2 siblings weddings, scheduled at the same time.. :(

khill4784

my FI and i got engaged feb 2012 but decided to have a long engagement so we could get to a better place financially (since we are paying for the wedding ourselves). even though we havent set a date, we have told everyone that it will be this fall, hopefully in october, but we will know for sure in early feb when we make it official.

we just found out yesterday that his brother (who got engaged 2 weeks ago) is planning to have their destination wedding in october too. my FI parents actually said to me that we need to rethink our wedding plans so we dont "burden" everyone with 2 weddings so close together. it was also suggested that we take our honeymoon to jamacia so we are able to attend their wedding.

my FI and i are really upset and hurt that WE are the ones looking inconsiderate and the ones that are EXPECTED to bend. i dont think it's fair. usually we are the bigger people and just go with the flow in order to keep the peace and not create any issues. but i feel this is wrong of them to ask of us, since our intentions were known and have been for the past year. i dont feel like we should back down and just do what makes everyone happy, but i also dont want to have huge issues within the family. 

has anyone ever dealt with a situation like this? any advice to offer?

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_2-siblings-weddings-scheduled-at-the-same-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:1f0c3a09-b779-41d3-a2d4-04677344b7fdPost:c05655f1-3734-4765-b631-16cd2921cfe9">2 siblings weddings, scheduled at the same time.. :(</a>:
[QUOTE]my FI and i got engaged feb 2012 but decided to have a long engagement so we could get to a better place financially (since we are paying for the wedding ourselves). even though we havent set a date, we have told everyone that it will be this fall, hopefully in october, but we will know for sure in early feb when we make it official. we just found out yesterday that his brother (who got engaged 2 weeks ago) is planning to have their destination wedding in october too. my FI parents actually said to me that we need to rethink our wedding plans so we dont "burden" everyone with 2 weddings so close together. it was also suggested that we take our honeymoon to jamacia so we are able to attend their wedding. my FI and i are really upset and hurt that WE are the ones looking inconsiderate and the ones that are EXPECTED to bend. i dont think it's fair. usually we are the bigger people and just go with the flow in order to keep the peace and not create any issues. but i feel this is wrong of them to ask of us, since our intentions were known and have been for the past year. i dont feel like we should back down and just do what makes everyone happy, but i also dont want to have huge issues within the family.  has anyone ever dealt with a situation like this? any advice to offer?
Posted by khill4784[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Until you book your venue, your date isn't set.  It sucks that they are getting married in the month you'd hoped to have yours, but expecting your FBIL and his FI to put <em>their</em> lives and plans on hold while you and your FI save up money and wait to plan is completely unfair and ridiculous.  The fact that you got engaged first is completely irrelevant.  They set a date first.    </div><div>
</div><div>You can go ahead and schedule your wedding whenever you like, but as your FILs have pointed out, it would probably be inconvenient for family to have both weddings within a few weeks of each other.  When you do decide you are ready to start planning, pick the date that works for you and your VIPs, considering the FBIL's date.  

</div><div>If you don't want to take your HM to make a single trip out of FBIL's wedding, don't.  No one but you and your FI get to decide when or where you'll take your HM.  </div>

HobokensFury

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_2-siblings-weddings-scheduled-at-the-same-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:1f0c3a09-b779-41d3-a2d4-04677344b7fdPost:c05655f1-3734-4765-b631-16cd2921cfe9">2 siblings weddings, scheduled at the same time.. :(</a>:
[QUOTE]my FI and i got engaged feb 2012 but decided to have a long engagement so we could get to a better place financially (since we are paying for the wedding ourselves). even though we havent set a date, we have told everyone that it will be this fall, hopefully in october, but we will know for sure in early feb when we make it official. we just found out yesterday that his brother (who got engaged 2 weeks ago) is planning to have their destination wedding in october too. my FI parents actually said to me that we need to rethink our wedding plans so we dont "burden" everyone with 2 weddings so close together. it was also suggested that we take our honeymoon to jamacia so we are able to attend their wedding. my FI and i are really upset and hurt that WE are the ones looking inconsiderate and the ones that are EXPECTED to bend. i dont think it's fair. usually we are the bigger people and just go with the flow in order to keep the peace and not create any issues. but i feel this is wrong of them to ask of us, since our intentions were known and have been for the past year. i dont feel like we should back down and just do what makes everyone happy, but i also dont want to have huge issues within the family.  has anyone ever dealt with a situation like this? any advice to offer?
Posted by khill4784[/QUOTE]

I hate to tell you this but you're overreacting.  You have been engaged for a year and have no real plans.  "Hopefully October" doesn't count as a save the date.  Even though FBIL just got engaged 2 weeks ago they are further along in the planning process because they have a date and location.  Although they may not have gone about it in the proper way I can see where your FIL are coming from not wanting 2 weddings in the same month.  It's not like they asked you to change your plans- you didn't have any.  In the end you can still get married in October and you may lose some guest or you can pick a different date. It's up to you.

