I'm really trying not to be upset, but I feel sick to my stomach

LizziebeeUT

On Saturday my bridesmaid D (who is married to my FI's best friend S) had her 31st birthday party. We went and right from the start S started pushing this girl on my FI. FI speaks fluent French and so does this girl T. They started talking in French, so I left to find something else to do. It was a little annoying, but I really tried not to let it get to me. Even after watching her gravitate towards him all night. Every time I would come up to talk to him, she would leave, and every time I would leave, within five minutes she was back talking to him.
I wasn't upset at my FI or anything, because he was just having fun being able to talk French to someone. But it wasn't exactly fun to watch all night.

We were fine yesterday, than at about 10:00 pm, he said "S or D must've given T my number" and he showed me a text from her. It was in French, but he let me put it in the Google translator and it translated out to "We should meet again, is your week busy? It was a pleasure to speak French with you. Until next time -T"

At this point I was just floored, and admittedly furious. FI and I both assumed that D had given her his number, and yeah, at first I had thoughts of them trying to split us up and stuff, but once I calmed down a little I admitted that I had over reacted, but it still bothered me.

I don't know, but I feel its extremely disrespectful of her to give some random girl my FI's number. FI defended her saying that she can be really "simple" sometimes.
(but come to find out today, it was actually S who gave her his number)

I was hoping I would feel better about it today after getting some sleep. but my stomach is in knots and I just feel sick. I don't really know why, I'm trying to just relax about it and not freak out, but I just can't calm down.

Edit: I should add, that I'm mostly just upset that no one else thinks there's anything wrong. S, D and my FI all think its fine because "all parties involved know I'm engaged"

biz717

I see why you're upset Lizziebee... But Linger is right. You don't have anything to worry about. FWIW, I'd probably feel the same way you do. Try not to let it ruin your entire day. I promise you're not crazy; but it's also not nearly as bad as it feels. xo

LizziebeeUT

Its not so much taht I'm "worried" about anything, I turst my FI, but that doesn't mean I have to be happy about this situation.

Part of the reason I'm upset as well is becasue I feel like my FI is being a bit of a hypocrite. I went to lunch with a guy I know a few months ago. This guy had a huge crush on me, and tried to push the boundaries of my relationship. I went to lunch with him to talk to him about it and put a stop to it. My FI still has problems with that. Whenever we have an arguement, he'll bring that up. So he's upset at me for going to lunch with a guy I know, yet he doesn't see anything wrong with this girl wanting to hang out, texting him in a forgeign language etc etc.

LizziebeeUT

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_im-really-trying-not-upset-but-feel-sick-stomach?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:135e8665-a965-46f3-b626-4626265a2881Post:edce6bdd-567b-4dc8-a50e-2fe7b5a3bbf9">Re: I'm really trying not to be upset, but I feel sick to my stomach</a>:
[QUOTE]I understand why you're upset.  I wouldn't like it either, but I don't know if there is anything to *do* in this situation.
Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

I know. I don't think there is anything to do about it. I'm just super stressed and I wish I wasn't! Its just worse now, because when he and I talked about it last night, he agreed that it was wrong and disrespectful, but now that's he's talking to S and D about it, he's changing his tune.

I just feel like he doesn't have my back in this situation and it makes me feel like shiit.
We can't control what his friends do, and I'm not mad at him for S's behavior, but I feel like he doesn't care about my feelings in all this.

NcsuPsych

You know. . this sounds like something straight off of 'Gossip Girl'. . .

alynne1113

I would be upset too, but try and let it go,  at least he was honest with you and she doesn't have a chance.

