What is the purpose of an engagement?

Ember01

FI and I had a huge discussion about the purpose of an engagement last night. What do you think the purpose of an engagement is?

My thoughts: To prepare for becoming someone's wife/husband.

FI's thought: To make a final decision on if this is the right person for you.

We both agreed it was also a time to plan a wedding.

What do you think? Is it a time to make a final decision or should that decision already be made?

kibo8

I agree with you more than your FI. If someone wasn't sure this was the right person for them I don't think they should be engaged.

luvdncn90

I definitely agree with you and PP. If you're not sure if this person is the right one for you, you most definitely should not be engaged.

To me and M, engagement is a time to prepare for our lives together by saving money, looking for a house, as well as planning our wedding. I think the engagement period is the transition period between just BF and GF and husband and wife, because that is a huge step. It gives you time to prepare for married life, but that's just my opinion.

Ember01

FI's argument was that premarital counseling makes people really think about the marriage and that some people sometimes decide not to get married during the counseling (he has friends who this happened to). He explained that this is what was weighing on his mind when he gave his answer.

luvdncn90

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_purpose-of-engagement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:e02b5ec9-a0c7-47e2-b903-30180b564d36Post:e9458e21-ddfc-478e-8716-0d29859b0b65">Re: What is the purpose of an engagement?</a>:
[QUOTE]FI's argument was that premarital counseling makes people really think about the marriage and that some people sometimes decide not to get married during the counseling (he has friends who this happened to). He explained that this is what was weighing on his mind when he gave his answer.
Posted by Ember01[/QUOTE]

I think that maybe those couples has issues/doubts before that they most likely chose to ignore, and pre-marital counseling may have been the deciding straw that ultimately led to them breaking up.

loves2shop4shoes

I agree with you.  I think the seriously dating stage is the time to decide if this person is really for you...being engaged is making the promise to get married.

True story...legally, the engagement ring belongs to the man until you get married because getting engaged is a promise to get married, not a promise to be engaged.

AudgiePodge

To plan a kick-ass party.

stemms8810

I also think like PP's it is a time to prepare to become a wife/husband, plan your wedding and get yourselves set up to share a life together.  I kind of see your FI's point in making sure this really is the person you want to marry.  It's a little more time to get to know your partner depending on how long your engagement is.  But like someone else said, you should really know if you want to marry someone before asking them. 

Goldlie11

an engagement is the time to plan a wedding.  

[Deleted User]

Before this post I have never thought of what an engagement meant.  I always thought of it as having roots in some classing courting era, and that made the idea of an engagement so romantic to me.

Now I am intrigued to do some research and find out where it started, I'm sure that its origins can explain its meaning.

bethsmiles

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_purpose-of-engagement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:e02b5ec9-a0c7-47e2-b903-30180b564d36Post:c1280c8f-5be5-4102-872f-b5e5a1365f06">Re: What is the purpose of an engagement?</a>:
[QUOTE]an engagement is the time to plan a wedding.  
Posted by Goldlie11[/QUOTE]

Yup, this is what I think. I don't think it's really anything deeper than that, although it would be interesting to know where it originated and its original purpose

musikbx

I am a dork, so I wanted to know why it was historically present.

I guess Pope Innocent III (1160 or 1161-1216) declared a mandatory waiting period between the betrothal and the wedding. This was to make sure there were no problems that would prohibit the couple from marrying (insanity, illness, already married, things of the sort.) Interestingly enough, the woman would wear a ring to show that she was betrothed during this period.

(Granted, this information came from a 5 minute google session. Take it with a grain of salt.)

Ember01

Interesting history!

I guess they didn't have bridezillas back in the 1100's. Or else no one would get married due to insanity

[Deleted User]

Silly Popes and their funny ideas! The engagement was a nice invention though, I think it is a fun tradition today!  I'm happily waiting for mine

heyimbren

Musik, I heard something along those lines too. I heard that there was an engagement period to allow people time to speak out against the marriage if there was any reason the couple shouldn't be married (close familial relations, already married, etc.)

