Is it rude?

calindi

I've learned so much about etiquette from these boards, but there's always something left to think about.

This weekend, my Mom was mentioning that it'll be nice for me to be able to upgrade our kitchen to a cohesive dinner set after we get married from our wedding registry, rather than the hodgepodge collection of chipped plates & glasses from college.  Yay!  And she mentioned that Crate & Barrel also has nice affordable furniture, but I feel weird asking for a bed frame and armoir, you know?  I know you're supposed to do all the price points, and I do think several of my guests will give more than the furniture costs (based on gifts I've gotten from them for other big events in my life).  It still feels weird to ask for a bedroom set... but I would love to be able to take advantage of the completion discount to buy it ourselves afterwards!

What are your thoughts?  Is it rude to register for something as expensive as pieces of a bedroom set?  What about people who register for a flat screen TV or something like that?

tuarceatha

I'm interested to hear what other people say about this...

My immediate thought is that EVERY time I mention what so-and-so registered for for their wedding, someone thinks its inappropriate. i.e. honeymoon registries, or fraction of an acre of land, or crate and barrel stuff...

I think a bed set is as appropriate as a $400 mixer for the kitchen?

I kinda thought it was weird when so and so registered for a beer brewer thingie and other person added a picnic basket with accessories... So I didn't purchase those things for those people. Registries are just suggestions, right? I'd rather the guests who want to know what I need for 'our' home, know exactly what to get me... We shall see how that feeling plays out when I am in your shoes... (Did I kill something cute?)

Hazel_B

To be honest, I have no idea if that is considered rude or not. You aren't forcing people to buy it for you and they can always give you a gift certificate to Crate & Barrel and say towards this item of furniture.

I know people who have done this before, but I've never heard whether or not it is considered rude.

I think it also depends on your living situation. If people know that you are still using college furniture they likely won't think anything of it. However, if you already have really nice furniture and are upgrading to very expensive furniture it might bother people.

Wrkn925

I think furniture is appropriate.

I think electronics are inappropriate.

Don't ask me to justify, I'm not really sure why.

Hazel_B

For me it is whether or not the item is a complete splurge or not. If someone has a 40" television on their registry I likely wouldn't think anything of it, but if they had a projector on there I'd think they were asking too much.

FI is anti registry, so I have no idea what we will do. However, I don't think I could ask for something that I would have a hard time buying/justifying for myself if I had the money.

tmacwin

That's a tough call.  I've never seen a registry with furniture on it.  However, if the point of a registry is to set up a home, and you do not have an adequate bedroom set, I guess it fits the guidelines.

My cousin was married last fall.  While he and his bride did not register for a lot of items, I found it odd that they did register for both a WII and a Playstation.  I find registering for either of those odd enough, but when they asked for both items?  A little greedy to me.

peekaboo2011

I agree with Wrkn on this one.  Registry = stuff for your married life.  Electronics don't fit that very well in my opinion.

Furniture, kitchen gadgets, knock yourself out.  If someone I knew registered for it and I could afford to buy it, I'd totally buy a bedroom set.  That way, when you're getting busy at night, you have to think of me.  :-)

calindi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:ee47d4fb-c27d-4d67-9785-e470bf3f0563Post:98513459-2055-4411-a83d-dbd757913ab4">Re: Is it rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]For me it is whether or not the item is a complete splurge or not. If someone has a 40" television on their registry I likely wouldn't think anything of it, but if they had a projector on there I'd think they were asking too much. FI is anti registry, so I have no idea what we will do. However, I don't think I could ask for something that I would have a hard time buying/justifying for myself if I had the money.
Posted by Hazel_B[/QUOTE]

That's how I view it, too!  One of my friends had a $400 vase on her registry - she'd never buy that for herself!  I want to have a home with things that I like and value, but if I wouldn't pay $20 per wine glass, then why would I expect my guests to do that?

