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FMIL-zilla and flowers

This story could get really long but I'll try to keep it short. From the time we got engaged FMIL said she was going to pay for the flowers because "the groom's parents always pay for the flowers" and her cousin does flowers so she expected me to automatically go with the cousin. I said that I would check her out so as not to give her the impression that it was a definite decision. A few months ago I saw a florist at a bridal show who I really liked. So a couple weeks ago I decided it was time to book a florist. I spoke to FMIL who wanted nothing to do with the other florist and told me if I wanted to meet with her cousin now I could look up the phone number myself because the cousin said I didn't have to meet with her until a month before the wedding (we're 8 months away now). After meeting with both florists my mom and I both fell in love with the florist from the bridal show and were not happy with the cousin. After discussing this with FI we decided that we were going to go with the one I liked. FI and I approached FMIL about it saying that the prices weren't much different and I was more comfortable with the other florist and liked her ideas better. I thought it was fair. FMIL blew up on me like you would never believe! She was yelling and screaming at me like an animal. And to make it worse FFIL joined in. FI got so mad that he started yelling back at her. I, on the other hand, do not yell and scream so I tried to stay as calm as possible. After about 10 minutes of this I finally got up and said "You know, I knew you were going to be upset, but I never imagined that you would act like this!" And I ran out of the house with FI following and we left. FI and I both still live with our parents so I can't exactly stay away from her. But I refuse to go over there until I get an apology or at least talk about this. FI is now mad at me because I refuse to go to his house. He just wants to forget the whole thing happened but I can't do that after she yelled at me like that. As far as I'm concerned she needs to know that the way she treated me is unacceptable. I feel like if I just let it go she will think it's ok and I will have to deal with this for the rest of my life and tha's not going to happen! Any opinions? Sorry for the long post. I just had to vent!

Re: FMIL-zilla and flowers

  • Wow! That is out of control! If my FMIL yelled at me like that I would cry like a baby & run away! LOLI guess I see why she's upset, but she did not have to react like that. It's YOUR wedding, & you should definitely use the florist that YOU want to use. Will it be a financial problem if she refuses to pay for the flowers after all?
  • That sucks.  I think you're totally right in not putting up with that type of behavior.  Your FI may have gotten so used to his parents that it doesn't phase him how out of control yelling and screaming is.  Setting boundaries with your FMIL and FFIL is a good thing.
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  • Do you think you can talk with her and remain composed? If not, I'd suggest writing her a letter or email explaining how being screamed at made you feel and ask her to not speak to you like that in the future. Basically, be firm but polite. Don't sink to her level.By refusing to go over there, I think you're on the way to sinking to her level. Be the bigger person.Oh, and pay for your own flowers so you can do whatever you want without having to go through that again.Good luck
  • Well, you were the wrong one in the first place.  When she offered to pay, it meant that she got to call the shots there.  Clearly, her offer meant using her cousin.  It was really hurtful to say that her offer wasn't good enough but that you wanted something else instead.  If she really blew up like you said, it was inappropriate.  The fact that she was provoked doesn't excuse her behavior, but it clearly wasn't out of nowhere.You are going to have to deal with this sooner or later.  If you want to be an adult and the bigger person, you can first apologize for your mistakes and see if she responds in kind. 
  • 99% of the time, $ comes with strings attached.  Sounds clear to me that she said she would pay for the flowers because she expected you to use her cousin (who - BTW, she would probably get a discount from).It is your choice to use someone else, however, you can't expect her to pay in this situation. The conversation should have gone something like this:"FMIL, we found a florist that we both really like.  I know that you said that you wanted us to use cousin, but we decided to go with the other florist.  Thank you for your offer to pay, but I understand if you don't want to because we went with someone else."
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  • Well she made it perfectly clear that she "would not pay for anyone else and will have nothing to do with it!" I calmly replied "that's fine." My parents, who are paying for the rest of the wedding, said that they had no problem paying for the flowers and did not expect her to. My mom even told her this personally. And that discussion was before the fight. As for whoever said that she should call the shots because she was paying for it. Sorry I do not agree. My parents are paying for everything else and they are not forcing me to go with who they pick. And I'm not one to want anything extravagant so there are no issues. Actually, I'm more of the type to shop around for prices. And I'm sure you didn't let all paying parties make the decisions for you. As I said, I knew she would be upset, but that was completely uncalled for. What upsets me now is that she is causing issues between my FI and I. And that's just not cool And the reason I do not want to go to her house is that I do not feel welcome in a place that I was yelled and screamed at.
