Problems with future father in law etc..ugh sorry if I ramble on

cmm4ever

So....apologize if I ramble on I just frustrated! My fiance just left (we dont live together yet). We will be together 7 years on Christmas 2 engaged. I just finished college if that even matters (im 21 and he will be 23). So...he just stopped by and I thought we might go to the store because I need resume paper..so anyways he just brought up his dad said starting the new year (his dads girlfriend or me can only come over on Saturday not earlier in the week). He lives with his father but he gives him alot of his money which I feel that his father is ungrateful for, but Ill get into that later on. Lately because I have been in college the last few years I would go over on a Thursday or Friday and go home Sunday. I feel like thats the only time we had to really spend time together anyways...and half the time Im there he is working or went hunting with his dad etc. or whatever, and I would do homework or something. So I just feel like I hate that like its a RULE or something. His dad mentioned to him that I dont talk to him when Im there. This is where we started getting into it and we really dont argue much. I just do not feel that comfortable or close to his father. He used to be closer to his mother, but now his father since his parents got divorced and he lives with his father.
               Okay I have anxiety so I think that plas apart, but his dad is hard to talked to. I also heard his dad and his dads gf talk behind my back numerous times before. This makes me not want to talk even more. This is my personality and I go on the computer study etc when Im there..and his dad just complains. His dad is being lazy relies on unemployment in the past and now, and isnt looking for a job.One time a few  months ago when his dad was drunk he said stuff about me and my fiance. He called my fiance a low life for no reason,,,and got into my business and said why isnt she working more (I had a good reason with college etc)and that Im not doing anything with my life...but I just turned 21 went to college straight out of highschool made the deans list multiple times and just graduated college. Just aggravating. My fiance told him he should apologize but he said why should I apologize for? He never did. I feel like Im such a nice person...and that he treats not so nice peolpe better than me...just feel like if I was more of a B!!!!! HE MIGHT LIKE ME??! So I do not see after 7 years how it is going to change . My fiance mentioned before, (he tends to care about his father a little too much) that when we move out he wants his father to practically move in with us or next to us. I told him tonight for the first time that I do not think that is going to work...and he wasnt too happy. I do not know I love my fiance so much but I feel like this is so unfair and that I do not deserve or should feel uncomfortable around his family. I do not even want to go over there for Christmas because I do not want to see his dad. I only have been telling my fiance things about his dad or his dads girlfriend maybe 1 out of the 5 times something happens. I feel like I cant say anything to his dad or his dads girlfriend because then I wont be allowed over there and thats really the only time we spend together. My fiance has a big mouth and might bring it up to his dad and I will feel even more akward. Its not like we can go somewhere everytime we see eachother (too expensive and Im broke from college), my house is too noisy, but he does come over sometimes. Going back and forth wont work either (I have a liscence but dont like to drive so fiance has car). IM FRUSTRATED AND HATE THIS SITUATION PLEASE WHAT TO DO? Sorry typing fast sorry if there are errors.

