Thinking of cancelling wedding.....HELP!!! (Long...sorry)

joyangela

My FI and I are planning our wedding for Julyl 23, 2010, we are paying for it ourselves and have already put deposits on the reception location and the photographer. My problem is this, his parents (mostly his mom) think we should just elope now. They are having financial difficulties, and his mom is very right-wing-christian and doesnt believe in us living together pre-wedding, which we already do. So I am constantly being judged for that, and I really dont even like being around her. They were going to pay for our flowers and for our honeymoon booking, but now because they are having difficulty financially and because she basically doesnt like me, they are pushing for elopement. The fun and joy of planning the day is being sucked out of this for me. Should I just cancel everything and lose the deposits, about $3000.00? If I cancel, we will just go and get married, but I am not having his parents there. His mom is just not happy for us (I am divorced with an 11 year old son) and apparently am not what she is dreaming of for her son. What would you do?

noelle24

Where is your FI in all of this? What does he want? I'd decline their offer to pay for the honeymoon and flowers, and pay for what you can yourselves.  $3000 is a lot of money to lose, especially if you are eloping for the wrong reasons.If you and your FI want a wedding (not an elopement), then I'd have the wedding you want.  Talk with your FI about how to best deal with his mother, and then let HIM tell her to back off (nicely).  You need to get him involved.Don't let a cranky, pushy biitch influence you to do something just because she disapproves.  It's your life.

kschwedic

Okay, here is my opinion on this: I hate to make assumptions, but I'm guessing that you and your FI aren't very young (like early 20s), considering you have an 11 year old.  And if you and your FI have already decided to pay for the wedding yourselves and have made $3000.00 worth in deposits, then go ahead with the wedding.I could understand taking her opinions into consideration if she were paying for it all, but she's not.  You can easily do your own flowers for a lower price and not have to depend on her for that part.  And you don't have to have a honeymoon right away--you can save after the wedding and do something a little later.These days, most couples live together before getting married (FI and I don't, which most people find strange).  I would just explain to his mom that, while you both understand that she doesn't exactly approve, you would appreciate if she'd just let it go because the two (well, three) of you have chosen this lifestyle and her constant nagging is causing a lot of stress and bitter emotion.I definitely wouldn't cancel the wedding--it sounds like you've gotten a lot of planning and done and with as much money you've put into it, that would be a terrible loss just to make the FMIL stop whining.  She should put on her big girl panties.Just be civilized about it and tell her that you respect her opinions, but it's yours and your FI's life and wedding, not hers.

joyangela

You are both right. Yes, I am not in my 20's I am 33, FI is 27. I have mentioned the eloping to him before, but he kind of doesnt take me seriously. He wants to have the big wedding, because he runs a business and it will be good for him buisiness wise. I know next his dad will hit him up for money, because his own businesses are sinking ships and he is going broke. I kind of have a feeling that its part of the reason they want us to elope, because they are going to hit my FI up for cash. I really dont like his mom, she is a nag, she is controlling and has a big mouth and she won't get a job. I already told FI, if he gives his parents money, I walk, his dad is a horrible business man and loses money and screws people over including his own family, so why should we help him to continue doing that. Im kinda lost here, I love my FI, but sometimes I want to just run away. He doesn't see all the problems with his parents, everyone else does, but its like he is blind to it.

mocha beans

You have much bigger problems than the wedding.  For the wedding issue, I'd continue with plans as usual and pay for the flowers yourself and skip the honeymoon right now.  Flowers can be cheap from the farmers market.  I wouldn't be happy losing $3k.Main issue, though, is dealing with his parents and money.  You need to both be on the same page about helping out his parents.  If you aren't, you're going to be breeding resentment between both of you; him for you being on board with helping his parents (whether you agree or not), and you for him for possibly carelessly loaning out money.  It's not going to work having one side against the other on issues like this.  We deal with his brother making lots of poor choices financially, and have both come to an agreement of how to deal with him.And also, if you decide to go ahead with the elopement, don't tell him his parents can't come.  That's just a low blow, and a fantastic way to destroy a relationship with people you're going to be around for a very long time.Get thee to pre-marital counseling sooner rather than later.  This issue is going to get worse.

