F/U: BF situation

marleylikeair

Hey everyone! I just wanted to update you all on the situation with the BF. You might remember I posted a couple weeks ago about some fights we'd been having. I did have a fun long Memorial Day weekend in St. Louis with my grandparents. It was hard being away when things weren't so great at home, but I think a few days apart really helped us both.

One of the wise ladies of NEY said it sounded from my post like we were having a blockage in our communication and some message was not getting through. She was absolutely right, even though at first, that didn't seem accurate. The day before I got home, we talked for about an hour and worked out some things that he had been frustrated with. After I'd been home a few days, we talked about a few things that were on my mind.

Things are SO. MUCH. BETTER. He's even said he feels closer to me now. I'm definitely healing from the awfulness of that last fight, though it does still kind of hurt to think about. He said he thought we'd turned a corner after that last one, and I agree. We still have a few things to work through, but the hardest part is out of the way. We're communicating so much better. We're even much more lovey-dovey than we'd been lately! Yay!

We also made a rule: no serious talks, tough subjects, or housework talk if it's late at night and/or either of us has had something alcoholic to drink. (Honestly, this one is more for him. He's not a night owl, like me, and his brain shuts down at about 9 or 10pm.) He also said something in a text not too long ago about when we tend to fight. It confirmed my theory that his nicotine cravings from quitting smoking were amplifying these stupid fights by about a bajillion percent. I can now recognize when he's irritable from a craving and wait for a better time to bring up a serious topic. Woohoo!

The ideas of me moving into the guest room or even getting my own place for awhile have been talked about, but for now we're okay. Sometimes even just talking about other options can make you feel better, I think.

Anyway, sorry this got so long. Big thanks and love to all of you wonderful women of NEY for the advice and support. I really don't know what I would have done without you all.

heyimbren

Aww yay, I'm glad to hear this Marley! Good for both of you that you were able to talk things through like this.

Swazzle

So glad to hear things are better!!  Sounds like you guys are really communicating & understanding each other better which is not always easy. Happy for ya

marleylikeair

Aww, thanks, you guys! Sun--glad to know I'm not the only one with the late-night rule.

csousa1

Yayy I'm so glad things are better! Sometimes one of those take-no-prisoners epic fights is almost necessary to really get everything out on the table, and after that it is almost like you have a clean slate to start from. This is awesome! I'm so glad that you are doing better.

Try not to dwell on the fight that hurt you (I am also struggling with this in my relationship, it's hard not to let it still bother you sometimes), but be honest about things if you need to bring them up again. If an emotion/issue comes up, sit with it for a while, and if it doesn't naturally fade away then you should bring it up to him. After all of this work, there is no point letting things build to an explosive level again. It sounds like you are doing that just fine

lmwilber

hugs! I'm happy that ou guys were able to talk some stuff out, and that things are better!!

IrishDreamer

Yay! I am glad you guys got through this. I know what it's like to feel like a viable option is moving...it blows *hugs* yay for communication and feeling better!

SenoritaCupcake

aw I had no idea sweetie. I'm glad you guys worked stuff out. We have a late night rule too, for both our sakes, and I *completely* understand about the cravings. That was one of the toughest things for BF and I to get through. It chemically affects their moods in ways that they can't control. I had to train myself to remember not to get upset when he's getting snippy and to ask if he's having a craving. Just keep repeating to yourself that you want him to live past 45. I hope things just keep getting better fopr you guys

hugs

niknik15

I'm glad things are working out better for you marley. We also have a no talks when we are tired rule. It's amazing how much differently we act when we are tired or have cravings.

cu97tiger

That's great news Marley. Especially because you guys didn't just gloss over whatever was wrong, you put in some work and tough conversations to get to the root of it and work on it. I think that's the sign of a strong and healthy relationship!

peekaboo2011

That's awesome Marley!  *hugs* 

Hazel_B

That's such great news Marley! Proud of you guys for talking about the issues too!

marleylikeair

Thanks again, you guys. I definitely will need to remind myself periodically to make sure we're getting to the root of things when an issue comes up. BF has a habit of not talking about the things that bother him, so it can be a bit tricky at times. But totally workable now that we're more aware of this, and now that I can sense better when there's something bothering him.

jaycee7389

I'm glad to hear things are better! It really must be something about this time of year that makes people fight more.

Communication is SO important in a relationship and it's great that you are improving it!

jorja86

I'm so glad things are better for you guys. I'm a firm believer that going through things like that and coming out on top are essential to a strong relationship, and it speaks to a couple's commitment to each other and makes them so much stronger in the end.

SKP82

I'm glad things are so much better and that you're working through things together!

ravenray

I am so glad that things are getting better!  Maybe I need to use some of your rules. 

calindi

I'm really proud of you!  Knowing you have an exit strategy is scary and sad, but it can give you the strength to tackle a problem because you WANT to save the relationship, not because you're afraid of walking away from it.  I think that can be a key point, because it's empowering to know it's your choice to stay or go.

When FI and I went through our rough patch, I had decided that if we broke up, I was going to pack up everything and move to Spain (I have an Irish passport, so I can live/work in the EU without a visa).  It made it all a little less scary.  And as much as I vehemently hate Miami, right now I'd rather be in Miami with FI than anywhere else!  Though I can't wait until he gets his orders and we move out of that hell-hole.

DanieKA

Glad things are going better! My brain also shuts down at 9, so those seem like good guidelines to me. Yay!

loves2shop4shoes

I'm glad things are looking up.

Go have make up sex now.

marleylikeair

Cate--thanks! You hit it right on the head, I think. The dynamics of things changed a lot once we started really talking through the options.

Shoes--done and done. And I'm looking forward to more very soon.

Elle1036

Marley, I'm so glad you guys have worked through some things and gotten to a better place.  It sounds like you both were really mature and intelligent in dealing with it, and I'm proud of you.

Yay! 

elannis

Yay! I'm happy to hear you guys are working things out!

SopChick

Marley, I'm so glad to see that you're happier, and that you guys worked through some stuff! Woohoo for communication!

Peaseblossom55

Yay i'm glad you guys are working at communicating better and that things are going well for you.  So happy to hear!

Sparrow87

I'm glad things are working out better!  And I completely agree with talking about other options, just knowing that they're there is a big relief when you're not liking someone at the moment. 

becunning2

Late to the party---but I'm also glad that things have gotten better for you and that you two have managed to communicate more effectively.