So... if the girl proposes...who buys the ring?

Kattey

I've always wondered, does she buy her own ring? Or expect him to buy it, even though she popped the question?
 
I think if she asked, she should buy her own. I mean, really, it was her idea first, why make him pay for it?

But, maybe that's just me, what do you think?

psichick

i only know of one couple that did this, and she did not get an engagement ring at all. they also split up about a year later so it didn't really matter. 

SarahPLiz

I think she should buy him a ring to signify the commitment, just like a guy buys one for a girl, if they get a ring at all.

aerinpegadrak

Yeah, I think in that case, she should get him an engagement gift (doesn't have to be a ring).  I'd say if she really wants a ring, she should either pay for it herself or they can pay for it together.  Honestly, a big part of getting married is combining finances, so it doesn't really matter who pulls out the credit card, it comes out of the same pot.

erollis

She should really buy him a ring if she asks him to marry her. She can then buy herself a ring later if he says yes. He may even buy her (or go 50/50) on a ring for her. I have never known anyone who has done this so I am just stating what I think.

JadziaDax

A woman should not propose to a man (maybe I am old fashioned and never realized it). If a woman does propose, I still think the man should buy the ring. If the woman proposes and buys her own ring, she might as well grow her own set of balls.

megk8oz

I think if she proposes, she should buy him a ring. If he accepts, then they can decide from there what's best for them as far as how or if she gets a ring.

I mean, if a guy asks a girl, he buys her the ring, and then it gets decided after how or if he gets a ring, why wouldn't it be the same if the roles were reversed?

loop0406

I agree 100% with JadziaDax

angel2210

While my friend and her husband were still just bf/gf they had talked at length about getting married but he just kept putting off proposing and putting it off (he's just that kind of guy, no harm, just that kind). So, one night while they were at home she went into the living room and said "we're getting married October *date* and that's all." They ended up getting her an engagement ring from Ebay and she bought him an engagement toolset, haha.

ohwhynot

I'd guess that a woman who is untraditional enough to propose to her boyfriend is not so traditional that she'd be put off by either buying her own ring or not having an engagement ring at all.  Therefore, it's probably a moot point. 

And Loop and JadziaDax, it's one thing to say "I'd never propose - I'm not comfortable with that" and quite another, rude, thing to say "No woman should ever propose."  As long as no one's forcing you to do it, why do you care? 

Srbageldog

My FI proposed to me 2 years ago and I still don't have a ring. He proposed with a cheap ring from Walmart that got lost a few months later, but always said he would get me a proper engagement ring. I refuse to get my own engagement ring. I did buy a set of promise rings, which I wear and he doesn't. All it does I think is cause resentment. I don't think you should have to buy your own engagement ring. To me it kind of says that when a guy won't invest in an engagement ring, then he doesn't think you're really worth investing in. That's just my opinion.

SarahPLiz

A ring does not an engagement make. The important part of the engagement is the proposal and acceptance. While a ring is a traditional gift for accepting a proposal, it doesn't have to be. No one is entitled to a ring just because they are engaged.

My cousin proposed to his now-wife without a ring. 6 months later they bought a house together. They decided that it was a better investment than a piece of jewelry. She wears a wedding ring, but she says she doesn't miss having another ring on her finger. She lives in her engagement gift. I think that type of sound financial decision is a way better indicator of a good future together than a large piece of jewelry.

Srbageldog, it sounds like you have some resentment towards your FI for not "investing" in you. Maybe you should talk to him about that.