kschwedic

I can understand! I have been extremely lucky to have future in-laws that are basically heaven-sent.  But I have friends and other family members who have had to deal with tons of drama from in-laws, and it's not an easy thing to do. You said that your FI wants the big wedding, which is good since he's on the same page as you.  Just have a talk with him and explain to him (which I'm sure you've already done, but sometimes they have to hear it a million times!) that his parents, mainly his mom, are causing some stress and emotional issues during this crucial time in your relationship and that, if he doesn't step back and look at it and realize it and then talk with them about it, that the problems may start to run a lot deeper after you're married. Good luck with everything!

ranit

Don't worry about the parents, they will get over it someday.  I was in the same shoes up until a month ago!I was married before- and that bothered his father a lot! Eventhough the man is divorced himself! :-OAnd than my FI and I moved in together about four years back, that was totally not agreeable with my future Father-in-law.  All this bothers me, but you know what!.. Next year in May, We are getting married, paying it all on our own and IT FEELS DAMN GOOD So go for it.. DON'T ELOPE, stick your ground, have a small or BIG wedding, but do it locally- and In-front of everyone.. just so they can realize that your LOVE is stronger than them, it can withstand any evil eye. And trust me.... this would probably bother your Mother-in-law more than anything in the world

zitiqueen

He doesn't see all the problems with his parents, everyone else does, but its like he is blind to it.Marriage won't change that. Decide right now if you want a lifetime of this, since it sounds like he's kinda/sorta close to his parents.

joyangela

The crazy part is, my EX-MIL is best friends with my future MIL, my EX-MIL get along great, we talk every day, I go over there all the time. Her and my EX-FIL and SIL still call me their daughter and their sister. I don't see how it can be so hard to get along with someones mom. Divorce didnt even break up my relationship w/ ex-dh's family. You all have very valid points. If FI can't see what everyone else sees then what is wrong with him? Maybe I need to evaluate that. On the other hand cancelling my wedding would only please his parents not anyone else, so why give them the satisfaction. So much to consider........

peachkins

I completely agree w/ pp that you should not cancel your wedding over this.  $3000 is a lot of money to lose, and if having the wedding meant I had to cut back on flowers and wait a little longer for a honeymoon, I would do it.  I also agree with getting FI involved.  It's definitely going to have more impact if your FI speaks with his mother about her feelings toward the two of you and how he wants a big wedding. 

Kristin789

>The crazy part is, my EX-MIL is best friends with my future MIL, my EX-MIL get along great, we talk every day, I go over there all the time. Her and my EX-FIL and SIL still call me their daughter and their sister.So you were drawn into your EX's family, and you are considered a "daughter/sister" in that family because you were very young when you married your EX, and you have the "granddaughter/niece" that goes with that family.Now you are marrying someone else, and you expect his mother and sister to treat you the same.  That won't happen, because now you are 31 - not 20.  You are now a mature woman, not a girl who will make her first transition into maturity by marrying and then having a baby.  You have been married, you had a baby, and now divorced, not a fresh young girl right out of high school.You want the situation to be the same.  You want to start over, and do over what has already been done.  Too late.And you should think over how you know so much about what your FMIL thinks and feels and judges.  If she's talking to YOU in that way, then you need to back off of the contact.  If she's talking to FI in that way, then he needs to back off of the contact and talk to her about this.

JaimeeP

If you were planning to pay for it yourself, anyway, I don't understand what your FMIL's financial problems have to do with it. Stop running your plans by Mrs. Negative. Instead, let the family members and friends that are happy for you, help with your plans. I definately would not give up the deposits because of her.

dsouldiva

I agree with the PPs, if the future in laws can't pay for flowers, skip them, if they can't pay for the honeymoon then postpone it and have it later if money is the problem, but don't cancel the wedding you both want because of his parents.You definitely need to speak to Fi about any financial assistance to his family, since it will affect both you your fi and your child.  If you don't think FFIL will pay back money then you and your FI need to decide now whether you are in a position to give money away, put your thoughts across rationally and I'm sure your Fi will see sense.As for his mom being a B*tch, try and ignore her negativity, it is your Fi's opinion that really counts, not hers!