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Am I being a brat?

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Re: Am I being a brat?

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    DNAtimeDNAtime
    First Comment
    You know, what we did with our guest list was have our families submit a guest list, and had them indicate the people that MUST be there and people who, if we were really short on money or space, we could trim off the list. We just wanted to get an idea  of how big our guest list was going to be. 

    My mom added 30 people to our guest list after we booked a venue (which she knew the current guest list and the venue capacity when we booked.)  So I gave her list back and asked her to select x amount of people to invite out of those. 

    I don't see why you and FI can't go back as ask her to trim down the list. However, if you re-approach this either give her a firm number (which should be the same number that your family gets) or some other means of drawing the line, fairly.
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    vicki0508vicki0508 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-being-brat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:2711f00e-c7b4-4ee6-8f06-994780134d6ePost:1ab284b8-caa2-4525-8b41-ee1f40ee541b">Re: Am I being a brat?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I being a brat? : I agree, that's really the only 'bratty' issue I see there.  I think OP and FMIL have to share the responsibility in the 'brattiness' of this issue though.  While it's bratty to ask FMIL for a list, and then come back and tell her no, it's just as bratty to be asked for a list and add a bunch of randoms who you haven't seen in over a decade for the sake of filling space.  Hence the compromise...
    Posted by jemmini6[/QUOTE]
    I guess I disagree with this sentiment.  I feel like most people start with a huge list of every person they'd like to invite.  Then, based on venue and budget, they cut down the guest list to the number they're looking for.  So I don't find it unreasonable for her to as FMIL for an exhaustive list, and then to ask her to cut it.

    I also didn't think OP was being particularly bratty, because from what I gathered, her FI doesn't even want these people invited.  So it's not like she's purposefully excluding people close to FI and telling him that he can't have his family present so she can throw a huge party for her family only.
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    J&K10910J&K10910 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-being-brat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:2711f00e-c7b4-4ee6-8f06-994780134d6ePost:01510af8-319a-47b1-b9c7-ae7fa8a5e2c5">Re: Am I being a brat?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I being a brat? : I guess I disagree with this sentiment.  I feel like most people start with a huge list of every person they'd like to invite.  Then, based on venue and budget, they cut down the guest list to the number they're looking for.  So I don't find it unreasonable for her to as FMIL for an exhaustive list, and then to ask her to cut it. I also didn't think OP was being particularly bratty, because from what I gathered, <strong>her FI doesn't even want these people invited</strong>.  So it's not like she's purposefully excluding people close to FI and telling him that he can't have his family present so she can throw a huge party for her family only.
    Posted by vicki0508[/QUOTE]

    I disagree.  I think it's hard to tell from the OP, but from him getting defensive, but then saying "I don't care" I feel like he might want them invited more than you would think.  If he didn't want them invited, he'd probably say he didn't want them invited and wouldn't be defensive about it.

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    trix1223trix1223 member
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    OP, since you're new, I'm going to explain this as gently as possible.  These boards are not about validation.  I have a hunch that you were expecting to return to your post and see a whole bunch of posts saying "OMG, your FMIL is totally wrong, and you should be pissed.  No, sweetie, you're not at all a brat!!"

    That didn't happen.  When everyone, EVERYONE, is answering the question you put in your title:  "Am I being a brat?"  with the answer "Yes, you're being a brat", then maybe you need to reassess your situation.  You got unanimous feedback.    

    But you won't get blind validation here.  But you will get unadultered responses, because we're not invested in your feelings.  We don't know you, so we can be more honest than your friends/family who will more likely give you the answers they think (know?) you want to here.