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_problems-future-father-law-etcugh-sorry-ramble?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:04d4d4e7-15a8-408f-9008-6d1b0cec3fc0Post:305ceb5f-fc91-4e07-9ff9-444875b09dd0">Problems with future father in law etc..ugh sorry if I ramble on</a>:
[QUOTE]So....apologize if I ramble on I just frustrated! My fiance just left (we dont live together yet). We will be together 7 years on Christmas 2 engaged. I just finished college if that even matters (im 21 and he will be 23). So...he just stopped by and I thought we might go to the store because I need resume paper..so anyways he just brought up his dad said starting the new year (his dads girlfriend or me can only come over on Saturday not earlier in the week). He lives with his father but he gives him alot of his money which I feel that his father is ungrateful for, but Ill get into that later on. Lately because I have been in college the last few years I would go over on a Thursday or Friday and go home Sunday. I feel like thats the only time we had to really spend time together anyways...and half the time Im there he is working or went hunting with his dad etc. or whatever, and I would do homework or something. So I just feel like I hate that like its a RULE or something. His dad mentioned to him that I dont talk to him when Im there. This is where we started getting into it and we really dont argue much. I just do not feel that comfortable or close to his father. He used to be closer to his mother, but now his father since his parents got divorced and he lives with his father.                Okay I have anxiety so I think that plas apart, but his dad is hard to talked to. I also heard his dad and his dads gf talk behind my back numerous times before. This makes me not want to talk even more. This is my personality and I go on the computer study etc when Im there..and his dad just complains. His dad is being lazy relies on unemployment in the past and now, and isnt looking for a job.One time a few  months ago when his dad was drunk he said stuff about me and my fiance. He called my fiance a low life for no reason,,,and got into my business and said why isnt she working more (I had a good reason with college etc)and that Im not doing anything with my life...but I just turned 21 went to college straight out of highschool made the deans list multiple times and just graduated college. Just aggravating. My fiance told him he should apologize but he said why should I apologize for? He never did. I feel like Im such a nice person...and that he treats not so nice peolpe better than me...just feel like if I was more of a B!!!!! HE MIGHT LIKE ME??! So I do not see after 7 years how it is going to change . My fiance mentioned before, (he tends to care about his father a little too much) that when we move out he wants his father to practically move in with us or next to us. I told him tonight for the first time that I do not think that is going to work...and he wasnt too happy. I do not know I love my fiance so much but I feel like this is so unfair and that I do not deserve or should feel uncomfortable around his family. I do not even want to go over there for Christmas because I do not want to see his dad. I only have been telling my fiance things about his dad or his dads girlfriend maybe 1 out of the 5 times something happens. I feel like I cant say anything to his dad or his dads girlfriend because then I wont be allowed over there and thats really the only time we spend together. My fiance has a big mouth and might bring it up to his dad and I will feel even more akward. Its not like we can go somewhere everytime we see eachother (too expensive and Im broke from college), my house is too noisy, but he does come over sometimes. Going back and forth wont work either (I have a liscence but dont like to drive so fiance has car). IM FRUSTRATED AND HATE THIS SITUATION PLEASE WHAT TO DO? Sorry typing fast sorry if there are errors.
Posted by cmm4ever[/QUOTE]
Do colleges not teach people to write in paragraphs?

I'm sorry, OP, but I could only get through the first part.  From that, I gather that you're pissed off because your FI's father said you can't stay overnight anymore.  Guess what?  Dad's house, dad's rules.  If you don't like it, find somewhere else to go, or have your FI move out.  Welcome to adulthood.

cmm4ever

Sorry...but no I was busy so I was just typing. No that is just a little of the reason I was mad. His father completely treats me like garbage so yeah...and my fiance helps pay rent so his father cant say its just his house.

MairePoppy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_problems-future-father-law-etcugh-sorry-ramble?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:04d4d4e7-15a8-408f-9008-6d1b0cec3fc0Post:305ceb5f-fc91-4e07-9ff9-444875b09dd0">Problems with future father in law etc..ugh sorry if I ramble on</a>:
[QUOTE] Sorry typing fast sorry if there are errors.
Posted by cmm4ever[/QUOTE]

There's a spellchecker at the bottom of the message box.

If your fi's dad is setting visiting hours for you, you should respect that. It's his house, even if fi is paying rent. If fi doesn't like the rules, he should get his own place.

npwlab11

I think it's really important that you started to talk to your FI about your feelings because you need to resolve this before your wedding. 

You need to know that once you are married, your FI will put your family (the two of you) first.  You need to make sure he will respect the way you feel about having your own place without his dad there 24/7 after the wedding.  You also need to know that you are on the same page/ a united front, and that his "big mouth" won't be an issue after you are married. 

One way to help that might be to not have him fight your battles for you or try to make his Dad apologize for something you overheard.  Maybe in the future you could explain the specific situation to your FI and then have him go with you to confront his Dad, but you do the talking.

I'm really sorry you are having such a hard time and I hope you can work it out.  Your FI only has one Dad and you can't make him choose between the two of you.  Your FFIL will be in your life, but you should expect your FI to stick up for you.  He shouldn't stand by and watch anyone treat you like garbage, but especially not someone in his family.

Good luck.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_problems-future-father-law-etcugh-sorry-ramble?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:04d4d4e7-15a8-408f-9008-6d1b0cec3fc0Post:062d9a69-595f-4c6d-9077-d70688126299">Re: Problems with future father in law etc..ugh sorry if I ramble on</a>:
[QUOTE]Whoa, I only read part of that. If your FI isn't standing up for you when you feel mistreated by his father, then you have a FI problem, not a FFIL problem. If your FI wants papabear to move in with you despite your objections, that is a FI problem, not a FFIL problem. If you're upset that FI goes hunting with dad rather than spending time with you, that is a FI problem It seems like the problem lies primarily with your FI.  His dad may be a dbag but all the other issues point to your FI. <strong>You guys are still both very young and have been dating since you were basically fetuses</strong>.  You just recently entered the age when adult relationships are possible.  I would give that relationship some SERIOUS scrutiny to make sure it isn't stuck in its high school roots.... seems like there are some serious maturity issues to address.
Posted by katelynbrian[/QUOTE]

Hehe. That made my crappy night just a little better.

brilibby4

First of all, I find it very hard to believe you made the Dean's List based on the grammar and spelling (or lack there of) that you just showed us.  Nevertheless, be the bigger person.  I would feel SO rude spending time in my future in laws' house and not talking to them.  Grow up and be respectful.

