Help Settle a Disagreement

emeejeeayen

Option A: if you hurt someone's feelings unintentionally, you shouldn't apologize because you didn't mean to hurt their feelings.

Option B: If you hurt someone's feelings unintentionally, you should apologize because you didnt mean to hurt their feelings. 

Which do you agree with? 

(Assume in both instances the person with hurt feelings is someone you care about a great deal.)

QueerFemme

I say, an apology is appropriate.  Required? No. But, appropriate.  You aren't necessarily apologizing for the original action, but you can certainly say "I'm really sorry that your feelings were hurt over this". 

mcda04

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_help-settle-a-disagreement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:239a7f92-920e-49a3-8f32-54dd3ff53cb1Post:b8cc3810-80c9-4494-a6ed-f470dae13102">Help Settle a Disagreement</a>:
[QUOTE]Option A: if you hurt someone's feelings unintentionally, you shouldn't apologize because you didn't mean to hurt their feelings. Option B: If you hurt someone's feelings unintentionally, you should apologize because you didnt mean to hurt their feelings.  Which do you agree with?  (Assume in both instances the person with hurt feelings is someone you care about a great deal.)
Posted by emeejeeayen[/QUOTE]

I voted B. it doesn't matter if you meant it or not, the other person is hurt and you should apologize.

We all have days where we're super sensitive and my H usually "hurts my feelings" unintentionally during these days. I tell him "that was not cool, you hurt my feelings" and he says "i didn't mean it like that, I'm sorry" done. forgive and foget. It's usually something silly though and we end up laughing about it a few days later.

emeejeeayen

Trying hard not to vent too much, lol. I agree with all of the above, so I'll share (vaguely) what sparked this:

My FI is overly sensitive. He gets hurt by the slightest things, and then (even worse in my opinion) he tries to pretend he isn't upset (worse because I'm not given the opportunity to explain myself and apologize immediately - he lets it fester). I always apologize because at the very least I didn't mean whatever I did/said to be taken the way it was. 

I rarely get my feelings hurt, but when my FI does something or says something that does hurt my feelings, I tell him, and he refuses to apologize because he "didn't mean it that way." He takes the stance that it's not his fault I misinterpretted things.  And I think that hurts my feelings the most. 

It's especially excellent when these things happen while I'm both PMSing and my mom is visiting

QueerFemme

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_help-settle-a-disagreement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:239a7f92-920e-49a3-8f32-54dd3ff53cb1Post:0af8105d-66a9-480c-b1fe-ee39144af3a9">Re: Help Settle a Disagreement</a>:
[QUOTE]Trying hard not to vent too much, lol. I agree with all of the above, so I'll share (vaguely) what sparked this: My FI is overly sensitive. He gets hurt by the slightest things, and then (even worse in my opinion) he tries to pretend he isn't upset (worse because I'm not given the opportunity to explain myself and apologize immediately - he lets it fester). I always  apologize because at the very least I didn't mean whatever I did/said to be taken the way it was.  I rarely get my feelings hurt, but when my FI does something or says something that does hurt my feelings, I tell him, and he refuses to apologize because he "didn't mean it that way." He takes the stance that it's not his fault I misinterpretted things.  And I think that  hurts my feelings the most.  It's especially excellent when these things happen while I'm both PMSing and my mom is visiting ;)
Posted by emeejeeayen[/QUOTE]


ugh. that sucks.  We have a rule in our house that if someone gets their feelings hurt, we apologize.  It doesn't mean that the same thing won't happen again, it just means, that I'm genuinely sorry that you are feeling sad/hurt/upset by something I did. (this isn't as much of a "rule", as much as it is, the way we choose to commuicate with each other).   We really try to be intentional about taking care of each other's feelings. 

He doesn't have to be sorry that he said or did what he did, and that you took it the wrong way, but can be "sorry" that you are feeling sad about it.

Vivi+Pete

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_help-settle-a-disagreement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:239a7f92-920e-49a3-8f32-54dd3ff53cb1Post:0af8105d-66a9-480c-b1fe-ee39144af3a9">Re: Help Settle a Disagreement</a>:
[QUOTE]Trying hard not to vent too much, lol. I agree with all of the above, so I'll share (vaguely) what sparked this: My FI is overly sensitive. He gets hurt by the slightest things, and then (even worse in my opinion) he tries to pretend he isn't upset (worse because I'm not given the opportunity to explain myself and apologize immediately - he lets it fester). I always  apologize because at the very least I didn't mean whatever I did/said to be taken the way it was.  I rarely get my feelings hurt, but when my FI does something or says something that does hurt my feelings, I tell him, and he refuses to apologize because he "didn't mean it that way." <strong>He takes the stance that it's not his fault I misinterpretted things. </strong> And I think that  hurts my feelings the most.  It's especially excellent when these things happen while I'm both PMSing and my mom is visiting ;)
Posted by emeejeeayen[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>But it IS his fault that he has not learned to communicate in such a way that his words don't unintentionally hurt your feelings. Maybe he should work on that.

</div>

emeejeeayen

Agree with the above again. I'd be cool with an acknowledgement, but I don't think it's that much further to just say I'm sorry. He does neither because he doesn't think he's in the wrong. I've noticed that if I start to cry when I'm telling him my feelings are hurt that I tend to get an apology, but honestly, I'm not a big crier unless I'm super hungry/tired/etc, and it's wack to feel like I have to force an exaggerated emotion to be taken seriously. 

emeejeeayen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_help-settle-a-disagreement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:239a7f92-920e-49a3-8f32-54dd3ff53cb1Post:5c10ef30-6745-4584-9a20-ca9ed9ee0d16">Re: Help Settle a Disagreement</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help Settle a Disagreement : Can you just say this to your Fi?  Like, not in the heat of the moment, but when you both have some downtime, without visitors and with no other stressors.  Bring up the issue, and say something along the lines of "I get that you don't want to apologize when you've done nothing wrong, but it helps me feel better to get some form of acknowledgement of my hurt feelings, and I feel like it's wack to have to force an exaggerated emotion just to be taken seriously.  I hope you can take my emotional response seriously even if you don't necessarily understand why I'm so hurt."  Then it's not about him doing anything wrong, but rather about an emotional need you have in the relationship.  He should be able to work with you on figuring out a solution.
Posted by kwitherington[/QUOTE]

<div>We've been together for 5 years, and lived together for over 3 of them, so I've done this many times. I've tried serious face to face conversations. I've tried light face to face conversations. I've tried emails. I've tried letters. </div><div>
</div><div>Usually I just get bored of the tension so <em>I</em> end up apologizing for being emotional (I do tend to find them embarrassing), but I don't want to do that anymore. </div><div>
</div><div>I think I'm just at a place where it's like, he responds so childishly when he's upset, I'm inclined to just try that route. For years I've been heartily against the silent treatment because I find it so obnoxious and pointless, but if he thinks it's worthwhile, I'll give it a shot. </div>

RailWayWife

Personally I dont think I would appologize. I would however explain myself, if I didnt mean it to be upsetting or rude there was probably a miscommunication or someone took what I said the wrong way, explaining what I meant would probably help resolve any issue.

emeejeeayen

For anyone interested - somehow I got through to him and he apologized.