    I hope you'll stick around.  You can learn a lot from these boards.  Good luck to you.
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    jemmini6jemmini6 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-being-brat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:2711f00e-c7b4-4ee6-8f06-994780134d6ePost:01510af8-319a-47b1-b9c7-ae7fa8a5e2c5">Re: Am I being a brat?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I being a brat? : I guess I disagree with this sentiment.  <strong>I feel like most people start with a huge list of every person they'd like to invite.  Then, based on venue and budget, they cut down the guest list to the number they're looking for.</strong>  So I don't find it unreasonable for her to as FMIL for an exhaustive list, and then to ask her to cut it. I also didn't think OP was being particularly bratty, because from what I gathered, her FI doesn't even want these people invited.  So it's not like she's purposefully excluding people close to FI and telling him that he can't have his family present so she can throw a huge party for her family only.
    Posted by vicki0508[/QUOTE]


    That's true, but then it definitely wouldn't be bratty of the OP to cut down her list.  I guess she really needs to let her FI handle this and decide who he really WANTS there, not just feeling 'entitled' to pay for a bunch of randoms just to make the numbers more even.  If he actually wants all 25 of those people there, then yes, it's bratty for the OP to cut it just because <em>she</em> doesn't feel they deserve an invite.  However, if the groom doesn't see the point in having them there either, save appeasing his mom, then no, I don't think it's unreasonable to cut them anyways
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    JayPlusKayJayPlusKay member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-being-brat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:2711f00e-c7b4-4ee6-8f06-994780134d6ePost:950f29b7-b436-4183-9f32-8962dac99ab2">Re: Am I being a brat?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I being a brat? : I disagree.  I think it's hard to tell from the OP, but from him getting defensive, but then saying "I don't care" I feel like he might want them invited more than you would think.  If he didn't want them invited, he'd probably say he didn't want them invited and wouldn't be defensive about it.
    Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

    <div>Well, maybe I should touch on that a bit. I was going over the list with my parents and we didn't know that he was home, let alone within earshot. During the course of the conversation, I was venting and I groaned and said "Pam? Like, his dad's brother's widow in Pennsylvania that Jason has never met nor spoken to in his life? Like, do we really have to invite these people?" And from the kitchen, I heard Jason say "Hey, leave my little family alone!" He came in and was smiling, and continued to crack jokes with my dad about how we could "lose" his babysitter's invitation in the mail, but I felt like butt about it. So later,in private, I apologized and he laughed it off and said "You know I don't care. I was just teasing you." And I said, "Do you really want these peopel to come? Because it's totally up to you." He said "It doesn't matter. I mean, I don't know them and I don't really want to pay for them, but maybe we should let my mom have her way just so we don't have to deal with her whining about it. But you can cross the babysitter off the list."</div><div>
    </div><div>So, you might be right. I don't know how he really feels about it.</div>
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    SarahPLizSarahPLiz member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-being-brat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:2711f00e-c7b4-4ee6-8f06-994780134d6ePost:b0386019-f95b-4137-96ed-2fcd4d588499">Re: Am I being a brat?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I being a brat? : Well, maybe I should touch on that a bit. I was going over the list with my parents and we didn't know that he was home, let alone within earshot. During the course of the conversation, I was venting and I groaned and said "Pam? Like, his dad's brother's widow in Pennsylvania that Jason has never met nor spoken to in his life? Like, do we really have to invite these people?" And from the kitchen, I heard Jason say "Hey, leave my little family alone!" He came in and was smiling, and continued to crack jokes with my dad about how we could "lose" his babysitter's invitation in the mail, but I felt like butt about it. So later,in private, I apologized and he laughed it off and said "You know I don't care. I was just teasing you." And I said, "Do you really want these peopel to come? Because it's totally up to you." He said "It doesn't matter. I mean, I don't know them and I don't really want to pay for them, but <strong>maybe we should let my mom have her way just so we don't have to deal with her whining about it.</strong> But you can cross the babysitter off the list." So, you might be right. I don't know how he really feels about it.
    Posted by JayPlusKay[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>This is how he feels. He feels like he wants to appease his mother, so I say you go ahead and do that. 

