inlaw drama for engagement party

soontobett

My fiance and i are pretty young (19) but are truly, deeply in love and we have been for years. Unfortunately, we are only freshmen in college and he works full time and goes to school, so he still lives at home. We are very tight on money, so he probably won't have a place of his own until after college. His parents won't awknowlege our engagement until he moves out, but my family is totally behind it. My mom and I really want to have an engagement party to celebrate, especially since I won't get to actually celebrate the wedding for a few years (after we graduate). His family is very blunt, and my family is kind of snootie. Also, my parents are in the middle of a divorce. I want to celebrate, but not have to deal with drama, which i'm sure there would be plenty of. What should I do?

bbyckes

Well, it seems that either way you will be dealing with drama.  If you're dead-set on an engagement party and your mother has offered, have her host it.  Invite his family and don't begrudge them if they don't come. 

You have to realize that a lot of people won't take your engagement seriously because of your age and it sounds like you both are pretty reliant on parents.  How many years have you been "deeply in love"?  Just curious.

[Deleted User]

Well, I'm of the mindset that a couple shouldn't even think about getting engaged until they've lived together awhile, and am always skeptical of engagements where the couple's ages end in 'teen'. So, I see where your FI's family is coming from. He still lives with them and is supported by them, so it's not surprising they wouldn't take you seriously.

That being said, if your mom wants to hold an an engagement party, then by all means have one. Invite FI's family, and if they don't come, don't sweat it. You don't want their negativity bringing down the party anyway. But, drama is a part of all families, no way to completely avoid it.

krmabojo

Since you are only 19 many people will say this is way too young to even think about getting married.

It is good you want to wait to get out of school until you have a wedding.

If you are going to wait that long, what is the point of having a ring and being engaged if you already KNOW it is going to happen?

There is someone I know who was dating a guy for 1 1/2 years and he proposed. They are not getting married until 2015. I think that is crazy.

trix1223

If you are, truly "deeply in love", you won't lose anything by holding off on an engagement and wedding planning.

Wait until you're both through school-or at least wait for another 3 years to get engaged.  If you are "deeply in love", what's the hurry?  Nothing will change in your relationship.  What do you actually have to GAIN by being engaged?  Nothing really.

I agree with pp that I have a concern about anyone being engaged when A) they don't have an education yet and their age ends in "teen".

Give it time.  If you're truly deeply in love, you'll still be deeply in love in three years.

redheadfsu

What should you do? Wait.

Sorry, I'm blunt.  If you have to wait, then wait to get engaged too. Long engagements are fine (I'm in one) , but not when you have never lived on your own or been a real adult. Plus I'm in family law so I'm jaded.

bethsmiles

Agree with a lot of what the other ladies said, except i don't think you need to live together before you get married. A lot of couples don't live together before they get married. Do you need to live on your own without help from your parents? yes! Do you need to be financially stable/independent? yes! Do you have to live with your fiance? no! I'm saying you can't I just don't think you have to. Its against my personal beliefs (not saying that its better or anything it just is for me) and if it is against yours I wouldn't want you to think you needed to just because of this board.

Also, its good you are waiting until after college. That shows good judgement. I know a lot of people who have gotten married young and made it work. Its not impossible, but you need to be ready to face a lot of difficult decisions and make scarifies. I also know people who got married young and weren't ready for it. Strangers on this board can only offer general advice since we will never know your whole situation but if I were you I would take into consideration any negative or less than supportive reactions you are getting because people who aren't a part of your relationship will always see things that you don't. There is rarely any harm in waiting.

To answer your original question; If your mom wants to throw you an engagement party then let her. But don't throw one for yourself that's bad etiquette. Be polite to your FI's parents because you don't want to cause problems but you will never be able to completely avoid family drama. Just use your common sense and you should be fine.

goheels05

I agree with bbyckes. 

