Chit Chat
Options

Bachelor party or serious headache?

«1

Re: Bachelor party or serious headache?

  • Options

    Lol, dang girl, that sucks...  Honestly, I wish I could be mature about it and say not to worry about it, but o I would be livid with him....  I don't get their point of a dirty bachelor party anyway, since he decided to get married, why would he even want some dirty chic grinding on him in the first place?? 
    I told, no wait, let my guy know that I really would be hurt if I found out he had to have a bachelor party like that.  I mean, would he want some random dude's .... rubbin on me?  Nope, would he want us out gettin all crazy with other dudes, HELL NO.  My thought is a bachelor is yes a guys last night out with his boys before he's married, but his choice, he asked, so have a good time, but remember that he's getting married, and think about it,...  if he wouldnt want me doing something...  then don't do it!  :)  Im sure though that it will be fine...  try not to worry too much. 

  • Options
    Im worried hes going to be gone, on some crazy adventure thing, for days. I wont know where he is or what hes doing. I hate not being able to talk to him, and if hes gone for days....he most likely wont even take his phone, because when its time for him and his friends, i am COMPLETELY excluded.
    I know his friends will try to pressure him into doing something that would hurt me...Hes the first to get married out of his little circle...so hes always the butt of the jokes and he might just do what they want because hes tired of the jokes.
    Does this make any sense?
  • Options
    It does sound immature to me and frankly if my fiance were threatening to go on an unknown trip for days where I couldn't contact him and thought his friends were up to no good then I'd be worried too.  But I am coming from a female perspective.  On the one hand I think you need to relax about it as this is probably normal stuff for bachelor parties, but on the other hand the fact that he is not taking your anxious feelings into consideration is a little bothersome.  Would it help if you sat him down and told him honestly that you want him to enjoy himself but you are worried about his friends? 
  • Options
    Yes, they are ridiculous. They talked him into taking a week off of work, back in November, so they could go to the midnight release of the new halo game and then play it for 48 hours straight.
    He did exactly what they asked....and even though he knew about the vacation and the plans for THREE weeks prior....he didnt tell me about it until 2 nights before. And during the summer...I returned home after an outing with my mother, and he was no where to be found....and REFUSED to answer his phone or my texts because he was with his friends.

    Its THEM I dont trust...
  • Options
    Can I ask how old he and his friends are?  Just curious. 
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_bachelor-party-serious-headache?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:08880635-23ed-4cc8-b236-24fd13ae51b3Post:3ee52857-4c40-4fcb-a370-d925f0601b76">Re: Bachelor party or serious headache?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bachelor party or serious headache? : Sounds like he needs new friend.  You don't have a bachelor party problem, you have a FI problem.  Why is he friends with people who would try to get him to hurt the woman he is marrying? Leaves his phone home so you can't get in touch?  EFF THAT
    Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]


    He does it all the time. Or claims he has no service when hes there. I hate feeling like this and taking out my anxiety on him...but i just want him to listen to me and compromise with me. But he wont. And the only leverage I have IS the wedding....But making him choose between his friends and me isnt right either.
    I wish we werent even having this stupid hen/stag party. I hate it!
  • Options
    I've already told mine that we can do whatever we want at our parties, but whatever one does, the other gets to do the exact same things. 

    Therefore, if he gets strippers, I get strippers.  If he gets a blowjob from one (which he won't), then I can have the female equivalent.  He goes to Vegas, then I get to go somewhere too. 

    He knows full well I'd do exactly what I'm telling him I'd do, too.  ;) 

    He's having a poker game instead.  I'll probably just have dinner and drinks out. 
  • Options
    my FI is 27. His friends range from 27-30
  • Options

    I would sit down and have a serious talk....   You are getting married, his friends may or may not stay in his life down the road, but he really needs to learn to put you  first...  You will be his wife!!!  Him not answering his phone ever and not letting you know whats up then that is not cool!!!!