LizziebeeUT

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_im-really-trying-not-upset-but-feel-sick-stomach?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:135e8665-a965-46f3-b626-4626265a2881Post:2b9fd44d-489a-4b42-859b-905a59cbcf60">Re: I'm really trying not to be upset, but I feel sick to my stomach</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I'm really trying not to be upset, but I feel sick to my stomach : If you're not worried, why are you so upset you're sick to your stomach?  Those were your words, not mine. You're contradicting yourself here.  You trust your FI, you're not worried, but for some reason you're reading ulterior motives into this text from your FI's side.  Who gives a flying fluck what the girl wants if your FI isn't giving in to her? Did your FI agree to hang out with this girl?  If not, I don't see how receiving a text from her, and talking to her at the get together, are comparable to you going on a lunch date with a man you knew to be interested in you, just to say you're not interested.  <strong>And don't tell me it wasn't a lunch date, because I can guarantee you that's how that guy saw it before you let him down</strong>.  You actually met up with this man.  Your FI just has some girl that wants to meet up with him.  Please tell me you're not so blind that you can't see the difference.
Posted by LingerLonger1[/QUOTE]

I didn't think I would have to include every detail of that situation, but I guess I should. It really was more from his end. I didn't go to lunch to "let him down" He knew I was engaged, and felt bad for trying to push things. He asked me to lunch to apologize.

LizziebeeUT

I talked to him about it before we went and he said he was ok. If he wasn't ok with it, he should've said something before we went, not after. Its not my fault he wasn't honest with me, becuase if he wasn't comfortable with it, I wouldn't have gone.

I don't care that he gets texts from girls, but I'm not happy about it coming from a girl who obviously has no respect for the boundaries of our relationship. If she did, she would've had no problem talking to him while I was around.

I think its a little weird that you see nothing wrong with a girl wanting to meet up with an engaged man after meeting at a party.

NcsuPsych

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_im-really-trying-not-upset-but-feel-sick-stomach?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:135e8665-a965-46f3-b626-4626265a2881Post:8deae7a9-5289-4040-bd6d-00a6b28b0462">Re: I'm really trying not to be upset, but I feel sick to my stomach</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I'm really trying not to be upset, but I feel sick to my stomach : I didn't think I would have to include every detail of that situation, but I guess I should. It really was more from his end. I didn't go to lunch to "let him down" He knew I was engaged, and felt bad for trying to push things. He asked me to lunch to apologize.
Posted by LizziebeeUT[/QUOTE]

And he couldn't have apologized via the phone, a letter or better yet, just let it go and move past? A lunch date was a way probably for him to get you to go on a 'date' to 'apologize'. You knew how he felt about you and your FI knew about the situation, yet you still went to lunch with this guy.  That just sounds rather sketchy to me. . .

NcsuPsych

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_im-really-trying-not-upset-but-feel-sick-stomach?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:135e8665-a965-46f3-b626-4626265a2881Post:5aaa0dc8-362f-4f6f-b11f-3418994ea7d7">Re: I'm really trying not to be upset, but I feel sick to my stomach</a>:
[QUOTE]I talked to him about it before we went and he said he was ok. If he wasn't ok with it, he should've said something before we went, not after. Its not my fault he wasn't honest with me, becuase if he wasn't comfortable with it, I wouldn't have gone. I don't care that he gets texts from girls, but I'm not happy about it coming from a girl who obviously has no respect for the boundaries of our relationship. If she did, she would've had no problem talking to him while I was around.<strong> I think its a little weird that you see nothing wrong with a girl wanting to meet up with an engaged man after meeting at a party.</strong>
Posted by LizziebeeUT[/QUOTE]

In most cheating situations, say 'A' cheated on 'B' with 'C'. . for some reason, if 'A' was a Female, she'll most likely go crazy towards 'C' (another female). When really, it'd be 'B' that 'A' should be mad at. . . ya follow?

This chick texted your FI. . your FI isn't interested. Big F'n deal. Forget about miss 'T' lady and continue on with your relationship rather than digging up more issues.

LizziebeeUT

I'm not worried that he's going to cheat on me. I trust him. The thing I'm upset about is his friends thinking its perfectly fine to be giving his number out to random girls.

