Judged Because You're Not Married?

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_judged-because-not-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:f9834509-8d12-4d47-878f-ddc9a1c52886Post:79c9c2f6-8a1f-4cb9-89fb-8d339dd05f38">Re: Judged Because You're Not Married?</a>:
[QUOTE]My own mother has started judging because of my choices in sleeping with boyfriend prior to marriage. Boyfriend and I go to college 3 hours away from my family and mom called the other day and broke the news that her house is not open for me and boyfriend to come visit for a week for the holidays. Only for me. So yea I feel judged.
Posted by citygirllovescountryboy[/QUOTE]

Eh, I guess that is a bit harsh. Is that you can't come at all, or you just can't sleep together while there? I think the former is going too far, but the latter seems fair to me when it's her house. Also too far if that rule applies only to you, but others can stay together in her house.

StarGazingHiker

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_judged-because-not-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:f9834509-8d12-4d47-878f-ddc9a1c52886Post:21b10b7b-0558-4708-a969-2555298feae1">Re: Judged Because You're Not Married?</a>:
[QUOTE]My new least-favorite-question is "Why aren't you engaged?" or "Why hasn't he proposed yet?" or any question that essentially demands an answer for why we're still just dating.
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

This! I hate this question!

calindi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_judged-because-not-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:f9834509-8d12-4d47-878f-ddc9a1c52886Post:c5b6044e-98af-4cda-ad7d-acfe95592dfc">Re: Judged Because You're Not Married?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Judged Because You're Not Married? : Well, Cate, why aren't you?  I mean, you guys just got back from that trip, right?  If he didn't propose then, he probably won't.  Ever. 
Posted by Elle1036[/QUOTE]

Haha... oh Elle... if I thought you weren't kidding, I'd crawl through the internet cables and wring your little neck.  Gleefully! Have you been speaking to my grandmother recently, by any chance?

Clearly the only answer they want to hear to that question is, "Because he doesn't love me enough to propose" *insert sniffle and sob here*. 

Or my usual response to friends, "We're just enjoying living in sin right now!  I hear the sex goes downhill once you're married, so might as well get it on while the getting is good, right?"

leia1979

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_judged-because-not-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:f9834509-8d12-4d47-878f-ddc9a1c52886Post:73b6d6e6-977e-42a9-afdc-46bd002d5e0c">Re: Judged Because You're Not Married?</a>:
[QUOTE]So I guess "judged" was the wrong word to use in my title. Mostly, I was just surprised that someone would assume I had a fear of commitment because BF and I had been together for 3 years and weren't married. Before my current relationship, I would never have given a second thought to asking questions like "when are you getting married?", "what are you two waiting for?", "Is this the 'forever' guy?"...but now i've become acutely aware how awkward they can be to answer!
Posted by allusive007[/QUOTE]

Three years is nothin'! I have a friend who got married this year after nine years together. They waited for the bride to finish med school and half of residency.

I agree the "what are you waiting for" question is annoying. A coworker said that to me a month or two ago...actually, it was "What is he waiting for?" He was waiting to save up some money!

MissOwl

Ugh...I get asked about it all the time. It drives me crazy. I wish they'd all just shut up!

lmwilber

Sometimes I do feel judged, esp when people find out that the BF and I have been together for 7 1/2 years.
His younger sister got married in May to a guy she had met 9 months before, every one told me and the BF how they were 'just so sure that that it would have been us'. I'm not sure if the BF even noticed some of the comments, but I of course did. The worst part was when her photographer told me that I could not be in ANY of the family pictures because  BF and I were not  even engaged (but the douche totally said that he looked foreward to doing our wedding-I think not) BF and fam told him that I was to be in the pics, because I am famliy, e-ring or not. I remeber that moment, all of his family standing up for us/me, whenever anyone else makes me feel judged.
I also like breezebs' comment about adding months I might borrow that!

leia1979

Holy cow, Wilber. That photographer was a douche! It's absolutely not his call as to who gets to be in photos.

This past summer, I got the feeling FSIL didn't want me to be in the family photos that were taken when we all met up for vacation, but she didn't explicitly say it. We weren't engaged at the time, but FI's mom insisted I be included.

zipis1

My family and friends don't do it really, but people I barely know and strangers will drive me up the wall with their comments.

