Just need advice

abbyosu1211

I was finishing up are guest list to get all of the envelopes printed to send out invitations.  My FI mother emailed me a list of family members to invite, which was about 8 families more than I was ever told in the first place.  My mother has set a limit of people to be invited (which is fine), but these family members put us over.  Out of the guest we are allowed to invite my FI family is over half the guests as is.  I don't know what to do.  I realize they are family and they should be invited.  Now it comes to cutting part.....  I'm trying not to be a mean person through it, but we've been together years and these family members I've never met let alone never heard of.  It's like his mother's cousins and their children.  I really do want honest opinions....... Do we keep the family members on there and cut from the friends?    I feel stuck with it because they are family (whether I know them or not), but we haven't invited a ton of friends and I'm not even sure which ones I would cut out of the guest list because they are all close.  This has been one of the hardest things I've had to do wedding wise to date. 

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_just-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:4762a567-5c4f-443d-a1ef-48d75e300874Post:c3f27663-f8ca-4d61-af51-2feb0f15845f">Just need advice</a>:
[QUOTE]I was finishing up are guest list to get all of the envelopes printed to send out invitations.  My FI mother emailed me a list of family members to invite, which was about 8 families more than I was ever told in the first place.  My mother has set a limit of people to be invited (which is fine), but these family members put us over.  Out of the guest we are allowed to invite my FI family is over half the guests as is.  I don't know what to do.  I realize they are family and they should be invited.  Now it comes to cutting part.....  I'm trying not to be a mean person through it, but we've been together years and these family members I've never met let alone never heard of.  It's like his mother's cousins and their children.  I really do want honest opinions....... Do we keep the family members on there and cut from the friends?    I feel stuck with it because they are family (whether I know them or not), but we haven't invited a ton of friends and I'm not even sure which ones I would cut out of the guest list because they are all close.  This has been one of the hardest things I've had to do wedding wise to date. 
Posted by abbyosu1211[/QUOTE]
Have FI tell her that these extra guests were not on the original guest list, and as you have capacity limitiations, you cannot accomodate them.

abbyosu1211

So if I do that it doesn't make me look like a terrible person?  I think I just get torn because they are "family".  But at the same point I wrestle with the fact that when just me and him sat down to make the list he never mentioned them.  I just don't want to looked down on because I didn't invite family.  Is it normal to invite mother's cousins?  Or is it different in every situation?  I've never really heard or seen an etiquete on it.

kimp67

I understand how you feel, but I would do what the pps said.  Explain to your FMIL that you have your list finalized & you just can't add anymore.  IMO it would be different if you know these relatives, but I wouldn't cut friends you're close to just to add "strangers" to your list.

jmkes

We had to do the same with my FMIL.  Let your FI handle it and talk to her.  There's no more room for any guests.  Period.  You have to be firm with your guest list or it will get out of control very quickly - trust me!

ichellemay1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_just-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:4762a567-5c4f-443d-a1ef-48d75e300874Post:254b8d2b-7448-4da2-8745-c43dab8a20de">Re: Just need advice</a>:
[QUOTE]We had to do the same with my FMIL.  Let your FI handle it and talk to her.  There's no more room for any guests.  Period.  <strong>You have to be firm with your guest list or it will get out of control very quickly - trust me!
</strong>Posted by jmkes[/QUOTE]

This.

marissa_claire

Agreed with PPs.  Have FI deal with it - he needs to set his foot down with his mother and say that there just isn't room.  

And the family thing is neverending - most people could probably invite all the family they could think of an have a huge wedding, but you have to draw the line somewhere.  Just like friends - if you invited everyone you're friends with (ha, like on FB I have 600 friends) you would have to draw the line.  Just because they're someone's aunt doesn't mean they can't miss your wedding.  

MairePoppy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_just-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:4762a567-5c4f-443d-a1ef-48d75e300874Post:d2d2fa31-3689-465e-b434-c66bb56f4d86">Re: Just need advice</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Just need advice : Have FI tell her that these extra guests were not on the original guest list, and as you have capacity limitiations, you cannot accomodate them.
Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]
Excellent advice.
Most brides have guest list limitations. You are not a terrible person for wanting to include your friends over people that you have never met. If fiance does not feel close enough to these people to include them in his original list, don't worry about it.

abbyosu1211

Thank you so much ladies for the advice. It makes me feel better, and not so bad about thinking they are family so they need to be there.