JoeAnne2013

Agreed with previous posts.

allychase

In Response to Re:2 siblings weddings, scheduled at the same time.. ::[QUOTE]In Response to 2 siblings weddings, scheduled at the same time.. ::my FI and i got engaged feb 2012 but decided to have a long engagement so we could get to a better place financially since we are paying for the wedding ourselves. even though we havent set a date, we have told everyone that it will be this fall, hopefully in october, but we will know for sure in early feb when we make it official. we just found out yesterday that his brother who got engaged 2 weeks ago is planning to have their destination wedding in october too. my FI parents actually said to me that we need to rethink our wedding plans so we dont "burden" everyone with 2 weddings so close together. it was also suggested that we take our honeymoon to jamacia so we are able to attend their wedding. my FI and i are really upset and hurt that WE are the ones looking inconsiderate and the ones that are EXPECTED to bend. i dont think it's fair. usually we are the bigger people and just go with the flow in order to keep the peace and not create any issues. but i feel this is wrong of them to ask of us, since our intentions were known and have been for the past year. i dont feel like we should back down and just do what makes everyone happy, but i also dont want to have huge issues within the family.nbsp; has anyone ever dealt with a situation like this? any advice to offer?Posted by khill4784Until you book your venue, your date isn't set. nbsp;It sucks that they are getting married in the month you'd hoped to have yours, but expecting your FBIL and his FI to put theirnbsp;lives and plans on hold while you and your FI save up money and wait to plan is completely unfair and ridiculous. nbsp;The fact that you got engaged first is completely irrelevant. nbsp;They set a date first. nbsp; nbsp;You can go ahead and schedule your wedding whenever you like, but as your FILs have pointed out, it would probably be inconvenient for family to have both weddings within a few weeks of each other. nbsp;When you do decide you are ready to start planning, pick the date that works for you and your VIPs, considering the FBIL's date. nbsp;If you don't want to take your HM to make a single trip out of FBIL's wedding, don't. nbsp;No one but you and your FI get to decide when or where you'll take your HM. nbsp; Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

Where did she say she wants them to change their plans? She just said she doesn't want to be told when to plan her own wedding and where to honeymoon. And last time I checked we tell all brides they get one day, so if OP still wants to get married in October she is more than welcome. And OP, if your in laws wedding is in Jamaica I have a hard time believing you will be the one with less guests. Go ahead and pick a date and if anyone has an issue with it remind them you are only solidifying the plans you have been considering for months. I get being annoyed that they picked the same month as you but as long as you aren't expecting contribution from your in laws you can get married on whichever date works best for you.

AdeleDazeem

Honestly, OP - I think this sucks.  So many opportunities for communication were missed here and now you have to deal. 

I agree with the PPs that you didn't have a firm date, just a vague idea, so your fiance's brother/future wife did have the right to choose what they did.  What matters now is how you respond to this.

Realistically look at your finances and the big picture when it comes to picking your wedding date in February.  Consider a date in September or November in addition to some in October.  Ally is correct that they only get one day, but when it comes to siblings, it is best to offer a little buffer room so family doesn't have to shell out so much money at one time.  I'd aim for a month.

Yes, it sucks.  But remember - until you pick a date, you really don't have any plans.  Things change.  Roll with it because this is going to be your future family and, while speaking with you and your fiance would have been nice, it wasn't mandatory.

Good luck.