However, I agree with PPs who say this seems like more of a fiance problem than a FFIL problem.  He needs to stand up for you and it definitely sounds like he needs to have his own place.  If you two want to be treated like adults you need to start acting like adults.  Stop making silly excuses for yourself because it is just making you look more immature.

trix1223

I'm going to assume that your FI is your first and only boyfriend, since you've been "dating" him since you were 14 years old.  That can work, but the mom in me wishes that you had other experience with dating and understanding how women SHOULD be treated. 

Because your FI and his father are not treating you well.  And you don't realize it.  You "love" your FI, but he puts his father before you, and allows his father and his father's gf to talk smack about you.

And now he's told you that once you're married, his freeloading, alcoholic daddy will either live with you or near you~like next door near you?

Sweetie, I'm a mom of three adults.  I've been MOB and MOG, so here's a mama talk for you.  I did not raise our DD's to be treated the way you're being treated.  Their dad is an incredible role model for respecting and honoring women.

While I'm only hearing your side of the story here, it's enough to make me say that I think you need to, at the very least, insist that you and your FI start to attend couple's counseling before you EVER set a date.

Actually, if you were my DD, I'd have a serious conversation with you, asking you to give serious thought to whether this is how you want to live for the rest of your life, and how you want your own daughters treated should children come into your life.

Because I see a future of your DH and his daddy shutting you out, your DH giving his daddy money that should be used for you and your family, and an unhappy woman.

I'd advise you to take a break from this relationship, and give yourself a chance to learn how a woman should be treated.  Because you don't know yet.

LoveMuffins

Ok, I made it through the whole chunk, but I agree with the PPs. This sounds like an FI problem. Dad gets to make the rules in his own home, no matter how unreasonable and unwelcoming they are, and FI needs to grow up and get out of there. And it sounds like he may have some Daddy issues, since he wants to take his Dad with him when he goes.

Now that you've graduated, why don't you concentrate on yourself for awhile? Go get a job, and set yourself up. You say your place is noisy, are you living with family or friends? If with family, this sounds like a good time to move to a new place and start getting your life together. Stop waiting for your FI to do it with you, it sounds like he's still stuck in little kid land and you're ready to grow up. So go ahead and grow - hopefully he'll follow your lead.

JJWillis3

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_problems-future-father-law-etcugh-sorry-ramble?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:04d4d4e7-15a8-408f-9008-6d1b0cec3fc0Post:2afcda30-4c74-4cad-bc47-d20373f6fcbb">Re: Problems with future father in law etc..ugh sorry if I ramble on</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Now that you've graduated, why don't you concentrate on yourself for awhile? Go get a job, and set yourself up. You say your place is noisy, are you living with family or friends? If with family, this sounds like a good time to move to a new place and start getting your life together. Stop waiting for your FI to do it with you, it sounds like he's still stuck in little kid land and you're ready to grow up. So go ahead and grow - hopefully he'll follow your lead</strong>.
Posted by LoveMuffins[/QUOTE]

I agree with this completely. I also agree with the Motherly PP. It sounds to me like you two are very young (mentally and by your years) and that you need some life experience. I don't mean for this to hurt your feelings. it sounds like you are pretty sensative and that is not what I mean to do.

I would rather have your feelings be a little hurt by me, than have your life wasted on something that you thought was love. It sounds like Puppy Love to me.

LisaChris2011

I agree with the first response to you, dad's house, dad's rules.  In fact I'm surprise he hasn't made you pay rent for the times you spend the night there a few days in a row on a weekly basis.  He is in his right to do that!

Also, go to their Christmas gathering, act gracious and give his dad a Christmas hug. Part of growing up is being a woman of maturity, grace and class.  Show that.

J&K10910

Yeah, you have a FI problem.  Someone needs to cut some ties. 

vegasgroom

Congrats on making it through the first four years, I know when I was 16 through 19 I'd have had no interst whatsoever in a girl two years younger than me, especially after I was in college.

