Money Guilt

roselyn81

I am not paying for my wedding entirely--my parents are footing the majority of the bill.  It will probably cost 50K for all of it. Now I am feeling massive guilt. Does or did any other of you brides feel this way?  My parents insisted that they throw a traditional wedding but I can't help but feel like this is too much to spend on one day. I know it's my special day and we only (hope) to get married once.  But I think about it...possible money towards a home, etc. How do you girls feel?

becs11048

Well, it is over a year away, so if you are feeling this way, why not scale it back?

meriamjuicy

Wow,  I would seriously talk with them about putting it towards a home if you aren't far along in the plans and wont lose a ton in deposits.  I couldn't live with spending that much for one day.

roselyn81

Already put in some of the deposits and I think we'd stand to lose over 10K.  This is a classic San Francisco wedding, and not done on the cheap although I was able to negotiate a lot.  The reception will be at a hotel, which will provide us with a free night stay, custom-made cake, all the food, beverage, alcohol, champagne toast, etc.   That piece comes out to 39k because our guest list is at 200....

becs11048

Yeah, a lot of that is due to where you are having it. Our wedding is in Milwaukee (where I am from) and which we picked over Chicago (where we now live) due to cost. We are spending half what we would have spent in Chicago and getting much more, top notch venue, food, flowers, etc. Maybe do something super nice as thank you gifts to your parents since you aren't contributing to the wedding?

notquiteblushing

I can definitely relate.  My parents chose a pricy place for our reception even though we offered cheaper alternatives.  So I feel a little guilty about them spending that much but I know how big a deal it is to them. I don't really feel guilty about the large amount of our own money we're spending though because it's helping us become prodigous savers.

roselyn81

Becs, I love your pictures. Your wedding is nearly what I envision for my own--especially the roses and the golden candlelit reception.  Thanks, notquiteblushing.  I had a similar experience. I kept suggesting we go smaller (invite only closest fam and friends) but my parents wouldn't have it. Then I said, what if we choose this venue instead and they chose the more pricey one.  So I'm trying not to let it get to me. I feel incredibly lucky that they want to do this for us and I know it will turn out beautiful so I am trying not to let the guilt creep in! We got the church reserved last month and just booked the hotel for our reception last week.  The first big thing to check off our list!  We have over a year to go!

notquiteblushing

We have a year too.  Are you on the July 2010 board at all?  It seems like far away but the past six months that we've  been engaged have flown by.  Happy planning!

roselyn81

notsoblushing: Actually, I am over a year away. Our date is September 2010!  I feel like we're right on schedule, especially since we have travel plans next month and October. Before we know it, we'll be swamped with the holiday season!Congrats to you on your one-year-away planning mark!  Where will your wedding be?

becs11048

Roselyn - thanks, this was my inspiration to start with, from one of the Brides magazines a while back http://tinyurl.com/ktqwkm

notquiteblushing

Our wedding is in Upstate NY in the Adirondack Mountains.  We thought it would be cheap since it's so far from a major city.  Turns out we were wrong.  :-(

roselyn81

I'm sure it's all the little things that are adding up. I'm sure that will be the case with me. I'm trying to stick to a budget but have a feeling things may be a little over....eek!

roselyn81

Notquite: I saw your wedding website (the link was at the bottom  of your posts) I loved reading your story and about your wedding!I have to ask, how did you manage to get a non-mass Catholic ceremony? I'd like to look into this one    

lyndausvi

I didn't feel guilty at all.  I let my parents pick out the venue based on what I wanted. So it was their choice to spend what they spent.Saving money and using it towards a home as not an option with my parents either.  Most of all my parents would NEVER spend money if they did not have it spend.  My parents are not the type to jeopardize their future for a party.   (plus they paid the same from my sister and brothers, so I know they truly enjoy hosting such events)

roselyn81

Lyn, that is the same case for me too Thanks for the advice.  My parents say the same thing to me, they wouldn't spend the money if they didn't have it to spend.

notquiteblushing

I was nervous because I've heard of some churches turning couples away...even those that are both Catholic...just because they're out of town.  But this particular church my grandparents used to go to and my cousin and uncle both got married there so I had a feeling they were lenient or at least would be with family of parishioners.  So I just called up and asked.  FI was nervous when we met with the priest but he was a cool guy and even told us we could incorporate some Jewish traditions in the ceremony.  We still have to do pre-cana but he said it would be mostly general pre-martial issues all couples face regardless of faith.