NcsuPsych

Ok, then tell them that and be done with it. You're making this out to be a huge issue which is simply going to upset you even more and more.

Let it go. You can't control what others do.

emarston1

I have a few questions:

1)  Does T speak English at all?  Is French her first language?  Because if it is, it's possible she doesn't speak English well (or isn't confident in her abilities) so she didn't stick around while you were talking with your FI because she couldn't participate in the conversation.  Then when he was free, she started talking to him again.

2)  Foreign languages don't always translate well.  So maybe the intention/tone behind the text was different than what google translator told you.

3)  So long as your fiance doesn't act on the text, you have nothing to worry about.  If he continues the relationship, then I find him being disrespectful to your feelings because he knows it upets you.  But he can't help it that a girl was given his number (without his knowledge) and she chose to contact him.

But along these same lines, you shouldn't have any contact/lunch dates with the guy who has a crush on you either.  Because regardless of what your fiance says, it clearly bothers him and continuing that friendship is harmful to your current one.

eorea

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_im-really-trying-not-upset-but-feel-sick-stomach?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:135e8665-a965-46f3-b626-4626265a2881Post:1b0ceb9d-cbfb-45ae-a177-b9e6ab31c686">Re: I'm really trying not to be upset, but I feel sick to my stomach</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, <strong>then tell them that and be done with it</strong>. You're making this out to be a huge issue which is simply going to upset you even more and more. Let it go. You can't control what others do.
Posted by NcsuPsych[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This!</div><div>
</div><div>I wouldn't like this either but it isn't a big deal. Your FI did the right thing and was honest. Time to let it go. 
</div>

bandjwedding2012

I can understand why your upset but I think your making so much of this situation. I think that it was rude that they both started speaking another language with you present, and I assume your fiance knows you don't speak french. A few words is fine, spending the whole evening like that is sort of rude in my book. Just my opinion though. 
    She text him, move on, unless he agreed to meet with her and it's at some hotel or something I think you're safe. It seems like he's been up front and honest about his communication with this girl. My fiance has gotten more then one female's number since we've been together. Alot of times it's just super friendly, I can only think of once when it wasn't and he put a stop to it immediately. It sucks that they left you out the night of the party, and maybe his friends should be a little more sensitive, but that being said if you can't trust him when he's being upfront and honest I think you might have some bigger problems.

BunnyChii

Guys hit on me. Girls hit on my FI. Sometimes it's annoying (especially if they don't take "no" for an answer), but we trust each other so it's not a big deal. We usually just laugh about it later or blow it off. We're always honest about it, just as your FI seems to be, so there's no worries.

I do think you're blowing this out of proportion. I'd be annoyed if someone gave an acquaintance my number without asking and my FI would too, whether it was someone of the opposite sex or not. But it's not the end of the world.

My one question is why did your FI "let" you use Google Translator on her message? I thought he spoke French, so he couldn't he just have translated it for you himself?

HobokensFury

Honestly I'd be pissed and let S know.  But that's just my personality flaw- I just can't let things go.

KarleeKrause35

I REALLY don't get the lunch date thing. You said that this guy was pushing the boundaries, yes? If he's that kind of person, I have a hard time believing that he was totally interested in a platonic lunch date. In my experience, feelings cannot just be turned off. And for people like him, they cannot be turned off with logic. (Like the fact that you're engaged and therefore not interested.) It's strange to me that you needed to go to lunch to hash out the boundaries of your relationship. It seems like a one-on-one lunch is a strange way to tell someone to back off.

And, to add to that, I bet your FI thinks you are just as hypocritical as you think he is being right now. He's probably wondering why you get to go to lunch with men who have feelings for you and he's not allowed to meet up with his new French friend. And, I have to ask, if he went to lunch with her specifically to tell her to respect the boundaries of your engagement, would you accept it for what it was, or "feel sick" wondering if it was more than that?

