Not Happening

lkp797

Well, I was right about my boyfriend wanting kids soon, but totally wrong about the wanting marriage bit.  Last night I opened his laptop to lookup something for the recipe I was making for dinner and he had all these articles open in his browser about raising children when you're not married and the pros and cons of it.  The articles mostly said it wasn't the best idea, but the fact that he looked up that stuff up pretty much means he wants kids and not marriage right now.  I'm kind of bummed out.  Thanks for all advice with my previous post.  I probably wont be around here much anymore.

anythinggold

Eek! Have you talked to him about it? Definitely a joint decision and he may not have thought about all of the implications, although hopefully his research turned up what you saw! Let us know what he says!

marleylikeair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-happening?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:f1c11828-d3a0-49df-be5c-285f250d0c37Post:b5c5a413-4f7f-4b24-b401-d41e452a6889">Not Happening</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, I was right about my boyfriend wanting kids soon, but totally wrong about the wanting marriage bit.  Last night I opened his laptop to lookup something for the recipe I was making for dinner and he had all these articles open in his browser about raising children when you're not married and the pros and cons of it.  The articles mostly said it wasn't the best idea, but the fact that he looked up that stuff up pretty much means he wants kids and not marriage right now.  I'm kind of bummed out.  Thanks for all advice with my previous post.  I probably wont be around here much anymore.
Posted by lkp797[/QUOTE]

Hi there. I don't think I remember your previous post, unfortunately.

Have you talked to him about wanting to be married first? How did it go? How long have you two been together?

ETA: Wow, it was only yesterday. I fail. Sorry, LOL. Just went back and skimmed the thread. I would try to have a calm conversation about all this with him and see how it goes.

lkp797

I don't really know what to say to him.  I guess it makes sense.  He does talk about wanting a family soon, way more than wanting to get married.  I have told him I would like to idealy have my first child when I'm 26ish and thats only 3 years away... but I assumed he would want to be married when we do have a child. I guess I was wrong.  We've been an officially a couple for six months, but we've been.... ugghhhh intimate? for a year before that...

lilphillips14

If it's not something you want, then you don't have to do it. It's your body, after all. You need to talk to him and be like "Uh, hey baby, so...I really don't want kids before I'm married. So...if you want a bun in the oven, you have to put a ring on it. If not, well...I guess that's not gonna happen, so we have to get to a point where we're both happy. No kids before marriage."

Or, whatever, you know? Just tell him how you feel. But if you don't want kids before marriage, don't just accept it...talk to him about it and stand up for yourself!

marleylikeair

Okay--so 6 months officially. That's a pretty short time! And you are only 23. So I would really try not to worry about this yet if I were you. (Also, I would make sure you're taking all the necessary contraceptive precautions.) Next time the topic of marriage, kids, rings, etc comes up, you can gently let him know you want to be married before having kids, but you don't find a ring to be necessary. But until then? Just enjoy your relationship as it is. You have sooooo much time, I promise!

You should stick around here and chat with us. I've gotten so much great advice, support, and laughs from hanging around with these wonderful women.

anythinggold

If you're uncomfortable with having babies before being married, I would let him know next time he brings it up. I'm normally super against "I won't do X until we're engaged"-type ultimatums, but if that's a no-go for you then let him know.

FWIW, after only 6 months/1 year if you want to split the difference of the extra year you have a little while before you need to make a decision either way!

heyimbren

I like what Marley had to say right above me.

Six months isn't very long to be "together" officially, so give it time. But definitely open up those lines of communication! Sometimes I'll just start up a conversation with BF by saying, "so where do you see yourself in the next few years?" or something along that. I just cuddle up on the couch with him and ask him what HE wants, and let his opinion be heard. Once we started doing that, we've been better about being totally open with each other about what we want in life in terms of desires and goals.

But this is a big thing that probably should be addressed. And remember that it is okay for you two to feel different about things- the important thing is how you two deal with those differences.

lkp797

He's five years older than me, so  I guess he's thinking in a different direction than I am?  We recently moved in together a couple months ago and things have been really great aside from this.

marleylikeair

I hear you on the age difference. You guys might be in slighly different spots right now as to ideas about marriage and kids, but since you're a little way off from those things, that's truly okay for now. The important thing is that you get on the same page before getting engaged and/or having kids, you know?

lkp797

And we didn't become official for a long time, because I got out of a four year relationship and didn't feel like it was healthy to jump right into a committed one, so I needed that year to be single and figure everything out.  He waited around until I figured out I was ready to be with him.

lkp797

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-happening?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:f1c11828-d3a0-49df-be5c-285f250d0c37Post:c0f8d90c-b643-456e-99ac-607baafff3f6">Re: Not Happening</a>:
[QUOTE]I hear you on the age difference. You guys might be in slighly different spots right now as to ideas about marriage and kids, but since you're a little way off from those things, that's truly okay for now. The important thing is that you get on the same page before getting engaged and/or having kids, you know?
Posted by marleylikeair[/QUOTE]

Right, i just can't figure out how to nonchalantley mention, "Hey I want to get married before we have kids..."  without seeming like I'm accusing him or something?