  • Options
    Yes, September 15th....and he wants to have his sometime this summer.
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_bachelor-party-serious-headache?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:08880635-23ed-4cc8-b236-24fd13ae51b3Post:6ca78ae7-c533-4536-9e21-cc2e9f8d131e">Re: Bachelor party or serious headache?</a>:
    [QUOTE]my FI is 27. His friends range from 27-30
    Posted by jaymechaos[/QUOTE]
     
    Ok.  The whole Halo thing made me think early 20's but I don't really know.  Again, I'd try sitting him down and having an honest conversation without coming off like you're nagging or controlling (not that you are but it could be constued that way).  Do you think he would respond to that?
  • Options
    Im not planning anything. My MOH says she wants for us to go to the beach this summer and that will be as a gift to me.....im not having a bachlorette party per say....just going to the beach with my bridesmaids.
    His party is all he talks about....and all the fun theyre going to have. And how its going to be better then anything....and how drunk/high hes going to be at the end of the night.....
    Its just ridiculous.
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_bachelor-party-serious-headache?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:08880635-23ed-4cc8-b236-24fd13ae51b3Post:cba34188-1bcc-4ecc-9357-d8d58de9b394">Re: Bachelor party or serious headache?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bachelor party or serious headache? :   Ok.  The whole Halo thing made me think early 20's but I don't really know.  Again, I'd try sitting him down and having an honest conversation without coming off like you're nagging or controlling (not that you are but it could be constued that way).  Do you think he would respond to that?
    Posted by cokie216[/QUOTE]
     

    I am pretty sure he would just thing i was on the attack. Because his first reaction to anything involving his friends or his time away from me is to become defensive.
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_bachelor-party-serious-headache?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:08880635-23ed-4cc8-b236-24fd13ae51b3Post:c0116e57-73b9-4f0f-ad8d-487157aac50a">Re: Bachelor party or serious headache?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bachelor party or serious headache? :   I am pretty sure he would just thing i was on the attack. Because his first reaction to anything involving his friends or his time away from me is to become defensive.
    Posted by jaymechaos[/QUOTE]

    Hmm.  I wouldn't be okay with this as I think feeling comfortable to communicate yout feelings is essential in a healthy relationship.  Frankly I think you two have issues to work out that will only get worse once you're married.  Good luck. 
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_bachelor-party-serious-headache?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:08880635-23ed-4cc8-b236-24fd13ae51b3Post:d1c2548d-daa4-4201-8867-8acfb3f4fe30">Re: Bachelor party or serious headache?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to  Re: Bachelor party or serious headache? : In Response to Re: Bachelor party or serious headache? : Okay, I would ask him to stop talking about it since it's so far away. If this is bothering you this much, I wonder if some pre-marital counseling would be good for both of you.  The phone thing is standing out to me and you shouldn't need to worry about this so much.
    Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]


    I have already suggested that. He said if we need counseling now then there isnt any point in getting married.
    Trust me, dear ones....I feel as if I have exhausted all of my options....and my only other option for him to actually listen to me is to call off the wedding.
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_bachelor-party-serious-headache?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:08880635-23ed-4cc8-b236-24fd13ae51b3Post:d1c2548d-daa4-4201-8867-8acfb3f4fe30">Re: Bachelor party or serious headache?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to  Re: Bachelor party or serious headache? : In Response to Re: Bachelor party or serious headache? : Okay, I would ask him to stop talking about it since it's so far away.<strong> If this is bothering you this much, I wonder if some pre-marital counseling would be good for both of you.  The phone thing is standing out to me and you shouldn't need to worry about this so much.</strong>
    Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

    I agree. 
  • Options
    Obviously calling off the wedding would be difficult but it sounds like there isn't a whole lot of trust/communication/respect going on here.  Trust me that a marriage won't fix that. 
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_bachelor-party-serious-headache?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:08880635-23ed-4cc8-b236-24fd13ae51b3Post:32b59e59-b5f0-4636-9650-7f7bf22d201a">Re: Bachelor party or serious headache?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bachelor party or serious headache? : If he said that, I would seriously reconsider marrying him.  He sounds like he doesn't want to grow up.
    Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]


    Like i said....if things arent going to change.....then calling off the wedding just may be my only choice left.
    Its just....if he wants to do something, hes going to do it, regardless of my feelings or my disagreements.
  • Options
    I just couldn't marry someone like that.  A marriage is supposed to be a partnership.  I feel for you. 
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_bachelor-party-serious-headache?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:08880635-23ed-4cc8-b236-24fd13ae51b3Post:1f9fd9bf-8fa4-43e8-baf3-40e3d6c0c628">Re: Bachelor party or serious headache?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bachelor party or serious headache? : This is a big red flag to me. I hope I don't sound like I'm yelling at you.  I'm sorry :(  I would do some serious thinking.  You have a lot of time but I don't know if he will change.
    Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]


    No no....it doesnt sound like at all. I posted to begin withto hear peoples thoughts. Thank you everyone....Youve helped me relax a bit. Now i justhave to think everything through before I make a rational choice....and maybe TRY to have one last talk with him....
    But seriously, thank you...all.....so much.
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_bachelor-party-serious-headache?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:08880635-23ed-4cc8-b236-24fd13ae51b3Post:09bab842-075f-43a7-b29a-69638619db33">Re: Bachelor party or serious headache?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bachelor party or serious headache? : Please keep us updated.  Good luck.
    Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]



    i will. <3
  • Options
    I don't want this question to sound cynical or rude, but why do you want to marry this man? I mean that as a serious question. Have you really sat down and thought out all the reasons you want to marry him?