  • >>FI and I both still live with our parents so I can't exactly stay away from her. But I refuse to go over there until I get an apology or at least talk about this. FI is now mad at me because I refuse to go to his house. I wouldn't go over there ever again. No need. You have no business and no friendship with his parents. Your FI is "courting" you which means HE comes to YOUR house. And if FI is "mad" about you not coming over to his PARENTS' house (not HIS house), then there is something very wrong here...
  • "He/she who has the money, makes the rules". You need to understand that it's her money, and she can go with whomever she chooses. She was probably getting a family discount by using the cousin and may not be able to afford using another florist.She had no right to yell and scream, but you also need to be the bigger person and talk it out instead of avoiding her.As for your parents letting you choose who you want to use, that's their choice. Your mom is probably going to these consultations with you since she is paying, and has the right to veto your opinion if she chooses. If you do not like her opinion (or whom ever is paying) be a "big girl" and accept with grace or decline and pay for it yourself.
  • If FMIL acted as you said, she needs to get over herself. If you decided to go with the other florist, I think it sounds like you will be paying. But do what you want - don't go with FMIL's cousin just because she would pay for the flowers. I think it would be a good idea to approach FMIL and try to smooth things over with her. It is great that FI stood up for you, but these are his parents and I think it will be good down the road if you have a positive relationship with them. I know that you feel that she was in the wrong and I don't know either one of you, but it just seems like this is a silly reason to avoid each other. And it is certainly a terrible thing to drive a wedge between you and FI. If you want to talk about it (as you said) you will need to take initiative to do that or I'm afraid that she might think like your FI and just want to sweep this incident under the rug. I hope you are able to work through this.
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  • All I can say is... Your wedding, Your way!!! Don't do things you don't want to, it's your day. You dont want to look back at your wedding day that you wernt happy with because of other people forcing you to go with things you wernt happy with. If you FMIL can't deal with that, then honestly that is her problem. YOUR WEDDING!!!!
  • For real, Kristin? Courting? They both need to grow up and resolve this like adults. This is not only her FI's issue. She is going to have to deal with FMIL for a very loooong time and from the sounds of it, they will also have issues in the future. Again, I agree with Tide.
  • 1. Assuming that she would pay for your favorite when she wanted to help support cousin was unkind. You should have said that you and fi were paying for flowers since you wanted other then what she was offering . 2. FMIL was out of line yelling at you without a doubt3. FI was out of line yelling at his mom4. Running out of the room was a immature response5. Fi should appologize to his mom for yelling at her 6. You both should apologize for assuming she would pay for a gift you would like better rather then teh very kind first offer. 7. You should continue to be cordial and refusing to go to her house out of snit is just not productive All 3 of you are acting like spoiled brat 12 year olds since you can not control others actions at least act well yourself
  • From your post, it sounds clear to me that even though she said she'll pay for the flowers, the hidden end of that sentence was "...as long as you use my cousin." On the one hand, she shouldn't have offered if she wasn't prepared for the outcome that you might want a different florist; but on the other, it's her money and ultimately, her decision. Where you're wrong is refusing to go over there until you get an apology. She isn't your friend you had a fight with; she's your future mother in law, and this must be creating a very awkward situation for your FI -- especially since he still lives with her. It's good that he's on your side, but you have to be adult about this or you're going to be in for a very long and miserable family life. She was wrong for not setting the expectation on the front end about the cousin, but you were wrong for just running out of the house and refusing to return like a moody teenager. It doesn't sound like she's going to apologize to you. So what to do? Be cordial and civil to her, and just be the bigger person about it. You'll probably run into these sorts of problems again with her, and FI will have to handle it. But running away and then sulking in the corner until you get an apology isn't going to fix anything at all.
