Not Engaged Yet

Time to rant about my mother!


I have been going back and forth with my mother lately about the dumbest thing ever! I am about to finish my undergrad in December. I have known for a long time that they would not pay my final semester. I just finished paying off $8,000 of credit card debt just a few weeks ago, so I have no saving currently. I received about $3,000 in my tax return and my mother wants me to use it for my tuition. The problem with that is that BF and I are planning on using that combined with his savings as a down payment on a house.

My mother has told me the only money she will give me towards this final semester is from the money she has saved for my wedding. She has $25,000 saved for me. I want to use $4,000 of that money for tuition. I have discussed it with BF and we know we would like to get married next fall. That gives us more than a year from now to save any additional money for a wedding. We are okay with this, we would like to spend less than $20,000 on a wedding.

But, my mother is convinced that I will want something extra for my wedding and that I will be mad at her for not paying for it in the future. I am not worried about this. BF and I are responsible adults living on our own dime. I appreciate all she has done with paying for school for me and saving for my future wedding.

That being said, I would like for her to stick to her word an use the wedding money for my tuition and let me and BF decide what we will spend on our wedding and if we need more than we have we will choose a date further away.

For now I have agreed to pay for my tuition for my one summer class. But, I need to figure out what to do for fall. Any suggestions/ advice would be very helpful! Thanks in advance!
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Re: Time to rant about my mother!

  • edited December 2011
    I think all of that sounds really reasonable, you sound like you have thought through everything and it seems totally doable... now just to get her on board!

    So after you graduate I assume you will be getting a job... and if you do that you will be able to save more money, I feel like you guys shouldn't have a problem making back that 4,000 that you put towards school. Have you discussed this part with her at all?
  • edited December 2011
    I have a good job. I am the office manager at the company she is CFO of. So, even if I do not find a job in Events/ Advertising/ PR right away, I will still have this job. She knows how much I make because she inputs the checks into the system for me to print! She is just being unreasonable. I feel like the biggest problem is that she saved this money for the first time I was engaged. My EX-FI was crazy and so was his family, they wanted every single expensive and flashy  thing you could imagine, and my parents' original budget of $15,000 was upped to $25,000. My current BF and I are not that extravagant, we are more concerned with having a beautiful day with the closest people who love us to celebrate our love and commitment. We even forwent a diamond in my engagement ring for a beautiful (and half the price) gem stone. ( I haven't received the ring or proposal yet)

    My mother is just crazy.
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  • edited December 2011
    lol, I so understand crazy mothers... If she has already agreed that she will give you this money for tuition I say just take it, she'll eventually realize that what you're doing is for the best... especially once you guys start actual wedding planning and she sees that you aren't buying everything under the sun and you were never the one who wanted that kind of wedding! I think she is just looking out for you and wants to make sure that you get everything that you want, she just doesn't recognize yet that she is going about it all wrong... Have you discussed what sort of a wedding you want with your current BF with your mom? Maybe by laying out what you want she'll be able to see that you don't need all of the money.

    She definitely sounds unreasonable to me if she knows what you make tho, she should be able to see that you're being responsible. And I think that maybe if you give her time she will. I hope, lol... feel free to tell me it's just wishful thinking on account of trying to be positive tho : )
  • desertsundesertsun member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I kind of feel like it's her money so if she wants to keep it all in a wedding fund, that's her choice.

    I don't think you get to dictate how or what gifts people give you.

    But I also think that if she gave you the money as one lump sum, you could then choose how to spend it.

    I guess what I'm saying is, until she gives you the money, it's hers. But after she gives it to you, it's yours. Either way, neither of you gets to tell the other how to spend it.

    That said, I think if you told her that going in to debt now to pay your tuition would only mean paying more in interest on that debt long term, so paying cash would actually save money in the long term, since you could put your earnings toward the wedding fund instead of paying of tuition debt. Maybe putting it that way would help her see that using the money in the smartest way is ultimately best for everyone.

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  • edited December 2011
    Liv, yes my other option is to take out a loan for the fall. I would really rather not though because I really do not want to go into debt again. And as you mentioned, spending my entire savings is not going to help me stay out of debt.

    Desertsun, I agree its her money to give how she wants, but she did already tell me that I could have it for school. Its just that now she is taking back the offer because she is afraid I will want more money for the wedding.

     I am not even engaged yet. lol I've told her that I will have time to save extra money for a wedding not extra time to save for school starting in 3 weeks.

    I did agree to pay for the one summer class, its just now I have to somehow negotiate money for the fall.

    Thanks everyone for the advice. I just need to explain in detail what BF and I want for our wedding and that it is more important to avoid debt now and save for the future.
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  • edited December 2011
    Agreed CCO, good luck with getting all of that figured out, you'll have to let us know how things go : )
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