MOH last minute switch

mmt5hsu

So i just got an email from my MOH saying that she can't make it to the rehearsal dinner because she didn't book a flight early enough (she lives out of town). My sister is my only BM, and now I'm thinking that they should change roles since my sister is the one who has been helping me with all the planning anyway, and she can actually show up to the reheasrsal. Bad idea?

 On a side note, the wedding is two weeks away and I'm getting frustrated that we've been engaged for a year and a half and it seems that NOW everyone is getting flaky and making it hard not to stress. Anyone else have these issues? thanks!

CTGirl30

20 people are going to tell you this is a terrible idea and yet you continue to give us more snippets of information wondering if anyone will suddenly say, "Ah! Yes, well given that's it's a Catholic ceremony - by all means, do the ole switcharoo!"  Nope.  It's bad form.

It's also bad form to select BP on who will do more for you - or to want to switch around titles so late in the game (promoting / demoting, effectively) based on who has done what or been able to attend more things.

Just leave things as they are. It's a wedding - not rocket science.

ETA - just read your last post (we must have been typing at the same time) - v. glad to hear you've decided to just leave things as they are.

trix1223

I'm glad you've decided against switching.  Because there really isn't any reason.  One of my DD's BMs couldn't make it to the rehearsal for work reasons.  It's really not that hard to walk down an aisle and hold the bride's bouquet. 

Be happy that your dear friend will be next to you on your wedding day.  And just to emphasize what the other ladies here have said:  Your wedding=yours to plan.  A WP is NOT, at all, in any way shape or form, your wedding planners. 

They are dear friends and family that you're including in your wedding day. 

MISSCOURTNEY20

I'm just wondering why you asked someone from out of town to be your MOH when your sister was in town and you made her a BM. My sister is my Matron of honor and is literally doing NADA. But its no big deal because I have a WEDDING COORDINATOR!!

mmt5hsu

just out of curiosity, then, why do we have a MOH and BM? if you aren't supposed to care who does what orwho stands where, and the chuch doesn't care either, then what's the difference?

I've read in every wedding planning book that I've read that the MOH and BM have different roles and have different expectations at the ceremony, so that's where I'm coming from in asking about role reversals (and before the wedding, too, as far as planning the wedding shower, etc.)...is that all antiquated now or what?

aerinpegadrak

The only extra roles for the MOH are:

- Hold the bride's bouquet
- Arrange the bride's train
- Sign the license
- Give a toast if she chooses

It's just a way to provide a little bit of extra honor to your closest friend.  If she chooses to do anything beyond that, then it's just a nice bonus.

mmt5hsu

Miss Courtney,

 I originally DID ask my sister to be my MOH...she said no.

she's a super cool gal and said I should have my best friend be my MOH, and she insisted she be my BM, even though she has done ALL the planning.

My BM and MOH :These two ladies are both wonderful, and I know either one of them would be just fine if I switched their roles. However, I DON"T want to be rude to the people I love, so since I don't know wedding etiquette, I thought I'd ask here first.

Also, when I asked Jen (my best friend) to be my MOH, she said close to the same thing my sister did: "whatever you want I'll do, but shouldn't your sister be the MOH since she will be doing all the planning?"

so I just picked the roles and went from there. Hope this helps fill in the story....

xoxob

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_moh-last-minute-switch?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:15b0521e-8673-485a-88ea-b6aadf81fe12Post:c9ff4965-f4cc-44ee-938b-eb4310c087e6">Re: MOH last minute switch</a>:
[QUOTE]wow. it's not a fairy tale expectation...I just honestly didn't know that you could be a BM or a MOH and it doesn't matter for the ceremony (why the difference, then? oh well moving on). I've already decided to not ask them to switch roles since apparently they both just stand there. So thanks for the advice that was helpful in that regard. Not sure why I'm getting attacked for asking for some advice, but anyway.
Posted by mmt5hsu@yahoo.com[/QUOTE]

No one attacked you, padme.

