Despite logic, still crushed about not being invited.

batfacepattermonth

I asked a friend that I was very close to for several years before she moved away to be in my wedding party. She seemed excited but eventually declined because of the distance and logistics. She is getting married a few weeks after me. 

I knew she wouldn't ask me to be in her wedding party because she has sisters and some incredibly close-knit girlfriends she's known since birth, but I guess I assumed I'd be invited to her wedding... She has been talking wedding plans with me (hers and my own) via facebook, phone, email, etc. 

I just found out I'm for sure not invited and I can't help feeling a little crushed. I understand budget, not being family, living far away, not being as close the past year or two as we once were, all the logical reasons for not being invited, but it hurts and I have nobody to talk to about it. We were the best of friends through college and tried to stay in touch after that (it hasn't been that long)... I dunno. I'm just sad. 

I almost feel stupid for asking her to be a bridesmaid and knowing her reasons for declining and trying so hard to accomodate her, if she doesn't even feel close enough to me to invite me to her wedding. I know weddings aren't tit for tat, and all the logical reasoning, but that isn't helping my emotions. How can I get over this; because I'd really like to continue being close (or trying) with her?

FutureHutto

You have every right. Remember, it is her wedding and she probably doesn't want you to feel that way. 

FinallytheSun

Well, this is a tough one and I sympathise.  My suggestion (stemming from personal experience) is to shrugg it off and concintrate on your own plans.  Keep her on your contact lists (facebook, etc.) but don't be the one to contact her.
The friendship will play itself out honestly if you step back a little.  She will make effort/s or she won't.  This way there is no regret on your part. 
As far as the already put-out-there question for her to be in your wedding- it's all due to circumstance.  If you were living closer, you'd probably be invited if not in her wedding.

Just concintrate on your plans- the frienship will work itself out or fade away.  Either way, healthier than letting yourself be hurt by it.

*hugs*

RamonaFlowers

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_despite-logic-still-crushed-about-not-being-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:293e95a8-3bd2-4309-90c3-592809415cafPost:84458795-89ff-465c-8127-019b44b4736d">Re: Despite logic, still crushed about not being invited.</a>:
[QUOTE]Keep her on your contact lists (facebook, etc.) but don't be the one to contact her. The friendship will play itself out honestly if you step back a little. 
Posted by FinallytheSun[/QUOTE]


Planning your own wedding you've seen firsthand: people have to make choices when it comes to the guest list. Hard ones. There were quite a few friends that DH and I would have loved to have invited to our wedding ... however, we both come from very big families and cutting out a first cousin in exchange for a friend would not have flown with either side, and we were on a limited budget.

Outside of DH's 2 best friends in the WP (Plus their s/os) we seriously each only got to invite 2 friends (Plus their s/os). It sucked, but the choices had to be made. I felt bad enough about it to begin with, and would be incredibly hurt if one of the friends I couldn't include because of my budget restrictions proceeded to treat me like I suddenly needed to "prove" to them I still wanted to be their friend.

batfacepattermonth

Ramona, thank you for sharing. Your story helps. I just want to add that I had no intention of making her "prove" anything. I was just feeling a little stupid last night, like "oh we're obviously not as close as I thought, she must think I'm a fool". Like I said, your story helps and I am starting to feel better. Thank you!

samantha24p

iI dont thik she's trying to hurt you.

goobersinlove

I understand how you feel. I was very sad when I found out I wasn't invited to my childhood best friend's wedding a couple years ago, and had to remind myself that she didn't do it to hurt me, etc. **Hugs**

librababy

I completely understand how you feel.  There were 2 recent weddings that I didn't get an invite to and at first I was kind of offended.  

The 1st wedding was Fi's cousin...but she didn't invite any one from her mom's side really so it made sense we didn't get an invite (her mom is Fi's mom's sister).  The 2nd wedding still has me puzzled a little.  I know it was a small wedding but the bride invited Fi's cousin and her husband, who are friends with her sister... I am also close friends with her sister as well and the bride's son is my son's best friend plus whenever she needed English help, she would come to me. People were kind of surprised I didn't get an invite...oh well... we're not best friends or anything. But the fact that she invited Fi's cousin (who aren't really friends with her) just surprised me.

 Planning my own wedding now I understand more and more how tough the guest list can be deciding who to invite and who not to.  Just continue being a friend to her... it's not like she purposely wants to hurt you.  I know you feel weird because you wanted her IN your wedding but she can't invite you as a guest to hers... but you just have to rationalize and move on.  

Cortney1982

Perhaps the fact that she declined your wedding because of distance, she assumed you wouldn't travel to hers as well and skipped the invite?  Otherwise maybe she couldn't invite everybody because of budget.  I don't think she meant to hurt you.  The fact that she currently talks to you tell me she thinks of you as friends.

radiantfiore

I'm sorry you weren't invited. But you should ask her about it. You won't be able to get over it unless you talk to her about it. And when you do, don't pull the old inviting yourself routine. Just bring up how close you were and how you don't understand. I can honestly say I know how you feel though.

My cousin and I were best friends, EXTREMELY close. When she got married the first time I was just automatically invited because I was still living in my moms house and I had just graduated high school. But she never asked me to be apart of her party. Instead she asked some chick she had literally just met. So I was a bit hurt. But then when she got that divorce it wasn't long till she was going to get married again. This time she didn't even tell me she was getting married. I can understand why she didn't invite me. My mom and I had gotten into a huge fight about a year before and we hadn't spoken to eachother and she kicked me out (she doesn't like being told she's wrong). But I don't understand why she didn't tell me. I had to find out that she was getting married through my dads new wife (who my family hated). I was SO SO SO hurt by this. So hurt that I don't know if she will be invited to my wedding.

Anyway, all I'm saying is that you need to talk to her. Especially if you still want to be friends. I have yet to talk to my cousin and it hurts everytime I think about it. And this was two and a half years ago. So the pain never goes away.