Feeling alienated.

MrsG2B83

As many of you may have read in a previous post, I was hit with a nice little wave of negativity yesterday by a friend.

Apparently she is not alone.

My FI and I hit a rough patch over the summer and while I tried to put on a happy face, the cracks showed. MY family and friends offered their shoulders to cry on, their ears to bend and their couches to sleep on.

Of course now that things are mending between us (we've been going  to counseling with our church), everybody else is still mad. They pretty much all expected me to leave him, just like that. I wish I would have kept the whole thing to myself.

One of my friends is "concerned" and not afraid to throw in a snide remark now and then. My aunt calls him "Jackass". A close family friend starts nearly every sentence with "I don't HATE him, but......" Forget fighting my FI, THEY'RE the ones hurting me now.

I've never been the girl to tell people where to shove their opinions, but I think I may need to be. I'm literally sitting up about to cry because I can't stand to be torn between people who I love and the man that I'm about to marry. It's not as simple as "y'all just won't see each other" because we have a son and there will be things that both sides will have to be there for. But I'm contemplating drawing my line in the sand and saying "let's just squash this and say you're not in the wedding (or not invited) if you can't keep your comments to yourself".

AdeleDazeem

My fiance and I dated for a very long time before we got engaged.  We started dating around 20 and faced some growing pains as we graduated college and tried to set up our lives.  This lead to some poor behavior and an evental break up.

The break up was about 70:30 him:me so I spent a great deal of time upset.  I knew it was the right thing to be apart, but I was devastated and told pretty much any one in ear shot that I was miserable.  Fast forward two years, we were mending the hurt past between each other and trying to get back on track.

Only one person supported me - my sister.  Why?  Because many people could only think of the pain I was in during our time apart.  They didn't want to see me go through it again.  Obviously, I didn't want to go through it again so I was moving gingerly and was very aware of my own feelings.  No one else knew or realized this (or cared, truthfully).  It took awhile for my family and him to be okay again.

My point?  You have to remember that these people love you and saw you at the worst of the moments between you and your fiance.  They aren't going to give up their own concerns just because you say "oh no, things are fine!" 

Time heals a lot of wounds - your own and your family's.  They aren't doing this to hurt you - they're doing it to remind you of the pain in the past, the pain that could happen again, and how they never want to see you go through it again.

Give it time.

kimp67

Wow you're in a tough spot, I'm sorry you're going through this.  Whenever someone makes a comment I would calmy tell them, please don't talk that way he's the man I'm going to marry.

abgpal11

Without knowing what the rough patch was about, I might be completely off on this.  But I'm going to play devil's advocate...

I understand that yes, it hurts your feelings when they say things.  However, have you tried to see it from their perspective?  Their feelings are probably hurt too.  For whatever reason, you were hurt, they offered a shoulder to cry on and helped you.  Maybe they feel like what they did meant nothing or it hurts their feelings because they were there for you and maybe they think you didn't listen/appreciate it.  (Not saying you did.  I'm just trying to say what I think they might be thinking). 

And while it's good that you and your FI were able to fix whatever was wrong, your friends and family probably are more skeptical.  They watched someone they love be hurt and they don't want that to happen again, so they're protective.  While their comments might not be appropriate, you can't really blame them for the motivation behind it.  They are trying to look out for you, so I think it would be wreckless to un-invite all of these people.  If you are upset about this, you need to talk to the individual people one by one and explain your feelings.  If you just write everyone off, then you end up alienating yourself, and that's what you say you are trying to avoid in the first place.

Again, without knowing the back story, this might be inapplicable.  However, as someone who has been down that road, might I suggest taking the time to listen to their concerns?  Aside from how well you know yourself, your friends and family know you the best.  I was in a terrible relationship with a guy that I thought was absolutely perfect.  But everyone else hated him and I felt like I was the one being attacked for dating him and that they were being cruel.  In hindsight, however, I see that they were just really worried about me.  Every time he would make me cry, all of these people would take care of me and make me feel better.  I would always forgive him, and then he would end up doing it again.  After a while, all they did was clean up his mess.  They were tired of watching him hurt me and they were tired of watching me let him do it.  So I can't blame them for not liking him.  If it was the other way around, I probably wouldn't have liked him either.  But I was so determined to believe that he and I were going to make it work that I ended up pushing everyone else that cared about me away. 

My point here is to say, please don't say "the heck with you" to everyone in your life for the sake of one person.  Putting all of your eggs in one basket is a risky game. 

mkrupar

Joy hit the nail on the head. Your family only remembers the pain you went through, and he was the cause of that. Of course they'll be concerned for some time. What if it happens again? Would you go back again? They see a cycle and don't want you to continue it. The only thing they have is your word, and your actions that everything has been mended.

Think of it this way, If you burn you hand on the stove, are you going to stick your hand on the hot stove again? They view you getting back with him as you putting you hand back on the hot stove.

jmkes

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_feeling-alienated?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:0720b7c5-8f56-456c-8453-60bebbecd65fPost:464b5976-6263-493f-bbf4-5a8f33d28f37">Re: Feeling alienated.</a>:
[QUOTE]My mom told me that couples should <strong>never discuss their problems with friends & family because while you may forgive and forget, friends and family never will.</strong> 
Posted by skippylouwho[/QUOTE]

All of these ladies are right.  Your family saw you through pain and hurt with him, their natural instinct is to protect you from someone who put you through that.  Though things may be better now, they still remember. 

Case and point: my brother's first wife was horrible and treated him very, very badly.  I no way shape or form did I want them to get married and I let him know that I would support him, but I did not want them to get married.  Well she kept being herself after they got married and ended up getting divorced a year and a half later (she ended up pregnant by someone else about 2 months after they got divorced.)  I wanted to keep him from the pain that I could see coming but he couldn't see.  I just had to let him go and do what he thought was best, but it killed me to see him get hurt repeatedly.

Your family cares, they want to keep you from what they see as a potentially harmful situation.  You would probably do the same for them.

alainn15

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_feeling-alienated?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:0720b7c5-8f56-456c-8453-60bebbecd65fPost:33e295c8-fd27-438f-ac9a-ddbe54251de1">Feeling alienated.</a>:
[QUOTE]But I'm contemplating drawing my line in the sand and saying "let's just squash this and say you're not in the wedding (or not invited) if you can't keep your comments to yourself".
Posted by MrsG2B83[/QUOTE]

Do this. It might hurt, but they might get the point. The purpose of a wedding guest is to show support for the couple. If they don't support your being together then whats teh point of inviting them to the wedding?