doubts about wedding

sweezyboo

I need some advice. My wedding is only about a month and a half away. I am really in love with my fiance, and I look forward to being married to him, but we have some serious differences in the way we view family life. I had a feeling this might be a problem ever since we started dating 3 years ago, but once I fell in love with him I just couldn't let these doubts ruin our relationship. Now life has become very hard, since I am living with my fiance and his family for the summer until we get married in October. To fully understand the problem you should know that I am very different from his family - they are conservative, Christian, and a very close family (his mother is VERY attached to him), whereas I come from a very liberal, not-church-going family that is not as close and much  more independent. I have tried to be as understanding as possible with his family, and have avoided saying things that could upset them...especially when it comes to his little sister. But of course there has been some friction, especially over the last month. Tonight they actually sat me down, with the whole family there including my fiance and his sister, to resolve some "issues" that were bothering them. His mother was upset that I have not been very social with her lately, i.e. i came home from work today and after saying hello went straight to my room to unwind. There were some other minor issues too and we talked it out and seemed to resolve them pretty well (though I was mortified at being put on trial in front of everyone). But then she started her pity routine (wh/ I have heard several times before), saying that she is weak and sickly (she has a few disorders that make it hard for her to work part time, so she is a stay-at-home mom) adn depends on her family for support. Therefore, she will need her son and me to live close to them and remain a very close family with them. She went on to say how my mom wasn't as needy, and how she could support herself. I don't want to be such a close family anymore. I want my fiance and I to make our own family, and be indepedent, and have the freedom to live where we choose. But I think my fiance is more sympathetic to his mother. I love him very much and in every other respect he is the perfect guy for him. Its just that his family drives me CRAZY. I am considering canceling the wedding...Do I have any other options, or is this a deal breaker?

Kristin789

>>I don't want to be such a close family anymore. I want my fiance and I to make our own family, and be indepedent, and have the freedom to live where we choose. Everyone wants this. >>Therefore, she will need her son and me to live close to them and remain a very close family with them. But if his mother is really sickly - and you admit in your post that she does have "a few disorders" so you are saying that she isn't faking - then she IS going to need help. My FIL had four surgeries last year, including open heart surgery to create a triple bypass. My mother has had multiple heart tests for a leaky valve that is, to quote the cardiologist, TORRENTIAL, and now she has to schedule open heart surgery to fix the flaps on the valve that aren't working correctly. We can't change these situations, which are REAL. And we can't choose to move to Denver or anywhere else to have a new free independent experience and pretend we don't have parents who are sick. We have to deal. It is what it is. We MUST be involved with these situations because I'm the only family my mother has, and my DH is the One Who Must Participate because his brother married a woman who has continuing mental issues. So if you marry this man, you have to deal. You MUST be involved with this. If you think there is a man out there who is willing to totally dump his sickly parents without a second thought, to run away from challenging situations, to create a new fantasy life and pretend that nothing at all happened before he met you... AND you think that man can have a strong, genuine, "sickness and health" relationship with YOU even though he has no morals and values about other family members who gave up a lot to raise him... Then you should dump this guy and go hunting for the guy described above.

ShawnandKris

Think very hard about how this situtation will impact your marriage. It's not fair of you to make your FI choose between you and his family. If you are living with them, it seems like you guys need them too.  It will not get better, especially if her health continues to deteriorate. Of course your FI is going to be more sympathetic to his Mom.....She's his mother! You need to be honest with your FI about your feelings about canceling the wedding. The closer you get to the wedding date the harder this will be.

SpringBride1114

I agree with pp, you need to tell your FI, as hard as it will be. There is no reason to start a life together with hidden feelings of remorse and such. It's not fair for him to think you are 100% on board when your not. I understand how if you were raised more independently it can be hard to go straight to a close knit family, but you have always known your FI's family was like this, why wait until a month before your wedding. Maybe it doesn't bother you as much as you think, maybe it's cold feet?

Irchik22

If you truly love him...then this is not a deal breaker. We all know our parents are getting older and will eventually need some sort of help from us children. If your FI is so close to his family and that is important to him it isn't fair to ask him to drop them.I personally love the fact that my FI is so close with his family, it gives me a look into the future of how close we will be as a family.

tmwagner

My parents were/are in a similar situation. It almost split them up many times, but they are still together. They have to work at it and it sometimes ends up in fights, my mom tells me how hard it is/has been, but its part of life.It's never going to go away, but you can make it work it you love him.  Talk to him about it.

