Opinion Needed: Children as guest?

JoeAnne2013

From the start the FI and I agreed that there will be no children at the wedding/reception. I have an extremely large family and we are keeping our guest list to the absolute minimum meaning parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles and first cousins who are over the age of 18. Well the FI asked his one cousin to be a groomsman, problem is the cousin lives 11 hours away (driving), he is married and has a daughter who will be around two years old at the time of the wedding. FI wants to make an exception that his cousin may bring his two year old to the wedding, I disagree since this will cause a problem with my family. My mother also pointed out that the wedding would be the first time a lot of the FI's family meets the baby and that having the baby there may draw attention away from wedding and that my mother feels it is the one day in our lives that should completely revolve around the FI and I. What do you think?

Queen Jane

It's pretty normal to make an exception for children of the wedding party. The child will not be a thunder stealer, I promise.

JoeAnne2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_opinion-needed-children-as-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:2bb017e3-fcdb-48e8-916f-84fa25b3da26Post:d144bd26-e7e8-4c03-a4c8-7a0f2477a01c">Re:Opinion Needed: Children as guest?</a>:
[QUOTE]It's pretty normal to make an exception for children of the wedding party. The child will not be a thunder stealer, I promise.
Posted by Queen Jane[/QUOTE]


Why are children of the wedding party an exception?

m tulli

The child is not going to over shadow your day.  I don't see a problem with making an exception since he is in the wedding party.  My sister is coming in from AK and no one has met her daughter who will be a year and 1/2.  I know people will be excited to see them but it's not going to  make the day about them.  

divinemsbee

First of all, your mother is being ridiculous. The child would not steal your thunder. It's your wedding, you're the ones saying vows,  you're throwing the party, people will know it's "your " day. So don't worry about that. That's paranoid thinking of the highest order. 

As for the real question, I'm assuming that the cousin's wife is invited as well (she should be). Do they have family/trusted friends where they live that would watch the child or would they have someone in the town your wedding is in that isn't attending the wedding that would be available for childcare? With an 11 hour drive they would probably drive up the day before the wedding, especially as the cousin is in the wedding party, which means they either have to have someone they trust overnight with the baby or have someone in town that can take the baby while they do WR stuff. At two, it's unlikely that they would leave a kid for that long with someone who wasn't family or close to it. I would have your FI ask his cousin what their childcare plans are. If the cousin says, "we'll just bring him with us to everything" then you have to go from there. 

If that's the case, then you have two options, the first is to stick to your guns, in that case I'll bet that the cousin comes alone and the wife and baby stay home. This isn't an awful thing to do, but keep in mind that if this was going to be the first time your FI's family saw this child, you may catch some flack for it. 

Second option, you say okay for just this cousin's kid because they are from out of town and he is in the WP. Now, both of these are totally valid exceptions that people do all the time, even when the majority of kids aren't invited. However, if you do this, keep in mind it may turn into a slippery slope. If other members of the wedding party have kids that they wanted to bring, you may feel pressure there if they find out beforehand, and maybe a little resentment if they don't find out until the day of. Ditto if you have other out of town people that are making a flight or drive that is similar and they can't bring theirs. 

If there are a lot of first cousin kids in your family, you may also catch a little flack for making this exception, but you can explain that he is both in the WP and from out of town. Again, the problem you'll run into is if there is someone else who falls into all or one of those categories and their child wasn't invited.

This is one of those things you just have to make a call on. It does sound like your FI would not support a decision for his cousin to not bring the kid, so it's likely that if you say no, you (and possibly your mom) will be the bad guy. Or your FI might tell the cousin to bring the kid anyway, which could lead to some frustration. 

snuff9861

I personally wouldnt make the exception unless you want to deal with people whining about why they can't bring their kids. For us it worked out that we allowed family to bring their children (there's only about 10 so really not a huge deal) but friends do not.

divinemsbee

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_opinion-needed-children-as-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:2bb017e3-fcdb-48e8-916f-84fa25b3da26Post:e3ae60b6-6d78-4f53-b194-98c980e55b59">Re:Opinion Needed: Children as guest?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Opinion Needed: Children as guest? : Why are children of the wedding party an exception?
Posted by JoeAnne2013[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>I think it boils down to the fact that it's easier, and more justifiable (if one needs to justify things) to invite in "circles." LIke, "we're inviting family kids, but not friends' kids" as PP said. Or, immediate family kids, not extended. Or only kids of the WP. Or, in non-kid related, we're only inviting family through second cousins. Yeah, I mean, it's arbitrary in its way, but you draw the line somewhere, even if that line is simply "no kids." Many people with large or close families, or those with lots of kids that they can't afford to have added to their count, generally either give some sort of cut off. </div>

HobokensFury

I wouldn't do it not because of the attention thing (which I think your mom is being ridiculous) but because everyone else will be looking for an exception as well. You'll likely piss others off.

AdeleDazeem

I think your mother is being completely ridiculous.  It's a two year old little girl.  To label her a thunder stealer or an attention getter is just silly.  You'll be the person in the big white dress - you win, okay? 

Marrin713

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_opinion-needed-children-as-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:2bb017e3-fcdb-48e8-916f-84fa25b3da26Post:249ba687-a0a1-496c-91c0-13655589845d">Re: Opinion Needed: Children as guest?</a>:
[QUOTE]I know this is an issue that comes up all the time here, yet I have never figured out why any invited guests would complain about the conditions of the invitation.  Maybe I was just raised differently, or <strong>maybe I'm a dinosaur</strong>.  I'm certainly getting up there.  But if I received an invitation to anything -- a wedding, birthday party, dinner, whatever -- it wouldn't occur to me to ask if I could bring people who aren't invited.  It certainly wouldn't occur to me to complain, whine or fall on my sword over why someone else got a +1 and I didn't, or why they got to bring their children, or whatever.  For that matter, I'm also astounded that people will complain if there isn't a full open bar.  If they wouldn't complain about what you offer them for dinner at their house, why would they think it's ok to complain about what you offer them at your wedding? I know, I went on a tangent there, but I'm just always surprised by this sense of entitlement that people apparently have.
Posted by LucyHC[/QUOTE]

Bolded is me I think.  I remember when son was a baby/toddler, xH and I always looked at wedding invites as a night out without the kid - even out of town weddings. 

BMSawa

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_opinion-needed-children-as-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:2bb017e3-fcdb-48e8-916f-84fa25b3da26Post:249ba687-a0a1-496c-91c0-13655589845d">Re: Opinion Needed: Children as guest?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I know this is an issue that comes up all the time here, yet I have never figured out why any invited guests would complain about the conditions of the invitation"</strong>

Couldn't agree more.  I've been invited to and have gone to so, so many weddings, parties, etc and never once have even thought of questioning the host's reasons for inviting me, or even NOT inviting me.  Everyone has different ideas of what they want for parties, weddings, ceremonies.  I don't have kids, but I'm assuming your mother is beyond excited and wants you to have all of the attention (as most mothers would want their daughter to have on her special day).  Just because someone does it one way does not mean you have to follow suit.  You and your fiance know what is best for you and your plans and your wedding.

OwningAHome1981

all kids or no kids. As another poster stated, picking and choosing just makes people angry and upset.

JoeAnne2013

Thank you everyone for the input!

We will be sticking to the "no children".