anyone worried about asking friends to be in WP?

redheadtmk

I am not engaged yet but have thought about who is closest to me and i would like to have in my WP.hypothetically. havent got my heart set on anyone other than my sister as MOH.
 after reading so many posts about BM and MOH who turn crazy, jealous, etc I am starting to wonder how my friends will react after I am engaged. When i first started reading those types of post i thought what crappy friends. now that i have read so many i am thinking jealousy is quite common. not to mention that brides probably get annoying with the planning. anyone else worried about how/if thier friendships will change?

deburnin

Not really. I have an awesome core group of friends. When two of the people in our group got married (to each other) last December, the majority of us were in the WP, but even those who weren't were always offering to help with things. 

The only real drama was created by the MOH who isn't a part of that group. She wanted everyone to drive over an hour to her place for the bachelorette party because it was more convenient for her. All the guests were local and with weather being what it is in WNY during the winter people didn't like the idea of having to drive that far, but she did not let up and drama ensued. The fact that she made the bride so stressed out about trying to appease her still ticks me off to no end.

stemms8810

I am honestly not worried  about it either.  I have a close group of three girlfriends who I know would all be very happy for me when I get married and be ecstatic to be in my wedding party.  Two of the girls have already been married (one is divorced now) but we were all in the wedding parities together and everything went great!  Try not to stress over it if you can.

Ana_2985

No I am not worried about this at all. Also, I think envy is common, not jealousy. It's normal to see other people get things and want them for yourself (envy). It's not okay to see other people get things you want and resent them for it (jealousy). I chose my friends because I know that no matter how badly they want to be married also, they will still be 100% happy for me. I know that one of my BM's desperately wants to be engaged and is probably a little angry (at her BF) that I'm getting married first but I also know that she is still completely happy for me.

It is possible for brides to be annoying during planning, but the bride has complete control over this. They don't "get" that way by accident. Annoying, controlling brides (and people) suck so just chose note to behave that way. You sound like you are setting yourself up for a shitty situation. Rather than assuming that people will be jealous and you'll be annoying, why don't you focus instead on making sure that when you do get engaged you won't become one of those obnoxious "my life is so dramatic" brides.

mookow86

I'm more worried about asking friends from the aspect of who I ask vs. who I don't ask. I'm not even engaged, but when I told one of my friends that BF and I went ring shopping, the only thing she could say was OMG I can't wait to be in your wedding!! Umm..wth???

MLekathLEEN

I don't even really want a WP. I don't see my friends often enough and don't want them to feel obligated to be in my wedding. I wanted to ask one but if you ask one, the others will be mad so I've just decided to go with my cousin and FSIL and have no hurt feelings. FI will *hopefully* be having his best friend as the BM (if he's not stationed somewhere crazy) and another friend. We've been tossing the idea of a DW in Jamaica so if we do have one, the people in the B will be coming whether they were in it or not.

PaigeMcC

I'm not concerned.  My friends are pretty cool.  I already told them if they bug me I'll fight them.  I'm also hella laid back when it comes to this wedding stuff...and if I decide to do things I try to make it fun so yeah...don't be a bridezilla and chose people you're close with that you know don't have that crazy look in their eyes.

If people get offended b/c you didn't choose them then they just need to suck it up.  It's your wedding, you can choose to have Elmo stand for you and it's none of their business.

[Deleted User]

Several months ago, BF asked me who I'd choose to be in the WP when we get married... The question caught me off guard because 1. we aren't engaged yet and 2. It actually made me think...

My friendships have changed so much in the past year that I'm not at all sure who I would choose. One of my childhood friends (we've known each other since we're 8, we were so close we called each other 'sisters') changed after BF & I started dating. I went through a rough breakup 4 years ago and I spent 3 years being single (which was 100% my choice and I was happy with it). As soon as I started dating BF, she started with the comments "I thought you didn't want to be in a relationship?", "Oh, now you have a boyfriend so you're not a cold-hearted b*tch anymore"... and my personal favorite, "Watch, now, you're going to get married before me!"

Of course, growing up, we always said we would be each other's MOH but now, I wouldn't choose her to be in the WP at all. All of my good friends live Out of State so that makes things slightly difficult but I'm actually relieved that I'll have a very small WP and that I have a long time before I have to really worry about it...