I don't agree that you have to live together before you are married, but I do think you need some life experience before you are married (graduating, living on your own, getting a job, paying bills, etc).  Your brain isn't fully developed and matured until you are about 25, so you are going to change a lot in the next few years.  I thought I was going to marry my boyfriend when I was 19.  That would have been the worst mistake of my life.  It takes a lot more than being "deeply in love" to make a marriage work.

Good luck to both of you.

Ken&Cass

If you are already on a tight budget hosting an engagement party sounds like an added expense, and really it's not even necessary.

jenn.daniel

I'm glad your family supports you.  If your mom wants to throw an engagement party, that'd be great.  Maybe it will help his parents realize that this is something that's going to happen.  Waiting until you finish school is very responsible of you.  

I am a proponent of living on your own for a while before you get married, so I can see where his parents are coming from.  They also just might not be ready to give up their son. 

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_inlaw-drama-engagement-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:2474ed74-9b2f-40c7-94f9-64110fc5b130Post:c7abeea6-ee46-423d-b206-a5ba6175eb74">Re: inlaw drama for engagement party</a>:
[QUOTE]If you are already on a tight budget hosting an engagement party sounds like an added expense, and really it's not even necessary.
Posted by Ken&Cass[/QUOTE]

SHE doesn't pay for the e-party. The person hosting it (her mom) does.

That said, that's just one tiny consideration in this trainwreck of... I don't even know what.

elspeth1

I don't think I agree with a lot of what was said. I'm 21 years old, I will be 23 when I'm married. Both my FI and I still live with our parents and we are not waiting till we graduate to get married (mainly beucase we are both going for Dr. and it would take forever). My FI and I both have 2 jobs and are paying bills (phone, car, and school). Do I think yhou need to live on your own before getting married? No. Do I think getting married at 19 is a good idea? No, but your not your only engaged and your waiting until school is over. Do you feel as if your making the right move for you? I can't answer that but, if you do, do what feels right for you.  I know of a lot of women who got married young and it lasted.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_inlaw-drama-engagement-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:2474ed74-9b2f-40c7-94f9-64110fc5b130Post:9b3c4459-135f-4c07-aef0-8bd7066be5df">Re: inlaw drama for engagement party</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think I agree with a lot of what was said. I'm 21 years old, I will be 23 when I'm married. Both my FI and I still live with our parents and we are not waiting till we graduate to get married (mainly beucase we are both going for Dr. and it would take forever). My FI and I both have 2 jobs and are paying bills (phone, car, and school). Do I think yhou need to live on your own before getting married? No. Do I think getting married at 19 is a good idea? No, but your not your only engaged and your waiting until school is over. Do you feel as if your making the right move for you? I can't answer that but, if you do, do what feels right for you.  I know of a lot of women who got married young and it lasted.
Posted by elspeth1[/QUOTE]

<div>If you think paying phone, car and school are paying the bills and supporting yourself, married life is going to be a shock.</div>

lyndausvi

My family does not do e-parties... So it's hard for me to understand the need/want to have one at all.

Personally I would just skip it because I think it will only bring you drama and disappointment.

Sarah&Nick0530

I don't think you have to live with each other to be able to make a wise decision in marriage...I do agree with most of the posters that maybe you two need to step back and perhaps postpone things...I know a couple who started dating when they were 16, convinced that they wanted to get married right at 18, but then when they got there, decided that they really weren't ready...they dated for another 6 years before he popped the question...But that doesn't mean that young marriage can't work.  I know several 20+ year marriages that were teen unions.  I just think that, especially with the frame of mind a "teen" or "younger person" is in and that society has pushed with the more recent generation (focus on me me ME!), it is a lot harder to constantly be considering someone else's feelings, desires, goals, etc.,  that are hard enough to adjust to as it is.  Marriage is a job...you have to work at it...but sometimes people haven't learned enough about themselves/the world/etc.etc.etc. to know how to make it work.  Oh, and the other person has to work at it too...are ya'll ready for all that?