People assuming they're invited...? Long...

lef5042

I think if you politely tell them that you're having a small wedding and that you are already inviting a lot of family, they will be fine with it.  When I have friends tell me how excited they are for my wedding and how beautiful I'm going to look, etc, I just explain to them that we're really close with our extended family which makes up the majority of guests at the wedding.  I also tell them that I had a lot of people who I originally had on my guest list but couldn't afford to invite so that they don't feel personally snubbed.  One thing that people don't think of unless it's their wedding is that you can never invite all of the people that you want to.  There will never be enough room for all of the special people in your life.  They won't hold it against you if you tell them nicely and if they do, well then they weren't good enough friends to be invited anyways.

erinatkins

I think I've had pretty much ALL of these problems come up with our guest list.  We have been together for 7 years, so we are having a short engagement comparatively (4 +1/2 months).  At the beginning, I was telling even people that I worked with three years ago that they should come to the wedding.  When we sat down and figured out our budget and actually planned out a guest list, I no longer felt the need to invite ex-coworkers I don't keep in touch with except when I visit their work!

I agree that you have to expect that every single person you invite could potentially attend.  We are budgeted for 90 people but the most we can accommodate in our package is 100.  My mom's best friend (who surely realizes that we are on a budget) RSVPed for herself and a date!  I had addressed the envelope just to her and we can't afford for unmarried friends to bring dates.  I made an exception for my bridesmaids because they are doing a lot of work for the wedding and we actually know their dates.  My feeling is that if we have to cut out family and friends, I don't want guests bringing strangers to our wedding.

I, too, have a hard time with confrontation, but I've had to learn to put my foot down.  My mom was giving me a lot of grief about not inviting her aunts and uncles and I just had to tell her (again!) that it is nothing personal - we simply do not have the room.  I've invited my stepdad's aunts and uncles because we actually see them and spend time with them, versus my mom's and my dad's aunts and uncles.  My FMIL and my dad have both asked me to invite people well after the invitations went out.  I made an exception for these cases (one invite of two people for each of them) but now they both know that we can absolutely not invite anyone else.  I even had a waitress at a Thai restaurant I go to once every few weeks say that she wanted to come!  Seriously, you have to draw the line!

I would bump the judgmental relatives who didn't accept your future husband's father from the guest list.  This will make room for your friends.  But then again, you may just want to opt for the polite but firm, "I would love to have you there on my special day, but we just can't afford it / don't have the room / are on a budget / etc."  Once you invite some of your coworkers, you could end up with hurt feelings of those not invited.

Remember that it is your day and don't let anyone guilt you into inviting people.  Wedding planning is stressful enough without all of the politics.  If you are sweet about it, people will get over it.  Good luck!  (And sorry for the rant.)

erinatkins

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_people-assuming-theyre-invited-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:031c51b7-7b34-4dd1-a5a3-2555673c7e31Post:7a8acb17-e7dc-4daa-b949-12e3017c3dfa">Re: People assuming they're invited...? Long...</a>:
[QUOTE]I am in the same boat right now! It's very difficult when my co-workers and aquaintences say, "I can't wait." I have never and would never assume I'd be invited to someone's wedding unless I am close with them... What makes it duffucult for me is that another in the office girl is engaged and getting married prior to mine. And she has invited everyone! Oh, I don't know what to do. If I don't, do I look like a b-word?? <strong>Also, I'm not close with her, but I'm invited to hers. Do I need to invite her to mine?</strong> Then, will the other co-workers be offended if she got one (knowing we are not close) and not them...?  However, we are paying for most all of it ourselves, so it really is the truth that we are about at our max with close friends and family. I guess that's what I'll say. I think that's what you should say too. Just explain, after tough consideration, we have decided to keep our guest list at a minimum. We just cannot afford to add more people. Best friends and family will take priority, and we don't have the money to go beyond that. Let them know you do feel badly that all of your friends and co-workers cannot join, but there just isnt enough funds. That's what I think I'll say to both mine and your situations. Good luck!
Posted by nllutzy[/QUOTE]
Hey Girl, I have had this same thought (in bold).  I am invited to my good friend's ex-roommate from like 10 years ago's wedding 8 days before mine, but I didn't invite her to mine.  We hardly speak!  Again, I keep going back to budget and it's YOUR day.  Invite who you want (given your budget) and surely reasonable people will understand.  If they try to make you feel guilty about not being invited to your wedding, are they really the kind of petty people you want in attendance?!

