NWR: Closed adoptions and birth parents

Barbiiieee

Hey guys! 
I was wondering if anybody had any experience with closed adoptions and people finding?

My fiance is adopted and it was a closed adoption, but he really wants to find out more information about his birth family. He's aware that his birth mother might not want to be found, but he still wants to take his chances. His adopted father died last year, and his mother is horrified by this. Which I get, you know? They adopted him when he was an infant, but it isn't about being disrespectful to his family, it's more about finding where he comes from, and for genetic/medical reasons.

The state department is basically like, "oh it's a closed adoption, we can't help you." Is that really the only thing he can do though? He has VERY little information to go on. He has a general story about his birth mother being a teenager and whatever, and he has his probable birth name (he scratched the white off off the bottom of a baby picture of him and it has his birth date and a name he was never called written on it). The birth name hasn't really been helpful though, as the last name is fairly common. Basically every agency he's asked about it has turned him away. Short of calling everybody with that last name in the phone book, does anyone else have any suggestions on what he could do? Thanks!

freebread03

I completely understand wanting to meet his birth parents, but I think it's a complete invasion of THEIR privacy-they wanted a closed adoption for a reason, and it could be very painful for them and their family of your FI found them.  I myself am adopted--but it was an open adoption.  I didn't seek out my birth family, rather, they found me.  While I appreciate that they found me and it's been fun getting to know my biological sister, it's also been an emotional burden for me because they (grandparents mostly) have been more interested in getting to know me than me getting to know them.  

It's not that they wouldn't want to meet him if he found them, but when it comes down to it, they are strangers to him and he's a stranger to them.  People have their own lives and plenty going on already, and I hate to say it, but they might not have room for him in their lives, and this might be very hurtful to him.  I really think he should let it be and not seek them out since it was a closed adoption.

If this is mostly for medical reasons as you say above, he might be able to find out more through the adoption agency (asking for this rather than contact info might be more successful).  Oftentimes this information will be included in an adoption packet because many adoptive parents want to know about medical history.

EDIT:  Forgot to add, even if he does find his birth mother, if she was a teenager (like mine was) it's probably unlikely that he finds his birth father, and any medical information on that side.

GardenMaven

Both my older sister and I were adopted in closed adoptions as infants.  We have both found our birth parents and it has been a wonderful experience.  Just because it is a closed adoption, does not mean that the birth parents DON'T ever want to see or hear from the child they gave up.  There is a possibility that they don't but I would not assume that.

I had a rather odd experience because my birth parents ended up getting married years after I was given up.  I found out that I have two biological siblings when I found them.  One will be in my wedding!  :-)  I have been able to meet the entire extended family, and they are very much a part of my life.  My adopted parents were wary at first, but they also see both my birth family and my sister's birth family as "family" now.

My sister had more of the tradition situation.  It took a while to find her birth mother, and then longer to find her birth father.  I know she went through the adoption agency that we were adopted through to get information.  

I would suggest looking into the agency that he was adopted through first.  It can vary from state to state, so you may not be able to get much or any information.  (We were adopted in WI.)  You may also try contacting a lawyer that specializes in adoption law.  They should be able to tell you what you can do legally and the possible channels to go through.

freebread03

If he does go through with trying to find them, he should use an attorney who can reach out to the birth parents (if found) first to find out if they are interested in contact.  IMO, this is a lot better than him reaching out on his own and still protects the privacy of the birth parents.  It also enables them to say "no" if they are not interested in meeting.

mandi195

I agree with PP suggestion about an attorney. I would seek out an attorney that deals with adoptions in your area. They will be able to provide you with answers to basic questions, and may know better ways to get the information you seek. Good luck.

BostonGIrl4732

I searched two years ago and found my (married) birthparents and two sisters.  I don't really have much to do with my birthparents anymore but my sisters are amazing (and hopefully they will be at my wedding!).  I would do it all over again in a heartbeat!  It has nothing to do with my adoptive parents at all (who are fantastic) but everything to do with finding my "missing puzzle pieces".  I am a lot more comfortable with myself now and it's helped pretty much all of my relationships (even with my adoptive parents and sister).

As for searching, it all depends on the state.  Most states make it a pain to get that information but it can be done.  The first step is to research the specific laws of the state.  If the state allows for the release of "non-identifying information", get it.  He should also ask his adoptive mother for any information that she has regarding the adoption.  They gave my adoptive parents more information than they marked on the non-id form and ultimately that's how I found my birthparents.

The internet is your friend here.  It took me a short amount of time.  Others spend years searching.  Best of luck to you both!!!

CALEO

My fi is adopted.  He doesn't have any interest in locating his birth parents.

I'm not totally sure how I feel about the issue.

