Need some advice

kelleyo86

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years now (tomorrow is our anniversary!), we've lived together for almost one, and we talk about getting married all the time.. We've talked about every detail, he even openly comes up with color suggestions or a comment about the guest list, but he wont propose! I'm his first SERIOUS relationship so I know he doesnt have experience with this sort of thing, but he's also too stubborn to ask for help. He's a bit traditional in the fact that he insists on buying the ring on his own, and then surprising me with the whole get down on one knee bit, but im getting anxious (as i know most brides do at some point). We are taking a trip to NYC in Oct to visit some friends (neither of us have ever been!) and I think it would be the most amazingly romantic thing ever if he proposed up there! How can I drop hints and make sure he gets the idea without being too pushy and scaring him away from the concept?!?

GreenPepperBurger

Chill. Out.

How old are you and your BF?

peekaboo2011

Slow your roll.

What's the rush?  And stop pre-planning.  Please?

lam2014

I think that you should just let him do his thing, personally I want my BF to come up with everything on his own regarding the proposal and I feel that it is his time to shine.I have decided to scrap any idea of my "perfect proposal" including hinting him in any sort of way and letting him do what he feels would be perfect for me. Who knows, maybe he has already thought about proposing when you guys go, but if you start hinting to him, you will never know if it was his idea or yours..I woud just let it be. That's just my opinion though and I know how you feel regarding the anticipation, it's killer! 

oceana919

1) Slow your roll.

2) Do NOT drop hints. Let him plan his proposal in the way and at the pace he feels is right.

3) Stop pre-planning your wedding. You are going to be able to do it sooner than you know, and trust me, the allure wears off rather quickly. If you need more reasons why you shouldn't be figuring out guest lists or linen colors right now, please check out the "Read Me First" stickie.

If you are two mature, rational, adults of sound mind, you should be able to sit down and have an adult, rational conversation about where you would like to see your lives - both as individuals and as a couple - going, and over what basic timeline you see various milestones or accomplishments happening.

Take a deep breath and enjoy this time in your lives, because you are never going to get it again. Once he proposes, you'll never be boyfriend and girlfriend again, and (silly as it may sound) you will miss that. Especially when you are hip deep in linen choices and appetizer selections and your BP is fighting over which shade of ecru your shoes should be.

Swazzle

All of what Yaga said, every word.

SopChick

As the wise ladies before me have said: Don't hint, stop planning (even if he openly discusses it). Also, don't focus on it happening on your trip. NYC is an awesome place to go, and if you spend it wondering if he's going to propose, then 1) you'll miss out on a lot of fun things, and 2) you'll be really bummed that he didn't propose and it'll ruin your trip. As for it being 3 years and living together for 1: you want to spend the rest of your lives together. These lives don't start once you get engaged/married. Your lives are right now. Enjoy your relationship as it is now. He knows you want to marry him, now let him be to do it on his own. I'm sure he has his reasons for his timeline, and if you can have an adult (read: calm) conversation about timelines, then fine. As PPs have said, it wouldn't be very nice to feel like he only did it because you were pestering him, so dropping hints IMO isn't your best option.

thelamarrs

What all the PP have said  

Yaga said it best!

Don't pre-plan. If you want him to stop, tell him to. Let him know you don't want to do any wedding tak until you've got the ring and are engaged. That will make him stop and then you hopefully won't have wedding on the brain!

Also, if you try and drop hints about him asking you in NYC and he doesn't propose how will you feel? I bet your whole vacation will be ruined because that wou;d be the ONLY thing you were thinking about!

Just enjoy your relationship as it is now and enjoy your vacation.

As a side note many of the ladies on this board have been with their BFs for a long time as well AND they have bought the ring. They just haven't decided when they are ready to propose. He could buy the ring and wait two more years. You never know. Let him do everything his way and just sit back and RELAX. 

TheMutleys

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-advice-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:edb660de-ee8a-47e2-b06a-7779c33e2492Post:79796ff5-0d72-428d-9bb3-c33271fd000d">Need some advice</a>:
[QUOTE]My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years now (tomorrow is our anniversary!), we've lived together for almost one, and we talk about getting married all the time.. We've talked about every detail, he even openly comes up with color suggestions or a comment about the guest list, but he wont propose! I'm his first SERIOUS relationship so I know he doesnt have experience with this sort of thing, but he's also too stubborn to ask for help. He's a bit traditional in the fact that he insists on buying the ring on his own, and then surprising me with the whole get down on one knee bit, but im getting anxious (as i know most brides do at some point). We are taking a trip to NYC in Oct to visit some friends (neither of us have ever been!) and I think it would be the most amazingly romantic thing ever if he proposed up there! <strong>How can I drop hints and make sure he gets the idea without being too pushy and scaring him away from the concept?!?</strong>
Posted by kelleyo86[/QUOTE]

You cannot 'drop hints' without being pushy, particularly if he has already said that he wants to surprise you.