BUT to be fair to the rest of us, you could have lurked the boards a little and discovered that no one, not no one will ever say, "Sure switch it up, sweetie, you MUST be the very one exception to the rule."

Sorry. No gold stars and no exceptions. If you want validation talk to your diary.

Good job on making the correct call though, fist pump...or whatever.

mmt5hsu

"The only extra roles for the MOH are:

- Hold the bride's bouquet
- Arrange the bride's train
- Sign the license
- Give a toast if she chooses

It's just a way to provide a little bit of extra honor to your closest friend.  If she chooses to do anything beyond that, then it's just a nice bonus."

Thanks for the info! So, you mean to say that all of the extra stuff "they" say a MOH should do: help pick out dresses, plan the wedding shower, etc., are just for whoever can do them, right?

Dang, makes me wonder why wedding planning books even publish anymore? All they seem to do is confuse me: I feel like weddings nowadays can be whatever you want, so the books end up being an unhelpful mix of tradition and misinformation. Bleck! Hope I'm not the only one who feels that way...

mmt5hsu

"Sorry. No gold stars and no exceptions. If you want validation talk to your diary."

No, I want advice, not validation. Just preferably not with snide comments included. I'm not stupid, I'm just trying to understand the rules. Apparently, the rule is that you don't switch roles in the wedding party. I get that, so I'm not going to ask my friends to switch, and i thank everyone who took the time to respond. I just think that the advice doesn't have to be rude or make me feel like I'm an idiot for even asking this question.

aerinpegadrak

Yeah, the books suck.  I'm a week away from my wedding and I didn't read a single one.  They're just designed to help the Wedding-Industrial Complex make money.

spinner84

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_moh-last-minute-switch?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:15b0521e-8673-485a-88ea-b6aadf81fe12Post:63779aa1-9d86-44ff-a8e0-b7b19a0fa163">Re: MOH last minute switch</a>:
[QUOTE]just out of curiosity, then, why do we have a MOH and BM? if you aren't supposed to care who does what orwho stands where, and the chuch doesn't care either, then what's the difference? I've read in every wedding planning book that I've read that the MOH and BM have different roles and have different expectations at the ceremony, so that's where I'm coming from in asking about role reversals (and before the wedding, too, as far as planning the wedding shower, etc.)...is that all antiquated now or what?
Posted by mmt5hsu@yahoo.com[/QUOTE]
Honestly no idea, I think it's a bit ridiculous to have a huge wedding party, and bride and groom should only have one attendant. I have my sister as MOH and my FI's sister's as BM because I couldn't convince him to have her as his groomswoman.

[Deleted User]

I'm sorry that you felt like an idiot after reading the answers. That was not my intent, but I have to say that it shouldn't take a message board to tell you that demoting an MOH is not a good idea.

I get that you read books that told you there were "duties", but how did you expect to go about getting them to perform their "duties"? The answer is, you don't. You obviously knew this because you didn't ask them to do things that they did not offer to do in the first place. I think you just need to follow your gut more.

MyNameIsNot

Yes, it would be a huge insult to demote your MOH.  You just don't treat people that way, even if you think she would be ok with it.  It's a horribly nasty thing to do.  Her duties as MOH are to get a dress and smile at the ceremony.  That's it.  So acting like it's her fault for living out of town is ridiculous.

Yes, I had a catholic ceremony, with a mass.  My MOH walked up the aisle, sat in her seat, and held the bouquet during our rings.  That's it.  There's nothing she needs to figure out or be at the rehearsal for.  You and your BM can fill her in on the day of.  

xoxob

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_moh-last-minute-switch?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:15b0521e-8673-485a-88ea-b6aadf81fe12Post:7274b9e9-c567-4305-8b72-b50f7d5939d3">Re: MOH last minute switch</a>:
[QUOTE]"Sorry. No gold stars and no exceptions. If you want validation talk to your diary." No, I want advice, not validation. Just preferably not with snide comments included. I'm not stupid, I'm just trying to understand the rules. Apparently, the rule is that you don't switch roles in the wedding party. I get that, so I'm not going to ask my friends to switch, and i thank everyone who took the time to respond. I just think that the advice doesn't have to be rude or make me feel like I'm an idiot for even asking this question.
Posted by mmt5hsu@yahoo.com[/QUOTE]

You continually tried to ignore everyone's answer of "no" with reasons. You got the advice you were looking for. We are who we are and we answer how we answer. It's a mixed bag when you ask a public forum like the internet.