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    LoveMuffinsLoveMuffins member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-being-brat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:2711f00e-c7b4-4ee6-8f06-994780134d6ePost:b0386019-f95b-4137-96ed-2fcd4d588499">Re: Am I being a brat?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I being a brat? : Well, maybe I should touch on that a bit. I was going over the list with my parents and we didn't know that he was home, let alone within earshot. During the course of the conversation, I was venting and I groaned and said "Pam? Like, his dad's brother's widow in Pennsylvania that Jason has never met nor spoken to in his life? Like, do we really have to invite these people?" And from the kitchen, I heard Jason say "Hey, leave my little family alone!" He came in and was smiling, and continued to crack jokes with my dad about how we could "lose" his babysitter's invitation in the mail, but I felt like butt about it. So later,in private, I apologized and he laughed it off and said "You know I don't care. I was just teasing you." And I said, "Do you really want these peopel to come? Because it's totally up to you." He said "It doesn't matter. I mean, I don't know them and I don't really want to pay for them, but maybe we should let my mom have her way just so we don't have to deal with her whining about it. But you can cross the babysitter off the list." So<strong>, you might be right. I don't know how he really feels about it</strong>.
    Posted by JayPlusKay[/QUOTE]

    I'm getting the same vibe from my FI, which is really annoying... My family is also huge, his is much smaller, but I keep trying to find ways to include more people on his side and he keeps being like, "whatever". I wanted to invite some of his dad & stepmother's friends, and he was all, 'whatever' and now when i'm nagging him for addresses, he's dragging his feet nad saying he doesn't really know if we "need" them there. My point is that we see them several times a year and they're very good friends of his family, but apparently when he asked his dad, his dad said there was no need to invite them. so he's resisting, even though he's constantly cracking 'jokes' about how many people are coming and a bunch of them are from my side of the family.

    I haven't got a clue how he really feels, but since he's resisting getting the addresses i just have to kind of go by that... so, maybe if you ask your FI to DO something, like get the addresses from his mom, his true feelings will be revealed by his actions. One can only hope =P otherwise, i'd probably just have him talk to his mom about who she feels really NEEDS to be invited, and then see if you can't work some of your mutual friends back onto the list =)
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    redheadfsuredheadfsu member
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    edited April 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-being-brat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:2711f00e-c7b4-4ee6-8f06-994780134d6ePost:b0386019-f95b-4137-96ed-2fcd4d588499">Re: Am I being a brat?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I being a brat? : Well, maybe I should touch on that a bit. I was going over the list with my parents and we didn't know that he was home, let alone within earshot. During the course of the conversation, I was venting and I groaned and said "Pam? Like, his dad's brother's widow in Pennsylvania that Jason has never met nor spoken to in his life? Like, do we really have to invite these people?" And from the kitchen, I heard Jason say "Hey, leave my little family alone!" He came in and was smiling, and continued to crack jokes with my dad about how we could "lose" his babysitter's invitation in the mail, but I felt like butt about it. So later,in private, I apologized and he laughed it off and said "You know I don't care. I was just teasing you." And I said, "Do you really want these peopel to come? Because it's totally up to you." He said "It doesn't matter. I mean, I don't know them and I don't really want to pay for them, but maybe we should let my mom have her way just so we don't have to deal with her whining about it. But you can cross the babysitter off the list." So, you might be right. I don't know how he really feels about it.
    Posted by JayPlusKay[/QUOTE]

    Options:
    1. You two figure out a percentage or number of guests for everyone.
    2.  FI and you need to sit down & have a calm discussion about everyone. (Not a "cut" session) Explain cost per person. Then figure out who is a must-have & who is a possible & who is a random.
     3. Your FI can sit with his mother and try either of the above.

    Really you need to let your FI decide how to handle his family & their guests. Just explain your budget &  cost per person (try to figure it out best you can without a venue yet). Then talk over the above ideas of how to get the guest list under control and see which way you two prefer. Maybe there is another idea he comes up with. <u>But you two need to figure this out together.</u>