GardenMaven

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_nwr-closed-adoptions-and-birth-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:49fd52ca-0acd-4b60-8042-41c2604e1ad6Post:78315366-50bc-4bb0-8c68-0b0058ab9509">Re: NWR: Closed adoptions and birth parents</a>:
[QUOTE]Garden Maven we have the same history.  I have two full birth sisters.  They're my best friends.
Posted by 1covejack[/QUOTE]

<div>Awesome!  I have a full birth sister and brother.  My bio sister is one of my BM.  :-)  I definitely talk more with her than my bio brother, but that has more to do with him being a guy and not really being that interested in girl stuff.  Lol </div>

GardenMaven

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_nwr-closed-adoptions-and-birth-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:49fd52ca-0acd-4b60-8042-41c2604e1ad6Post:b4a19b62-d4ae-4e8e-9cdb-b0197bb06325">Re: NWR: Closed adoptions and birth parents</a>:
[QUOTE]Tell hiim to register with every service he can find.  They do blind matches, based on birthdates and available information.  The International Soundex Registry is the most common adoption registry.  Was he adopted through an agency? They may have one, too. Most are free. <a href="http://www.isrr.org/About.html" rel="nofollow">http://www.isrr.org/About.html</a> Bastard Nation is another. To those of you above:  <strong>Searching has absolutely nothing to do with "being disrespectful" or "respectful" to the adoptive parents.  It has absolutely nothing to do with them whatsoever. </strong>People outside the adoption triad don't understand that adoption brings with it certain issues.  It's supposed to benefit everyone, so they are puzzled when adoptees question it  "Weren't they good to you?"  "Don't you worry about 'hurting them'"? "Violating privacy" and such are common clueless clod questions.  The hostility aimed at birthparents is even worse.  (I refer to them to "The Girls Who Went Away")
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Completely agree with this!  My adopted parents were very supportive of both me and my sister when we wanted to search.  I know they were nervous, but more for what we would find than for themselves.  They are great parents and I wouldn't trade them for the world.  At the same time, I have always wanted to know where I came from.  When I was little I always wanted my mom to read the single sheet of information they had to me.  I was always curious!</div><div>
</div><div>In the end I was lucky and was able to gain more loving family members.  I know that is not always the case.  </div><div>
</div>

freebread03

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_nwr-closed-adoptions-and-birth-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:49fd52ca-0acd-4b60-8042-41c2604e1ad6Post:b4a19b62-d4ae-4e8e-9cdb-b0197bb06325">Re: NWR: Closed adoptions and birth parents</a>:
[QUOTE]Tell hiim to register with every service he can find.  They do blind matches, based on birthdates and available information.  The International Soundex Registry is the most common adoption registry.  Was he adopted through an agency? They may have one, too. Most are free. <a href="http://www.isrr.org/About.html" rel="nofollow">http://www.isrr.org/About.html</a> Bastard Nation is another. <em>To those of you above:  Searching has absolutely nothing to do with "being disrespectful" or "respectful" to the adoptive parents.  It has absolutely nothing to do with them whatsoever. People outside the adoption triad don't understand that adoption brings with it certain issues.  It's supposed to benefit everyone, so they are puzzled when adoptees question it  "Weren't they good to you?"  "Don't you worry about 'hurting them'"? "Violating privacy" and such are common clueless clod questions.  The hostility aimed at birthparents is even worse.  (I refer to them to "The Girls Who Went Away")</em>
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Retread, I usually agree with you, but I don't necessarily agree with this.  I actually DO understand the issues associated with adoption--just because I didn't seek out my birth parents doesn't mean I don't understand the issues, etc.  I DO think it violates some level of privacy, which is why I suggested going through an attorney.  I felt like MY privacy was violated when my birth family found me, and with it came the emotional burden of staying in touch with them and meeting THEIR emotional needs.  And I had an open adoption.  So I really dont think that saying it's a violation of privacy is a "clueless clod question" as you state.

</div>

GardenMaven

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_nwr-closed-adoptions-and-birth-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:49fd52ca-0acd-4b60-8042-41c2604e1ad6Post:cf9863ba-596f-48c7-8a7c-d2857d448e41">Re: NWR: Closed adoptions and birth parents</a>:
[QUOTE]Freebread, what you should have done was write them a letter telling them a bit about the life you had, thanking them for giving it to you, perhaps send them a few photos, and then explained that you didn't want more contact.  You can still do this.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

<div>Freebread- I was going to say something similair to the above.  Regardless of who reaches out, the receiving party can say, "no thanks".  I am not sure why you feel obligated to stay in touch if it is troubling to you.  Had my birth family said that they would rather not meet me or be involved with my life, I would have been hurt, but that is their right.  I would have moved on.  </div>

BostonGIrl4732

Here's the thing.  Records aren't sealed to protect birthparents.  I was born in October and adopted officially in August the following year.  From October to August, I had my original birth certificate.  My adoptive parents could have requested it.  My birthparents names would have been on it.  If it was really about their confidentiality, the records would be sealed the minute the birthparents signed surrender agreements.  They aren't.  If I had never been adopted and stayed in the foster care system and aged out, I'd still have my birthparents' names on my birth certificate.

Yes, birthparents deserve privacy.  But that doesn't mean that they should have their identities legally withheld from their adult children down the road.  All adoptees should be able to get their original paperwork and to know where they come from.  As adults, it's up to them if they want to reach out.

Should an adoptee want to reach out, they should be able to do so without jumping through hoops.  It's really up to each individual adoptee.  And reaching out could mean a variety of things.  For some it might mean a relationship, for others, one meeting, and for others still, just an exchange of information.  Each situation is different.

Getting off my soapbox now...