diemond

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_people-assuming-theyre-invited-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:031c51b7-7b34-4dd1-a5a3-2555673c7e31Post:d95cb545-f11d-44b8-a3b3-7ca8a1223ec4">Re: People assuming they're invited...? Long...</a>:
[QUOTE]Throw a bridal shower and invite them to that and explain that you are having family only at the actual wedding but you wanted to celebrate with them by having them at the shower.
Posted by jessdayno[/QUOTE]

<div>I disagree.  Inviting someone to only the bridal shower and then not inviting them to the wedding is rude. I know I would be offended if I were invited to a party where a gift is expected ("shower the bride with gifts") and then not invited to the wedding.  </div><div>
</div><div>You're better off inviting them for a casual shindig after the wedding, where you can keep the costs down, but still want to celebrate your happy occasion with them.</div>

CoreymaeW

i have the same issue not quite as bad as you though but i was talking about my wedding and showing a co worker a few pics of things that i have made for the wedding (a very DIY wedding) and then she said "it looks beautiful let me know when it is i would love to come" and i was speechless because i didn't know what to say but i had already been stressing out about the number of guests because our chapel only seats 75-80!

[Deleted User]

Yes! A lot of people have assumed they're invited...but we're trying to keep the number as close to 100 as possible. Both FI and I have had people we hardly know asking us when the date is and when are they getting their invite?
ha The invites were already sent out :P

nancylynn11

I totally understand because a few years ago I was one of those co-workers asking to come to the wedding!! - Listen, if they were really good friends, they would understand your financial dilemna and only go to the chuch/ceremony part, which is what I did. It was still lovely even though I wasn't invited to the reception. Incidentally, I was the one that gave our friend her bridal shower in the office and I still wasn't hurt that I wasn't invited. Because I understood that she had a VERY TIGHT budget and had to stick with it. -- If it still bothers you, do something special with them, take them/or bring lunch in one day, but don't overload yourself with stress about getting the extra money just to invite them. If they were good people they would truly understand.

13jdiva

Just because the girls a work say they want to go doesn't mean they will.  And if you do invite them you aren't required to have them bring thier significant others.  Just tell them, limited guests and seating.  As long as they know someone there they don't need their significant others. 

As for his family.  GOOD LUCK!!  We had to cut it down to Aunts and Uncles and first cousins.  We did Great Aunts and Uncles as a courtesy and because there really aren't that many of them.  To the rest OH WELL,  sorry 

afrodisiality

I never really get why people ASSUME they are invited to someone's wedding.

We decided on a number for the wedding and invited pretty much the same amount of people from both sides. With the exception of two of his cousins, there is no one invited to the wedding that we don't BOTH know. He's introduced me to people that he hasn't seen since high school and the response will be, "Ohhh I just KNOW I'm invited...right?" or "I BETTER get an invite.."

Ummm, I just met you 5 seconds ago and he hasn't seen you since 1992 so NO, you're not invited! And it's mostly WOMEN who seem to do this!!! He had one girl ask him on fb where her invite was. He politely wrote that the wedding was for family and friends of BOTH of us. She responded with, "Get it right, I am family." That let me know right there that some people think entirely too much of themselves. Never mind the fact that I've no idea who she is, have NEVER heard her name mentioned in the 9 years we've been together but she "considers" herself family because she knew him when they were kids. Some people just have too much nerve!

No matter what you do, people are going to get left out. You can't be afraid to say NO to people...friends AND family included. Invite those who are truly closest to you first and IF there's room for add-ons then so be it.