Srbageldog

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_girl-proposeswho-buys-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:3fdeee8b-7346-4604-9b8b-87cd6aca5d79Post:fdb39216-4bf3-4ef3-839c-e2d1422fd8f4">Re: So... if the girl proposes...who buys the ring?</a>:
[QUOTE]A ring does not an engagement make. The important part of the engagement is the proposal and acceptance. While a ring is a traditional gift for accepting a proposal, it doesn't have to be. No one is entitled to a ring just because they are engaged. My cousin proposed to his now-wife without a ring. 6 months later they bought a house together. They decided that it was a better investment than a piece of jewelry. She wears a wedding ring, but she says she doesn't miss having another ring on her finger. She lives in her engagement gift. I think that type of sound financial decision is a way better indicator of a good future together than a large piece of jewelry. Srbageldog, it sounds like you have some resentment towards your FI for not "investing" in you. Maybe you should talk to him about that.
Posted by SarahPLiz[/QUOTE]
I have talked to him about it. It's not just the ring, it's the whole way he's treated our engagement. When he originally proposed, I thought we were going to get married within a matter of months. Then one of his friends told him he was stupid and he should wait. Once we moved in together, he didn't want to talk about marriage at all. He kept skirting around the topic. Then out of nowhere he decided we wouldn't get married until 2012. He basically set a wedding date without consulting me or even letting me have a say in it. I wanted to get married in the year 2011. We argued over this for a long time, until finally I resigned to the fact that he wouldn't be ready to marry until 2012. Then out of nowhere he announced that he still intended to marry me NEXT year. So, I think the "resentment" that I had (or perhaps even still have) stemmed from the fact that I got proposed to  but didn't get to enjoy my engagement like a normal couple would. He never wanted to discuss anything, so I always wondered whether or not we were actually engaged or if he actually planned on spending the rest of his life with me. And not having a ring just added to the feeling that I was not worth "investing" in.
Even now, with our wedding a little over a year away, he does not want to get too involved in discussing details or planning anything. I sometimes get the feeling that he doesn't think the wedding will ever happen. :/ To me, having an engagement ring (not even necessarily an expensive one) would merely be symbolic; it would reassure me that he was serious about marrying me and sharing the rest of his life with me.

SarahPLiz

I can see that how that would be frustrating. Your resentment and frustration came out loud and clear in between the lines of original comment. I don' t know you too, but the fact that you aren't on the same page about marriage is a warning sign for me. I think it wouldn't hurt the 2 of you to start some premarital counseling to work on your communication, so you can plan your future together with mutual goals in mind. Also, the FIve Love Languages book may help you figure out what is going on in your relationship. Your relationship shouldn't feel one-sided, but its a possibility that you just don't speak the same love language, so you are missing the signals the other is sending.
 
Not wanting to help with wedding planning is normal for most guys I know, but being wishy-washy about actually getting and being married is a red flag that needs to be resolved before you make any wedding plans. You shouldn't marry someone you resent for not treating you well.

Sorry to be so negative, and to threadjack the OP, but I sensed something was off and just wanted to see  if I could be of help. I hope it all comes out ok for you!

APW2010

Back to the original topic... I think he should still buy the ring, or they should buy it together, no matter who proposed. But then, I also think guys should get engagement gifts every time anyway, no matter who proposed. FI proposed and bought me the ring, I bought him his dream 52" TV in return as his engagement gift I know a number of other girls who bought their FI a really nice gift when they got their e-ring.
As well, I don't know a single guy who would want an e-ring, so even if she proposes, I don't think she should buy him a ring. Propose with a guitar for him or a new computer or a set of tools or whatever nice gift he would actually appreciate.

jennylove810

I kinda feel like... if a man wants to get married, he'll propose.

If a man doesn't want to get married, then he won't propose.

But that's just me.

debdebdol

If I had to propose I would make him buy the ring, and I would make it a good one.  But that's just me.

JadziaDax

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_girl-proposeswho-buys-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:3fdeee8b-7346-4604-9b8b-87cd6aca5d79Post:0aa67af8-2080-49e1-b9ac-89025342e3e5">Re: So... if the girl proposes...who buys the ring?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd guess that a woman who is untraditional enough to propose to her boyfriend is not so traditional that she'd be put off by either buying her own ring or not having an engagement ring at all.  Therefore, it's probably a moot point.  And Loop and JadziaDax, it's one thing to say "I'd never propose - I'm not comfortable with that" and quite another, rude, thing to say "No woman should ever propose."  As long as no one's forcing you to do it, <strong>why do you care? 
</strong>Posted by ohwhynot[/QUOTE]

Why do you care that I care? It's just my opinion. I'm allowed to have one on here right?