We all also commended you for making the right call. So...hooray!

tracy_k

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_moh-last-minute-switch?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:15b0521e-8673-485a-88ea-b6aadf81fe12Post:4e97cd61-beee-44ff-bd69-b7c3fd253ab6">Re: MOH last minute switch</a>:
[QUOTE]Does it matter that my sister has done all of the planning in lieu of the MOH doing anything? I just feel that the MOH has more of a role to play in the wedding, and that if she can't be there to know her role, it would be less stressful on her to be a BM (who doesn't have such a role to play), and less stressful for me, too. Does that change anyone's answer?
Posted by mmt5hsu@yahoo.com[/QUOTE]

No, that's just petty.

Certainly you or one of your bridesmaids can explain any additional ceremony tasks (holding the bouquet while you exchange rings, arranging your train, etc) once she arrives.

Missing the rehearsal is not that big a deal.

Blueyed228

MMT:  If you are not going to take the advice, then don't.  Just because you read some books on the topic does not mean it is the right thing to do.  Some books tell you registering for a honeymoon and asking for cash is ok too.  They even give you pretty poems to lessen the blow.  Doesn't make it ok.

People are not being rude to you.  You just don't like the answers.  You can keep going back to the "roles" argument all you want, but we are telling you (over and over) what the "roles" are. 

It is no ones job to plan your wedding, shower, etc.  You choose your wedding party because they are your closest friends and family and you are honoring them by making them part of your day.  I'm sorry you see it differently.

Kristin789

>>just out of curiosity, then, why do we have a MOH and BM? if you aren't supposed to care who does what orwho stands where, and the chuch doesn't care either, then what's the difference?

The Maid of Honor or Matron of Honor is your very closest friend, who has been with you through thick and then, who you have talked to about all twists and turns of your relationship/engagement with FI, who you have shared details about your life.  And you will have emotionally engaged in her life and supported and encouraged her.

Once chosen as MOH, usually that person DOES help with some planning details and helps with a bridal/wedding shower, etc.

And after the wedding, the MOH signs the marriage certificate as one of the two official wedding witnesses, and serves as a marriage mentor for you and DH throughout your marriage.

A bridesmaid is a girl who you're friends with, and who you think would be a good and positive person to support and encourage you through your engagement  and through the wedding ceremony and reception.  The BMs do not sign official, legal paperwork as wedding witnesses, and there is no expectation that the BM should function as any kind of special person in the bride's life after the wedding day.

trix1223

MMT:  the kind of places you're seeing "duties" and other silliness are wedding magazines, websites, and tv shows.  Their sole purpose is to convince you that  you must buy the products their advertisers are pushing or your wedding won't be special, memorable, creative, unique, or wonderful.

It's just silly, and you need to avoid getting sucked into the bloated wedding machine.  You'll still be just as married if you don't have Swarovski studded toasting flutes as you will if you borrow two glasses from the venue.

You'll still be just as married if you arrive at the ceremony in your uncle's car as you will if you arrive in a super stretch limo.

You'll still be just as married if you do your own hair and makeup as you will if you do your own.

And the list goes on and on and on and on.

FWIW:  no one has to throw a shower, b-party, or e-party.  They are gifts that someone offers, and if no one offers, you don't have one.  No one has to help you plan your wedding.  Your wedding = yours and your FIs to plan.

