardworking, driven and uber-protective of my loved ones.
Snark Level (1 [low snark] - 10 [high snark]): Maybe 3...I've been told "sarcasm doesn't suit you" by a number of people.
I've Been On TK Since: Just now.
How You Came to Be On TK: Don't know how I stumbled here in the first instance.
How I like my potatoes: Cheesy.Favorite book/author: I love the Harry Potter books.Tell Us Something Interesting About Yourself: I've traveled a lot (the BF and I have been on 6 or so trips in the year+ we've been together so we both love exploring new places even for a weekend) and I used to sing opera (competitively not professionally).

thelamarrs

BF and I have been together for 5 years, have talked about marriage but are also in no rush to get married ( I'm 20, he's 21) and probably won't be engaged for at least another year, if not two. 

We know that he's using the diamonds from the ring my dad gave my mom, so he is going to get a custom setting made that he designs/picks out. I am 100% okay with not knowing what I'm going to get whenever I get it (because I told him I don't want any idea of when he'll ask). Some girls are super picky about jewlery, but the fact that BF picked out and purchased the ring for me means more to me than having a ring that I picked out. 

jemmini6

Welcome!

H vaguely asked what type of ring I wanted, and we looked here and there for almost a year before we got enaged.  In the end though, we still went ring shopping together, but I didn't know when he bought it, or when or how he was going to propose, so it was still very much a surprise to me. (and besides, while I love my ring, it was definitely not the part I was most excited about as far as the proposal went).  It's really personal preference though, if he's bought jewelry for you before that you've liked, then I wouldn't worry about it too much, but if you are concerned about it, maybe you should try to give him a few more specifics of what you'd like to help him navigate a little better.

You say you and your BF like to travel?  Where have you been together?

Annas2013

My FI picked out the ring without me only going by what I told him which was that I did not like solitaires, didn't want yellow gold, and I didn't want a huge ring.  His family convinced him to show me the ring before he bought it to make sure it was something I liked.  I loved it.  My rings came as a set, so the wedding band came with the engagement ring and they fit together in a way.  I plan on wearing both.  I've known people to wear both, unless they can only wear the band due to work.

I mean if he wants to do it on his own, that's his choice.  Just give guidelines.  If you want to, go with him and try on a few different sizes and styles to see what you like, or what looks good.  

JBSMADA10

My bf and I picked out the ring together. Because he knows I'm picky and he'd like me to wear something I truly love. Although I know that we have a ring, I truly have no idea when he is going to propose. It for me doesn't kill the surprise because it makes me equally anxious/excited for the future. And to answer your question some people wear their engagement and wedding band together but other people wear wedding band and engagement ring on separate hands. It all depends on the person. If he is truly adamant on purchasing without you, look at pics of ring and give him a dossier so he knows exactly what fits your style.

minskat30

I have to say I was shocked (but pleasantly so) when he said he wanted to pick it out by himself because he hates finding the perfect gift for people (gets stressed that they won't like it, etc.).  I'm usually in charge of picking out presents for family/friends.  That said, he did give me a lovely diamond and silver necklace that is pretty much the only piece of jewelry I wear.  He got my mom's input on it but he does have great taste in everything else he wears/buys for himself. 

thelamarrs- I agree, I love the idea of him picking out something for me and I'm sure I will love it.    I do really like the idea of a surpirse too...just wanted to see if others had a similar situation.

jemmini- We've been to Napa, San Francisco, Austin, Mexico (Cancun), throughout Wisconsin and several places in India (Delhi, Agra, etc.).  His mom lives in India currently so I went to meet the family in January of this year.  We are both pretty well traveled on our own too before we met (we both lived in London at one point in our respective lives and traveled around a lot while living "across the pond").  I love, love, love True Blood by the way.  It is one of the few shows I watch on TV.  Are you excited for the season to start?

audrewuh

FI and I went and shopped together because I had absolutely no idea what I wanted. I must have changed my mind a million times, which probably stressed him out. We were really lucky my parents decided to offer us a family ring or else we'd still be looking. 