In either case, sounds like your FI has learned his relationship skills from his divorced dad who talks about you behind your back and those will be some hard habits for you to break him of, especially at his age.  I had similar issues with the first couple relationships I had after high school, always put my boys and partying first, took me a few relationships and many years to figure things out, I wasn't hearing any of that from the girls I was dating at the time.  If you only see him on the weekends, the fact that he'd rather go hunting than hang out with you is a second questionable sign...

How far off is your wedding?

garcias1

I'm going to give advice that I've given before.  FI needs to move out of his dad's house and live on his own for a while.  He can live with or without you, but he needs to get out from under daddy's roof.  Since he pays rent, it's a good sign that he will probably adjust easily to paying bills.  But I am firm believer that people need to live on their own and pay their own bills in order to finish the "growing up" process.  Marriage is a grown up decision, and if you rely on your parents to get by, then you may not be mature enough to make that decision yet.

Hietaro

Yeah, I agree with PP, especially Motherly PP. I'm sorry, but I really don't think that a 23 year old should still be living with his parent(s) unless he's going to school, especially if he has a job. Then again, I've been out of my parents house since I was 17. And I definitely would not even consider a wedding with a man like that until he moved out on his own or in with me for a while. He needs to see how the real world is first.

The fact that he wants his father to live with you or move next door to you is very alarming. I agree with PP that he definitely has some daddy issues, especially if he refuses to stand up to him about you. I know it's hard to confront parents, but do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who can't even stand up to his parents about you? But on the same token, you seriously need to put on your big girl panties and tell his dad that you don't appreciate the smack talk. If he doesn't allow you to come over there after that, then that's in his right. So either you confront him or you don't complain about what he says. If you guys can only see each other on the weekends and he says you can't come over anymore, than you guys need to find somewhere else to go or get your own place.

I also agree with vegas that it is very weird that if you guys only see each other on the weekends, why does he run off with daddy and leave you to your own? He's got all week to spend daddy/son time, so it's pretty weird that he would just ditch you when he barely gets to see you. You most certainly have a fiance problem, not a FFIL problem. I agree with the other girls that you need to have a conversation with this boy [and yes, I will say boy even though he is older than me because he still lives with daddy and can't go anywhere without daddy, so he is still a boy] about how you feel and find out where he stands. If he refuses to hear you out or tells you you're being unreasonable or anything that isn't the equivilant of "Ok, hunny, I understand where you're coming from. Let's talk about our options," then you need to reevaluate your relationship.

MyNameIsNot

I wouldn't even consider marrying this guy until he moves out of his dad's house and has been on his own for at least a year.  He's no where near ready to make that kind of commitment.  

cmm4ever

I will just drop the subject at least on here because I do not think anyone got what I said. Sorry that I was aggravated and spelled incorrectly because at the moment I did not really give a you know what about my grammar. I have been on the Dean's List my whole college career and it is a difficult college...for who ever mentioned that. I think that is a bit immature and like no-one who responded did not use improper grammar I think someone said grammer? Anyways, that was not what I came on here for. I actually am really mature for my age, always have been, as well as very responsible. My fiance does get how I feel I can not change his father however. So I love my fiance and know what I want, just have to figure out this I guess. I can already hear the comments coming. I guess that's why were all different. I also probably left some stuff out, I did not write everything it would take forever. Thanks anyways.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_problems-future-father-law-etcugh-sorry-ramble?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:04d4d4e7-15a8-408f-9008-6d1b0cec3fc0Post:cc866440-cb8c-415f-864b-bd62ee858a9d">Re: Problems with future father in law etc..ugh sorry if I ramble on</a>:
[QUOTE]I will just drop the subject at least on here because I do not think anyone got what I said. Sorry that I was aggravated and spelled incorrectly because at the moment I did not really give a you know what about my grammar. I have been on the Dean's List my whole college career and it is a difficult college...for who ever mentioned that. I think that is a bit immature and like no-one who responded did not use improper grammar I think someone said grammer? Anyways, that was not what I came on here for. I actually am really mature for my age, always have been, as well as very responsible. My fiance does get how I feel I can not change his father however. So I love my fiance and know what I want, just have to figure out this I guess. I can already hear the comments coming. I guess that's why were all different. I also probably left some stuff out, I did not write everything it would take forever. Thanks anyways.
Posted by cmm4ever[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>You realize that "I'm mature for my age" is code for "I'm really immature," right?  Every single child says that they are mature for their age.  Saying makes you sound like you are really immature.</div><div>
</div><div>In any event, even if you really are mature for your age, your FI is not adult enough to be considering marriage.  If he's under his father's thumb, he's still a child.  Let him grow up some before you consider marrying him.  Marrying a child is a recipe for disaster.  </div><div>
</div><div>When a few years have passed, and you've both grown up a little, you will look back on this and laugh at how niave you are now.  