There have been several people I know who met and married their spouses in under a year who will be compalining about stupid things that are easily solvable and saying how they'll never be able to fix it blah blah blah. Things like "he never puts his dishes up," or "she never cleans her make-up off the counter," and such. And when asked if they ever asked them to do these things and told no, I advise them to do so, aand they say, "You wouldn't understand. You're not married."

Right. I've only been dating/ living with BF for nearly four years. Way longer than you've even known your spouse. What could I possibly know? And communication is such a bad thing to do in a marriage

I also have the other side of this though with my dad. I'll tell him we intend to be married within two years and he'll say something like, "Don't do that. You don't need to do that. Rushing things isn't a good idea." Just generally try to keep me from getting married ever. I mean yeesh. I'll be 25  by then and dating BF for six years. Hardly rushing :P

bethsmiles

So I found out that when my BF went and got coffee with 2 of his girl friends from high school and the whole time they questioned him about when we are getting married. I don't know how I feel about that. I'm glad they are excited for us to get married but I would rather they not grill my BF about it when I'm not there. Its not a big enough deal that I would confront them about it but it still kinda bugs me.

citygirllovescountryboy

Yea my mom meant that we were not invited as a couple, not that we could not sleep together. So yea I believe she took her religious beliefs and just kind of slammed them in our faces a little bit too much. BF's family has no problem with us coming to visit as a couple, and we even share BF's room when we are there. I know my mom wouldn't agree so I was willing to sleep alone, but she won't even let us do that. So now I am considering an alternative, like renting a hotel room so that BF can actually come to family Christmas. Lame..right?

lmwilber

Leia, I know right! I have no idea what possesed him to say such a thing. I know that BF's sis and I aren't close, but to say I couldn't be in ANY? In the end we did half and half, which was perfect. The last time I was at BFs for dinner, his mom had framed the one with all of us. I am so happy to have a great set of parents-in-dating

Congrats on the recent engagement! It sounds like you're gonna have a great MIL, too!

calindi

citygirl, I'm sorry your Mom is like that.  Ultimately she loses by taking that strict of a position because it will feel much more welcoming for you both to visit your BF's family at holidays as long as she won't allow you as a couple in her home. 

I totally agree that sleeping together isn't something she needs to do, though, if that's her beliefs.  My parents have always said that unmarried couples do not sleep together under their roof, and we've totally respected that.  My boyfriend slept on an air mattress in the basement when we visited, and my brother's girlfriend took the guest room.  They have realized now that it's silly as my boyfriend and I live together, and my brother and his girlfriend moved across the country together, so now they've said we could all share rooms.  It would not have bothered me at all, though.  If they wouldn't let BF in the home, though, that would make it very difficult for us to visit them for holidays.

Elle1036

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_judged-because-not-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:f9834509-8d12-4d47-878f-ddc9a1c52886Post:2f6746e5-f8ca-4141-b274-be3f5d27af5b">Re: Judged Because You're Not Married?</a>:
[QUOTE]Yea my mom meant that we were not invited as a couple, not that we could not sleep together. So yea I believe she took her religious beliefs and just kind of slammed them in our faces a little bit too much. BF's family has no problem with us coming to visit as a couple, and we even share BF's room when we are there. I know my mom wouldn't agree so I was willing to sleep alone, but she won't even let us do that. So now I am considering an alternative, like renting a hotel room so that BF can actually come to family Christmas. Lame..right?
Posted by citygirllovescountryboy[/QUOTE]

Totally lame.  Like others have said, it's understandable if she doesn't want you sharing a room, but not to allow him in the home at all?  Ugh.

BF and I always share rooms when we visit either his parents or mine.  It wasn't always that way, and there were a couple of awkward "ya know, you guys don't have to separate for our benefit" kind of conversations, but it's made things much easier.

I hope you get something figured out.  I would probably just forgo the visit if my mom was acting that way.

mzm153

Its been a year since I first started dating my SO and his cousins and aunts are already asking whether we thought about getting married. I felt really awkward and I wasn't sure what to make of it. I had to say not yet. I wanted them to understand that we're not ready, but that doesn't mean we don't love each other.

I feel less awkward when my family and friends ask the question because I even though I give the same honest answer to all, I worry how his family would take my answer.

That's an awkward question, but it can be more or less awkward depending on who asks.