MLekathLEEN

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_anyone-worried-asking-friends-wp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:df774f48-2a27-469f-9202-f6b10acf55adPost:d7d07405-15f2-4f61-971b-df9624ffd55f">Re: anyone worried about asking friends to be in WP?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not concerned.  My friends are pretty cool.  I already told them if they bug me I'll fight them.  I'm also hella laid back when it comes to this wedding stuff...and if I decide to do things I try to make it fun so yeah...don't be a bridezilla and chose people you're close with that you know don't have that crazy look in their eyes. If people get offended b/c you didn't choose them then they just need to suck it up. <strong> It's your wedding, you can choose to have Elmo stand for you and it's none of their business.
</strong>Posted by PaigeMcC[/QUOTE]

That's an excellent idea..but what about Big Bird?

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_anyone-worried-asking-friends-wp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:df774f48-2a27-469f-9202-f6b10acf55adPost:3ce101a8-5511-42dd-8254-7f8a85fbd145">Re: anyone worried about asking friends to be in WP?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: anyone worried about asking friends to be in WP? : That's an excellent idea..<strong>but what about Big Bird?
</strong>Posted by MLekathLEEN[/QUOTE]

I call dibs on Snuffy!! :D

PaigeMcC

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_anyone-worried-asking-friends-wp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:df774f48-2a27-469f-9202-f6b10acf55adPost:3ce101a8-5511-42dd-8254-7f8a85fbd145">Re: anyone worried about asking friends to be in WP?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: anyone worried about asking friends to be in WP? : That's an excellent idea..but what about Big Bird?
Posted by MLekathLEEN[/QUOTE]

<div>Big Bird can stand for FBD.</div>

mellimel19

I have some concerns, mainly because I don't want anyone's feelings to be hurt. I know who I've wanted as my matron and maid of honor for a long time so that's no problem. But as far as the rest of the bridesmaids go, I know a few people who are expecting to be (or just really really want to be) in my WP, and I'm concerned that they'll be upset if I don't ask them to be in it and/or be negative about the choices I make, such as choosing an old college roommate I don't see very often vs. a co-worker who has become a good friend.

Another choice I'm very iffy about is the fiancee of my FI's best friend. FI and I have a pretty close knit group of mutual friends, most of whom are couples. When FI's best friend got engaged, it was pretty much a given that my FI would be in the WP, but I was surprised when I was asked to be in the wedding party as well. I consider myself to be closer to the groom than to the bride, and although she always talks about what a close knit group we are and how us girls should get together more without the guys, she rarely ever accepts invitations out with just the girls, and NEVER initiates a get together with us. So without trying to sound rude, I'm just not exactly sure why she thinks we're that close. Perhaps we just have different views on friendship. But I'm concerned that she will be hurt and offended if I don't reciprocate and ask her to be in my WP. I'm also concerned that it might cause some tension between the guys, because her FI will likely be the best man at our wedding.

Ugh... how has anyone else dealt with feelings of obligation to include certain people in their WP? Particularly people who have asked you to be in their WP?

nottheonlydreamer44

I think you're putting the cart before the horse because you're not engaged yet. Sometimes there is envy and many other things that happen when someone gets engaged but the best people in your life will be there for you and excited.

I'm not sad/upset about the friends I asked to be in my wedding. They might not have been a perfect fit but relationships change and shift all the time. Even in a short period of time (sometimes an engagement can push problems that already existed to the surface) but in any direction.

A BP is your choice and in the end it's your decision who choose to be friends with on a day to day basis, not just when youi're planning a wedding.

Elle1036

My only worry is that BF has two sisters.  I'm pretty good friends with one of them and would love for her to be a bridesmaid or something, but the other sister has never done anything but trash our relationship based on my religion, and it would feel wrong to me to have her involved in a wedding that she'll judge anyway, since it won't be a Catholic church ceremony.

I'm pretty sure I can't include one sister without the other, so I've been debating on which way I would rather do it, both in or both out.  I still have a year, possibly more, until I need to make those decisions, so I'll see how the situation changes.

calindi

Honestly, potential drama isn't even one of the reasons I don't want bridesmaids.  My good friends are so totally drama-free, it is incredible.  Three girls I was roommates with in college would be the top of the pile if I were to pick bridesmaids, but none of them is the "Oooooh! I want to be a bridesmaid!" type.  None of them will mind one little bit that I don't ask them to be bridesmaids (two of them at least will be very relieved as they hate being the center of attention), and they've all already made it very clear that they intend to be involved regardless.