When it comes to the band and e-ring, most women wear them together and at the same time. They can match or not, that's a personal preference. Custom bands can also be made to match any e -ring, if need be. You can pick out bands together or on your own. I picked mine out while I was e-ring shopping with my BFF, sent a pic to FI and bought it. 

That being said, I knew what I was getting and even how and when I was getting it, but that didn't make it any less special, although there was no essence of mystery. It's up to you and your guy. Would he be against you going and looking by yourself, just so you have an idea of what you like? 

leia1979

Hello and welcome!

I picked out my own ring and had a very difficult time finding something I liked. H rather preferred I pick mine out because that way he couldn't go wrong. He actually ended up proposing with a costume jewelry ring because mine wasn't ready yet but he wanted to propose at Disneyland.

Mine is a set, so it was purchased together. Some people always wear both, some people only wear one, and some people only have one. Of my friends, most have two rings and always wear both.

I think there's value in trying stuff on and figuring out what you like. If he wants to surprise you, you can go by yourself to determine what you like and provide some guidelines to help him pick something. For example, I really didn't want anything too big or too tall. Trying things on helped me figure out how to quantify too big.

minskat30

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_picking-out-the-ring-without-me-and-intro?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:dcdc0467-161e-4e99-a3e5-e646d8ef3790Post:f1987b0c-5247-4a22-8320-db93ac3c58ff">Re: Picking Out the Ring Without Me and Intro</a>:
[QUOTE] Would he be against you going and looking by yourself, just so you have an idea of what you like? 
Posted by audrewuh[/QUOTE]

I think I will wait for him to bring it up.  I'm not sure if maybe he already had something in mind?  When I asked if he wanted my input he mentioned how he wanted to surprise me and make it romantic and said something along the lines of "well if I got your opinion, I'd have to get it quick" then changed the subject.  I don't want to hurt his feelings at all if he already had something in mind.  I put the subject out there so I think I will wait for him to bring it up again and leave it be for now.  I'm sure I'd be happy with just about anything he gave me since he has great taste.  It just really threw me for a loop since, in the past, an ex-BF asked to look at rings with him (I realized I didn't want to marry him so I sidestepped the quiestion/looking at rings with him and gently broke up with him shortly thereafter).  I just "assumed" that was what couples did now a days (look at rings together, that is, not breaking up after a BF asks you to look at rings).  I'll have a little faith in my SO- if he needs input he certainly can get it from my mom or his mom like he did my necklace.

Thank you ladies for the warm welcome!

Peaseblossom55

hiya minskat,

BF & I have talked about engagement and marriage.  BF is moving in with me in the next few months.  So I told him whenever he was ready I wanted to be surprised. He knows he can go to my mom for her ring, a pear shaped diamond or go his own.  I have hinted I prefer white gold, and other than that I've left it up to him.  He does know I want a diamond, I've hinted at round,  I said I wanted him to pick out what he liked for me and was in his budget.

So I have no diea of what I would like or what would even look good on me.  I told him not to even consider spending over $xxxx I don't want him to go broke over a ring.  So far he has picked out some wonderful pieces of jewelry for me that I love.  I know I will love whatever he chooses for a ring.

EC88

I picked out my own ring with my mom. My fiance works Monday-Saturday from 8-6, so basically all the hours that the jewelry stores I wanted to go were open. It worked well because I am picky and I don't love my fiance's taste in jewelry. I showed him a picture of the ring before we bought it though to get his approval. He loves it, but he especially loves that I love it. However, this set up is not for everyone though and his family was surprised by how non-traditional it was. 

travelerkris

Welcome!  I showed my fiance the styles of ring I liked, and he picked the exact ring himself without my input.  He didn't end up getting me the style I thought I wanted, although now that I've been wearing the ring for two months, I love it and wouldn't change it for the world.  He chose the metal and shape/cut that I preferred, but went with a heavier ring than I would have picked.  But it's the ring he gave me, and I absolutely love it.  Good luck!!! 

peekaboo2011

The first go-round my ex and I went shopping together and then he had a custom ring designed.  It wasn't really my style, but I wore it anyways.  And it was very pretty.