If people offer and you choose to accept their offer, great.  If they don't offer-you do it yourself.  WP members don't have to go venue hunting, address envelopes, stuff envelopes, make favors, attend tastings, shop for your wedding dress, decorate the church or reception venues, make bouquets, make OOT bags, choreograph special dances, or any of the other silliness that you're likely to see on "WP DUTIES" checklists.

Good luck to you.  Enjoy your wedding.  And enjoy your MOH.  Just don't lose sight of what's supposed to be happening, and what some clever marketer convinces you is supposed to be happening.

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_moh-last-minute-switch?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:15b0521e-8673-485a-88ea-b6aadf81fe12Post:3e224178-9110-44ce-95b8-a6f80e9ded59">Re: MOH last minute switch</a>:
[QUOTE] />>just out of curiosity, then, why do we have a MOH and BM? if you aren't supposed to care who does what orwho stands where, and the chuch doesn't care either, then what's the difference? <u><em><strong>The Maid of Honor or Matron of Honor is your very closest friend, who has been with you through thick and then, who you have talked to about all twists and turns of your relationship/engagement with FI, who you have shared details about your life.  And you will have emotionally engaged in her life and supported and encouraged her. Once chosen as MOH, usually that person DOES help with some planning details and helps with a bridal/wedding shower, etc. And after the wedding, the MOH signs the marriage certificate as one of the two official wedding witnesses, and serves as a marriage mentor for you and DH throughout your marriage. </strong></em></u>A bridesmaid is a girl who you're friends with, and who you think would be a good and positive person to support and encourage you through your engagement  and through the wedding ceremony and reception.  The BMs do not sign official, legal paperwork as wedding witnesses, and there is no expectation that the BM should function as any kind of special person in the bride's life after the wedding day.
Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

Okay, except no.  My MOH was my sister and didn't know all the "twists and turns" of my relationship with my DH.  She still doesn't.  My relationship with my DH is our business. 

MOH doesn't have to provide any parties.  And most certainly doesn't have to be a "marriage mentor" either.  WTH is that, anyway?

Finally, in my DDs wedding last July in Pa. there were no signatures required on the license, other than the bride, groom and minister. 

Kristin, is it at all possible that you could actually fast forward to the 21st century?

quotequeen

There really aren't any rules about who the maid of honor has to be.  In fact, you could have two maids of honor, or zero.  Everybody could be bridesmaids, or you could not have a wedding party at all.  When you designate somebody as maid of honor, it should be because you want to honor your relationship with that person.  When you demote or switch people around, you are basically saying that you no longer honor that relationship as much.  When you do it because of what people have done for you in planning your wedding, throwing parties, etc., it looks like you choose your friends based on what they do for you rather than who they are.

There may end up being other differences between MOH and BM.  The MOH will be the one who walks in right before you and stands next to you.  She may give a toast.  She may offer to throw you a shower or coordinate your bachelorette party.  But she should not be chosen because she will do these things, and whether or  not she does them should not affect your relationship, which means it should not affect whether you should keep her as MOH.

Kristin789

>>Kristin, is it at all possible that you could actually fast forward to the 21st century?

  Well, I'm in a region of the country that holds fast to etiquette and tradition, and this question about the difference between the MOH and BM looked like an etiquette/tradition-type question.

And it's my understanding that PA is one of very few states NOT to mandate two legal witness signatures on the wedding certificate, so while YOU are in the 21st century with that, the rest of us aren't there yet.

