Not Engaged Yet

Confusing and Draining

My boyfriend and I bought a house and have been living together for a little over a year. Going into the living situation he knew I preferred to be engaged prior to moving in together. He says he wants to get married but he always has a reason to put off getting engaged. One being I was recently laid off. He will talk for a while about planning a wedding and then out of nowhere switch gears and tell me that we are nowhere close to getting engaged and shouldn't be talking about wedding stuff. Then, weeks later, he is back to talking about marrying me. I'm left confused, hurt and completely lost. I'm starting to think that our relationship may not be going anywhere and really need some guidance on what to do. Help please!!!
 

Re: Confusing and Draining

  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_confusing-draining?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:ef116fa9-9ccf-49bf-8d77-2218f207c468Post:a07882be-4cbe-413a-990e-d21b5a0be36a">Confusing and Draining</a>:
    [QUOTE]My boyfriend and I bought a house and have been living together for a little over a year. Going into the living situation he knew I preferred to be engaged prior to moving in together. He says he wants to get married but he always has a reason to put off getting engaged. One being I was recently laid off. He will talk for a while about planning a wedding and then out of nowhere switch gears and tell me that we are nowhere close to getting engaged and shouldn't be talking about wedding stuff. Then, weeks later, he is back to talking about marrying me. I'm left confused, hurt and completely lost. I'm starting to think that our relationship may not be going anywhere and really need some guidance on what to do. Help please!!!  
    Posted by jpallotti[/QUOTE]

    I will leave the legal house stuff to other posters who are better equipped to answer that part.

    You need to sit down and COMMUNICATE with him.  The two of you own a house together.  Talk to him.  Tell him how you feel and what you want.  Ask him how he feels and what he wants.  Where does he see the two of you in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years?  Let him know where you see yourselfs along the same timelines. 

    Also, forget talking about the wedding.  Get down to talking about marriage.  The wedding is one day.  The marriage is the important part.  Do both you have the same views about marriage and what it entails?  Do you have the same goals in life?  Kids?  Finances?  Everything else?

    You should be able to have an honest, open dialogue about marriage.  This does not mean that you hound him about it.  Or place ultimatums on when he needs to propose or when the two of you have to get maried.  It means that you have an adult relationship and can discuss important topics openly. 
  • Ana_2985Ana_2985 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_confusing-draining?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:ef116fa9-9ccf-49bf-8d77-2218f207c468Post:a07882be-4cbe-413a-990e-d21b5a0be36a">Confusing and Draining</a>:
    [QUOTE]My boyfriend and I bought a house and have been living together for a little over a year. Going into the living situation he knew I preferred to be engaged prior to moving in together. He says he wants to get married but he always has a reason to put off getting engaged. One being I was recently laid off. He will talk for a while about planning a wedding and then out of nowhere switch gears and tell me that we are nowhere close to getting engaged and shouldn't be talking about wedding stuff. Then, weeks later, he is back to talking about marrying me. I'm left confused, hurt and completely lost. I'm starting to think that our relationship may not be going anywhere and really need some guidance on what to do. Help please!!!  
    Posted by jpallotti[/QUOTE]

    There is a difference between talking about planning a wedding and talking about wanted to marry you.  He may be completely certain that he wants to marry you but not ready to get married (so no wedding yet).  There is nothing wrong with that.  I think most couples go through a stage where they're sure they want to be married eventually but the time is not right maybe because of school or work situations.

    You need to have another conversation with him and discuss what both of you would like for the future.  Where would you like to be in 1 year? 3 years?  5 years?  Or maybe it's not a matter of time, but circumstance.  As you said, maybe he's ready but is waiting for you to get a new job.

    Just talk about what you both want and come up with an idea/plan that works for both of you.
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  • edited December 2011
    I asgree with the others that a wedding and a marriage are two separate things but it worries me that it seems like he's calling all the shots.  Talk to him about the future and see what he says. 
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  • edited December 2011
    Try talking to him about it. Tell him he's giving you mixed signals and emotional whiplash.  Ask him what's going on.  Then talk about the future and when you both might be ready to get married (not plan a wedding... big difference!). 
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  • frenchy730frenchy730 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You should have had a conversation about BOTH of your opinions on how your relationship should progress before you purchased the house.

    Too late, but now you do need to sit him down and have a chat.  Talk about where you see yourselves in the next 2,5,10 years.  It is okay to agree to wait to be engaged until you are both more stable financially and at the point in your relationship where it makes sense.  It's not okay for him to make the decision on his own without your input.
  • edited December 2011
    *headdesk*
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