BF and I have only been together about 6 months right now, so we haven't really set much in the way of timeline, and we definitely haven't looked at rings other than accidentally (no, I swear.  He saw a watch he liked when we were window shopping, and it just so happened to be right next to a Tacori display with a ring I love).  IF he and I get to that point, we'll probably do some window shopping, and then he'll want to do it on his own.

msuprincess04

My bf drug me to 15 million different stores to look at every option of ring possible. I picked my favorites and he picked his (which are, of course, totally different than mine), and I then refused to go to any more jewelry stores to look at rings. Amazingly, it does get old. It's now a few months later. We are focused on getting our new house in order. We haven't talked about rings in a while, and I really don't know when he'll ask or what ring we'll end up with. I appreciate that he asked my input, but in the end, he still wants the actual proposal to be a surprise. I can't argue with that. But that's us.

My brother, thinks along the same as your bf. He doesn't want any input from his gf and wants the entire things to be a total surprise. I agree with you, that I'd be skeptical about that.

Just shoot him some links or pictures of rings you think are closer to your flavor. Or ask him to take you with him just to check a few out. One store will have lots of options. If he says no, then go on your own with a girlfriend so she can mention to him that she has an idea of what you'd appreciate.

Stina51286

FI picked my ring out by himself. The only thing he knew was that I hate yellow gold and I don't like solitares. He did tell me to look to see what I liked but before I had time to do it, he already picked out my ring. Before he gave it to me he did take me to some stores to get ideas to make sure he got a ring I would love. When he proposed, I loved it more than any of the rings I showed him in the stores, I also have a ring I have never seen before.

My ring did not come with a band. It was actually hard looking for a band that matched mine. The jeweler we go to is a private one. They didn't have anything that matched up perfect but we found one where they can mold it to my ring when they size it down. The only reason we put a deposit so early was because he gave us a great deal ($300 less and not charging to make it white gold instead of the original yellow gold). If we would have had one made to fit my ring, it would have been $1200.

jemmini6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_picking-out-the-ring-without-me-and-intro?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:dcdc0467-161e-4e99-a3e5-e646d8ef3790Post:b8822d0f-c8dc-4edf-a366-cc5e4387bc21">Re: Picking Out the Ring Without Me and Intro</a>:
[QUOTE]I have to say I was shocked (but pleasantly so) when he said he wanted to pick it out by himself because he hates finding the perfect gift for people (gets stressed that they won't like it, etc.).  I'm usually in charge of picking out presents for family/friends.  That said, he did give me a lovely diamond and silver necklace that is pretty much the only piece of jewelry I wear.  He got my mom's input on it but he does have great taste in everything else he wears/buys for himself.  thelamarrs- I agree, I love the idea of him picking out something for me and I'm sure I will love it.    I do really like the idea of a surpirse too...just wanted to see if others had a similar situation. jemmini- We've been to Napa, San Francisco, Austin, Mexico (Cancun), throughout Wisconsin and several places in India (Delhi, Agra, etc.).  His mom lives in India currently so I went to meet the family in January of this year.  We are both pretty well traveled on our own too before we met (we both lived in London at one point in our respective lives and traveled around a lot while living "across the pond").  <strong>I love, love, love True Blood by the way.  It is one of the few shows I watch on TV.  Are you excited for the season to start?</strong>
Posted by minskat30[/QUOTE]

Yes!  It's also one of the few shows I actually watch, so I'm excited for some new ones.  This season should be interesting since it's probably nothing like the book, so it'll all be new for me.