Am i being unreasonable?

Rachel405

Disagreement over alcohol. Fi and I both don't drink and my family doesn't drink. We are paying for the wedding ourselves- me about 6-7k and him about 1000. I live at home so don't pay rent n can contribute more. He just informed me he wants there to be alcohol for his family.... I think that's ridiculous if they aren't giving us any money who cares? Basically his total contribution is going to getting his family alcohol. It's a Sunday afternoon wedding too like wtf. Ughhhhh help! Not trying to be controlling but this seems wack.

AdeleDazeem

It's an afternoon wedding so it's not like people are going to get sloshed.  What about just offering beer or just champagne?  Your liquor bill will be small since only half of the guest list will even be looking for alcohol.

Compromise is a good thing!  Tell him how you feel but try to come up with a way that keeps both of you happy.

However, if it doesn't come down to it, having a dry wedding is absolutely fine. 

J&K10910

Well, maybe look at it this way.  If you DON'T provide alcohol, you're accommodating your family but not his.  If you do, then you're accommodating his family and not hurting anyone in yours.

I don't think alcohol is necessary at weddings, especially Sunday afternoon weddings, but if this is something your FI feels strongly about, it's worth at least a discussion.  You don't have to have a complete open bar, maybe beer and wine is a good compromise.

Either way, it's his wedding too, and you guys should sit down and have a discussion about it.

J&K10910

As far as who is paying for what, aside from the few things here and there that my parents paid for, my H paid for almost everything else.  I wasn't able to contribute much.  Together, we set a budget.  As long as the things WE wanted were within that budget, it wasn't a problem.  Even things that mattered more to me than him (like having out of season peonies in my bouquet). 

So, if providing some alcohol is within your budget, then my advice above stands.  But if it's something you guys just can't afford, then that's a different story.  Either way, you need to set a budget and go with it.  And don't nickel and dime who is paying for what, or you're in for a world of hurt once you're married.

RamonaFlowers

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-i-being-unreasonable?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:1efded90-dca5-4228-89aa-4380641daec4Post:f42ff5db-8b8a-4cda-a050-5bca2b28787f">Re: Am i being unreasonable?</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, maybe look at it this way.  If you DON'T provide alcohol, you're accommodating your family but not his.  If you do, then you're accommodating his family and not hurting anyone in yours.
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

Ditto.

If he wants booze and is willing to put up the money for it at <strong>his own wedding</strong> (You're not the only one getting married that day, you know), I think you need to just get over it.

J&K10910

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-i-being-unreasonable?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:1efded90-dca5-4228-89aa-4380641daec4Post:9148a697-cb72-4505-8a6b-b04e0509cf8c">Re: Am i being unreasonable?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am i being unreasonable? : Ditto. If he wants booze and is willing to put up the money for it at his own wedding (You're not the only one getting married that day, you know), I think you need to just get over it.
Posted by RamonaFlowers[/QUOTE]

Well, I wouldn't go that far.  I mean...it's THEIR wedding budget.  It's not like he's making a set contribution to one particular thing like a parent might.  I think they need to be in agreement, but I definitely think there are compromises to be had here.

ShakeUpTampa

I agree with small selection. If you want a smaller one do mixed cocktails. We have two alcohol fountains going at ours. One wtih rum and one with vodka. About half the people coming drink and other half don't. It is up to them what they drink. Otherwise there is a wide selection of other beverages.

RamonaFlowers

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-i-being-unreasonable?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:1efded90-dca5-4228-89aa-4380641daec4Post:c706b71a-ffe7-4f78-b572-559aae65a855">Re: Am i being unreasonable?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am i being unreasonable? : Well, I wouldn't go that far.  I mean...it's THEIR wedding budget.  It's not like he's making a set contribution to one particular thing like a parent might.  I think they need to be in agreement, but I definitely think there are compromises to be had here.
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

I could be presuming a lot here, but I'm kind of reading the OP like she's saying "Well, <strong>I'm </strong>contributing x, and he's <strong>only</strong> contributing z", so to her, what she wants is more important, because she's spending more. Which is a pretty unreasonable attitude to me.