For us, we'll be focusing on items that travel well as we'll be moving up to Virginia only a few weeks after our wedding.  There's no sense in registering for expensive wine glasses that might get broken during the move!  Sturdy is a key word for us with what will be a very transitory lifestyle.  We're leaving most of our furniture in Florida, so new furniture will be needed in the next house. 

tmacwin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:ee47d4fb-c27d-4d67-9785-e470bf3f0563Post:96e9a01f-7bb2-4698-b2e4-f7247a751bc5">Re: Is it rude?</a>:
[QUOTE] That way, when you're getting busy at night, you have to think of me.  :-)
Posted by peekaboo2011[/QUOTE]

hehehehe

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:ee47d4fb-c27d-4d67-9785-e470bf3f0563Post:be81dee0-67b3-49eb-9127-e350dc052b65">Re: Is it rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is it rude? : <strong>That's how I view it, too!  One of my friends had a $400 vase on her registry - she'd never buy that for herself!  I want to have a home with things that I like and value, but if I wouldn't pay $20 per wine glass, then why would I expect my guests to do that?</strong> For us, we'll be focusing on items that travel well as we'll be moving up to Virginia only a few weeks after our wedding.  There's no sense in registering for expensive wine glasses that might get broken during the move!  Sturdy is a key word for us with what will be a very transitory lifestyle.  We're leaving most of our furniture in Florida, so new furniture will be needed in the next house. 
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

That's basically how I feel about registries.

I don't think it's rude to put some more expensive, less common registry items on there (like furniture), if you think you might use the completion discount afterwards to buy what you don't get. And if you have a good mix of various price points on there (which I'm sure you do, Cate).

I will admit, I do side eye people that put a whole bunch of expensive things on there that they wouldn't buy themselves but they are because it'll be gifts to them. Like, a $60 butter dish? Really? I side eye that, although I don't find it "rude". So I think you're fine, IMO.

Hazel_B

Cate - yeah, I know what you mean. My parents' friend's son had a $100 paring knife on their registry. They were huge foodies so they would have bought it for themselves, but still. My mom was concerned she'd look cheap only buying a paring knife for them as a shower gift.

lmwilber

I don't see a huge problem with couple registering for furniture or a flat screen. The whole idea behind a lot of 'traditional' wedding gifts is to help the B&G set up their household. Now that more and more couples are living together before marriage, (and women living on their own before that), I think that the registry can be a bit more eclectic. 

I think that there are some who might think it odd, but hey times have changed. So long as you don't come straight out and ask cash, I think its ok. 

calindi

Well, it'll be awhile before we actually register - probably after he gets back in August.  But it just was something that came up in coversation, and I didn't know what you'd all think!  That 10% completion discount would be VERY NICE!

Hazel, I'm having the same problem for my friends - I can spend $100 by mixing-and-matching a whole bunch of $5 items on their registry, or buy them two rather odd thing (like a teapot and a roaster).  I think I'm just going to give them a check... if they really want those things, they can buy them!

marleylikeair

Personally, I see the Kitchenaid mixer as the top-out item. I wouldn't register for anything more expensive than that, and I wouldn't put many items in that price range on a registry. Yes, I have a handful of family members who would probably splurge on some higher-price-point stuff, but on the whole, I'd be afraid of offending the rest of my guests. I realize this is completely subjective, but my personal opinion is that large furniture and major electronics are off-limits.

Unless...what about making sure the word is spread that you would love gift certificates toward the C&B items on your registry? I think that method might neutralize any risk of offending anyone or seeming gift-grabby.

Any chance of adding the items at the last second to score that completion discount? Like, a couple days before the wedding, when people have pretty much finished their shopping?

If you feel funny about it, I'd say don't do it. But it really depends on your guests and what's the norm in your family. Maybe ask your mom and a trusted adult in your SO's family, and get their opinions, then go from there?

NurseyK

I think you can register for whatever you want, even gift cards. If people don't like it, they will do something else, and hopefully give you the gift receipt.

We've talked about how much we hate our couch and coffee table getup.  We've also talked about how we want to extend the porch in the backyard. Since we have almost everything we need in terms of kitchen stuff, we are thinking we would have a gift card tree and request them to be to home depot and la-z-boy. It's practical, we're practical, and we're not expecting anyone to spend a lot on anything. But, the way we see it as every little bit counts when you're making huge purchases.  Do you think this is tacky?

heyimbren

Nursey, I don't know who you were asking if that's tacky but I don't like the idea of asking for gift cards.

