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Life, death and other big thoughts late at night.

I have had a hard week.  It has been full of death and sadness.  Death is so scary to me.  Despite the assurance of my religion, I have never been quite sure how death goes.  Well I suppose none of us are.  That scares me.

 

This kid I went to high school committed suicide this week.  He jumped off a damn.  My mind keeps replaying images of him jumping and falling to his death in the waters below.  I hate it but I can't get it to stop.   Why would you do that?  There is no way out if you decide you want to live after all.  I guess this is why I never went through with any of my suicidal thoughts; I knew I wanted to live.  And I am afraid of death.

 

I was told today that my grandfather died last night.  I am so sad.  I knew it was coming and I am so glad I got to go see him before he died but how hard the reality hits you when it happens.  I was really hoping more then I realized that he would hold on for our wedding but he is in a better place now.

 

I want to sleep with FI right now, not in the sexy way but just lay next to him; have the warmth of someone there.  I am feeling pretty lonely and upset.  Oh and my cousin who is in my bridal party called me today and tried to withdraw from my bridal party.  I had to tell my cousin that her brother abused me.  That was no fun.  I hope I did the right thing.  This has really been a terrible day.  I am so sorry this post is long and makes almost no sense.  When I am upset sometimes I write poetry.  Here is one I wrote about death. 

Sands

As I lay dreaming

Something terrible occurred

I was trapped in sands and glass

Wrapped with wood and brass

 

Sand filled every orifice

Fear and dread filled my soul

I tried to break thin glass

But it was as if my arms were as weak as a bird’s

Looking down

I saw to my horror that my arms were nothing more than bones

I went to cry out

But my voice stuck in my throat

 

Down, underneath me, the sand had sifted away.

Gone, as swiftly as the passing of a wind

Or of Time.

Glancing at my feet, they dissipated before my eyes

In my ears, a roaring of a mighty wind.

Then nothing.

 

I floated, a being without being, among the stars and constellations

They smiled and nodded

Vain were my attempts to communicate

But they knew

“Ride on, soon you will see and understand”

 

I awoke lying in my bed

The steady beep of the heart machine rings in my ears

Yet I smiled.

I knew my time here was not long

And there was bliss waiting for me at the end.

 

How swiftly time passes

I am truly sorry this is so long.  I think I just needed to get that all out.
"Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained"-C.S. Lewis

Married! May 27th, 2012

Re: Life, death and other big thoughts late at night.

  • God sorry that is so choppy.  I am going to try to sleep now, I have class tomorrow but I might take this down tomorrow.  Who knows.  Thanks for listening guys.
    "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained"-C.S. Lewis

    Married! May 27th, 2012

  • SopChickSopChick member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited January 2012
    Ray, I'm glad you posted this. Sometimes, in my opinion anyway, getting something out there into the universe makes it easier to begin the healing process. You have been through a lot.

    I am sorry about the person from high school. Were you guys close? (maybe not anymore, but back then?) While I agree with some of the other ladies who have said suicide is selfish, I also think someone needs to be hurting pretty badly to make that decision and go through with it. I hope that he is now in a better place, and that he's no longer bothered by whatever demons he was facing.

    I'm glad that you were able to see your grandfather before he passed. I'm sure he will be with you on your wedding day in spirit.

    I think you did the right thing about your cousin too, if it's any consolation. I'm sure it would be difficult for her to hear, but if I were in her position, I would be glad of the knowledge later down the road - like when I had children for example. She probably just needs some time to process, but hopefully she will realize that you're still the same awesome you that you've always been.

    You're a strong woman Ray, I believe that. You'll get through this, and we're always here to listen if you need it!

    I hope you were able to get a restful sleep. Have a good class tomorrow.

    HUGE HUGS

    *if you want me to take this down in the morning after you've read it, just let me know. It can easily be replaced with lolcats or similar things*
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  • Raven,

    Hugs dear.... you've been through a lot this week. I'm sorry about the loss of your grandfather, but I agree with sop:  he'll be there in spirit on your wedding day, and he'll always be a part of you.

    I'm also sorry about your friend/acquaintance from high school. Suicide is awful.  It is somethign that is selfish, but usually the person is in so much pain it's more about ending the pain than it is about the people in their lives.

    And I very much enjoyed your poem.

    Hugs, <3
  • Ray, I'm sorry you are going through this difficult time. Please know that you aren't alone (did you read Meg's post from yesterday? Eerily similar). We are always here when you need to get things out in the universe (I love the way you said that Sop). 