I just honestly don't get the point of bridesmaids.  MOH, sure.  Legally, you need two witnesses.  That was the original point of the MOH, to be the witness on behalf of the Bride, then the Best Man was the witness on behalf of the Groom.  That has a legal and logical reason for it.  But to me, I just don't see the point of bridesmaids - it seems like someone couldn't decide among their friends so they put them all in the same dress and had them stand next to the MOH.

And then you end up with people getting hurt because they're not invited, and blah blah blah.  It's more about the drama of who I wouldn't pick than who I would.  BF has 3 sisters, I've got a ton of cousins whose mothers all had me as a flower girl or junior bridesmaids when I was a kid.  So if I bent to pressure, I'd have BF's 3 sisters as bridesmaids, then 15 cousins I'd have to beat off with a stick whose parents would all want them in the wedding.  No freaking way!

Anyway, my vote is no bridal party.  Me, BF, and we each have a witness (in my case, my brother).  End. Of. Story.  Though BF has mentioned that his soon-to-be niece will be 18 months old when we get married, so it might be cute to have her as a little flower girl.  We'll see!  If he really wants it, then I'm happy to do it.

jemmini6

Kinda getting ahead of yourself on this one.  If you aren't even engaged yet, it may be a little premature to start planning your wedding party.  Not that you can't think about who your close friends are, etc, but it's just that relationships can change between now and then.

I started dating FI my senior year of college, I had a few girlfriends who I thought I might have in my WP.  But after graduation, people moved, got jobs, relationships changed, etc.  Now there's only one I really still talk to on a regular basis.

Asking our WP was still pretty easy though, we are only having 3 each, 2 of which are our siblings, which was pretty much a given, so it's not like there was any asking involved.  Our one friend each that we asked were both excited for us and glad to be in the WP.

motoLyn

When I got engaged other people were surprised that my older sister wasn't going to be my MOH or even a BM.  I was her MOH when she got married.  My BFF is my MOH, it has become an unspoken knowledge for so long now.  She's like a sister to me.  I would only  have two BM but FI wants three GM and he isn't into being asymmetrical, so the other BM is a college friend who I have grown close to.  I'm one of her BM and she's getting married in Dec. 2011.  The last BM is up in the air.  I have a close girl friend that was a major key player on bringing FI and I together.  But she's so busy and her schedule is so spontaneous along with the fact that she's out of work that I am not sure she can be one because of the destination wedding factor.  Then there's the fall back of my cousin who was also my older sister's BM.  Last choice is one of FI's younger sisters, but I feel that if I ask one the other two might feel left out.  But I have like 7  or so months to decide, so no biggie.  One thing is I know I can't please everyone.  I don't have many close friends, so its not hard for me to pick BM. 

I'm not sure I'll have a flower girl, but my niece is just so cute, so I'm sure my older sister will want me to have a flower girl.  Hmmm....

**Mutley**

There is no need to be worried.  If you are a true friend who asks their true friends, you will not have drama. 

I don't know anybody who has had drama.  The only drama I've seen has been on TK.  Usually this drama occurs when someone does not think about who they are asking, they ask their BP too far in advance (or before they are even engaged,) they expect their friend to change because they are getting married or the bride is BSC/bridezilla. 

lindsayrae1986

i am pretty sure about who will be in our WP.  FI has lots of family (3 bros and 3 cousins plus my bro) on his side.  i'm pretty sure who my BMs will be, but no clue about MOHs.  that will be the hard part. 

the most drama i'm getting is from my mom and FMIL, haha.  i don't expect to get any drama from my BMs.  i've never really heard of WP drama until TK.

redheadtmk

i am not stressed or even worried about it really. i wont pick my WP either until i am engaged.  it was just a thought. i just kept reading so many of those types of posts it got me thinking. like i said at first i just assumed they were brides with crappy friends. after about 100 such posts i started thinking that some of those girls had to be thinking thier friendships were solid and were truly taken aback by theier friends reactions. people dont really post when thier  WP is amazing so i thought i would see if anyone else had thought about or had good experiences. i am not a drama queen or a control freak. i dont anticipate any drama. which is kinda why i thought i would ask....i didnt want to be caught off guard if these types of negative reactions were common. 
thanks ladies for your reassurances!