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    nontradduonontradduo member
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    JayPlusKay,
    Jemmini6 makes some excellent point and I am in agreement with her. 
    My advice- you need to sit down and speak with your FI discuss what type of wedding you really want and what your budget will be.  Once you determine that, you can take another look at your guest list.  Sit down with your FMIL, explain the type of wedding you and your FI decided on, explain what your budget is and that it cannot be budged.  If you've decided on a wedding that includes only the closest of family and mutual friends (which sounds like what you are trying to do) then explain that to your FMIL.  Have your FI speak to his mother about people he doesn't know or only vaguely remembers or hasn't seen in a very long time.  If any of those people are important and she speaks to them regularly, then yes, it's in your best interest to work together to make room in the guest list for those individuals.
    Guest lists are a very tricky subject.  I've got six months to go and I still have prickly guest list issues to deal with and I'm sure once I have to seating arrangments it'll get even more prickly.
    My last piece of advice is this- Hang in there and take each issue that comes up step by step.  It's easy to get overwhelmed and riled up. 
    There's lot's of great advice available here at the knot in articles and on these boards.  You do need to be careful how you phrase things, but the ladies are generally here to help.  And remember that the posters have bad days, get riled up too, and context is sometimes hard to read on a board post.  Don't take things personally.  Remember, ultimately, that your wedding is supposed to be a celebration of joining your life to someone so special you decided it was to last until death parts you.  Learn not to sweat the small stuff and enjoy the knowledge that very soon you will be celebrating with family and friends your new life as a married lady. 
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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    Ok...first I am got tired of reading all the posts so if I repeat anything I am sorry.

    Two...my family is small, my FI is huge...go I can relate to the situation

    Three...you asked for a list and she gave it to you...did you ever consider going back to her and calmly ask why she wanted the certain people she did?  My FMIL gave me a list of 60 which included cousins my FI and I have never met or he last saw when he was three...we talked to her and cut some out...now everyone is happy.

    I don't think you need to start over with the guest list...I would put everyone that you and either side of the family want and then really scrub it.  Ask yourself "would you be upset if they didn't come?"

    Everything is a give and take.  I see people everyday of my life but I didn't invite them all.  The people you see every holiday...do you talk to them at any other time of the year?  If not, don't put them on your list.  Would you expect your kids babysitter to invite you to their wedding?  If not, then you don't need to invite them.  As other PP said this is not just a wedding for you and your FI this is about bringing two families together.  Just because your FI does not care if they are there (which my FI only cares about having his friends there and could care less about his family) his Mom might and that is important.

    Finally, just because they are not giving you money for the wedding doesn't mean that their opinion on the guest list doesn't count at all.

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    jemmini6jemmini6 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-being-brat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:2711f00e-c7b4-4ee6-8f06-994780134d6ePost:ade304d7-7b51-451c-8367-66ade8fec433">Re: Am I being a brat?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ok...first I am got tired of reading all the posts so if I repeat anything I am sorry. Two...my family is small, my FI is huge...go I can relate to the situation Three...you asked for a list and she gave it to you...did you ever consider going back to her and calmly ask why she wanted the certain people she did?  My FMIL gave me a list of 60 which included cousins my FI and I have never met or he last saw when he was three...we talked to her and cut some out...now everyone is happy. I don't think you need to start over with the guest list...I would put everyone that you and either side of the family want and then really scrub it.  Ask yourself "would you be upset if they didn't come?" Everything is a give and take.  I see people everyday of my life but I didn't invite them all.  The people you see every holiday...do you talk to them at any other time of the year?  If not, don't put them on your list.  Would you expect your kids babysitter to invite you to their wedding?  If not, then you don't need to invite them.  As other PP said this is not just a wedding for you and your FI this is about bringing two families together.  Just because your FI does not care if they are there (which my FI only cares about having his friends there and could care less about his family) his Mom might and that is important. <strong>Finally, just because they are not giving you money for the wedding doesn't mean that their opinion on the guest list doesn't count at all.</strong>
    Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]

