Which choice should I make

borderpatrolwifey2be

I just need advice ... I'm caught between a rock and a hard place.

My fiance's sisters and I don't really get along. We will get along for his sake. But I can definitely tell where Im not wanted with them. And this year christmas is at his older brothers house. There is going to be a total of without FI and I 9 people and 3 dogs ... if fi and I go it will be 11 and 4 dogs. I have no problem going over for the day and hanging out but FMIL wants us to stay christmas eve night and then spend the day there as well. I understand they are used to sharing one bathroom for 8 people and taking short showers and everything, but I am not used to that. And I don't like doing it when I have done it. I have a little sister, and I lived with my dad most the time so I really was a single child who only had to share the bathroom with my dad and step b!tch.

I mentioned about his sisters because I can only stand being around them together for shorts bursts of time. Separate and I can be around them for hours. But together...they just irritate the f-bomb out of me!! The younger one told me I am not her sister because her brother and I weren't married and I wasn't blood related. Also that when we get married I will only be her sister-in-law never her sister. Which I have bent over backwards for his family, taking his dad to the ER and called all 6 kids and the mom to give a play by play what was happening at the hospital. Little things like that and the still won't accept that FI choose me, and Im not going anywhere....

So do I stay the night with all of them, and try to put on a happy face for FI, or do I make him pick christmas eve or christmas day with them. Since we have been together we have yet to spend a holiday with my family, and every single one with his, not a big deal since they are 6 hours away. But I feel hurt because I don't want to spend all that time with his family being ignored, not being treated like I am going to be married to their son/brother soon...I dont know what to think or do. FI is leaving the choice up to me... so I will be upset if we stay the night, and he will be upset if we don't go at all. But If we go only one of the days his mom and sisters will throw a big fit and say thats another reason why they don't want me apart of their family.

Plus his older brothers dog bullies my dog, and I can't just leave my dog home alone unattended!!

borderpatrolwifey2be

Sorry, thats way longer than I thought it was going to be >:(

borderpatrolwifey2be

I guess that makes sense. I wasn't trying to complain.. just give all the details.

And yes marrying my brother would be weird but I forgot to post that I love his sisters like they are my own flesh and blood. I don't think about oh we aren't married yet so you aren't my little sister yet. I love them and treat them like my own sisters.

But you are right. I guess I can just suck it up. I'm still getting used to the whole 'conforming' bit. I've never really liked to do things just people everyone does them, or doing things the way everyone else does. I dance to the beat of my own drum as my FI puts it.

And I realize I am probably going to get more negative comments about being a selfish child, or immature or whatever. But we all need to realize this is the internet, and you don't know me personally, and you only know what I have posted on this post, and the few others that I have posted on...

So I wasn't trying to come off selfish or immature. Just posted it wrong, sometimes I don't explain my self very well over the internet.

SarahPLiz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_choice-should?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:20ab3cd5-10ce-4db8-91c7-25b28d5ffe17Post:c6426421-35fb-415b-88d5-be3c01abcad9">Re: Which choice should I make</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess that makes sense. I wasn't trying to complain.. just give all the details. And yes marrying my brother would be weird but I forgot to post that I love his sisters like they are my own flesh and blood. I don't think about oh we aren't married yet so you aren't my little sister yet. I love them and treat them like my own sisters. But you are right. I guess I can just suck it up. I'm still getting used to the whole 'conforming' bit. I've never really liked to do things just people everyone does them, or doing things the way everyone else does. I dance to the beat of my own drum as my FI puts it. And I realize I am probably going to get more negative comments about being a selfish child, or immature or whatever. But we all need to realize this is the internet, and you don't know me personally, and you only know what I have posted on this post, and the few others that I have posted on..<strong>. So I wasn't trying to come off selfish or immature. Just posted it wrong, sometimes I don't explain my self very well over the internet.</strong>
Posted by borderpatrolwifey2be[/QUOTE]

<div>That happens. Its ok. I wasn't attacking you but I wanted to let you know how it sounded, so that if you expressed yourself that way to your FI or his family, that's the way it would sound. </div><div>
</div><div>Also realize that his sisters may be jealous of you taking their brother's attention. My little sister told me at the wedding that after 4 years, and even with us not living in the same state for the past 13 years, she still has a hard time thinking about sharing me with H. She's 21. </div>

borderpatrolwifey2be

Oh okay that makes sense! Thank you! And I can see how it could sound that way!! Anyways thank you for the advice!!! I will really try hard to just put my feelings aside and be happy!

jessienjeremy

I agree with posters. Sounds like you just need to do it and get it over with. My family is 1,000 miles away so I dont ever get holidays with them. We are always with FI's family. This year My mom and my brother are here so I get to have christmas day with them and we doing christmas eve with FI's family.  ITs all about compromise. 