I just think you're having a lot of trouble putting the shoe on the other foot.

emarston1

I have nothing further to add except your doggie is very cute Karlee!!  He made me smile when I scrolled past him

MrsBee11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_im-really-trying-not-upset-but-feel-sick-stomach?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:135e8665-a965-46f3-b626-4626265a2881Post:16e84ed7-dd7a-49be-9060-fc1efe421829">Re: I'm really trying not to be upset, but I feel sick to my stomach</a>:
[QUOTE]Guys hit on me. Girls hit on my FI. Sometimes it's annoying (especially if they don't take "no" for an answer), but we trust each other so it's not a big deal. We usually just laugh about it later or blow it off. We're always honest about it, just as your FI seems to be, so there's no worries. I do think you're blowing this out of proportion. I'd be annoyed if someone gave an acquaintance my number without asking and my FI would too, whether it was someone of the opposite sex or not. But it's not the end of the world. <strong>My one question is why did your FI "let" you use Google Translator on her message? I thought he spoke French, so he couldn't he just have translated it for you himself?</strong>
Posted by BunnyChii[/QUOTE]

I was wondering the same thing. I have a feeling that she wanted to translate it to make sure of what it said. And if that's the case, the whole "I trust my FI" thing doesn't make so much sense.

I can understand not liking the situation, but Linger makes a great point. As long as he's not doing anything, then there's no problems. You can't control that she texted him.

NcsuPsych

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_im-really-trying-not-upset-but-feel-sick-stomach?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:135e8665-a965-46f3-b626-4626265a2881Post:16e84ed7-dd7a-49be-9060-fc1efe421829">Re: I'm really trying not to be upset, but I feel sick to my stomach</a>:
[QUOTE]Guys hit on me. Girls hit on my FI. Sometimes it's annoying (especially if they don't take "no" for an answer), but we trust each other so it's not a big deal. We usually just laugh about it later or blow it off. We're always honest about it, just as your FI seems to be, so there's no worries. I do think you're blowing this out of proportion. I'd be annoyed if someone gave an acquaintance my number without asking and my FI would too, whether it was someone of the opposite sex or not. But it's not the end of the world. <strong>My one question is why did your FI "let" you use Google Translator on her message? I thought he spoke French, so he couldn't he just have translated it for you himself?</strong>
Posted by BunnyChii[/QUOTE]

My assumption to that is he did it so that she would google it and then trust what he was saying in the first place. Like, perhaps OP didnt trust the text since she didnt speak french and OP's FI's told her to google it to confirm what he had already told her? If that makes any sense.

ReturnOfKuus

Reading between the lines, it sounds like you got a vibe from this woman and your FI that they kinda liked each other, and since a vibe isn't anything concrete, you're looking for something factual and solid to pin your bad feeling on.

KatyRoseM

I must say that I would have been annoyed with just the talking in French thing (assuming she could speak English).  Personally I find it really rude when people speak a language others don't speak in front of them.  For me it would make this whole thing worse. 

That being said I have no problem with H texting or hanging out with other girls, other girls who actively keep me out of the conversation, that I have a problem with. 

blush64

Why would a guy out someone's number? I would never think to give out someone's number and especially if they are engaged. I would never think to invite a guy out who has a fiancee. It's not right to me.

I don't care that everyone knows he is engaged, to me that makes it so much worse.

Your FI was rude to continually talk to some girl in a language that you did not understand.

Your FI was right with his reaction. You can't be mad for that. I feel the right thing to do would be for your FI to ignore the text. If he answers it could be to say, "no thanks, I'd rather not meet up."

This girl doesn't respect boundaries. The friend who gave the number doens't repsect boundaries.

I would be annoyed, I would let my FI know. (not at him though) My FI would be mad at his friend. (he would be the type to let his friend know right away he was angry and that was really wrong) I would NOT have gone to lunch with someone who liked me.

Another note...why would you go to lunch with someone who has a crush on you? That's disrespectful to your FI. There was no need for it.