    Technically it does.  That doesn't mean it's polite to not listen, but you certainly don't <em>have</em> to.  My FI and I are paying for our own wedding and my mom wanted me to invite a friend of hers whom she went to grade school with and ran into at the store.  I've never met her, so I told my mom no.  On the other hand though, my mom asked me to add one of their friends to the list, whom I've known for a while, but we aren't that close and quite frankly, I don't even really like them, but I did add them just to appease my mom.  However, I still <em>could</em> have said no...I'm buying, so I have 100% control over who I'm buying for.
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    jemmini6jemmini6 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-being-brat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:2711f00e-c7b4-4ee6-8f06-994780134d6ePost:b0386019-f95b-4137-96ed-2fcd4d588499">Re: Am I being a brat?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I being a brat? : Well, maybe I should touch on that a bit. I was going over the list with my parents and we didn't know that he was home, let alone within earshot. During the course of the conversation, I was venting and I groaned and said "Pam? Like, his dad's brother's widow in Pennsylvania that Jason has never met nor spoken to in his life? Like, do we really have to invite these people?" And from the kitchen, I heard Jason say "Hey, leave my little family alone!" He came in and was smiling, and continued to crack jokes with my dad about how we could "lose" his babysitter's invitation in the mail, but I felt like butt about it. So later,in private, I apologized and he laughed it off and said "You know I don't care. I was just teasing you." And I said, "Do you really want these peopel to come? Because it's totally up to you." He said "It doesn't matter. I mean, I don't know them and I don't really want to pay for them, but maybe we should let my mom have her way just so we don't have to deal with her whining about it. But you can cross the babysitter off the list." So, you might be right. I don't know how he really feels about it.
    Posted by JayPlusKay[/QUOTE]

    Sounds like you need to be very straight with your FI and let him know that you would be happy to accomodate all these people if that's what he really wants, but if there is anyone that he really doesn't care to have there, then you should make some cuts.  Also, if he decides to use the list his mom made to make her happy, I think you could still safely cut +1's for those not in relationships...so that should be somewhat of a savings too.
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    vicki0508vicki0508 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-being-brat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:2711f00e-c7b4-4ee6-8f06-994780134d6ePost:1e7ee644-1c1e-4195-b24b-c48d76c7f529">Re: Am I being a brat?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I being a brat? : This is how he feels. He feels like he wants to appease his mother, so I say you go ahead and do that. 
    Posted by SarahPLiz[/QUOTE]
    I agree.  He doesn't care about the guests, but his mom really does, and he wants to make his mom happy.  Plus, it never hurts to look like the accomodating DIL instead of the bratty DIL.
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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-being-brat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:2711f00e-c7b4-4ee6-8f06-994780134d6ePost:c963360b-f1c9-4b2f-b45a-629d985d672e">Re: Am I being a brat?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I being a brat? : Technically it does.  That doesn't mean it's polite to not listen, but you certainly don't have to.  My FI and I are paying for our own wedding and my mom wanted me to invite a friend of hers whom she went to grade school with and ran into at the store.  I've never met her, so I told my mom no.  On the other hand though, my mom asked me to add one of their friends to the list, whom I've known for a while, but we aren't that close and quite frankly, I don't even really like them, but I did add them just to appease my mom.  However, I still could have said no...I'm buying, so I have 100% control over who I'm buying for.
    Posted by jemmini6[/QUOTE]

    Ok I understand that for friends that your Mom hasn't seen in 20 years but for family I don't think it is appropriate to say no to all of them.  If your Mom asked to add, say, her cousin or Aunt would you say no?  I mean my parents are paying but it isn't like they are telling my FI parents that since they aren't pitching in that they can't invite any family...cause that would be crazy!  I think when it comes to family it is hard to say no (unless it is a third cousin twice removed)

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    nrawlings26nrawlings26
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-being-brat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:2711f00e-c7b4-4ee6-8f06-994780134d6ePost:950f29b7-b436-4183-9f32-8962dac99ab2">Re: Am I being a brat?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I being a brat? : I disagree.  I think it's hard to tell from the OP, <strong>but from him getting defensive, but then saying "I don't care" I feel like he might want them invited more than you would think.  If he didn't want them invited, he'd probably say he didn't want them invited and wouldn't be defensive about it.</strong>
    Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

    i get the feeling that he doesn't want to stand up to his mom and thats why he's defensive
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    J&K10910J&K10910 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-being-brat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:2711f00e-c7b4-4ee6-8f06-994780134d6ePost:e8d36446-c010-410b-815c-53ed8b750088">Re: Am I being a brat?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I being a brat? : Ok I understand that for friends that your Mom hasn't seen in 20 years but for family I don't think it is appropriate to say no to all of them.  <strong>If your Mom asked to add, say, her cousin or Aunt would you say no?</strong>  I mean my parents are paying but it isn't like they are telling my FI parents that since they aren't pitching in that they can't invite any family...cause that would be crazy!  I think when it comes to family it is hard to say no (unless it is a third cousin twice removed)
    Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]