[Deleted User]

You'll feel a lot worse cutting your friends than you feel right now about wanting to cut family you don't know.

cjone2000

Another thing to consider is even if you invite these family members you hardly know, what is the chance that they will actually come to the wedding? If they live far away and you don't think they will come, send them an invitation anyway just to let them know you are getting married. Also consider that if you invite 100 people, more than likely 80-85 people will actually show up. I've done a ton of event planning for my job and social parties and this is pretty normal. Even if those 100 people RSVP, around 15-20% just won't show. Just keep this in mind.

Because my venue has limited space, I did my invitation in tiers, people in tier one I really wanted there, and then I got RSVPs back and found out some couldn't make it and that I had room for tier two people. Whatever works for you. Like the other brides said, this is your wedding and if you are paying for it, you have to control costs and extra guests means more money. 

Is your fiance's mother contributing to the wedding? If she is, tell her those 8 more familes is going to cost you $XXX amount more and if she wants them included on the guest list, she has to pay more to cover the cost of them coming. I did this with my mom when she added 20 more people to the guest list and she agreed to pay more to cover the catering costs to feed 20 more people.

But, if your venue can only hold so many people, tell her that - especially if she asks for a reason why there is a limit on the guest list, this gives you leverage in saying it's not that you don't want her family there, you just don't have room. Good luck!

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_just-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:4762a567-5c4f-443d-a1ef-48d75e300874Post:f65b0680-069a-4495-9f69-f7ce71ed2ad0">Re: Just need advice</a>:
[QUOTE]Another thing to consider is even if you invite these family members you hardly know, what is the chance that they will actually come to the wedding? <strong>If they live far away and you don't think they will come, send them an invitation anyway just to let them know you are getting married. Also consider that if you invite 100 people, more than likely 80-85 people will actually show up. I've done a ton of event planning for my job and social parties and this is pretty normal. Even if those 100 people RSVP, around 15-20% just won't show.</strong> Just keep this in mind. Because my venue has limited space, I did my invitation in tiers, people in tier one I really wanted there, and then I got RSVPs back and found out some couldn't make it and that I had room for tier two people. Whatever works for you. Like the other brides said, this is your wedding and if you are paying for it, you have to control costs and extra guests means more money.  Is your fiance's mother contributing to the wedding? If she is, tell her those 8 more familes is going to cost you $XXX amount more and if she wants them included on the guest list, she has to pay more to cover the cost of them coming. I did this with my mom when she added 20 more people to the guest list and she agreed to pay more to cover the catering costs to feed 20 more people. But, if your venue can only hold so many people, tell her that - especially if she asks for a reason why there is a limit on the guest list, this gives you leverage in saying it's not that you don't want her family there, you just don't have room. Good luck!
Posted by cjone2000[/QUOTE]
Umm...  No.  That's horrible advice.  DO NOT over invite and assume that people won't show.  Every wedding is different.  You may get 100% attendance or an 85% decline rate.  You just never know.  Case in point:

My BFF had her wedding a year ago.  Her MIL INSISTED that about 30 distant family members be sent wedding invitations, because they would feel left out if they didn't receive them.  However, they were OOT, so there's no way that they would travel for the wedding, but they would send a gift.  You know what happened?  Every. single. one. of those 30 family members decided that the wedding was a GREAT excuse for a family reunion.   

dunn1678

I agree with most pple, except DON"T OVER INVITE. You never know who might be in town that weekend or find the wedding a good excuse for a trip. Find a limit and stay firm to that.

After talking with our caterer we decided on a max amount of people to invite. Both my parents and my FI parents are paying for the wedding so we gave them equal amount of people to invite. So we have a limit of 200 guests, our parents get 75 guests each and my FI and I get 50, this includes the BP. This helped both my parents, as everyone is "family" to my mother and it also helped my FI parents. They really stuck to the limit and they were glad for the structure.