Duckyoflove13

When you marry someone (in most situations....not all, but most) you are combining two different families. You are also going to begin your own, solidifying that bond between the two. Would you want your children (assuming one day you would want them/have them) to have no connections with grandparents, aunts, and uncles? Marraige is about accepting eachother as you are, not changing eachother into who you want them to be. If you really love him, talk to him, but don't make him choose.

sweetheart947

I think you need to be honest with him. They guy I dated before my fiance has this issue with his mother and I broke up with him because of it. It was like he was having an emotional affair with her. Creepily close. This is not something that usually changes after you get married. My grandmother was like that and she was a huge reason my parents got divorced. I wish you all the best, but please talk to him and help him understand your side!

C W

It's up to you to decide if this is a deal breaker or not. You have to weigh your options: which is worse, losing FI or dealing with his family? Because you likely can't have both. Don't expect your FI to change his family dynamic because it probably won't happen.

Leah&Christian09

I think you and your FI need to have some serious conversations about boundaries and family, and how close you will be after marriage.  Are you doing pre-marital counselling?  This is a good forum for this conversation.  You need to express to him that 1) you are uncomfortable with this level of closeness, 2) you expect that you (his wife) will come before the rest of his family in conflicts and 3) it is not ok for the whole family to confront you with issues like that.  Marriage is not going to make this get better.  You need to deal with these issues now.I also think you two need to move out before you get married. 

ZachnLoriahn

That is a really tough decision you have. But it is one that only you can make. Go wtih your heart. Just remember that you have to live with your decision. Divorce is NEVER fun. and gets even more complicated with kids. I wish the best for you. and if your FI loves you he will try and understand. Maybe you could delay the wedding until you figure out what you need to do???

kmmssg

I'm seeing this from Retread's POV although I've never been in anything close to these circimstances.  You need to think long and hard about if this is the life you want. There are 2 separate things going on here - 1.  This is his family, this is how he was raised, and this is what he things is normal.  Sounds like he wants to be there to take care of his mom. 2.  Marrying him is putting some pretty well defined limitations on your life and future.  Those may be ok or they may be things that you will greatly resent. In this scenario you won't be accepting some ultra fantastic career opportunity down the road that requires you to move.  Your FI won't either.  Is that an ok thing or something you would resent? These people are super close.  That means they will be super close when your children are born.  Will they be in your business all the time or will they shut up and keep their nose out of it? Only you know how those scenarios play out. You need to develop 2 pictures in your mind, very separately from each other.  The first is living in this close family.  Do you love your FI enough to adapt into this without a lot of resentment?  Do you see a way to make this work so you can be his wife and be in a happy, strong marriage? The second is what would your life look like without him?  Will you be happier in a more independent life without the close family ties he has or will you be beyond miserable because he isn't in your life anymore? The one thing you CAN'T ask him to do is choose between his family and you.  You are the one has to do the choosing.  Will you choose the close family and him, or an independent life like you are used to? No right or wrong - you NEED to listen to your heart here.  If you are having serious doubts, please do not move forward with the wedding.  

tidetravel

Ditto Retread and Leah. At the moment, you are living with his parents, under their roof, so you don't really get a say in any of the family dynamics at the moment. You and your FI need to have a serious talk about YOUR future and family boundries. You need to decide big issues like where you want to live, how you want to raise your children, if you have them, etc. It sounds quite possible that mom is using her illness as a way to manuipulate her son. (the fact that she commented on YOUR relationship with YOUR mother and how she doesn't NEED you as much, leads me to believe this is true) I would suggest that the two of you move out on your own so you can work on your relationship without family interference.

mocha beans

We can't tell you what what your deal breakers are.  You have two choices here:  You can marry this man and his family, or you can call it off and move out.  If you stay, you are going to be an integral part of this very close knit family, which will include caring for his mother.  You don't necessarily have to be a chatty cathy with them all the time, I think if you stay you can all reach some kind of agreement about levels of socialness.  But it sounds like she is planning on having her son and his wife around to care for her, which isn't all that strange.  Many families that are close knit expect that the kids take care of the parents as they age, rather than the parents moving to an assisted living situation.I can tell you this, you will not be able to pack up and move away from them.  You can't make your FI pick between you and his mother.