    It's not my mom's wedding.  The only friends of our parents we invited were ones that we knew and were decently close to as well.  If my parents had asked to invite some crazy distant relative that I'd never met or hadn't seen in 10 years, yeah, I would have said no.  That doesn't mean we wouldn't have accommodated anything.  I couldn't possibly care less if any of my mom's brothers or sisters were invited.  In fact, I'd prefer them not to be there.  But we invited them because my mom wanted us to.  They're not coming, so we're both happy.  I'm happy they're not coming, she's happy we didn't create family drama by not inviting them.  But I do think there is a line.

    I realize this all seems very contradictory to what I said before--but that's because I think what OP's FI wants is important, and that I don't think it's right to say "Ok, who do yo u want to invite?  Well, we're not inviting THOSE PEOPLE," after the fact.

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    futuremrseaglefuturemrseagle
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    honestly, out of all of these random people your FI has never met, how many do you think will actually COME to the wedding? I say invite them, make FMIL happy (maybe she feels bad about not having many people on her side?), and then if you can get the final head count to the caterer a ways before the wedding, maybe you can save money by these people RSVPing "no"..? not sure how your venue works... My FI and I are inviting who we want to, and our final reception/catering payment is due a couple weeks before the wedding, which is where we will either pay extra, or less, in order to pay for everyone. If I babysat a kid 10 years ago and I found out he was getting married, I can't say I'd want to spend the time and money to go to his wedding... but that's just me.
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    GhotiGhoti
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    We have a few "complete strangers" on our list, but they are people who have known my FI since he was a baby, so even though he doesn't know them, his mom wanted them invited. And they were :) We've received 1 RSVP yes back already from one of the strangers, so I wouldn't count them out. 

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    mia082683mia082683 member
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    edited April 2011
    I'd leave that up to FI.  Does he want those people there?  It's his wedding (and your wedding) so you should have the final say.  If he keeps laughing it off, tell him that you're being serious and you completely respect his decision.  Then DO AS HE SAYS.  If he wants those 25 people there compared to your HUGE wedding, let him.  If he doesn't, don't (and have him explain to FMIL why not).

    Edit: Because if you did say no and they were who he wanted there, that would be you being a brat. :)
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    DNAtimeDNAtime
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    I think the problem is you are over thinking this without consulting the involved parties.

    You should have gone over the preliminary list with your FI BEFORE going over it with your parents. 

    You have gotten some good advice from the PPs. 

    Sit down with you FI and figure out who HE wants and the wedding and his attitude about making his mom happy etc. Once you figure it out with just the two of you, re-approach your FMIL with your proposed changes, being cutting out randoms or meeting X number of wedding guests total. 

    You could all do this together or just let FI and his mom talk about it together. 
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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-being-brat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:2711f00e-c7b4-4ee6-8f06-994780134d6ePost:f16b3fd9-6c9e-4824-a78d-2586b1f55ac0">Re: Am I being a brat?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I being a brat? : It's not my mom's wedding.  The only friends of our parents we invited were ones that we knew and were decently close to as well.  If my parents had asked to invite some crazy distant relative that I'd never met or hadn't seen in 10 years, yeah, I would have said no.  That doesn't mean we wouldn't have accommodated anything.  I couldn't possibly care less if any of my mom's brothers or sisters were invited.  In fact, I'd prefer them not to be there.  But we invited them because my mom wanted us to.  They're not coming, so we're both happy.  I'm happy they're not coming, she's happy we didn't create family drama by not inviting them.  But I do think there is a line. I realize this all seems very contradictory to what I said before--but that's because I think what OP's FI wants is important, and that I don't think it's right to say "Ok, who do yo u want to invite?  Well, we're not inviting THOSE PEOPLE," after the fact.
    Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

    I realize that it is suppose to be the bride and grooms wedding but I also feel that the day is about two families coming together.  Granted there are some family members from both sides that I could care less if they come but I certainly wouldn't have said no to any close or immediate family because that is rude.  My FI was basically "whatever" to all invitees so having the OP really try to find out what her FI wants may be impossible because he may just really not care.  If he truly doesn't care then the OP shouldn't be selfish with invites.  She shouldn't use his not caring as a way to tell her FMIL that she isn't going to invite any of her potential guests.  I don't care who pays or who doesn't...people need to be sensitive to both sides because it isn't just one person getting married that day it is two and I think both families should have the right to invite people.