LoveMuffins

Ugh, I am in a similar situation to you... my FBIL is EXACTLY like the sister you described, right down to feeling that I am not a "real" member of the family. Basically... all you can do is ignore that, and perhaps suggest to your FI that NEXT year you travel the 6 hours and spend the holiday weekend with your family (not unreasonable).

My solution would be to take a shower before going over there, spend the evening and the next day, and then go home the next evening and take another shower to wash off any negativity you may have experienced.

My own personal way of dealing with unwelcoming FBIL is to stay away from where he is as much as possible. With as many as 9 other people, there have to be other family members that you get along better with and can talk to. It sucks, because that one unwelcoming family member can really just put a damper on the whole day, but the best solution is to ignore them because they're LOOKING to hurt you and create drama. Everytime you wish you could reach out and slap them, just remind yourself that the more you ignore their verbal jabs, the more it will annoy them that they can't "get" to you.

And maybe you could have your pup stay at someone else's house for the night?  A friend's or neighbors?

noodle_oo

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_choice-should?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:20ab3cd5-10ce-4db8-91c7-25b28d5ffe17Post:1758e913-a100-4575-82b0-574e044b20c0">Re: Which choice should I make</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Which choice should I make : Huh?  Those directly contradict each other.
Posted by jcbsjr[/QUOTE]

Yeah, I was goign to say that too.  Your original post makes you sound pretty mean, and like you REALLY don't like your FILs.  The fact of the matter is, they are not your blood family and unless you are really lucky, they may never feel like <strong>your</strong> relatives.  You just have to learn to deal with being aroudn them because unforutnately, you are stuck wtih them whether you like it or not. 

borderpatrolwifey2be

Well, I meant to say they get along with me for his sake. I treat them like my blood. Took his sister to get her permit an hour away because her parents couldnt afford it and their cars don't get good gas mileage. Offered to pick up his other sister 3 hours away so she could come home for the holidays. And like I said I have a hard time expressing myself sometimes over the internet.

But those are ll very good points. That's why I needed advice, or a different point of view. At work today I was thinking about showering the night before and then showering after I got home and just doing something simple on friday so saturday I can have room to play around with it.

JJWillis3

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_choice-should?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:20ab3cd5-10ce-4db8-91c7-25b28d5ffe17Post:9b4f48bf-0594-430e-b42c-3129a9d2a7c3">Re: Which choice should I make</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Ok this is the thing, holidays suck. Spending time with family (even your own) gets on people's nerves. A bunch of people crammed into a house for the holidays is never really fun. But as an adult we realize that you have to put on a happy face & play nice. You are marrying into the family. Plus, just keep telling yourself the holidays only happen once a year & deal with spending the night.
</strong>Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]


Quote unquote... this. This this this.

borderpatrolwifey2be

So we are going, and staying the night. Im going to shower before we go over & when we get back. I even offered to have one of his sisters ride with us so their truck isn't so full. Got my smile on, and Im ready to roll! Thanks for the eye opening

J&K10910

Hold on, am I the only one that sees that you've NEVER spent a holiday together with your family, and you spend all of them with his??  Obviously it's too late this year, but my family is 5 hours away and we still alternate holidays. 

I don't think that's fair.  I think you guys need to spend some holidays with YOUR family next year.  Unless, of course, you don't want to, but that doesn't sound like the case.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_choice-should?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:20ab3cd5-10ce-4db8-91c7-25b28d5ffe17Post:022ac573-b3cd-4dee-bbc7-2f8cb4ffac1f">Re: Which choice should I make</a>:
[QUOTE]Hold on, am I the only one that sees that you've NEVER spent a holiday together with your family, and you spend all of them with his??  Obviously it's too late this year, but my family is 5 hours away and we still alternate holidays.  I don't think that's fair.  I think you guys need to spend some holidays with YOUR family next year.  Unless, of course, you don't want to, but that doesn't sound like the case.
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]
Well, that might not be entirely fair.  We spend every holiday with DH's family...  because my family doesn't spend holidays together.  We're all so scattered around the country that getting us all in the same place at once is pretty much impossible.  I don't really begrudge DH the opportunity to hang out with his family just because I can't do the same with mine.

Not that this is necessarily OP's case, but it's not automatically unreasonable for the holidays to be lopsided.