And Cate, if you do have worries about this then I think Marley made some excellent suggestions.

calindi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:ee47d4fb-c27d-4d67-9785-e470bf3f0563Post:6998a790-7086-4d6b-9a95-08ae0710f17a">Re: Is it rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]Nursey, I don't know who you were asking if that's tacky but I don't like the idea of asking for gift cards. And Cate, if you do have worries about this then I think Marley made some excellent suggestions.
Posted by heyimbren[/QUOTE]

Eh, more curious than worried!  We often hear about honeymoon registries and the dos-and-do-nots of registering, but I didn't know what everyone would think about this one.  The thought never occured to me before!

I like the idea of adding the furniture we want at the last minute for the completion discount.  But we might just add it up front - I've known my family to all chip in on a big gift before (like a rider lawn mower for my grandpa) so while one person may or may not get it, people might see it as a way to give something big rather than a bunch of spatulas and spoons.  We'll see what my guy thinks when we go to register.

cu97tiger

Oh, that is something I'm adding to my list to be excited about once we're engaged... getting rid of our dinnerware set! BF bought it right before I moved in, so I had no say in the matter. They are beautiful, asian-inspired plates (think curved up corners, painted black and turquoise), but they chip easily and aren't always practical for say, a burger and vegetables.

Anyway, to answer your question, Cate, I don't think anything on your registry would be considered rude or offensive. They are suggestions of things you and your FI want/need. If they don't want to buy them, there are an infinite number of options out there!

SassyFlats

I think registering for furniture (and some electronics) is fine. Especially since you'll be moving and it sounds like you're going to need some new stuff. The registry is about your friends and family helping you start a home together.

I don't know if I would register for a bed frame... just gives me the heebie-jeebies a bit. But a sofa, dining table, etc might be great if you think some of your people would go for it.

And I'm even cool with a TV, maybe stereo, etc. Especially if you're big on entertaining. But probably not an XBox.

AudgiePodge

I don't think furniture is weird for a registry. I, personally, wouldn't expect anyone to fulfill it though. If you happen to do a "favorite item registered for" for your month board siggy challenge, the love of bunnies, please don't post a pic of an iPad. I majorly side-eyed that when that happened on my month board.

oceana919

I don't think it's tacky/rude to register for furniture, especially if it's something practical (like a bedroom set). I wouldn't necessarily side-eye certain electronics (like a DVD player or a Wii), but I also wouldn't expect them to get fulfilled. I would give a serious side-eye to someone who registered for an entire entertainment system though (yes, I've seen it happen). 

I think people should register in a wide range of price points (to accomodate any guest's personal preferences and financial capabilities); you should register for mostly what you need, but you should also put a couple of those "wouldn't this be fun?" items as well. We made a point to register for a pretty wide range of price points, and we did include a few pricier items (a Dyson, a Kitchenaid mixer). With the exception of about 3-4 items, everything we registered for came in under $100. We registered for stuff we really needed (new pots/pans, knives, flatware), and we registered for some things we didn't necessarily need, but thought would be fun to have (icing gun for my cupcakes, a Soda Stream). We've actually gotten a few of the "fun" items, and now I'm glad we registered for them.

ps. I LOVE Crate & Barrel. I'm looking forward to our completion discount, trust me.

calindi

I think our fun item will be a wine fridge - we would LOVE to have one and it would be super useful, but it's not necessarily something we'd prioritize to buy for ourselves!  And a Le Creuset grill pan and dutch oven - *droooooool*

I have to go in Crate & Barrel this week to buy my friend's wedding present (not paying shipping, forget that!) and I'm seriously afraid I'm going to just stand over the Le Creuset section and just oogle them for hours.  We want a blue & white kitchen with splashes of red, and I'd love their stuff in that pretty blue!!!

SassyFlats

We got so much that wasn't on our registry at all. Like... a crock pot. We're terrible cooks. We don't even know how to use that. DH is such a picky eater, that most of what people normally cook in a crock pot, he won't eat (stews, chili, etc). I tried curry the other day, it didn't work. Also, I'm terrified to leave a crock pot on when I'm not home. And I'm rarely home.