    I know weddings can be big blinders and make people forget that there's a whole lifetime after. To be completely honest, he sounds like a jerk. He sounds disrespectful and rude.

    It doesn't matter what your reasons are, you are uncomfortable with the wild stripper parties. He needs to respect that. If you are the type to set a lot of rules, and nag a lot, I could see them looking at this as the one time they can just do what they want without rules, but that doesn't seem the the issue in this case.

    It seems like you have some serious trust issues and you are well within your rights to. A man doesn't lie and say he has no phone service. A man doesn't blow off work for video games (no matter how much we all want to do that from time to time.) A man respects his wife/FI and will value her feelings more than his friends wishes.

    I wouldn't say your relationship is doomed, but you guys do need some serious counseling, even if its just to help you get the courage and tools necessary to build communication.
    imageWedding Countdown Ticker
  • Options
    Age isn't always a good indicator of maturity. He's 27, but he's acting like how a stereotypical newly turned 21 would act. You know the, "I just turned 21 and now I'm going to go to Vegas to get lap dances and get totally wasted with my bros!" attitude.

    You have to do what is best for you. Please do not get married to someone who isn't ready to be in a mature and loving relationship. GL!
    image
  • Options
    His friend is "gaslighting" you. He and his friends are convincing you that your reactions are unnatural and controlling, taking away their legitimacy. There is absolutely nothing wrong with telling your partner what are the appropriate boundaries for his behavior. That is basically what a relationship is, an established communication about how to best fulfill each others' awesome desires and never cross each others' boundaries. Should you two already have established boundaries that you trust him to never betray? Of course. But don't accept their mockery that it's disrespectful to ask your partner to have "rules"! All partnerships have rules, even flings have rules, even if they're really obvious and simple. "No physical contact from strippers/anyone but me" is a fair rule in any kind of relationship if everyone agrees to it! Their bachelor party should in no way be an exception to rules that are dealbreakers.

    That said, you have to trust him to do what's right without making up special rules. If you can't trust him, you can't trust him, and what kind of relationship are you in? I also have anxiety and I also discuss limits to appropriate behavior with my partner that other people should probably discuss but don't have to without panicking. But that's the thing about panicking: my partner sees it happening and tries to help me with it. He NEVER blames me for it, even when I do, and I certainly have, make unreasonable requests or say mean things. I need to work on not doing that, and so do you, but having a mental illness and a partner who is completely insensitive to it, let alone doesn't help you with it, doesn't sound like a relationship so much as a torture film.

    Here's the deal: I actually trust my partner. I trust him to break off unhealthy relationships with friends who convince him to self-harm, or remove himself from harmful situations when they arise. I would trust him to go to strip clubs, if he wanted, or BDSM play parties, or out for drinks alone with one or more female friends. We're doing a joint bachelor party, but I would trust him on his own and he wouldn't need to tell me the details or meet up with me halfway through...but those are things that might be nice, and I'd be pretty offended if he suddenly closed off the lines of communication with me just to test said trust. We talk openly often, and he knows where our boundaries are. I actually don't trust him to get drunk without someone he trusts, because he's been hurt while drunk before! Your FI's friends sound like terrible people who wouldn't remotely protect him, and I wouldn't trust your FI if he believes they're trustworthy.

    You can say you don't trust his friends as many times as you want, but if he colludes in their bad behavior, you don't trust him. He may need your support in fixing his behavior 'cause it's hard to set firm limits with people you love and I'm sure he loves his friends, but it better happen before you two make a lifelong pact.
    image
  • Options
    I was wondering the same thing as Lizee - why do you even want to marry him? To be perfectly blunt, he sounds like a total douche. Not because he wants a big bach party, but because of the way he handles said party and your feelings. And all that in addition to the fact that he is clearly too immature to have an adult relationship.

