Frustrated! Vent

swhite2012

Some background: So my bf and I have been together three years, I am 21 and he is 22. We have lived together for the majority of our relationship. We have a very good relationship and we talk about pretty much everything. We know we are going to get married, but we are not officially engaged. He was going to propose the end of this year on a trip to Vegas, but because of financial stuff we have decided not to take the trip, and we are probably going to hold off on the engagement. He wants to get me the ring I want, but we don't want to dip into savings or anything like that to buy it, so we are probably going to wait.

OK, here's the frustrating part. I am the typical girl and like to think about what I want for our wedding. The thing is, whenever I want to talk about it with him, he's fine with it, but most of the time he says something like "We can start planning when it's official". That is completely fine with me, but then he will talk about things he wants randomly! Just this morning he was like "think of how much fun our wedding will be". AH! So he's allowed to daydream about it but I have to keep it in?

OK, rant over. Thanks! 

loves2shop4shoes

It's one thing to say "Our wedding will be so fun" or "I can't wait to marry you" or something of the like.  It's another to pick out colors, china patterns, dresses, venues, etc.

Don't plan until you're engaged.  Hold your horses.

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_frustrated-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:df121960-a3dc-4247-9adc-e5f1d9d18742Post:bce47320-eac5-45bb-925d-eecf2777e7dd">Re: Frustrated! Vent</a>:
[QUOTE]It's one thing to say "Our wedding will be so fun" or "I can't wait to marry you" or something of the like.  It's another to pick out colors, china patterns, dresses, venues, etc. Don't plan until you're engaged.  Hold your horses.
Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]

I agree with Shoes. There's a difference between the two, but if what he's saying is causing you to be frustrated with the situation then tell him that. And if he's being more specific with his comments regaridng actual plans, then tell him that makes you anxious as well and that now is not the time.

Daydreaming is different from planning. And remind yourself of the benefits of waiting in your case if you have to.

bethsmiles

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_frustrated-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:df121960-a3dc-4247-9adc-e5f1d9d18742Post:bce47320-eac5-45bb-925d-eecf2777e7dd">Re: Frustrated! Vent</a>:
[QUOTE]It's one thing to say "Our wedding will be so fun" or "I can't wait to marry you" or something of the like.  It's another to pick out colors, china patterns, dresses, venues, etc. Don't plan until you're engaged.  Hold your horses.
Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]

Shoes - you have been the queen of advice giving these past few days.  I agree with this 100%.

swhite2012

As I said in the original post, I am fine waiting until the engagement to actually plan. It's what I want to do. All I was venting about was the fact that it's silly when I want to talk about it with him, but when he brings things up it's ok. Thanks anyways for the advice.

DanieKA

I get you. BF and I reference our wedding sometimes, too. We did today actually after seeing the movie Bridesmaids (it was a joke about how ours is NOT going to be like the one in the movie). But you weren't very specific with what you say when you talk about it with him. Like PP's said. There's a BIG difference between "I can't wait to marry you." and "How do you feel about tall centerpieces? What about white flowers? How are the colors green and yellow for you???" 

So what kinds of things do you say that make him tell you to hold your horses? We can only give good advice depending on how specific you are. You were pretty vague, so you got the typical, "slow your roll" advice. No harm done, just trying to be helpful!

swhite2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_frustrated-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:df121960-a3dc-4247-9adc-e5f1d9d18742Post:864111eb-6e88-4e71-b0ba-33a91067d3e4">Re: Frustrated! Vent</a>:
[QUOTE]I get you. BF and I reference our wedding sometimes, too. We did today actually after seeing the movie Bridesmaids (it was a joke about how ours is NOT going to be like the one in the movie). But you weren't very specific with what you say when you talk about it with him. Like PP's said. There's a BIG difference between "I can't wait to marry you." and "How do you feel about tall centerpieces? What about white flowers? How are the colors green and yellow for you???"  So what kinds of things do you say that make him tell you to hold your horses? We can only give good advice depending on how specific you are. You were pretty vague, so you got the typical, "slow your roll" advice. No harm done, just trying to be helpful!
Posted by DanieKA[/QUOTE]

<div><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;color:#1f1f1f;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;text-align:left;line-height:normal;">Just mostly vague ideas like what kind of wedding we want and more of the type of things that we DON'T want (like what you said). Absolutely nothing concrete like colors or menu or anything like that. Like I said, just daydreaming stuff.</div></div>

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_frustrated-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:df121960-a3dc-4247-9adc-e5f1d9d18742Post:77ed8cf7-0a20-4f5b-b6ad-97cea2ebad5e">Re: Frustrated! Vent</a>:
[QUOTE]As I said in the original post, I am fine waiting until the engagement to actually plan. It's what I want to do.<strong> All I was venting about was the fact that it's silly when I want to talk about it with him, but when he brings things up it's ok.</strong> Thanks anyways for the advice.
Posted by swhite2012[/QUOTE]

And I think most of the PP were responding to how it seemed there were two different ways of talking about a future engagement/wedding. I don't see anything wrong with daydreaming, but I don't think you should feel like he can talk about wedding stuff all the time while you can't. Venting can be helpful though, too.

leia1979

If you think he's holding you to a double standard, tell him. You both need to agree to be held to the same standard.