JaxInBlue

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_2-siblings-weddings-scheduled-at-the-same-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:1f0c3a09-b779-41d3-a2d4-04677344b7fdPost:5bbbfa38-64c4-4332-89da-577314beee9c">Re: 2 siblings weddings, scheduled at the same time.. :(</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly, OP - I think this sucks.  So many opportunities for communication were missed here and now you have to deal.  I agree with the PPs that you didn't have a firm date, just a vague idea, so your fiance's brother/future wife did have the right to choose what they did.  What matters now is how you respond to this. Realistically look at your finances and the big picture when it comes to picking your wedding date in February.  Consider a date in September or November in addition to some in October.  Ally is correct that they only get one day, but when it comes to siblings, it is best to offer a little buffer room so family doesn't have to shell out so much money at one time.  I'd aim for a month. Yes, it sucks.  But remember - until you pick a date, you really don't have any plans.  Things change.  Roll with it because this is going to be your future family and, while speaking with you and your fiance would have been nice, it wasn't mandatory. Good luck.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

Agree with this.  A lot about your date is beyond your control based on venue and vendor availability; until you start booking anything, you don't have a date.  For what its worth, DH and I saved a bunch of money by picking November over October since it was considered off-season.

lyndausvi

I'm sorry, the situation really sucks.  But in their defense they should not be forced to put their lives on hold simply because your haven't made any firm plans.


You are well within your right to continue your plans for an October wedding.  You might get fallout from the in-laws.  I'll admit I would be highly annoyed at 2 siblings wedding within a few weeks.  Only you can decide if it's worth it.     

 If you keep planning a fall wedding, would you even be able to attend your FBIL's wedding?   We all have different dynamics with our families, so what works for me will not work for everyone.  PERSONALLY, as much as I would be annoyed how it effects my own wedding I would have a really hard time NOT attending one of my sibling's weddings.    If I didn't have any concrete plans I would more than likely make other plans.  That way I could attend my sibling's wedding and still have the type of wedding I wanted (I may or may not put off the HM). This is based on my own relationship with my family. Yours might be different.

I know that is not always possible financially, vacation wise or heck it's just not as important to some people to attend a sibling's wedding as others.  

zantster

khill4784, you said "we have told everyone that it will be this fall, hopefully in october"  You sent an extremely mixed message by saying "it will" and then "hopefully" at the same time, which sounded like you and FI were and are still unsure since you didn't say definitely.  Fall as you know can be anywhere between September and November.  That is not unfair of them at all.  It is unfair of you to expect everyone to hold off until you figure things out, which as of now you still haven't right?  Pick another date.  And you can still have your fall wedding.  November is gorgeous as well in the midwest where we are.

lls31

OP, you say that they are also planning for an October wedding.  Have they actually booked it?  If they're in the same boat as you and nothing has been booked yet, I would think you could have a deeper discussion with both them and your FI's family.  I know that if the same situation would've happened with my sister and me, I could've gone to her and said, "You know, we really had our hearts set on getting married that month.  Is there any way we can work something out that would be convenient for our family?"  My sister would've been more than understanding.  If you think a conversation between your FI and his brother would help, I say go for it.

However, before you overreact about October, do you even know if there is any availability at the venues you like?  We wanted to get married in October.  We started looking at venues 13 months in advance and none of the venues we liked had any availability in October.  Considering you're 9 months out, you might have issues and you might have to rethink your month of choice anyway.  

allychase

I guess it depends what day in October they're getting married. If there's a difference of 3 weeks or so, it could be doable. I understand the initial frustration and foot stomping, but realize you have to get over that soon OP.

NYCMercedes

Khill, I feel badly for you that your plans were upset when they chose a date close to one you had been considering for a long time. Nevertheless, they acted on that date before you were ready to make a decision. I feel badly also that your future in-laws asked you to change your plans. They were out of line bringing up your honeymoon. Your job now is to make the best of the lousy situation with your new choices. We can't tell you the best course of action. Just remember that October is still hurricane season and Jamaica is frequently directly adversely affected.

Sassenach1743

Your heart is set on October of this year and you don't have a venue booked? That's not a good sign... considering October is the new June in wedding world, I think you may have some difficulty finding a preferred venue that is still available. By the time you start "making it official" in February your timeline will already be pushed to 8 months out, and that's really tight since venues tend to book up at least a year in advance. Maybe I'm wrong, and your area doesn't see much traffic but as PP have mentioned, October is still considered on-season for weddings. 

I think you need to regroup and reign in your emotions. Sit down with your FI and go over your finances to figure out what you can afford and how soon you can pull it together. If you have venues in mind call them now! Get all the information you can to help you make your decision. 