marleylikeair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-happening?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:f1c11828-d3a0-49df-be5c-285f250d0c37Post:902cbbbb-c6c6-4609-aa3d-7aa3cbfaa77d">Re: Not Happening</a>:
[QUOTE]And we didn't become official for a long time, because I got out of a four year relationship and didn't feel like it was healthy to jump right into a committed one, so<strong> I needed that year to be single and figure everything out.  He waited around until I figured out I was ready to be with him.</strong>
Posted by lkp797[/QUOTE]

I think that's a good sign for you two. Just take 'er slow. Or, as my divorced and now remarried older cousin says, "Just riiiiiiide it out. 'Cause once you [get married], it's the rest of your life." <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-smile.gif" border="0" alt="Smile" title="Smile" />

ETA: I realized that quote doesn't make a lot of sense, since she did get divorced and it *wasn't* the rest of her life; but even having that experience did affect the direction of the rest of her life--KWIM?

lilphillips14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-happening?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:f1c11828-d3a0-49df-be5c-285f250d0c37Post:b3563038-0182-473a-91f3-f0dac9931546">Re: Not Happening</a>:
[QUOTE]He's five years older than me, so  I guess he's thinking in a different direction than I am?  We recently moved in together a couple months ago and things have been really great aside from this.
Posted by lkp797[/QUOTE]

<div>Ohhhhhh ok, I kind of get this a little more now. He's, what, 28? Yes, this is generally the time that men start thinking about children and having them and wanting them. Now, if you're not wanting that just yet, then you need to talk to him about it. Definitely talk. </div><div>
</div><div>BF is also 27 (almost 28) and I'm 19. He definitely wants kids, but he knows I'm not going to be ready until I'm out of school and have a career and we are married. We're shooting for children by the time he's 35. He's accepted it and he's behind waiting until we're both ready. That's what you need to do. It's not going to work if one's ready for something big like that and wants to do it now and the other is so not ready for it and doesn't want it. So talk, and work it out if you can. If not, then it might be best to find someone who's in the same place as you, if it's that important to you.</div>

marleylikeair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-happening?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:f1c11828-d3a0-49df-be5c-285f250d0c37Post:a6296c4a-9940-4d91-80b1-eef6902f3e58">Re: Not Happening</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not Happening : Right, i just can't figure out how to nonchalantley mention, "Hey I want to get married before we have kids..."  without seeming like I'm accusing him or something?
Posted by lkp797[/QUOTE]

Okay. Like I said, I would just wait for it to come up naturally, then say something like, "hey, you know, I've been thinking, and I wanted to tell you, it's really important to me to be married before having kids." Who knows--it could be another 6 months or more before it really comes up again, and by then, he might have changed his mind. Heck, 6 months ago I had zero desire to ever have kids, and now I think I would maybe consider it in 5-7 years or so.

lkp797

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-happening?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:f1c11828-d3a0-49df-be5c-285f250d0c37Post:325fa275-47e5-43bc-a690-4df72de9d574">Re: Not Happening</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not Happening : Okay. Like I said, I would just wait for it to come up naturally, then say something like, "hey, you know, I've been thinking, and I wanted to tell you, it's really important to me to be married before having kids." Who knows--it could be another 6 months or more before it really comes up again, and by then, he might have changed his mind. Heck, 6 months ago I had zero desire to ever have kids, and now I think I would maybe consider it in 5-7 years or so.
Posted by marleylikeair[/QUOTE]

Yeah, I'll just wait it out.  Its not like I have a time crunch or anything right now.  Just working on my masters and working part time.   We'll figure it out when it comes up, I was just a little taken back that he actually looked that up :/

marleylikeair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-happening?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:f1c11828-d3a0-49df-be5c-285f250d0c37Post:4694c96b-5a71-4a08-8679-4f9bb4b0df21">Re: Not Happening</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not Happening : Yeah, I'll just wait it out.  Its not like I have a time crunch or anything right now.  Just working on my masters and working part time.   We'll figure it out when it comes up, I was just a little taken back that he actually looked that up :/
Posted by lkp797[/QUOTE]

I totally understand being a little weirded out/bummed when you saw that! But you know what? The Internet is a silly thing sometimes. I look up all kinds of weird things that I'll likely never follow through on, or won't for several years. That's how I ended up on TK--I was a little bit BSC and looking at things I shouldn't have been. But I didn't go out and book anything or buy a gown. See what I mean? <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" />

Or take another example: rugs. I have fantasies about pretty, modern-looking, feel-nice-on-your-feet area rugs. For a decent one, they're upwards of $500-$700. I like to look, but can I afford to spend that kind of money? Nope. So I'm not gonna buy one. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-laughing.gif" border="0" alt="Laughing" title="Laughing" />

Blue & White

It's also possible to maybe talk to him about his general timeline?  Although, after only 6 months, he might think you're crazy for even thinking marriage OR kids.

There's no chance he has a kid somewhere else?  Maybe he's looking for custody?