If you want a proposal in NYC that is exactly what you want, maybe you should plan on proposing to him. 

laurelarockefeller

Kelly:  I've been struggling with this area too, particularly since we were PROMISED so early in our relationship.  I've known my gentleman for only 5 monthes, including our friendship phase (we started dating in May) and going through exactly what you have been.  My feelings have been "well, if we are promised, why doesn't he just propose?".  So a little different than you but similar thought.  Some of my internal pressure comes from my impending 40th birthday this December.  I would prefer to be formally engaged before that big milestone (and to think, as a teen, I expected to be married by age 22!).  I am worried about a ticking biological clock.  I would like to try to have a child before it is too late for that!  My gentleman is 6 1/2 years younger, so I do not think he feels that time press to the degree I do.

Like you, Kelly, I've been doing way too much pre-planning and I have pushed, resulting in a fight that nearly ended our romantic relationship (fortunately we are best friends first!).

So my lesson:  pushing is not worth destroying the romantic relationship.  It really is not.  Neither you nor I want to loose our men because we are impatient.

So the advice given to both of us through the replies here really is sound:  both of us need to just let them do things when they feel ready to and let the future attend to itself.

Don't try to get proposed to in a given situation.  I think a formal proposal on ice would be great (I don't skate, but want to learn).  But I have to cast that out of my head.  Telling him one time and only once I had a fantasy about a proposal on skates is one thing.  Telling him a SECOND time seems to cross the line.

As someone who just moved FROM New York City, I have a better idea:  avoid the tourist parts of the city and enjoy more of the areas favored by the natives.  AVOID Times Square at all costs!  Email me and I will tell you all about it.  Mark and I went there for our first in person date mostly because one of my favorite restaurants happens to be at 42nd & 9th Ave (Ollies Noodle House--it's very authentic Chinese food).  Their main location is in Lincoln Center on Broadway (I believe), but given Mark spent 8 hours on an Amtrak train to get to Manhattan, we mostly went to a Times Square restaurant because it was only 1 subway stop from Penn Station!  Otherwise, I would have avoided it.  He started questioning my blindness by just the way I, a long time resident, navigated the 40,000 people that are between Times Square station and that restaurant.  All of 4 blocks (2 avenues)!

Better places are:  Brooklyn's Prospect Park, Brooklyn Botantic Garden (across the street from the Park at Empire & Ocean Aves), Leffert's House (same area, Prospect Park), El Greco Diner on Emmons Ave in Sheaphead's Bay Brooklyn, Central Park Zoo, The Cloister's Museum in Fort Tryon Park (tip of Manhattan...190th I believe), Central Park (it's big enough to enjoy many kinds of dates), and Fraunces Tavern Museum on Pearl Street...ask me for more if you want more ideas. The Staten Island Ferry is a free way to see the Statue of Liberty.

 Mark and I were promised on a carriage ride in Central Park.  Take the train to COLUMBUS AVE and walk Central Park South about half a block east if you want to take the horse carriages.  Since NYC may soon outlaw them, I have to highly suggest taking the carriage!  One of the most intensely romantic experiences in my life!

FYI, live theatre in New York City is EXTREMELY EXPENSIVE.  I love the theatre, it's one of my things, but I have never seen a show in NYC.  It's from $50-$200 PER TICKET depending on how good your seats are.  The more popular the show, the more expensive.  So I suggest skipping the traditional broadway show idea that many tourists prefer. The history channel trolley is one of the better tours (and less saturated with pick pockets than most of the tourist options) if you want to go that route.

I hope you don't mind the NYC advice for your trip.  I lived there for years and still am madly in love with my city.  Only find a true gem of a man could make me leave my beloved city!

Good luck...and do enjoy your visit to NYC!

thejucheidea

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-advice-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:edb660de-ee8a-47e2-b06a-7779c33e2492Post:a5252a86-9c7e-431e-bd61-349b55f7cb96">Re: Need some advice</a>:
[QUOTE]As a side note many of the ladies on this board have been with their BFs for a long time as well AND they have bought the ring. They just haven't decided when they are ready to propose. He could buy the ring and wait two more years.
Posted by thelamarrs[/QUOTE]

This. We've had the ring since May and I have no idea when he's going to give it back to me (<em>back</em> to me because it's my Grandma's wedding ring :|).