Also, focus on the BIG picture! You're getting married! That's what is really important, not the date. Think about the kind of wedding you want; style and size... this alone will start dictating when and where you end up having it.

As for your FBIL and his FI, don't worry about their plans. Focus on your own. If you make an issue out of this it is liable to be get out of control and then you'll have excessive drama on your hands that is not worth it. Weddings make people extremely emotional and sometime unreasonably crazy... don't be this person. Be happy. As long as you end up married and have a beautiful wedding that should be enough... don't get tripped up over the date.

jenajjthr

I got engaged on Thanksgiving day of 2010.  FI posted it on FB announcing to all that we were engaged.  ExH called and yelled at me for not considering his feelings and telling him before it went public (yes he has major issues).  Fast forward to NYE and he proposed to his gf.  By this time we had set a month that we wanted (Oct), started looking at venues, getting prices, etc.  We set our date (1st) booked the venue and all was good.  I then get a phone call from ex asking what day we were doing and then said that they were thinking about that day as well and what time was our wedding, perhaps our kids (minor children) could be at both.  He got mad that I picked that day be "FI always wanted a wedding in Oct" and I was ruining that for her.  I reminded him that he knew of our plans before he proposed, I didn't know he was proposing, and that there were 30 other days in the month he could pick from.  To this day they find ways to let me know how I ruined their plans. 

What I'm saying is that there will be somebody you upset if you continue to pick a day in Oct.  That being said there are 31 days in that month and you could possibly have each wedding 4 weeks apart if one picks a day at the beginning and one picks a day at the end.  Talk to your BIL (you and FI together, not through FFIL) about what exact day they want and where you can put yours to space them out as far as possible. 

HuckSC

If one of your in-laws actually stated that you need to take your honeymoon in Jamacia to be at the other wedding, they are being completely ridiculous.

beardo1111

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_2-siblings-weddings-scheduled-at-the-same-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:1f0c3a09-b779-41d3-a2d4-04677344b7fdPost:253b769d-c6ea-4523-97bc-b204d9d873bd">Re: 2 siblings weddings, scheduled at the same time.. :(</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Your heart is set on October of this year and you don't have a venue booked? That's not a good sign... considering October is the new June in wedding world, I think you may have some difficulty finding a preferred venue that is still available</strong>. By the time you start "making it official" in February your timeline will already be pushed to 8 months out, and that's really tight since venues tend to book up at least a year in advance. Maybe I'm wrong, and your area doesn't see much traffic but as PP have mentioned, October is still considered on-season for weddings.  I think you need to regroup and reign in your emotions. Sit down with your FI and go over your finances to figure out what you can afford and how soon you can pull it together. If you have venues in mind call them now! Get all the information you can to help you make your decision.  Also, focus on the BIG picture! You're getting married! That's what is really important, not the date. Think about the kind of wedding you want; style and size... this alone will start dictating when and where you end up having it. As for your FBIL and his FI, don't worry about their plans. Focus on your own. If you make an issue out of this it is liable to be get out of control and then you'll have excessive drama on your hands that is not worth it. Weddings make people extremely emotional and sometime unreasonably crazy... don't be this person. Be happy. As long as you end up married and have a beautiful wedding that should be enough... don't get tripped up over the date.
Posted by brita722[/QUOTE]

This is what I was thinking....I got engaged in March 2012 and in April we booked a venue for September 2013. We were going for a Saturday night and two Saturdays that month were already booked....we booked the third.  Wanting a long engagement doesn't preclude doing some planning early on.....and as PP's have said if you didn't have a venue or a date you didn't really have dibs on that month. 

khill4784

a lot more information was found out after i posted this. it was just a bunch of miscommunication, and therefore caused some conflicting plans. which sucks. but it is what it is!! my fiance and i had a long talk about things and  like usual he made everything better. our talk helped me change my whole attitude about it. i mean, we're getting married! it's a celebration! and im SO far from the type to be a raging biatch or "bridezilla"... so i have embraced it all and i am a glowing bride to be we decided to just go on as we planned and not worry about everybody else. we picked a date and booked our venue for the wknd before his brothers. we would have liked for it to a few more weeks away from theirs, but we were limited on dates.  but like someone else said, not many ppl are attending his brothers wedding so its not having a huge affect on ours. i appreciate the advice, and regret how i made myself look like whinny baby in my original post lol... damn weddings can make ya crazy!!! lol