Ember, I don't think I quite agree with either of you (besides the planning a wedding part) but maybe that's just the wording. I can kind of see both sides to it, but I think you do some preparing to become a spouse before the engagement even- but it definitely becomes more specific for some people after the engagement. And while I think you should know before you're engaged about your decision, at the same time that's a better time to break up than after you're married.

Simply put, I think an engagement is a time to start really buckling down for a marriage- in whatever aspect that may be.

Just out of curiousity, how do you feel about your FI's response?

ETA: I also think the engagement is now a bit of a public announcement to others of your intentions to be married.

Ember01

At first I was slightly worried about his response. I was like, wait, you're not 100% sure you want to marry me (cue the tears)?! Why are we putting deposits down, and why did I buy a dress, and so forth. When he explained his friends past experience I began to understand more of what he is saying. He does 100% want to marry me, and we've discussed a lot of lives issues already (having kids, finances, jobs, religion, values...). Actually the church told us we could do a shorter premarital counseling session because we're older and been together a long time (we passed it up and opted for the longer meeting). So, I think we both have sort of the same thoughts, but we worded it differently. I mean obviously nothing is a done deal, and engagements do get broken, but, we are going to use this time to continue delving deeper into what we want out of life and each other. And we've promised that if we have concerns or worries, we will talk through them rather than ignore them.

[Deleted User]

Bren, you brought up a great point.  I know a few people who were engaged and broke it off because during that time they realized they weren't going to work.  I also know some people who were quickly engaged from a short dating period and married before anyone knew what hit them.  A year down the road, they are complaining to their friends about each other and have a baby.  If they had a longer engagement, maybe they would have reconsidered things.

I think that in some couples, an engagement puts added stress on their relationship and they realize they aren't quite right for each other.

NOLAbridealmost

True story...legally, the engagement ring belongs to the man until you get married because getting engaged is a promise to get married, not a promise to be engaged.This post does not constitute legal advice.
Not entirely.  It depends on your state. The majority of states consider a ring as a conditional gift that does not truly belong to the woman until the marriage. So if the wedding gets called off the guy gets the ring back.But a minority of states have a messy fault-based inquiry and they determine whose "fault" it was that the wedding didn't occur.  Whoever was not at fault gets the ring in those jurisdictions. 

sapphirebaby926

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_purpose-of-engagement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:e02b5ec9-a0c7-47e2-b903-30180b564d36Post:83db32eb-c7b1-46ce-8f8a-f65041f7b34b">Re: What is the purpose of an engagement?</a>:
[QUOTE]To plan a kick-ass party.
Posted by AudgiePodge[/QUOTE]

THIS

I think someone should know they want to marry someone before they propose. I see dating as the time to determine if the person you're with is the person you want to marry. Of course if something happens or comes out before the wedding then yeah that can change your mind about marrying someone after you're engaged. I just don't see engagement as the period of time to figure out if you really want to marry that person.

oceana919

I agree than an engagement should be a time in which you prefer yourselves for marriage, but I don't think these are mutually exclusive. My FI and I knew we wanted to get married and started working in that direction a good year before he proposed - for us, the engagement was more a continuation of that prep, along with being a designated period to plan a kick-ass shindig.

joiner521

You do not get engaged if you are not sure. You remain boyfriend and girlfriend in that case. This Young lady needs to make sure her fiance priorities are in order.

Ember01

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_purpose-of-engagement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:e02b5ec9-a0c7-47e2-b903-30180b564d36Post:88e5d4fd-dac1-4b9a-8586-c281f380c870">Re: What is the purpose of an engagement?</a>:
[QUOTE]You do not get engaged if you are not sure. You remain boyfriend and girlfriend in that case. This Young lady needs to make sure her fiance priorities are in order.
Posted by joiner521[/QUOTE]

His priorities are in order. We've talked it over and we both understand where the other is coming from. He is 100% sure he wants to marry me, we just recognize that at this point a lot of couples redecide and find out that values don't mesh. And we are willing to be open about differing opinions and talk through anything that we don't agree on.