J&K10910

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_choice-should?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:20ab3cd5-10ce-4db8-91c7-25b28d5ffe17Post:af150c16-4987-4886-8027-b44e0e534674">Re: Which choice should I make</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Which choice should I make : Well, that might not be entirely fair.  We spend every holiday with DH's family...  because my family doesn't spend holidays together.  We're all so scattered around the country that getting us all in the same place at once is pretty much impossible.  I don't really begrudge DH the opportunity to hang out with his family just because I can't do the same with mine. Not that this is necessarily OP's case, but it's not automatically unreasonable for the holidays to be lopsided.
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

That's a good point, I just feel like if OP didn't WANT to see her family on the holidays she wouldn't have brought it up, so to me it seemed like she wanted to see them, KWIM?  But you do make a valid point--in fact that's how we figure out our holidays.  FI's family does a huge Thanksgiving, and my family really doesn't.  FI's family really doesn't do Christmas, an dmine does.  So we do Thanksgiving with his, Christmas with mine. 

borderpatrolwifey2be

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_choice-should?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:20ab3cd5-10ce-4db8-91c7-25b28d5ffe17Post:022ac573-b3cd-4dee-bbc7-2f8cb4ffac1f">Re: Which choice should I make</a>:
[QUOTE]Hold on, am I the only one that sees that you've NEVER spent a holiday together with your family, and you spend all of them with his??  Obviously it's too late this year, but my family is 5 hours away and we still alternate holidays.  I don't think that's fair.  I think you guys need to spend some holidays with YOUR family next year.  Unless, of course, you don't want to, but that doesn't sound like the case.
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

Thanks I didn't want to sound like I was complaining or being selfish...But yes I do want to spend it with my family. I have not had a Christmas with my family since 2007, or a Thanksgiving with my family since 2008. All holidays have been with FIs.Granted I have sad okay, money for gas is expensive I will just compromise and maybe next year (I HATE confrotations, and fighting!) and every year I say the same thing...So I am really upset this year that his mom threw a sinker and we have to spend it with his family, when my family is in a cabin 3 hours away.

borderpatrolwifey2be

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_choice-should?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:20ab3cd5-10ce-4db8-91c7-25b28d5ffe17Post:f2cd47ce-78a8-4212-93fc-019ad26d77e3">Re: Which choice should I make</a>:
[QUOTE]Sorry, but I have to project here....I got into this my first marriage<strong>. His mother expected everyone to come to her house, bring their gifts to put under her tree, and spend the night. Picture over 30 people in a small house. Sleeping bags even in the hall, and stepping over people to get to the bathroom.</strong> In the morning, kids fighting over whose gifts are whose, broken toys, bleary-eyed adults. It wasn't fun. I took it in the "spirit of family" then told my husband we'd open our gifts at home, stay at our home, then come to her house for dinner. The rest of the family, relieved, immediately followed suit....but she tagged me as the eeeeviiiiil DIL who ruiiinnnnnnned Chrrrriiiiiissssmasss.... (I still hate that that witch is above ground and my wonderful husband is dead). Set limits NOW. Have a talk with your fiance. Tell him why you don't want to do this. Getting out of it later will be harder and uglier.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]
100% True for us/his family/etc. They have 6 kids by themselves, and the 4 oldest ones have dogs, 1 with 2 dogs, 1 with 3,  and they also <strong>have</strong> to bring their dogs (they are apart of the family too! And I can't leave my dog home alone for 2 days.) So imagine 9 kids (right now, the youngest 2 still don't have serious relationships) 7 dogs, a brand new baby, and his parents, all in a one story house, with only one bathroom...

J&K10910

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_choice-should?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:20ab3cd5-10ce-4db8-91c7-25b28d5ffe17Post:e44df3ee-3662-45e1-baca-05ba9b6d1d33">Re: Which choice should I make</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Which choice should I make : Thanks I didn't want to sound like I was complaining or being selfish...But yes I do want to spend it with my family. I have not had a Christmas with my family since 2007, or a Thanksgiving with my family since 2008. All holidays have been with FIs.Granted I have sad okay, money for gas is expensive I will just compromise and maybe next year (I HATE confrotations, and fighting!) and every year I say the same thing...So I am really upset this year that his mom threw a sinker and we have to spend it with his family, when my family is in a cabin 3 hours away.
Posted by borderpatrolwifey2be[/QUOTE]

You're being walked all over, from the way this post sounds.  As much as it's nice to avoid confrontation, all it will do is lead to building resentment.  Find a different way to compromise.  Spend a little less on Christmas gifts so you can spend more on gas to see your family.  I bet everyone (especially your family who I'm sure will be thrilled just to see you for a holiday) will understand.   You need to end this cycle or you'll never spend a holiday with your family again, and you'll keep putting on a happy face while the resentment builds and builds until you explode. 

Getting married is about compromising on BOTH sides.  You're not compromising--compromising involves both sides make a bit of a sacrifice.  You're giving in to avoid confrontation.