And here's one way that you mentioned, but that the South HAS moved into the modern times:  we no longer think it's mandatory to have your sister as your MOH just because you came from the same gene pool.  The MOH here is almost always your closest friend, someone who is plugged into your life as you are plugged into hers.  And if that description better fits your FRIEND rather than your SISTER, then your friend should be your MOH and your sister should be your BM.

deepcovejackie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_moh-last-minute-switch?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:15b0521e-8673-485a-88ea-b6aadf81fe12Post:3e224178-9110-44ce-95b8-a6f80e9ded59">Re: MOH last minute switch</a>:
[QUOTE] /> />Once chosen as MOH, usually that person DOES help with some planning details and helps with a bridal/wedding shower, etc. And after the wedding, the MOH signs the marriage certificate as one of the two official wedding witnesses, and serves as a marriage mentor for you and DH throughout your marriage.
Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]


I"m going to get a glass of wine.  Who's with me?   *sigh*

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_moh-last-minute-switch?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:15b0521e-8673-485a-88ea-b6aadf81fe12Post:58dba17c-71dc-4cfc-9b95-cdfdc8475c39">Re: MOH last minute switch</a>:
[QUOTE] />>Kristin, is it at all possible that you could actually fast forward to the 21st century?   Well, I'm in a region of the country that holds fast to etiquette and tradition, and this question about the difference between the MOH and BM looked like an etiquette/tradition-type question. And it's my understanding that PA is one of very few states NOT to mandate two legal witness signatures on the wedding certificate, so while YOU are in the 21st century with that, the rest of us aren't there yet. And here's one way that you mentioned, but that the South HAS moved into the modern times:  we no longer think it's mandatory to have your sister as your MOH just because you came from the same gene pool.  The MOH here is almost always your closest friend, someone who is plugged into your life as you are plugged into hers.  And if that description better fits your FRIEND rather than your SISTER, then your friend should be your MOH and your sister should be your BM.
Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>You live in a very different south than I do.  </div><div>
</div><div>Here in Georgia, we have moved into the 21st century.  Couples pay for their own weddings, MOHs are frequently long distance, and most adults keep the majority of their relationship details within their relationships.  </div><div>
</div><div>You live in some kind of weird 1950's bubble, and your continual generalizations about the rest of the south are getting to be offensive.  

</div>

amwilli5

I think she'll be able to follow along the day of, it's not exactly hard to do.  Just mak sure you tell her before walking down the aisle if there is something she needs t walk around a particular way that sort of thing. Would you be doing the same thing in your MOH's flight was delayed and she couldn't get there on time? I was MOH in my best friends wedding 2 years ago and my flight way delayed and delayed for 7 hours and her grandparents had to pick me up at the airport after the rehearsal.  Things happen and sometimes you just can't get a flight.  

CTGirl30

I'm still wondering WTH Kristin means by a "marriage mentor."

impslave

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_moh-last-minute-switch?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:15b0521e-8673-485a-88ea-b6aadf81fe12Post:90d5a1f6-422b-4326-a198-c2dff75ae9f6">Re: MOH last minute switch</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm still wondering WTH Kristin means by a "marriage mentor."
Posted by CTGirl30[/QUOTE]

Oh, you know!  That's the woman who is supposed to provide an example of how to have a happy marriage.  Like my mom, no wait.  She got out of a shitty marriage after putting up with my now ex-stepfather after 21 years.  There's my aunt, oh ooops.  She recently left her alcoholic abusive husband after a shitty marriage of 20 someodd years.  And there's my MOH!  Wait, she's single and knocked up from the guy who dumped her a few months ago and came crawling back.

Geez, guess I don't have anyone to mentor me through my marriage and I'll have to figure it out as I go. 

sapphirebaby926

Kristin you must live in a totally different South than I do - I'd appreciate it if you didn't make statements about people that live in the South that make the rest of us look bad

starryskies407

well, obviously this is answered and your good. my suggestion would have been to ignore role specific role duties and if you made ANY change, have it be so that your sister gets honored in how shes helped out. I was going to suggest then to promote your sis to MOH and simply have 2 MOHs. It wouldnt matter too much for the ceremony...just decide who walks first. That way, your friend would get the honor of being your closest friend and your sis would get the honor of being your sis and having helped out alot.

Of course, once you got further on and said that they were both aware their roles and all of you knew who was going to actually be able to help out and such and since they dont seem to care about the title, then dont worry about it. If you have two people in your wedding party who dont care about titles and such, consider yourself lucky and enjoy their love for you!