Dad Dilemma

ldcf11206

My dad and I have had a rough relationship for about the past 6 or 7 years.  My brother & I actually have not seen Dad in the past 2 years, and have only talked to him a handful of times through text messages.  I miss him, but honestly life has been easier without him.  He's not a bad person, he is just remarried, has 2 young boys, owns his own business now...he is just consumed by money and his "new" family, and he has just been a real jerk to my brother and me. 

Anyway, over the past month, Dad has texted me numerous times and told me he misses me.  I have not told him I'm engaged, so either he doesn't know at all or someone else in the family told him.  If he does know, he hasn't said anything about it to me.  But, I've been thinking how I used to be "Daddy's little girl," how he used to treat my brother and me so well...before his "new" family came along.  I'm just thinking that although, like I said, life is easier without him, it might be the nail in the coffin if I don't let him share in this exciting part of my life.  This might be a good "new beginning" for us.  I don't know. 

The problem here is, I have asked my brother to walk me down the aisle, so if Dad gets involved with us again, do I just kick my brother out of his role or what??  I can't do that to him.  My brother is 5 years younger than me and we have always stuck together through thick and thin with our family.  I wouldn't want anyone other than my brother walking me down the aisle if my dad is not around. 

I was thinking maybe Dad AND brother could walk me down the aisle together?  Or I could make my brother a bridesman?  My mother is my MOH. 

I don't know what to do!!!!  See how complicated my life is when Dad is around??  Ugh.  I do NOT want to tell my brother he can't walk me down the aisle, because he is really looking forward to it and I think if I bring up the idea that he AND dad can walk me down, he'll say "No, just go with Dad."  And I know his feelings will be hurt.  

The other option is to just let Dad be a guest.  I don't know.  Help.   

danieliza1127

Well you are worrying about things that haven't even happened yet.  The first thing you need to do is decide whether to let your dad back into your life and participate in your wedding or not.  If you decide to respond to his text messages, you need to first work on the relationship regardless of your wedding.  Meaning you need to explain to him how you and your brother feel left out, excluded, and treated poorly now that he has a new family.  See if you can work those issues out way before you worry about what his role in your wedding will be.

If you choose not to go that route, then just invite him and his new family to the wedding and don't mention walking down the aisle with him at all.  If he asks, you can just say that your brother is walking you down the aisle.  Maybe you could do the father/daughter dance with your dad instead of having him walk down the aisle.

it's really easy to let our weddings rule our thinking, but you have to remember to think about relationships outside of your wedding and how it relates to your wedding.

ldcf11206

I guess I should mention that my brother and I want nothing to do with Dad's "new family."  My stepmother is a B and she would make things more complicated than they already are, if she comes back into the picture.

gottahavashorti

Do you want your dad or half-brothers in your life?  If so, send your dad and his "new family" an invitation.  You cannot exclude your stepmother if you do this, but you don't have to spend time with her at the wedding either.

Since you're not close to your dad, if he asks just tell him that you have already asked your brother to walk with you

danieliza1127

Well unfortunately it's next to impossible to have a relationship with your dad and not include your step-mom.  You can't invite him without her to the wedding. 

Again, it sounds to me like you have some thinking to do about your relationship with your dad that has nothing to do with the wedding.  Deal with that first and the wedding part will work itself out.

lilcassers

who has always been there for you and not just in and out of your life? that is who I would choose. I think you know in your heart what to do.

I used to be close with my dad and he abandoned my mom and i as of a few years ago. I am having my mom walk me because she has always been there.

jma1983

If you've already asked your brother, I'd keep it that way.  Surely your dad knows that he's been missing from your life.  And, if you and your brother are that close, then you're dad should respect that. 

cukimerrydoll

Does your dad know how you feel about the relationship??

I agree with danieliza - don't do anything until both of you know how you feel about the relationship.  Try not to let the roles in the wedding define your relationships.  Granted, it does put a name to a lot of them, but do what feels right for you.

I have a lot of problems with my dad too, but I've noticed that things are always better when he knows where I'm coming from.  Let it out, and tell him how you're feeling about the relationship first. 

Since the wedding should be a reflection of the relationships you have, don't try to define your relationship with your dad in the wedding until you can figure out the relationship with your dad in your life.

kalie1

I would probably invite the dad if things are still going okay with him in the next few months.  Let him sit near the front.  Tell him your brother will be walking you down the isle.  I doubt it'll be a big shock to him considering your relationship in recent years.  He can deal with it.  You will need to invite his wife if you invite him.