Future Mother In Law's Ring

Kristen G

Hey all,

My boyfriend (aka the world's worst secret keeper) is *this close* to proposing. The other night he mentioned the possibility of him giving me his mother's engagement ring when he proposes. He did say he would have no problem getting me my own ring if that's what I wanted, but it would mean a lot to his family if I were to accept his mother's.

Of course, I am touched his mother would even offer me her ring. BUT there is a very small part of me that might kind of maybe still want my own ring, mostly on the basis that I'd just rather think of my boyfriend when I look at my ring rather than his mother. Also, I kind of stammerred my agreement to his suggestion (not that I had much of a choice after the speech he gave!) without even finding out what her ring looks like!

I do care more about what the ring stands for than the ring itself, and my boyfriend's parents have been head-over-heels in love for their entire 30+ marraige, so I do appreciate that. Should I just squelch the tiny girly part of me that has a little reservation about this? I need some advice!

babybchbum

You have every right to want your "Own" ring, but if you think about it the fact that his parents have been married for 30 years and headover heels in love as well as the fact that you will now hold a family heirloom will mean so much more in the long run.

It would have a wonderful story behind it even if it isn't your "own" ring.

You could also mention that while you love your FMIL's ring that you feel that she should be able to keep it until it is time to pass it on to her grandchildren (when she is no longer around... yes its sad to say)

Goldlie11

Can you reset the center stone?  That way you can have her ring, but not really.  If the stone is small, you can get 2 other stones and make a 3 stone ring. 

notquiteblushing

The diamond in my engagement ring was once in his mother's ring and once in a piece of jewelery owned by his grandmother.  It was special to his family and I cherish it even more because of it.  I think if you want something "different" you should see about getting a new setting.

honeybee724

For me, it all depends on how his parents' relationship was, and how this idea sprouted.
1) If his parents had an unhappy marriage/are divorced (which you say they aren't), I think its okay to decline
2) If anyone other than his mom offered the ring, I think its okay to decline
Other than these, I think you probably should say yes.  And like others have suggested, investigate getting a different setting.
For example, FI's dad told us we should use FI's mom's ring.  And that FI should ask her for it.  Because its hers- and definitely not his dad's to ask for.  We declined. We also declined because his parents are divorced (and weren't real happy while married). If his mom had offered us a ring from a happy marriage- or one from his grandparent's I would have felt we needed to accept. 

Norway_T

You can use the money you save on the ring on to add to a deposit on a house, or upgrade your honeymoon.  Diamonds are so EXPENSIVE... if you already have one you can get for free, I would at least let him propose with it, and let you think about it for a few weeks afters its been on your hand. Give it a chance. I imagine you will end up loving it!

KD+BC

I disagree Norway. I don't think they should test drive the ring. If you accept, I don't think it would be a good idea to then change your mind. I think that would offend his mother where politely declining from the beginning shouldn't.

If you don't mind using FMIL's ring, go for it! If you want a different setting, great! If you want your own ring, also understandable. Do what's best for you!

Goldlie11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_future-mother-laws-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:ea741b68-ec2b-4092-ac05-3808171ae324Post:1cff0e57-e86f-4a4b-b99e-1a713e4b0343">Re: Future Mother In Law's Ring</a>:
[QUOTE]I disagree Norway. I don't think they should test drive the ring. If you accept, I don't think it would be a good idea to then change your mind. I think that would offend his mother where politely declining from the beginning shouldn't. If you don't mind using FMIL's ring, go for it! If you want a different setting, great! If you want your own ring, also understandable. Do what's best for you!
Posted by KD+BC[/QUOTE]
The test drive would have to be quite long (at least a couple of years).  Then you could eventually upgrade and use the original ring as either a right hand ring or into another piece of jewelry.  

desertsun

I think it's totally okay to want your own ring. Just talk to him about some of the other options people have mentioned, such as re-setting the stone or maybe even wearing the ring on your right hand. Come to a decision you both feel good about. I do also think you should talk to his mom about it yourself and make sure she knows how honored you are. Whether you accept or not, talking to her one on one lets her know that you appreciate the gesture.

simplemachine

My boyfriend would also give me his mother's ring if he were to propose, although that is because his mother passed away a few years ago, so there's really no way it would make me think of her more than him.  Is it because you've seen it a lot on her finger already, or what? 

Then again I think I am the odd one out because if my betrothed insisted on a new ring regardless of how attractive the heirloom one was, I would consider that disgusting.

Re-setting is a practical thing to think about, but since your FMIL is giving it up while still alive, you may have to tread carefully with that to avoid offending her.

Kristen G

I actually have no clue what her ring looks like, and I don't want to know because I don't want it to become about a piece of jewelry - it's all about what it stands for.

My boyfriend & I talked about it last night, and I told him that my main reservations about taking it mother's ring were that a)she still wears it everyday & although she sincerely offered a small part of me would still feel bad taking it, and b)because it is such I big deal, I'd always think of it more as a gift from her than from him.

I do agree with everyone here that it would be wonderful to have a family heirloom, and his mother & I are very close so I would absolutely cherish the ring. (It will have to be reset as my ring size is waaay smaller than FMIL's.) I basically told him to talk to his mom again and surprise me, because either way I'll be out of my mind happy when we get engaged. Thanks everyone!!