    Hugs and prayers coming your way....
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  • Just want to let you know I love you and you can always message me on FB if you need to talk

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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    *HUGS* I'm so sorry you are going through all this. I'll be praying for you <3


  • Thank you so much Sop and Becumming.  It really means a lot to me.

    Sop- we were kind of close.  We carpooled every day because he lived close to me in 9th grade.  Then he went to a different school and we lost touch. Recently my brothers became good friends with him and his family.  I feel really bad for them.   Thanks for reassuring me about my cousin.  I spent all of yesterday wondering if I did the right thing.  I hope so but I just don't know.  I guess we will find out.  Thank you for the hugs, I need them right now. And you are right my grandpa will be there in spirit.

    Becumming- Thanks for liking my poem.  I Love poetry and I have a ton of it.  Thank you for the kind words.

    tiger- I did read her post, she kind of inspired my post.

    Beth and Bside- thank you, you girls are awesome.

     

    I love you all so much, thanks for being there for me!  I don't know how to express my gratitude.

    "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained"-C.S. Lewis

    Married! May 27th, 2012

  • Ah, Ray, I'm sorry it's been such a rough week.  Whenever I hear about a young person dying in some freak accident or committing suicide, I get all hung up thinking about death for a while, too.  I think that's probably normal and even healthy, so don't be too hard on yourself.

  • csousa1csousa1 member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited January 2012
    Hugs Ray. I'm so sorry about what a rough time of it you've had lately. Your poem is so full of feeling - it's a good outlet for you to get these things out and process these huge feelings and questions. 

    Death can feel like such a huge thing sometimes, and it seems all the worse when it is sudden or unnatural, like a suicide or tragedy. It's those situations that stick with you and make you think about it more. I'm so sorry about your friend, and your grandfather. I'm sorry that you had to have a difficult, uncomfortable conversation with your cousin. You are so so very brave, and just so wonderful. Lots of love and prayers are headed your way <3
  • edited January 2012
    ::HUGS::

    I am so sorry that you have had so many hurtful things happen all at once.  Losing anyone you care for is hard.  You mentioned religion, I hope that you can find comfort in knowing that your gpa is in a better place.

    Losing a friend to suicide is rough, I haven't experienced it personally, but know many people who have and I've seen the toll it takes.  Suicide leaves so many unanswered questions, sadness, and sometimes anger.  Just know that however you feel right now is okay, and that your feelings may change as you are grieving.

    Your poem is beautiful, thank you for sharing and for opening up to us. 

    I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

    ::MORE HUGS::
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  • raven I'm so sorry you're going through such a tough time lately. I can't imagine having so many different stressors lately. Your poem was wonderful,

    Hugs and good thoughts coming your way!
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  • It's really been a tough week for a lot of us.  Lots of love, hugs, t&ps are coming your way.  I'm right there with ya.
  • edited January 2012
    I'm so sorry for your losses, Ray. I think you did the right thing about your cousin. As hard and awkward as it may have been, she definitely needs to know about her brother. As Sop said, if she has children she would definitely need to know that. Hugs and prayers <3
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  • Beautiful poem

    Im so sorry to hear about all of this death and sadness. Lots of hugs and prayers to you.  

    Anniversary

  • Elle- Thanks Elle.  I can't help being hard on myself, I am very self critical.

    csous- Thank you, and thanks for liking my poem.

    Dwest- Thank you.  Yes I am pretty sure he is in a better place, I mean who are we to judge but I am fairly confident he is.  It is a little hard for me for someone who is not Russian Orthodox because of the way they do funerals (Open casket, open confrontation with death, yet so beautiful, "Blessed are thy servant who has fallen asleep.")  But I am getting better at it.

    Kelly- Thank you.  It is difficult but I know I will get through it.

    Meg- I love you!  I am so sorry we are having such rough weeks.  Prayers for you too!

    Jaycee- Thank you.  I still need affirmation that what I did was the right thing, my mom is going to flip when I tell her.

    Danser- Thank you.

     

    I am glad that so many of you liked my poem.  Poems mean a lot to me :)

    "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained"-C.S. Lewis

    Married! May 27th, 2012

  • I'm sorry I missed this earlier. I am so, so sorry Raven. That's a lot to deal with in one week.
     
    I don't think your feelings regarding death are abnormal at all.

    You and your family will be in my prayers, and know we are here for you whenever you need it, in whatever way.
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