Srbageldog

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_girl-proposeswho-buys-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:3fdeee8b-7346-4604-9b8b-87cd6aca5d79Post:6bab63ca-2702-4688-853a-52e399b671f8">Re: So... if the girl proposes...who buys the ring?</a>:
[QUOTE]I can see that how that would be frustrating. Your resentment and frustration came out loud and clear in between the lines of original comment. I don' t know you too, but the fact that you aren't on the same page about marriage is a warning sign for me. I think it wouldn't hurt the 2 of you to start some premarital counseling to work on your communication, so you can plan your future together with mutual goals in mind. Also, the FIve Love Languages book may help you figure out what is going on in your relationship. Your relationship shouldn't feel one-sided, but its a possibility that you just don't speak the same love language, so you are missing the signals the other is sending.   Not wanting to help with wedding planning is normal for most guys I know, but being wishy-washy about actually getting and being married is a red flag that needs to be resolved before you make any wedding plans. You shouldn't marry someone you resent for not treating you well. Sorry to be so negative, and to threadjack the OP, but I sensed something was off and just wanted to see  if I could be of help. I hope it all comes out ok for you!
Posted by SarahPLiz[/QUOTE]

Thanks for the input. I've actually suggested couples counseling before, but he didn't seem to want to do that. When we first got together, he was just coming out of a previous long term relationship (although they had been separated for about  a year at that point). I think he's just afraid to go ahead and make plans, because everytime he's ever planned anything in his life, his plans fell through. I do know we love each other and want to spend our lives together, I think the thought of marriage just scares him sometimes.

Sorry for getting off topic again! <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-tongue-out.gif" border="0" alt="Tongue out" title="Tongue out" />

Srbageldog

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_girl-proposeswho-buys-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:3fdeee8b-7346-4604-9b8b-87cd6aca5d79Post:32cf82a9-781a-4893-8b9a-8a2241ea4765">Re: So... if the girl proposes...who buys the ring?</a>:
[QUOTE]I kinda feel like... if a man wants to get married, he'll propose. If a man doesn't want to get married, then he won't propose. But that's just me.
Posted by jennylove810[/QUOTE]


I totally agree!

psichick

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_girl-proposeswho-buys-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:3fdeee8b-7346-4604-9b8b-87cd6aca5d79Post:32cf82a9-781a-4893-8b9a-8a2241ea4765">Re: So... if the girl proposes...who buys the ring?</a>:
[QUOTE]I kinda feel like... if a man wants to get married, he'll propose. If a man doesn't want to get married, then he won't propose. But that's just me.
Posted by jennylove810[/QUOTE]

<div>and it's up to the woman to say yes or no. so why shouldn't it work the other way as well? if she's ready, she can propose, and he can say no just like a woman can. why is it always dependent on the man being ready and have nothing to do with the woman? is that based on the idea/assumption that women are always ready to marry and are just waiting for the man to be ready? </div>

aliciaandjohn21

I PROPOSED( THE BRIDE) TO MY FIANCE.....I brought him a ring and bout a week later i got my ring. i proposed cuz it was right. thats how i feel bout it n i proposed 

JeFlanigan

In a world where women wand and deserve equality, things need to be equal.  If she proposes I don't think she should expect a ring, but an internal decision should be reached (do i want or do i not want) and a discussion should be had (I would like one I will pay for it (or other comparable thoughts i.e. i want and don't want to pay for it etc.)) but at no point should Fi be pressured into it if he didn't propose and make the initial step. 
JadziaDax, while I didn't propose to my fi, I'm sad to hear 'the woman shouldn't propose'... do we not remember Cory and Topanga, or is that just me? And 'if she buys her own ring, she might as well grow her own set of balls.'  doesn't necessarily seem like a bad thing.  Would you rather she just be bare foot and pregnant?  I'm just saying, what gender roles do you see here?