</div>

J&K10910

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_problems-future-father-law-etcugh-sorry-ramble?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:04d4d4e7-15a8-408f-9008-6d1b0cec3fc0Post:cc866440-cb8c-415f-864b-bd62ee858a9d">Re: Problems with future father in law etc..ugh sorry if I ramble on</a>:
[QUOTE]I will just drop the subject at least on here because I do not think anyone got what I said. Sorry that I was aggravated and spelled incorrectly because at the moment I did not really give a you know what about my grammar. I have been on the Dean's List my whole college career and it is a difficult college...for who ever mentioned that. I think that is a bit immature and like no-one who responded did not use improper grammar I think someone said grammer? Anyways, that was not what I came on here for. I actually am really mature for my age, always have been, as well as very responsible. <strong>My fiance does get how I feel I can not change his father however</strong>. So I love my fiance and know what I want, just have to figure out this I guess. I can already hear the comments coming. I guess that's why were all different. I also probably left some stuff out, I did not write everything it would take forever. Thanks anyways.
Posted by cmm4ever[/QUOTE]

Right, he gets it, but he doesn't care enough to try to change it.  Which is even worse, IMO.

weeonekasey

In this many years you should have honestly figured out how to deal with the status quo, or had it fixed WITH your FH. Your FFIL may be dependant on your FH and feel threatened, but on the other hand FH should be in your corner, and willing to show you his partnership, and make changes.
I had issues with my FILs and acting the adult and going to them with my concerns without backstabbing and trying to have my FH to tell them to back off. WE as a team, as a family, went to them. We told them respectfully we will soon all be a family and need to act like it. I had to do all this before getting engaged or even talking about it. You may in real life be very mature, and I am not debating that you may be very smart in school. But to be smart in life and love you need to understand it will not be easy. People cant respect you if you do not give them a reason, or talk to them. Someday if you want to start a family you will need to stand up for your life, and your kids lives, especially if your FFIL is a drunk. You cant have them see you getting treated that way, and letting others.

aerinpegadrak

1)  No one who is actually mature for their age has to say so, it comes across in how they carry and present themselves.  I'm only 24, but I've never once had to defend my age on here because I write like an adult.  Hell, I even have a keyboard that has issues with keys not working at times (it currently hates "o"), but I still make sure things are typed correctly before I hit "Add Post."  Given that you're only 21, I'm guessing the "college" you graduated is the junior or community type, yeah?

2)  His house, his rules.  I went through something similar (I think, I couldn't read your entire post) with DH when he was living with his dad's family (kind of a long story, he'd been on his own for a while but moved in with them when he came down here to take a job), and I wasn't allowed to stay overnight, or in his room with the door closed, or shortly before he moved out, in his room at all.  FIL tried to pin this on his wife being uncomfortable (this being the woman who was dead-set on buying me a stripper for my bachelorette, I kind of doubt that), and though we grumbled about it, we played along.  I may have thought the rule was unreasonable, but it never would have occurred to me not to follow it.

3)  It is painfully clear to pretty much everyone except you that your FI considers his dad to be more important than you.  That's not okay, and there's nothing you can do to change that.  I personally would never even consider thinking about marrying a man who places anyone but you very first.  Someday he might grow up to the point where he's willing to put his partner first, but I think that's probably going to be a while, and that eventual partner probably isn't going to be you unless you guys take some serious time apart.

4)  As I sort of said earlier, DH lived about an hour from me when I was in college (the four-year kind), and we had horribly incompatible schedules.  But he would come up to my dorm on his days off and I would see him between classes, I would go down to have dinner with him and his family when it was his night to cook, and we'd try to do stuff on weekends if I wasn't too busy.  We made time for each other, and we made it work, because we wanted to spend as much time together as we possibly could.  That's how a normal and healthy relationship is supposed to work, and most of the girls here can tell you similar stories of their own relationships.

5)  Reading some of this thread to DH, his theory is that if his entire family doesn't like you and he himself isn't wanting to spend time with you, perhaps they have a legitimate gripe with you.  If you're really insistent on trying to make this work, maybe you should try to figure out WHY none of them seem to like you rather than just assuming they're all such big meanies.