  • Hi Casey,First off, let me say that I'm so sorry you have to deal with this unnecessary stress before your big day.  Personally, I don't think you did ANYTHING wrong.  She agreed to pay for the flowers, and if there were strings attached, she should have verbalized this to you.  She should not have assumed that because you knew her cousin was a florist, you would automatically choose her.  Furthermore, the fact that your own parents were willing to pay for the flowers should have suggested that her offer was indeed a kind gesture, but she was by no means the authority on all things flower-related.The really troublesome issue here is the way that she spoke to you.  (I applaud you for not entering the screaming match.)  If she screamed at you, chances are it won't be the last time she does.  If I were you, I'd write her a letter and calmly, unemotionally explain a few things.1.  You are very sorry for the confusion.  You wish that she had verbally specified that the only way in which she would pay for flowers was if the florist was her cousin.  If you had known the facts as they are, you would have politely declined and let your parents pay for the florists.2.  The manner in which she spoke to you was abusive and unacceptable.  You will never tolerate being spoken to so disrespectfully and would appreciate it if she never do this again to avoid further hurt feelings.  Furthermore, she should know that screaming at someone doesn't make an argument any better, it simply makes it louder.3.  You were extremely offended by the manner in which she spoke to you, would like an apology, and understand that she may not want to apologize but not doing so would only continue to get your relationship off to a poor start.4.  You will not go to her house again until she either apologizes or verbally confirms that she has received your letter and will not speak to you that way again.Hope that helps.
  • I have read all the comments that everyone wrote and it shows alot of different views but their pretty good advice on the whole. I am looking at this from the outside and what I see is miscommunication between the two of you. I think that it is fantastic that she wanted to pay for the flowers but from what you wrote was you thought that she expected you to go with cousin. Not sure if she spoke those words to you, thats not really clear. Sad but true that when someone offers the majority of the times their are some strings attached and they want to have the say where their money goes. I do understand that you did not expect for it to go down that way, and you were not prepared for that, yes its emotional when someone freaks out on you. You appeared to try and keep calm but you ran from the situation. I know that you do feel like you need to be vindicatated and yor probably right. I don't condone yelling and screaming has it gets nowhere. I would go to her and apolize that you may have misunderstood her intentions on paying for the flowers and you would like to clear the air and woek together. You may explain to her why you choose the other florist. You all need to act like adults and take responsibility for the outcome and then move on from here. If you are waiting for her to apolize you may never get that and their be contuine to be bad blood between you new IL. Step up and be that better person. I do hope that it all works out for the best and that you can all enjoy the wedding planning.
  • Kristin . . that response = fail They're engaged. . not courting. Both parties should realize that everyone is an adult and should behave like an adult (not to say that the OP isnt) I completely understand the deal of not wanting to go to the FI's house. But I do believe that you should regain contact with them in some form (via phone, email, FI). Otherwise, this little bump will cause grudges that will linger and from the sounds of it, you dont want that in your life. Personally, I would decline their offer to pay for flowers and do it yourself (your family). This way there is no obligations to make her happy (which yes, if they're paying for it, they do get some say so, but not all)I wish you best of luck with all of this!! Fighting is no fun at all, especially when its supposed to be a wonderful and fun planning process! Good Luck!!P.s. I've never heard of the Grooms family paying for flowers?? Is this common? Thanks! :)
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  • All I can say is... Your wedding, Your way!!! Don't do things you don't want to, it's your day. You dont want to look back at your wedding day that you wernt happy with because of other people forcing you to go with things you wernt happy with. If you FMIL can't deal with that, then honestly that is her problem. YOUR WEDDING!!!!I reeeeeally hope this is sarcasm.
  • NCSU - back when etiquette dictated who paid for what, I think the groom (or his family) paid for the bridal bouquet as well as the boutonnieres and corsages.  When I ordered my flowers, my FMIL insisted on paying 1/2 even though I told her that I felt that we should be paying for our own wedding.  She said that she always thought the groom's family paid for the flowers and so she persisted and I gave in (it seemed important to her).By the way, I assume NCSU is NC State, right?  My FI is a huge fan of NC State sports.
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  • Joesgirl: Thanks for clearing that up. . My FI aunt (God love her) has sent us a ton of emails on how to do things properly, and this has never been in any of them. . Im not bringing it up to them or anything, it was just something I hadn't heard of before. Interesting to know though, so thank you!: ) Yes, your guessed correctly!! Kudos to you and your FI! Tis a great school with good teams (for the most part. . . however I'll admit that football has been a bit down in the past two years )
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  • Casey-I think both of you were wrong with aspects of how this was handled.  Additionally, I certainly would not take the advice of cath3888 if I were you.  Your FMIL is not a child and should not be spoken to as one. You need to resolve this issue with your FMIL.  A letter is childish and can be misinterpreted.  Go to her house and talk to her.  Start by apologizing that things got so out of control and go from there.