If this is normally how they view their money and that's how they want to do it, fine, but then I think he most certainly gets to say what he's spending "his" money on.

NcsuPsych

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-i-being-unreasonable?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:1efded90-dca5-4228-89aa-4380641daec4Post:f160f778-8f6c-4bd0-be4b-2ef5fb75e370">Re: Am i being unreasonable?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am i being unreasonable? : I could be presuming a lot here, but <strong>I'm kind of reading the OP like she's saying "Well, I'm contributing x, and he's only contributing z", so to her, what she wants is more important, because she's spending more. Which is a pretty unreasonable attitude to me.</strong> If this is normally how they view their money and that's how they want to do it, fine, but then I think he most certainly gets to say what he's spending "his" money on.
Posted by RamonaFlowers[/QUOTE]

You're not the only one that read it that way.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-i-being-unreasonable?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:1efded90-dca5-4228-89aa-4380641daec4Post:4ffb2807-aa7b-4a30-934c-69c14dc0d9d6">Am i being unreasonable?</a>:
[QUOTE]Disagreement over alcohol. Fi and I both don't drink and my family doesn't drink. We are paying for the wedding ourselves- me about 6-7k and him about 1000. I live at home so don't pay rent n can contribute more. He just informed me he wants there to be alcohol for his family.... I think that's ridiculous if they aren't giving us any money who cares? Basically his total contribution is going to getting his family alcohol. It's a Sunday afternoon wedding too like wtf. Ughhhhh help! Not trying to be controlling but this seems wack.
Posted by Rachel405[/QUOTE]

I think his family shouldn't even be invited if they aren't helping pay for your wedding.

Does your FI also live at home?

Bay21

I know how you feel in a way. My fiance and I are straight-edge so we don't drink alcohol, but all of our family does (partially why we're straight-edge!) and our friends definitely do (college kids haha). But it is our wedding, and even though people for the most part assume that there will be alcohol, we're having a dry wedding. Those that know us best, have expected this, but for those who don't we (like you) are having a Sunday afternoon wedding as to avoid the "let's get wasted and dance like sluts!" expectation and then let-down. 

That being said, you should compromise. If my fiance said we should provide alcohol for his family, I would allow it but not a whole lot it. You really shouldn't be seeing this as "his contribution is tiny compared to mine." You are both contributing to the wedding, trying to make as enjoyable for the invites (within reason) whom you have invited to share in you and your fiances love, and eternal union. It shouldn't be about who is spending more, but about having a happy day! 

As some PP's have said you can do things like limit how much and what type of alcohol etc by only providing champagne or beer or some such. Plus, as you stated, it's a Sunday afternoon, so unless you are inviting a bunch of frat boys, I highly doubt that anybody would get smashed at the wedding. 

J&K10910

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-i-being-unreasonable?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:1efded90-dca5-4228-89aa-4380641daec4Post:f160f778-8f6c-4bd0-be4b-2ef5fb75e370">Re: Am i being unreasonable?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am i being unreasonable? : I could be presuming a lot here, but I'm kind of reading the OP like she's saying "Well, I'm contributing x, and he's only contributing z", so to her, what she wants is more important, because she's spending more. Which is a pretty unreasonable attitude to me. If this is normally how they view their money and that's how they want to do it, fine, <strong>but then I think he most certainly gets to say what he's spending "his" money on.</strong>
Posted by RamonaFlowers[/QUOTE]

I agree that her attitude about who's spending more money is totally unreasonable.  But the statement you made that I bolded is then the same thing, except just opposite.  So, if you were saying that to make a point, then yes.  But if not, I don't find that sort of attitude to be any  better than OP's.

Rachel405

Thanks for all the tough love. I was being a brat. It is HIS wedding too. We decided to do 4 beer options and 2 whites and 2 reds, and paying by consumption. I appreciate all the comments.