    Taking a week off work to play a video game? Frequently being gone for days and refusing to answer the phone? Hoping for a Hangover-type party with no care in the world for your feelings? Yeah, real winner. I think you're better off searching for a real man.
  • Options
    This is way bigger than a bachelor party. This guy treats you like crap. He is immature and easily influenced. If he isn't willing to communicate with you about the issues that bother you, then you shouldn't marry him. Couples are going to have disagreements from time to time, but you have to talk about them and work through them. He is clearly not willing to do that. And this isn't going to magically get better after you get married either.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers Image and video hosting by TinyPicImage and video hosting by TinyPic *This is not legal advice*
  • Options
    I've gone back and forth on this issue. I used to say, "Do what you want! It's your party." And then my friend got married, and we picked up my fiance, her now-husband and a friend so they didn't have to drive. The things these "strippers" did just did not sit well with me. Plus, they weren't pretty and were NOT in "stripper shape." I think there are strippers that do a fantastic job dancing on the pole, especially with the spins and the acrobatics. My fiance has "threatened" that same thing-i.e. just like the Hangover. And he and his boys are going to nashville for their party. I said, "Okay. Just remember, anything goes down that should not have, I will find out about it eventually  so don't like about it. And whatever you do, I get to do. And just think how you'd feel if someone was all over me inappropriately." I think that kind of made him realize that bachelor parties aren't what they are in the movies. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Options
    jemmini6jemmini6 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    I agree with PP's, I think you need to seriously reconsider this marriage.  This goes WAY beyond the bachelor party, he's rude, immature, disrespectful, and overall just sounds like a diick.

    If he's not willing to work on your relationship now, doesn't consider your feelings, thinks that he can do inappropriate things, etc, then you are in for a very difficult (and I'm sorry, but probably fairly short) marriage.  If he's flat out refusing pre-marital counseling, in addition to the issues you already have, that'd be a deal breaker for me personally.

    I really don't like to advise this, but I honestly think you need to call off the wedding.  That doesn't mean you have to break up completely, but I think you guys have some major issues you need to work on before you consider getting married, and you shouldn't have a looming deadline (the wedding) to fix them.  If he can't listen to your concerns about your relationship and takes calling off the wedding as breaking up, then honestly, he'd be doing you a favor because at that point, I don't think it'd even be worth salvaging this relationship.

    You sound like a very reasonable and nice person, so you deserve a man that will treat you with respect.  I sincerely hope that your FI can be that man (because you obviously love him for some reasons), but if he's not, then I wish you the best of luck to move on and find him eventually.
    Anniversary
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_bachelor-party-serious-headache?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:08880635-23ed-4cc8-b236-24fd13ae51b3Post:717781f9-87e8-4e7c-85a4-389af8b3970a">Re: Bachelor party or serious headache?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I was wondering the same thing as Lizee - why do you even want to marry him? To be perfectly blunt, he sounds like a total douche. Not because he wants a big bach party, but because of the way he handles said party and your feelings. And all that in addition to the fact that he is clearly too immature to have an adult relationship. Taking a week off work to play a video game? Frequently being gone for days and refusing to answer the phone? Hoping for a Hangover-type party with no care in the world for your feelings? Yeah, real winner. I think you're better off searching for a real man.
    Posted by Seshat411[/QUOTE]

    This 100%. It sucks, but he doesn't sound like he's ready or wanting to get married. Good luck
  • Options
    RamonaFlowersRamonaFlowers member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    My friend got married a few years back and the Best Man was notorious for always getting into "some wacky adventure" with the groom. The Best Man went around for months telling the bride how crazy it was going to be and that she better have bail money and a passport ready because they WERE going to end up in a Mexican prison.

    You know what they did? They rented a limo, went to a Stephen Lynch concert and then hung out in a bar in Atlantic City (A regular bar, not a strip joint) for a few hours before coming home. Chances are, the guys are exaggerating just to get your goat. And by flipping out about it, you're just feeding into it.

    If your FI really has it in him to cheat on you with a stripper or something "because his friends pressured him to", your FI has it in him to cheat on you period, so don't go blaming his friends for your reservations here. You need to re-evaluate the relationship if you really have so little trust in him.

    ETA: I somehow missed the part about him refusing to take his phone places/claiming there's no service when he goes off with his friends. Truthfully, he sounds like a child, not a 27-year-old adult. If he seriously shows you such blatant disrespect for you just to look like he's not "whipped" in front of his friends, he's not somebody you should be marrying.

    And not that you want to hear this, but I've only been with one guy that would "forget" his phone when he went out without me ... because he didn't want to go through the hassle of lying to whichever girl he was cheating on me with that night about "his cousin" calling.

    *I felt sorry for my husband before I met him. Take a number.*
    image

This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards