Pre-maritial counseling?

ccannady2

Okay, I posted this on "The Nest" site and got blasted; I wanted to know of any good books to read with the FI before the wedding...you know helping with communication. Well apparently that was completely the wrong question to ask because we must do counseling or we're completely doomed. So, are you doing counseling? And if you are, is it because it's required by your church?

sapphirebaby926

We did pre-marital counseling because the church required it. I don't know any books that I have personally read but my husband read a book called "For Men Only" by Jeff Feldhahn. I think it's in the christian section but he said it was a good read for people getting married. There is also a "For Women only" which I think is authored by his wife - from what I understand it helps you get into the mind of the opposite sex which would help with communication

trix1223

I think the best book is called "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.  It's a wonderful book that helps you understand that people have different ways of showing their love.I've given it to several engaged couples and recommend it often.

On_Cloud_Nine

My FI and I are doing pre-martial counseling, but it's by choice.The minister performing out marriage suggested the book "His Needs Her Needs", and the minister from the church we attend suggested another book, but I can't recall it right now.I've heard that "The Five Love Languages" is also very good.

Simply Fated

I personally would like to go to some sort of pre-marital counseling... My parents are divorced and I dont' want to go down that route. My parents ended up having to go to a counselour, but by then it was too late. Although, truthfully, it might not have made a difference either way.If he wont' come with me, I'll be happy to go alone.I suggest ging to see a counselor, but many couples haven't and they're just fine. I think it's a matter of preference. It can't hurt to try, though.

aerinpegadrak

We considered pre-marital counseling, but when we went down the list of major issues that cause potential problems (kids, religion, money, and so on), we realized that we had already talked about them on our own, and that we were on the same page, so we opted out.I don't really have any book recommendations, but if you haven't really discussed some of the major issues and aren't sure how to start, then counseling might be a good option.  It doesn't imply that your relationship is in trouble, but marriage is a whole different ballgame, and there are elements to it that you may not have considered.The Nest frightens me.  Although I'm terribly jealous that their message boards are much more functional than ours (from a software standpoint).

txmom21

We are going to counseling because we both feel like it's important. We have definitely talked about all the major issues like kids, money, work, etc., but we still feel that sitting down with someone objective is helpful. As far as books, I agree that The Five Love Languages is excellent; it has helped FI and I communicate better about our needs and understand how the other one ticks. Also Love and Respect is a good one (I can't remember the author off hand).

Anon I. Mouse

We have not done pre-marital counselling, however we have both done a lot of individual counseling, or even counseling in past relationships, and both know we are willing to go if required. We have also both done a lot of self-development in more non-traditional workshops and courses and learned a lot about self-responsibility for our own feelings and reactions. My partner is starting more personal counseling again for some things that have come up with him recently as a result of his past military service. I have offered as well that I am willing to go anytime he needs. As at the end of the day, even joint counseling really is all about "you" as an individual.We are open and honest with one another about everything - from finances, to the deepest and darkest fears and shames, to jealousies, to anger, about our ex's, about our attractions to others, about our joy and love, and so on - we really do talk about everything. Sometimes it is scary for us both to share some of the things we do, or hear them, but I can say we both are extremely close for it..and while we have both had many relationships in our lives, what we have together as a result of this is something we both feel blessed to have as it is quite unlike anything else. I can say that if we did not have this and had NOT done all that personal work on ourselves before we ever even met, neither of us would of been ready to get married - we definitely would not have had such a healthy relationship. Neither of us is "messed up", but I will say EVERYONE on this earth has some form of "stuff", and it's great to learn how to acknowledge, appreciate and accept that "stuff". At this point, we are committed to continuing our personal growth and relationship growth with more of those workshops and such in the future, and counseling if we desire, however we do not at this time feel it is required. I would suggest if you have NEVER been to counseling, it is most definitely a GREAT idea. I do recommend some individual sessions in there though too, and I do recommend looking for a good counselor who works for both of you, and that you are both willing and eager to be honest with each other and yourselves. From what I understand, many who get married in religious ceremonies are required to take pre-marital, however I also understand often some of this just covers the "basics" or the "surface" stuff (at least that is my understanding from friends of mine who have gone)...I do recommend going beyond that and really keeping in mind that counseling is a wonderful gift to yourself.Books to read....while The Five Love Languages is good, if you are willing to read something a bit heavier but I think even more beneficial is The Relationship Garden by McKeen and Wong (hard to find though). My FI and I both disagreed with their chapter on sex for a few reasons, but otherwise it's great. Others I have enjoyed in the past and present were The Four Agreements, The Truth About Love by Dr. Patricia Love,  How to Be An Adult in Relationships (for a Buddhist slant!)....there are a few others but I can't think of them immediately!

michelle142

We did counselling as required by the Pastor who married us. Even if it weren't required, I think it's a good idea to do it. It may help you work out some issues you have before getting married. I know for us it helped us talk about things/everyday stuff that we normally wouldn't bring up to each other.

dsouldiva

Before the Ring by William L Coleman is pretty good, it's quite amusing in places and based on lots of real life experiences.You're not doomed for not doing pre-marital counseling but it is always worthwhile to get the communication channels working early, by God you are going to need them to make your marriage stand the test of time.

saisongbird

We are completing Pre-cana because it's required by FI's church, but my colleagues gave me a great book - it's called "What No One Tells the Bride." Highly recommended!

goheels05

Another vote for 5 Love Languages--that book is awesome.We're currently doing a God's Plan for your Marriage workshop.  It's helpful but I don't like it as much as 5 Love Languages, and as you can guess, it's got some heavy religious undertones and the author can be a little judgy-judgy.

Kristin789

What no one tells the bride 5 love languages We did not go through pre-m counseling.  When I contacted the church we would have been married in, the coordinator told me that they have a mandatory TWELVE MONTH TRAINING PROGRAM. And we were getting married in LESS than 12 months, so the coordinator cut me off and hung up.

Anon I. Mouse

While 5 Love Languages is great, it definitely does not automatically have you talking about some of the things that I think many couples NEVER talk about. There are some books out there on conversations you should have before you get married, but here are some possible starters from some of the conversations my FI and I have had both before and after getting engaged:- Do we want children? When? How will we raise those children? Will one of us stay home? Do you believe in spanking? What if we find out during pregnancy the child is severely disabled?- What are our career plans? What if one us wants to go back to school? What if one of us makes more? What if one of is not working? - How much debt do we each have? How much debt are we comfortable with? How much savings do we have? Do we want to save for trip/home/retirement? How are we going to do that? Do we want separate accounts, joint accounts or a combination? What are our spending habits? What are our luxuries? What are we comfortable spending? Do we talk about our purchases? How do we divide financial obligations? Do we share our money? Do we have salary expectations?- What does love mean to us? What does romance meant to us? How do we handle resentment? What are our boundaries with other women/men? Do we share those with them and with each other? What do we think about close friendships with other women/men?- How do we deal with conflict? Are we willing to tell one another anytime we are angry? How do we demonstrate that anger? Do we need to take timeouts? Do we go to bed angry and sleep on it, or push through however long we need too? Are we willing to go to counseling together and/or alone?- What are your boundaries in this relationship, what are mine (this can be anything from monogamy, verbal abuse, dishonesty)? What are our expectations of those boundaries? Do we place responsibility on other to follow those, or do we simply state them and take responsibility for selves? How do we handle them if those boundaries are pushed or broken?- What about our families? How involved do we want them? What don't we agree with about them, what do we agree with, what don't we like, what do we like?- What about sex? How often do we want to have sex? How do we each feel about sex? What turns us on and what are our sexual preferences? How do we handle if one wants sex and other does not? Are we using birth control? What kind? What happens if it fails? Have we had previous pregnancies or STI's? What are our boundaries in sex (i.e. language, violence, etc)? What are our past experiences with sex?- What about our past relationships? What were the positive and negatives? What patterns did we see in them? Have those patterns changed? What did we learn from those experiences? Did we learn? - What do think about "traditional roles" and roles in general? Do we want such roles or not? Why or why not? What do we think about personal self-development? - Are we committed to our physical health? What if one of us starts to gain a lot of weight or is unhealthy? How will we approach it? What if one of us gets seriously sick? How will we deal with that?- What do we want in our will, power of attorney, personal directive/living will? Are we willing to go do those together? Do we want a prenup - why or why not?- How do we want to share vacation time and holiday time - whose family, our own, do we trade years, etcetera.Anyway, there are a LOT more topics, but these are some ideas.  

jenn.daniel

We are not doing counseling. We're not opposed to it, but time is an issue (he's a med student), as is location (we live 4.5 hrs away from the church in which we're getting married). FI and I are both very open and we can read each other well. We've talked about kids (NO!), finances, religion, where we're going to live, careers, chores, pets. We're still working out how to spend time with our parents, but we've decided our first rule is that we will not go anywhere for Thanksgiving.

melissa_8_24

We're doing the counseling required by the church... and honestly, it hasn't been all that helpful. Now I'm not saying it's a bad thing, I'm sure for some couples it's a great thing and really helps. However, FI and I have a son together and have been living together for quite awhile now. Not saying that our communication or anything of the sort is perfect, because of course it's not, we disagree and fight like anyone, BUT the topics that were covered in the counseling was stuff that really didn't pertain to us. We already have had all the talks about finances and kids and where to live and so on. I do want to read the 5 Languages of Love... I've heard amazing things about it!

jolynn326

My guy and I haven't gone through our counseling yet, but we will be required to by our pastor. I don't want to be mean, but I think that we'll end up not getting much out of it from those few sessions. That's not to say that I don't think counseling is beneficial and maybe even necessary. I do. I just feel that the two of us have been very proactive already in learning about each other, conflict management, etc. We have read several books together and interacted with many married couples whom we admire. Still, it's always beneficial to get an outside perspective on things--it helps us stay honest and not get caught up in our emotions but rather see the truth about our behaviors, past hurts, etc. Three books that I have read and would highly recommend are Before You Plan Your Wedding, Plan Your Marriage, another vote for Love and Respect, and, as mentioned, The 5 Love Languages. Those three have been so helpful in different ways. So, even if you're not satisfied with the counseling you've received or aren't sure that you would like to do formal counseling sessions, there is still a lot you can do to be proactive about building a strong and united marriage.I'm so excited you asked this question! It's something I care a lot about (building the marriage and not just planning the wedding). Hope my response helps!

Soon2b_Mrs.F

We also did Pre-canna because our church required us to. Honestly, it wasn't too bad. It brought up some things that we hadn't discussed yet. I'm not saying that we would have completely glided over those issues; it just kind of brings everything to light at once. The only criticism I had with it is that they had three sets of couples talk to us. Only one was really willing to be honest and upfront about real issues. I'm not saying they have to get all personal and air dirty laundry. But you can't pretend life is always going to be perfect when you're talking to a group of people looking for guidance. One couple even told us that their biggest issue was deciding whether or not to put in a swimming pool. Yeah right! And these were people who had been married for a long time.So, I wouldn't say you're doomed if you don't go. It's a shame people made you feel that way. We got more from discussing things with each other than we did from what they were telling us. "Five Love Languages" is definitely a good book, though. Good luck with your decision.

LesaBear

Personality Plus did a lot for us. It's not about relationships per say, but helped us identify why we fight. The other bigs issues (kids, money, etc) listed above we had already been through.

rechance

My fiance and I are using a small workbook that we've really enjoyed.  It's called A Handbook for Engaged Couples: A Communication Tool for Those About to Be Married by Alice and Robert Fryling.  Even though we had already discussed a lot of the topics brought up in the book we still find it very helpful. We are not getting married in a church but we are still having a Christian ceremony. My friend will be our officiant and we've had an informal counseling session with her.