Kati0105

I can definitely sympathize.  I am hoping to be able to contribute, but my FI got laid off in November and has yet to find work so money is tight.  Our families both really wanted to have the traditional wedding, so I'm trying not to feel too guilty thinking about the cost but I do have some days where I freak out about it.  I am in LA so it is impossible to do an upscale wedding for 150 for under $30K.  Unlike your parents though mine do not have a ton of money and I know they are really stretching their wallets to pay for the wedding, which makes it even worse.  And to top it off my younger brother just got a massive annual bonus at work so he's going to be chipping in - serious self esteem killer.

jeannigirl

I am sorry but I think that is ridicolous to spend on one day. I would talk to Dad & Mom and tell them you would like to use some of that money for a down payment on a home. Thats a better investment for their money. You can have a nice wedding for half the cost. Scale it down.

lyndausvi

I would talk to Dad & Mom and tell them you would like to use some of that money for a down payment on a home.I can't speak for roselyn81, but it was not an option in my family.  It was the wedding or nothing.

notquiteblushing

Me too Lynda.  As much as I can fantasize about them cutting me a big fat check, it's their money and they're using it to throw my wedding.  End of story.

lyndausvi

some parents are like that.  They did pay for our education and gave us a generous gift, so no complaints on our end.

MidniteSun383

becs-do mind telling me where you found those cushion cut earrings? I love them! I'm also in Milwaukee...

peaceluvinbride

I would MUCH rather put that money towards a house!  The way I look at my wedding is like this.  In 40 or 50 years when we're telling our grand kids about our wedding we won't remember what we ate, what color our napkins were or what decorations we had.  The only things that matter to me are having great photos taken, my family and friends being there (along with my fiancee..obviously) and saying my vows.  I could do without everything else ESPECIALLY if I didn't have a house.  There's no way I could EVER justify spending fifty THOUSAND dollars on a wedding.  Hell, even if I HAD fifty grand to spend I don't think I COULD.  What costs fifty THOUSAND dollars???  If everything you're spending money on is TRULY important to you, more important than anything else you could use the money for than by all means, GO FOR IT!!  Otherwise, scale back a bit and use some of that money to go towards a home or  something.  Either way, I wish you the best of luck!!  Peace & Love!!!

ootmother2

Please don't feel guilty!Your parents would not have offered this if they could not afford it.  It does give parents a good feeling to give their daughter a lovely wedding so just appreciate it and say thanks.

mam677

I feel guilty over the $6K my family is shelling out so I understand. If you talked it over with them though and they feel comfortable with it, then maybe you just need to absolve yourself.

dsouldiva

I'm sure your parents wouldn't offer the money if they couldn't afford it.  With 200 guest there isn't going to be a cheap way to do it but you could still scale back, DIY and cut unneccesary whimsical things to bring down the cost.  You could also try and pay a bigger % yourself to cut down the guilt.$50,000 is a lot of money to spend on one day.  I'm sure it will be beautiful but just ask yourself if you really need everything you are paying out for.

Pirata13

FI & I are also doing a non-mass Catholic ceremony.  FI is not Catholic, so we wanted the ceremony without Communion.  Talk to the priest about it, most churches will do it. We are also attending the pre-Cana, FI had no problem with that. At first he thought he HAD to convert for us to be married in the church but I told him no, just the pre-Cana weekend.  I thought my parents might be upset that we weren't doing a full mass, but after realizing that FI & his fam aren't Catholic, my mom just said "oh, ok, well that makes sense then."

torontobride17

Don't feel guilty. This is what your parents want to do for you. They've probably been saving for it for some time. If they can afford it, think of it as a beautiful gift and enjoy it. It would be different if they were going into debt to afford it. Then I would definitely say yes, talk them out of it.It's really not for any of us to judge how other people spend their money.

roselyn81

Thanks all!  Like many on here, I had no option. It was either the wedding my parents wanted to pay for, or we would elope (which would cause major problems!)And yes, they are definitely ok financially speaking and can afford this. I know this will be just as much "their" party is it will be mine and my fiance's. I am going to enjoy it while sticking to the budget.  I think I've done pretty well with negotiating on venue/catering. 

RachaelA

My parents said that we had the option (wedding or house downpayment) when in reality we didn't. My mom wanted a huge fancy wedding. It wasn't my money to begin with so I didn't care. It made my mom happy to throw this huge party and my dad didn't care because my mom was happy.Its not your money to choose what to do with it. You could always try to sit down and talk to them, but in the end its what they want to spend it on.

Septwedding09

My parents are paying and sometimes I feel guilty. But the only thing I went overboard on was doing a band...an unnecessary cost but I was adament about it. I never thought for a second I could ask my parents for the cash towards a house instead. I mean, I'm sure if I had a backyard BBQ they would have offered, but I wouldn't have asked. I'm the only daughter and they saved and saved to throw me a beautiful wedding, not to buy me a house. Asking for cash instead would be like asking for a specific present.  And you're right, it's your special day and will only happen once :-)