SKP82

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-happening?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:f1c11828-d3a0-49df-be5c-285f250d0c37Post:e153588c-6fb8-4b76-9b4d-3897751d346b">Re: Not Happening</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay--so 6 months officially. That's a pretty short time! And you are only 23. So I would really try not to worry about this yet if I were you. (Also, I would make sure you're taking all the necessary contraceptive precautions.) Next time the topic of marriage, kids, rings, etc comes up, you can gently let him know you want to be married before having kids, but you don't find a ring to be necessary. But until then? Just enjoy your relationship as it is. You have sooooo much time, I promise! You should stick around here and chat with us. I've gotten so much great advice, support, and laughs from hanging around with these wonderful women.
Posted by marleylikeair[/QUOTE]

All of this.

I agree with PPs that you should absolutely talk to him about this.  And you have to figure out for yourself if it's a dealbreaker if he never wants to get married.

Good luck.

lunarsongbird

So another possibility that I don't believe anyone else mentioned is that he might actually have been looking for someone else. You might find out his friend "Jake" (or something) knocked up his girlfriend.

There is nothing that I won't talk to Andrew (my boyfriend) about...in fact...I have trouble keeping things from him. It's not difficult for me to talk to him about anything and everything.

I would probably just say, "Andrew- I've been thinking about my future lately...blah blah blah...what I want to do with my life...blah blah blah. I have a feeling that you might be okay with having kids before marriage. Is that true?"

But honestly- if you aren't totally comfortable talking to your BF about most everything- especially your life together- you may not be ready for marriage soon anyway....and if that's the case...you can just be comfortable with your relationship as it stands- and feel around if you're okay with the relationship.

lkp797

Six months is how long its been since we were comfortable telling everyone we wanted to be together.  Its hard to explain, but we have a very close knit group of friends and everyone is in each other's business, so we kept it under wraps till I was ready to be offical.  But, he's been around pretty much the last year and a half.

This marriage talk started a couple weeks ago when BF and I were drinking too much wine one night.  Weird story, but I was in the bathroom going pee, and he walked in on me and startled me and I knocked over my purse and some change, and my old engagement ring felt in the toilet.  I had it in my purse because I randomly found it  the console of my car, and I had thought I lost it a long time ago, so I just threw it in there... BF offers to retrieve everything out of my pee water... I decline his offer... explaining its just pennies... and my old engagement ring.  We stared at each other for about two minutes and in slow motion he then reaches out and flushes..... Then thinking maybe I'm upset he says "Don't worry, you'll get a new one soon enough, I promise...."  Between that comment, being super sweet lately, and the constant family comments... I made the conclusion maybe he wanted to get married?  But I guess I was wrong.

lunarsongbird

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-happening?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:f1c11828-d3a0-49df-be5c-285f250d0c37Post:30b301fe-60cd-4d73-bb35-905487658d3d">Re: Not Happening</a>:
[QUOTE]"Don't worry, you'll get a new one soon enough, I promise...." 
Posted by lkp797[/QUOTE]

You don't trust him or believe his promises?

I still think he might have been looking for a friend. Or he may just really really really want children ASAP (which some guys do)- and wants to wait for marriage. That doesn't mean he doesn't want to be married to you or that he doesn't love you.

But him saying you'll get a new ring soon enough... I would give him the benefit of the doubt. Besides- you haven't been together that long.

Slow your roll, darling. :)

Trust him, love him. Be happy.

mymissingpuzzlepiece

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-happening?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:f1c11828-d3a0-49df-be5c-285f250d0c37Post:30b301fe-60cd-4d73-bb35-905487658d3d">Re: Not Happening</a>:
[QUOTE]Six months is how long its been since we were comfortable telling everyone we wanted to be together.  Its hard to explain, but we have a very close knit group of friends and everyone is in each other's business, so we kept it under wraps till I was ready to be offical.  But, he's been around pretty much the last year and a half. This marriage talk started a couple weeks ago when BF and I were drinking too much wine one night.  Weird story, but I was in the bathroom going pee, and he walked in on me and startled me and I knocked over my purse and some change, and my old engagement ring felt in the toilet.  I had it in my purse because I randomly found it  the console of my car, and I had thought I lost it a long time ago, so I just threw it in there... BF offers to retrieve everything out of my pee water... I decline his offer... explaining its just pennies... and my old engagement ring.  We stared at each other for about two minutes and in slow motion he then reaches out and flushes..... Then thinking maybe I'm upset he says "Don't worry, you'll get a new one soon enough, I promise...."  Between that comment, being super sweet lately, and the constant family comments... I made the conclusion maybe he wanted to get married?  But I guess I was wrong.
Posted by lkp797[/QUOTE]

<div>I think you really need to have a conversation about this with your bf. Because what he said to you may have just been something nice to say instead of his actual intentions. It is important to talk about this.</div>

lkp797

I talked to him last night.  He wasn't freaked out at all when I asked him about stuff or if he wanted to get married.  He said he is just really curious about having kids in general and enjoys reading about different kinds of parenting senarious.  He found the article on his usual NPR page and just looked up the other ones to compare.  We're waiting at least till I graduate with my masters in two years to have kids.  We're going to try and buy a house next Summer, and sometime before the hopeful house purchase the marriage stuff will come up.