Srbageldog

It's just 'tradition' that the man proposes. I guess you really don't NEED an engagement ring, but it seems funny for a female to have to buy one for herself. I guess it would also depend on their financial situation. Some of us are old fashioned, doesn't necessarily mean we believe women "belong in the kitchen" or should be "barefoot and pregnant."

jennylove810

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_girl-proposeswho-buys-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:3fdeee8b-7346-4604-9b8b-87cd6aca5d79Post:b6d17ff5-3db2-4665-950c-16c0bfda85c6">Re: So... if the girl proposes...who buys the ring?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: So... if the girl proposes...who buys the ring? : and it's up to the woman to say yes or no. so why shouldn't it work the other way as well? if she's ready, she can propose, and he can say no just like a woman can. why is it always dependent on the man being ready and have nothing to do with the woman? is that based on the idea/assumption that women are always ready to marry and are just waiting for the man to be ready? 
Posted by psichick[/QUOTE]

It's a very rare circumstance when a man proposes completely out of the blue - most of the time the couple has talked about it seriously and extensively, and both the man and the woman have decided whether or not they are ready.  The actual proposal is only a formality.

But I'm old-school, and even if the proposal is a formality, I still would never do it.  It wouldn't have felt right to me, and I wouldn't have taken that moment away from FI.  It's a pretty momentous occassion for a guy, too.

(Please note, I'm not saying either school of thought is right or wrong, just saying what was right for <strong>me.</strong>)

JadziaDax

@JeFlanigan: I do remember Cory and Topanga but I don't remember the proposal lol... I'm very much for equal rights but still do not think a woman should propose. I should have written "In my opinion" but I kind of figured if the post was coming from me, it's obvious it's only my opinion and people can do what they want.
I agree with JennyLove that when a man is ready to propose, he will propose. I don't think women should be barefoot in the kitchen unless that is their choice. I'm actually considering having my FI be a stay at home Dad once we do have kids. I'm sure there are exceptions to this rule but in most cases I still feel a man should be the one to propose- and if we're going to talk about television shows, the proposal should at least be like Monica and Chandler's on friends when Monica began to propose but Chandler realized what she was doing and stopped her, proposing himself.

jelique7

I proposed to my FI and i am the bride. I didn't have a ring for  a little bit but we were still not financially in the position to buy an engagement ring for me so he bought me a pretty promise ring (blue topaz and diamonds) which he could afford.

I don't see a problem with the female proposing (obviously) and my FI said he wants to have a second proposal so he plans on proposing for a second time with a real engagement ring. It seems like a good compromise to me.

The ring doesn't matter and the time was right so i asked him and he was so happy!

Everyone says im very "traditional" or old school even though im young but i don't see a problem with the female proposing..

aerinpegadrak

Wow, I guess if girl aren't allowed to propose, then lesbian couples are out of luck.

miah_23_ncb

Im not sure who is SUPPOSED to but if I had proposed I would want to go halves. Just my opnion

Piru

I proposed. I bought a men's wedding band with a small diamond in it to do it with. It will be his wedding ring so he doesn't wear it yet (still needs to be resized anyway).

He ended up buying me a ring later. So I do have an engagement ring, which is part of a set so my wedding band is also taken care of.

He didn't have to get me a ring and when he said he wanted to I said I was fine with a fake diamond or whatever. It was his decision to get me a ring, I would've been happy with a tattoo or hell, a ring pop. I love my ring though

Goff2010

Just my opinion- but it sounds like that significant of a commitment might freak your guy out a little. Try giving him a little space about it for a while, and when it's not such a sensitive topic, try talking with him to get his true feelings on it.