I don't know how to feel about that thing. And sure, you could say "just take it back!" but the one thing we DID take back was a gift from my mom's best friend- and mom asked about it the first time she visited us after the wedding. I told a little white lie.

Now, if only DH would agree to get some shelves or cabinets or SOMETHING so I have somewhere to put all this kitchen stuff that doesn't fit in our tiny closet of a kitchen.

Moral of the story: registries are fun... but some families don't seem to "get" them. Like... mine and DH's. Register for things you want and need... and expect to get at least one crazy off the wall item you completely don't need or want. Like, weird chili pepper-shaped food containers that aren't even airtight. Any ideas what I could use those for?

desertsun

We registered for furniture b/c both our moms thought it was a good idea b/c if people knew we were needing a bedroom set, they'd be more likely to give gift cards or money toward that big purchase. Plus the completion discount. It didn't work out so well for us. We're still in need of a bedroom set.

But no, I do not think it's rude to register for furniture. You need a bed. You do not need a Wii. 

NurseyK

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:ee47d4fb-c27d-4d67-9785-e470bf3f0563Post:0c99893f-09cb-4434-bec5-f99cd059c1cf">Re: Is it rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]Register for things you want and need... and expect to get at least one crazy off the wall item you completely don't need or want. Like, weird <strong>chili pepper-shaped food containers</strong> that aren't even airtight. Any ideas what I could use those for?
Posted by SassyFlats[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Make a yummy dip for a BBQ this summer and OoooPsIe leave it at the party. I call it "rehoming." :)</div>

desertsun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:ee47d4fb-c27d-4d67-9785-e470bf3f0563Post:98f3acfc-064b-4543-b66a-e95250b4846a">Re: Is it rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is it rude? : Make a yummy dip for a BBQ this summer and OoooPsIe leave it at the party. I call it "rehoming." :)
Posted by NurseyK[/QUOTE]

<div>LOL! Brilliant!</div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

Smyle11

Okay, I've been lurking on this board since before I was engaged (so for quite a while now, since I got married this past weekend after being engaged for a little over a year and a half). But I wanted to tell you that I'm like 95% sure that Crate & Barrel lets you add things on to your registry AFTER the wedding and still apply the completion discount to it, as long as it's within the completion discount window. Just an FYI.

SassyFlats

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:ee47d4fb-c27d-4d67-9785-e470bf3f0563Post:98f3acfc-064b-4543-b66a-e95250b4846a">Re: Is it rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is it rude? : Make a yummy dip for a BBQ this summer and OoooPsIe leave it at the party. I call it "rehoming." :)
Posted by NurseyK[/QUOTE]


AMAZING. I may do something like that. Don't tell! <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-surprised.gif" border="0" alt="Surprised" title="Surprised" />

MissOwl

i read somewhere (d@mn, wish i could remember the source) that you should have things ranging from $2 to $1000. $1000 seems a little high to me but I don't think furniture is a no-no. i've bought furniture (usually lamps or endtables) before for a wedding. good luck!

NurseyK

Rehoming is also great for crappy Christmas presents (GASP, yes I did admit to that), hand me downs, and junk I don't need. 

Guilty as charged. 

oceana919

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:ee47d4fb-c27d-4d67-9785-e470bf3f0563Post:0c99893f-09cb-4434-bec5-f99cd059c1cf">Re: Is it rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]We got so much that wasn't on our registry at all. Like... a crock pot. We're terrible cooks. We don't even know how to use that. DH is such a picky eater, that most of what people normally cook in a crock pot, he won't eat (stews, chili, etc). I tried curry the other day, it didn't work. Also, I'm terrified to leave a crock pot on when I'm not home. And I'm rarely home. Posted by SassyFlats[/QUOTE]

Is it a crockpot or a slowcooker (is there even a difference?)? If it's a slowcooker, you should be able to leave it on when you're not home if it's on a low setting. We made slowcooker chicken and noodles last night, and left it cooking while we ran some errands - no problems whatsoever. We just made sure we timed it that it would be done 45-60 minutes after we'd be home so it wouldn't cook over.