    However, a long lost babysitter and a third cousin twice removed that you have never met shouldn't make it on the list but if he has very little family then I think that the one's he does know or even his mother is close to should be invited.  People have to think past their one day and realize that the decisions they make may effect relationships in the future.

    These are just my feelings but in the end just do what you want and then deal with the fallout later because stressing too much over the guest list will just ruin the fun of it all.

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    eviltwin13eviltwin13 member
    First Comment
    For my sister's wedding, her side of the family had 100+ invites and the groom only 25. My sister (possibly in response to her FI's feelings) tried frantically to cut back our guest list so that the numbers would be more even, but did so in such a way that hurt our parents. For example, she tried to refuse to invite any of my mother's first cousins who were not as close to her, though she said it would be OK to invite the few that she knew well. My mother is the family rock and the one who makes the effort to keep in touch with everyone, and we'd just seen everyone at the family reunion she organized, so she was upset that my sister would try to push her into excluding her cousins. Plus, inviting some 1st cousins and not others would be perceived as rude. My sister also told my dad he couldn't invite any family member of his that she didn't know well personally - regardless of the relationship HE had with them.

    It wasn't a venue or financial issue at all. My parents would have been happy to have 100 guests from the groom's family if they were available, and the venue could happily accommodate the numbers, so the only reason to cut back was to make the numbers more even. In other words, punishing my family for being bigger.

    Since my parents were paying, it didn't fly. They invited their guests, and the groom's family invited theirs. In the end, only 10 people from the groom's side made it. It would've been totally uneven regardless of the cuts my sister wanted to make.
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    NcsuPsychNcsuPsych member
    Combo Breaker First Comment First Anniversary
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-being-brat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:2711f00e-c7b4-4ee6-8f06-994780134d6ePost:15293b41-1da7-4c04-8f20-cb18b3f77eb7">Re: Am I being a brat?</a>:
    [QUOTE]honestly, out of all of these random people your FI has never met, <strong>how many do you think will actually COME to the wedding? I say invite them, make FMIL happy </strong>(maybe she feels bad about not having many people on her side?), and then if you can get the final head count to the caterer a ways before the wedding, maybe you can save money by these people RSVPing "no"..? not sure how your venue works... My FI and I are inviting who we want to, and our final reception/catering payment is due a couple weeks before the wedding, which is where we will either pay extra, or less, in order to pay for everyone. If I babysat a kid 10 years ago and I found out he was getting married, I can't say I'd want to spend the time and money to go to his wedding... but that's just me.
    Posted by futuremrseagle[/QUOTE]


    Ummm I'm calling it. That's bad advice!

    You should always expect and count on EVERY person that you invite to actually come. Trust me, it happens.

    DO NOT invite people on the assumption that you don't think they'll come.


    PP have given a lot of helpful advice though. . so carry on :o)
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    ManwaithielManwaithiel member
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    My mom threw on a family of four that I don't even know.

    She claimed they wouldn't show. Whatdya know, they RSVPed yes for all 4 of them! Surprise!

    Yeah. You should always expect everyone to come.

    And I certainly said no to several of my mom's random cousins and her co workers that I've never met. There's just a line and she was clearly unaware of it and overthinking it like nothing else.
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    J&K10910J&K10910 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-being-brat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:2711f00e-c7b4-4ee6-8f06-994780134d6ePost:df593f84-72a8-49af-a04a-76528a5736a3">Re: Am I being a brat?</a>:
    [QUOTE]The problem here is really the people coming, not the amount.  Have FI talk to his mom and say "I have no idea who these people are, I/we don't want them there becasue we don't know them.  We want you to be happy and want to accomodate you.  Who is extremely important of that list of 25/50?  Does everyone HAVE to have a +1?" I<strong>f it is just the 25 people, that is about $250 ($100 per person) for the reception food.  I think $250 can be found somewhere in the budget.  However, adding 50 people - $500 - </strong>is a bit harder to find.  Maybe she can narrow it down.  Or maybe you could narrow down your side to keep cost down. Figure out how many people you want to be there and how much it is going to cost.
    Posted by crfb87[/QUOTE]

    Math fail.  If it's $100 a head, 25 people would be $2500 and 50 would be $5000.