J&K10910

Sounds like a good compromise!  Glad you were able to work it out.

NcsuPsych

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-i-being-unreasonable?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:1efded90-dca5-4228-89aa-4380641daec4Post:b946413a-65fc-4570-a5ba-3c95a3653003">Re: Am i being unreasonable?</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for all the tough love. I was being a brat. It is HIS wedding too. We decided to do 4 beer options and 2 whites and 2 reds, and paying by consumption. I appreciate all the comments.
Posted by Rachel405[/QUOTE]

Sounds like a great compromise! Hope ya'll have a blast! :)

sonya+adam

That sounds like you made a great compromise! Glad everything was able to work out for you!

RamonaFlowers

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-i-being-unreasonable?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:1efded90-dca5-4228-89aa-4380641daec4Post:2ad95c5c-3ff5-406e-9991-adb14f2e43d0">Re: Am i being unreasonable?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am i being unreasonable? : I agree that her attitude about who's spending more money is totally unreasonable.  But the statement you made that I bolded is then the same thing, except just opposite.  So, if you were saying that to make a point, then yes.  But if not, I don't find that sort of attitude to be any  better than OP's.
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]


Had to disappear for errands, but yes, I was really just trying to make the point of how silly it sounded to view it like "My money vs. his money" thing when it comes. to a rather large joint expense. Guess I just fell victim to that whole "It sounded much more clear in my head than it did in print" thing, lol

OP, I'm really glad you guys were able to reach a good compromise that worked for both of you!

lgiorno

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-i-being-unreasonable?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:1efded90-dca5-4228-89aa-4380641daec4Post:3091bbdf-d95e-4482-9ac1-f4004c16841a">Re: Am i being unreasonable?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Am i being unreasonable? : I think his family shouldn't even be invited if they aren't helping pay for your wedding. Does your FI also live at home?
Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

<div>Maybe his family can't afford to help pay.  You can't exclude his family because they can't afford it!  </div>

ChristineNB

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-i-being-unreasonable?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:1efded90-dca5-4228-89aa-4380641daec4Post:3091bbdf-d95e-4482-9ac1-f4004c16841a">Re: Am i being unreasonable?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Am i being unreasonable? : I think his family shouldn't even be invited if they aren't helping pay for your wedding. Does your FI also live at home?
Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]
I think this comment is a bit much.  Lots of parents don't give a dime for their children's wedding.  My parents are not contributing at all, and of course they will be there.  I don't expect them to help pay, nor do I want them to help pay.

I think the OP and her fiance need to sit down and talk about this.  How many guests would actually be drinking?  How much money are the two of you willing to budget for alcohol?  Where would the money come from?

NcsuPsych

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-i-being-unreasonable?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:1efded90-dca5-4228-89aa-4380641daec4Post:e070fb1b-e2cd-4ca6-8516-a40cbf026aff">Re: Am i being unreasonable?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am i being unreasonable? : I think this comment is a bit much.  Lots of parents don't give a dime for their children's wedding.  My parents are not contributing at all, and of course they will be there.  I don't expect them to help pay, nor do I want them to help pay. I think the OP and her fiance need to sit down and talk about this.  How many guests would actually be drinking?  How much money are the two of you willing to budget for alcohol?  Where would the money come from?
Posted by ChristineNB[/QUOTE]

I do believe that Ziti's comment was mean't to be read in the 'sarcasm font'. . .

Rachel405

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-i-being-unreasonable?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:1efded90-dca5-4228-89aa-4380641daec4Post:b946413a-65fc-4570-a5ba-3c95a3653003">Re: Am i being unreasonable?</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for all the tough love. I was being a brat. It is HIS wedding too. We decided to do 4 beer options and 2 whites and 2 reds, and paying by consumption. I appreciate all the comments.
Posted by Rachel405[/QUOTE]

Thanks for all the posts after this one but I think we settled it.