That Gal

I totally understand what others are saying, but as some other posters said, I can't let things go either on most occasions, so you're situation would really bother me. Let S and D know that it was rude to give the number to T.  I know how frustrating it could be, even though it "means nothing".

emarston1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_im-really-trying-not-upset-but-feel-sick-stomach?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:135e8665-a965-46f3-b626-4626265a2881Post:18079e6d-cbac-4152-89f9-f621a7d1f913">Re: I'm really trying not to be upset, but I feel sick to my stomach</a>:
[QUOTE]I totally understand what others are saying, but as some other posters said, I can't let things go either on most occasions, so you're situation would really bother me. <strong>Let S and D know that it was rude to give the number to T.</strong>  I know how frustrating it could be, even though it "means nothing".
Posted by That Gal[/QUOTE]
Her fiance needs to be the one donig this since it was his number they gave out.  If she confronts them she's just a controlling biitch with jealousy issues.  It would be a lot more effective if her fiance approached them about it.

blush64

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_im-really-trying-not-upset-but-feel-sick-stomach?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:135e8665-a965-46f3-b626-4626265a2881Post:8e12fb64-638d-4b4d-b354-b1a6a3d5ec24">Re: I'm really trying not to be upset, but I feel sick to my stomach</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I'm really trying not to be upset, but I feel sick to my stomach :<strong> Her fiance needs to be the one donig this since it was his number they gave out.  If she confronts them she's just a controlling biitch with jealousy issues.  It would be a lot more effective if her fiance approached them about it.
</strong>Posted by emarston1[/QUOTE]

So VERY true. And he need to make it clear HE feels it was wrong, not that he has to say he feels it was wrong.

2BMrsAnthony

I would be UPSET.  Do you know what he texted back to this girl.  IMO he should let her know that he is engaged and that he finds her text inappropriate.  It is DEFINITELY a leading text and she is looking to start trouble.  My comment wasn't meant to get you upset, it's just I have seen too much of this (especially on face_ook). That place can ruin relationships.

emarston1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_im-really-trying-not-upset-but-feel-sick-stomach?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:135e8665-a965-46f3-b626-4626265a2881Post:fb2fd953-e29c-493f-a75c-276261783b25">Re: I'm really trying not to be upset, but I feel sick to my stomach</a>:
[QUOTE]I would be UPSET.  Do you know what he texted back to this girl.  IMO he should let her know that he is engaged and that he finds her text inappropriate.  It is DEFINITELY a leading text and she is looking to start trouble.  My comment wasn't meant to get you upset, <strong>it's just I have seen too much of this (especially on face_ook). That place can ruin relationships.</strong>
Posted by 2BMrsAnthony[/QUOTE]
To me, if facebook can ruin your relationship, you didn't really have that stable of a relationship in general and it was going to happen sooner or later.  If someone is going to cheat, they are going to cheat.  They don't need texts, facebook, myspace, or anything else to do it.  Facebook just facilitates it, it isn't the cause.

AudgiePodge

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_im-really-trying-not-upset-but-feel-sick-stomach?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:135e8665-a965-46f3-b626-4626265a2881Post:c461f437-77eb-42a4-9541-f2a979901ef4">Re: I'm really trying not to be upset, but I feel sick to my stomach</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I'm really trying not to be upset, but I feel sick to my stomach : To me, if facebook can ruin your relationship, you didn't really have that stable of a relationship in general and it was going to happen sooner or later.  If someone is going to cheat, they are going to cheat.  They don't need texts, facebook, myspace, or anything else to do it.  Facebook just facilitates it, it isn't the cause.
Posted by emarston1[/QUOTE]
I agree with this.

EmilyW416

I'd be upset more with someone giving out a number. I personally think thats just plain rude. I can see where you are comming from talking in french, her only being around when your not there. But sort things out with the FI and he didn't act on it so thats a good sign.