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    Hatsumomo7Hatsumomo7
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-being-brat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:2711f00e-c7b4-4ee6-8f06-994780134d6ePost:b32213ac-fba9-4f19-b848-e17b4c933241">Re: Am I being a brat?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ok, wow. Maybe I am in the wrong, but there really is no need for all the bitchiness. I understand that there is another point of view other than my own, which is why I was asking for help . I never once said that he shouldn't have any people there to support him or that his parents should give us money, but I guess some people hear what they want to hear. I just don't think that where we've cut so many people that we both wanted to invite, friends that we both see all the time and have a relationship with, it would be fair to have his babysitter that he hasn't spoken to in ten years, plus one, in attendance. And again, I do not expect his parents to give us financial help, but I don't know where my FMIL thinks this money is supposed to come from, because she knows full well that we don't have a ton of it. And ok, you got me. I did not give her a number and therefore cannot add one now. I understand. You all win. I just can't believe how many RUDE people sit on these boards waiting to full-on attack people who are new to this and don't have anyone else to ask. Thanks a ton.
    Posted by JayPlusKay[/QUOTE]

    Well honestly I am usually the first person to call out anyone if their being bitchy but none of the knotties who commented were being bitchy. You literally asked if you were being a brat and they replied with their honest opinions. I have been reading through their replies and all they have to go on is what you give them and the way you portrayed your first post is with little information so they had very little to go on. We understand that you are not rich, none of us are and trust me I am also having trouble trying to figure out how I am going to feed my guests but I am using caution with whom I invite and planning for a cetrain number.
     
    You did not give your FMIL a number, which you admit and which the other knotties have pointed out so you are going to have to ride this one out. At the very least you may be able to limit the +1 invitation to husbands or wives only but you would have to do the same on your list as well to make it even. I don't believe you were being bratty but you do have to realize that you offered for your FMIL to invite more people.
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    LessThanZeroLessThanZero
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-being-brat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:2711f00e-c7b4-4ee6-8f06-994780134d6ePost:845f2981-68d6-4933-bdba-2a93d4973669">Re: Am I being a brat?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I being a brat? : Well honestly I am usually the first person to call out anyone if their being bitchy but none of the knotties who commented were being bitchy. You literally asked if you were being a brat and they replied with their honest opinions. I have been reading through their replies and all they have to go on is what you give them and the way you portrayed your first post is with little information so they had very little to go on. We understand that you are not rich, none of us are and trust me I am also having trouble trying to figure out how I am going to feed my guests but I am using caution with whom I invite and planning for a cetrain number.   You did not give your FMIL a number, which you admit and which the other knotties have pointed out so you are going to have to ride this one out. At the very least you may be able to limit the +1 invitation to husbands or wives only but you would have to do the same on your list as well to make it even. I don't believe you were being bratty but you do have to realize that you offered for your FMIL to invite more people.
    Posted by Hatsumomo7[/QUOTE]

    Hatsumomo, please read the whole thread before responding.
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    vickyplusmagdielvickyplusmagdiel
    First Comment
    do i feel like you are being a brat? NO, however talk to your mother-in-law, because from what it looks like it seems that she would feel out of place in her sons wedding because most of the people there would be from your side... then again everyone on your side had true reason to be there... talk with her and tell her that you are planning on inviting the closest family... not babysitters and random people whom your groom has yet to recognize. dont limit her to how many people she can invite though; have her take of the randoms from the list and add more FAMILY... remember its both of your weddings. but at the same time let her know this is an intimate event for family. best of luck- btw- have you asked your fiance what he thinks- maybe he is totally for it, or maybe totally against it- get his opinon/.... best of luck :)
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