Jenny&GregFan

If it were me, I'd break things off, but that's just me. Only you can decide if this is something you can live with or not. What I can tell you is that getting married will NOT change things. Please be honest with yourself as to whether or not you can live this way. If you decide this is not how you want to live, it is totally ok to call things off. A broken engagement is a lot easier than a divorce.

sweezyboo

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zitiqueen

I don't know if you mentioned this, but what did your H do when they all sat down to gang up on you?

dsouldiva

Unfortunately the old saying "you can't choose your family" is also true of in-laws.I think you have to accept if you marry this man that his family come as part of the deal.I can imagine it feels very Claustrophobic at the moment living with them 24/7 and being sat down like a 12 year old for a "family meeting" but when you move out you will have more control over your own independence.  The biggest problem I can see is that your FMIL has already made comments about "how your mum can support herself", I can image she is already planning that you will spend every weekend/holiday with their side of the family because of her illness (which you probably won't want to do).  You need to speak to your FI about this one and see how he feels and also agree a way forward together Talk about your aspirations for having a family of your own but keep in mind that there needs to be some room for both of your families in your future.If you can't compromise on something this big then you are right to be considering calling it off.

LesPaul

and remember this will not be the last 'family meeting' where they point out everything you are doing wrong (in their opinion)

gorjush

have you gotten premarital counseling yet??

ReturnOfKuus

I'm really not sure where the "if you love him you can work it out" folks are coming from.  After years of this, of them hounding and pushing you to be who and what they want and expect and insisting that you be around all the time so they can more effectively do that, and your FI going along with this, you'll probably resent him so deeply that you won't even love him any more.  That's the reality of it.

noelle24

You need to really talk to your FI and get a clear picture of how he envisions his family life after you are married.  If he is the type to always want to live just down the road from his parents, and you aren't that way, then you need to decide if you can live with that for the rest of your life.  With things just the way they are NOW (or worse).  If you think you'll grow to resent him for it, that's a fast way to kill a marriage.  And it may be better to get out now than to try to do so when kids are involved.My point is that only YOU can know if this is a dealbreaker for you.I wish you the best of luck.

joebeth22

me again.  thought about your situation last night.  while scanning your second entry here i noticed you or here was just 22.  wow.  well you seem well beyond your years, emotionally, intellectually, etc., and your faith is strong.  but all of that is probably not enough because he most likely is not where you are -- i don't mean in terms of his love or affection for you, but in terms of all the other stuff i mentioned.  what is the rush anyhow? is it because you two can't/won't live together, sleep together, before marriage (you don't have to answer this at all, not to me or us here anyway)? but you guys need some time to sort this out; this isn't about you making a blanket decision to walk NECESSARILY (altho' it may be because I keep going back to that scene right out of Rosemary's baby where your husband-to-be was standing around you, in an ambush against you, as one of the bad guys -- unthinkable, inexcusable, except that now i know it has something to do with his youth and immaturity as well as with his inability to have cut the cord and his mother's/family's resistance to allowing him to do so).  what you have to do if you feel you love him, and if you believe he loves you, is to walk away from the walk down the aisle -- temporarily at least (and send heartfelt handwritten notes to all the guests explaining that this is a temporary delay in order to allow more time to.... you'll find the words) -- to find the right path! and again, despite your deep faith (and shared values, which may even involve work abroad for you two, who knows, in humanitarian relief aid, etc.), you two need professional help of the kind only a professional in the therapeutic field is qualified to give you.  don't fool with something as profound as a son's "unbroken" umbilical cord and inability or unwillingness therefore to 'tie the knot' with another woman.  if he (or any other man for that matter) cannot do this, then they are not ready to be any one's husband, are not yet a man.  and i don't even know if you can raise him, if you can pick up where mama left off as you're only 22 yourself! i'm thinking of you today.  you were very BRAVE to have posted this, to have so clearly articulated the prioblem; i bet there are dozens and dozens, even hundreds, of women on this site, some who are married too for sure, who have this problem with their men, and were never smart enough to understand it like you do or strong enough to face it like you're doing.