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  • Your FI needs to confront your FMIL about treating you that way. I would not go over there either until I got an apology from her.
  • And I'm sure you didn't let all paying parties make the decisions for you.Well, seeing as how we paid for our own wedding, you're absolutely correct. Pay = say. Don't like it? Pay for your wedding yourselves. That's what grown-ups do. If you can't afford to pay for the wedding of your dreams yourselves, maybe you should hold off until you can.Oh, and for future reference, don't compare the way your family does things to the way his family does things. Different = different, different =/= wrong.
  • From: gkb0910 Date: 8/11/2009 at 4:38 PM Casey-I think both of you were wrong with aspects of how this was handled. Additionally, I certainly would not take the advice of cath3888 if I were you. Your FMIL is not a child and should not be spoken to as one. You need to resolve this issue with your FMIL. A letter is childish and can be misinterpreted. Go to her house and talk to her. Start by apologizing that things got so out of control and go from there.I completely disagree with gkb.  The letter is a far superior idea to going over there and speaking to her--evidence thus far has suggested that the woman has a tendency to scream when upset.  I highly doubt Casey would feel comfortable going back there and calmly speaking whilst being screamed at (again).  Also, if Casey were to go over and talk to her, there are certainly no guaruntees that her FMIL would let her finish her thoughts.  You can't interrupt a letter.  You can choose to read it or not read it, but in a letter she 1) won't be screamed at or spoken rudely to2) can finish her thoughts pressure-free, without being interruptedAs for the whole, she's not a child comment....the way in which she responded was extremely childish.  So...if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, looks like a duck...
  • I understand you being upset about this but personally I think it was extremely rude to go to another florist when she clearly had preferences for you using her cousin, I'm sure it had nothing to do with price and everything to do with wanting to make this personal to her family.  By choosing to ignore her wishes you have snubbed her kind offer.At the end of the day whilst this is your wedding, unfortunately it is not all about what you want, a marriage is the joining of two people and two families. You knew you would be upsetting her and yet you went ahead for the sake of a few flowers????Her response was completely unacceptable but I do think you need to go and speak to her and apologise for being so rude in the first place.  If I were you I would speak to FI and ask him to back you up, i.e. you go and apologise and then when you have left, he goes and speaks to her to let her know that even though you were rude, she has NO right to scream and shout at you.  I think it's wrong to be acting the innocent in this case
  • I don't believe Casey expected her FMIL to pay for the flowers from the florist she liked better. Can't any of you look at your planning before you started?  What did you imagine?  Grasp the thought for a second.  Now imagine yourself in the situation where you're recommended to do something that you don't like for your only wedding.  You can't find one ounce of sympathy for Casey?  If she wasn't expecting her FMIL to pay based on the fact that she found a florist that was able to make her vision a reality, she's not doing anything wrong.Casey, I don't get the feeling you tried to disrespect your FMIL... people's feelings get hurt when things don't go their way, and if you weren't expecting her to pay for your new decision you certainly shouldn't have been yelled at for it.Just try to patch things up to get through the wedding, because once it's over, they'll have nothing to get pissy about :)
  • FI and I approached FMIL about it saying that the prices weren't much different and I was more comfortable with the other florist and liked her ideas better. If casey truly didn't expect her FMIL to pay for the flowers from the other florist she wouldn't have bothered telling her the prices weren't much different.
  • My FMIL (and FI) suggested that I have FMIL's SIL do our flowers.  She teaches floral arranging and I'm sure she would have done a great job.  She would have also done them at cost which would have saved us money.  She would not respond to my emails or calls (she lives on Long Island, I live in Maryland and wedding is in upstate NY) so I decided that I should really explore other options.  I found a florist that I like and talked to FMIL about this.  She was very understanding and told me that it was my decision and if I didn't use her SIL, she completely understood.  After I had booked the florist, she told me that she wanted to pay for 1/2 of the flowers.  I told her that I could pay for them, but she insisted and I accepted the money.  So not only did I decide to NOT use her SIL, she went the extra mile to help us pay for them. Now to my point - Casey's FMIL was out of line.  A mature person would have talked about this in a civilized way and while my FMIL might not be the norm, I guess I would hope that most people would respond that way.Casey - I hope that everything works out and that you can mend the relationship with your future in-laws.
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