A bit upset over fiance and wedding songs

HISVIENNA

Well I am upset! 

Over a year trying to get him to help pick out the personal things he has just not been part of. He didn't even know what songs we were dancing to till last night and didn't even listen to them.  He then said he would pick out his mom and son song and spent hours trying to find the right one.

How can I dance our first dance with him knowing it means nothing to him he don’t even know the words, why, or bother to listen to it, help pick it out, and zero involvement or care about it for that matter than watch him dance with his mother and it be meaningful to him?  I just feel like it makes the reception about him and is mom and not about us? I know it’s weird but I just don’t see me dancing with him and having zero connection to the dance and son then watch him dance with is mom and it be the only dance that has meaning to my new husband when the wedding is suppose to meaningful to us all.  I think he should at least have spent equal time caring about both ours and his mother’s song. Now it just seems meaningless to bother dancing a first dance when it means so little to him? I think I am just freaking out.  Would that bug you any? 

redheadfsu

I doubt this is actually about the song.

Either you are stressing over wedding details and blowing this out of proportion or there are much deeper issues here (relationship issues) and instead of focusing on the real issues, you are focusing on the song. Talk to your FI and explain (calmly) how you feel. But don't compare his relationship with his mom to your relationship. Without knowing more details, I don't know if you are just freaking out over wedding stress or if it is a relationship issue.

rlavach

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_a-bit-upset-over-fiance-and-wedding-songs?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:4ec1d5f0-8512-419c-aba8-5362000de4f4Post:fb336d52-c384-46f5-b756-bd47be4fe7d0">Re: A bit upset over fiance and wedding songs</a>:
[QUOTE]I doubt this is actually about the song. Either you are stressing over wedding details and blowing this out of proportion or there are much deeper issues here (relationship issues) and instead of focusing on the real issues, you are focusing on the song. Talk to your FI and explain (calmly) how you feel. But don't compare his relationship with his mom to your relationship. Without knowing more details, I don't know if you are just freaking out over wedding stress or if it is a relationship issue.
Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]
This, exactly. I can understand being upset that your FI isn't showing interest in something that matters to you, but this seems like it's much more than that. Honestly, I was bored during our first dance & cut it short. I wanted to eat & party! 

Maggie0829

I agree with PP about this being more then just about a song.

For our first dance I always liked a certain song.  When it came time to nailing it down I told my H "I love this song", played it for him, and within 30 seconds of the song he said "yep, sounds good to me."  Was I hurt that he didn't care more?  No.  That is just how he is.  Does he know every single word to the song?  No and honestly neither do I.

I think you need to take a breath and realize that maybe he doesn't care about the song because you have already picked it.  Maybe he was happy to finally be able to pick something starting from scratch rather then just go along with what you already had and that is why he spent a while on the song for his dance with his Mom.  Either way you need to relax and realize that in the end it is just a song.

HobokensFury

DItto PP. It sounds like you 2 have deeper issues than picking a first dance song.

semplesarah

Does it bother you that he didnt listen or that he spent so much time on the Mother Son dance?

JNV825

only you know your relationship so I will not comment on that, but I was in a similar boat. I was tossing around 3 songs that I thought would make great frist dance songs for FI and I, I also had a song in mind for us to be introduced to and to cut the cake too. I mentioned one day that I wanted him to sit down and make the final decision on these songs with me and his response was "I honestly don't give a crap about the songs so you can pick them up." I wouldn't say I was mad in the slightest but I was annoyed, but then again FI's prepspective on the wedding is that as long as I meet him at the altar and say "I do" then he doesn't care what else happens that day. I still wanted his input though since a) he had to dance to it and he doesn't dance at all and b) this is a song I want to be able to say "aww babe it's *our* song from here on out whenever I hear it. So I waited until he was in an awesome mood and just so happened to be in the tub. So I grabbed the laptop played the three songs while her relaxed in the tub and he got into and we made all of our decisions music wise. Try hitting him when he is in a good proactive wedding planning mood. Those moods might be rare but chances are he will have one or two before the wedding, save the really sentinmental things hat are important to you until then and don't worry if he doesn't care about what your perosnalized napkins say or what brand of mints you are putting in your bathroom baskets. 

HISVIENNA

Honestly I have not deep rooted issues or any with my FI's mother. Had he found it more important and meaninful to care about anyones dance besides ours at our weddign it would upset me considering he didn't take a second to care what ours was, listen to it, even know what  it was about.  I DO care about the dance I am not doing it for a dog and pony show I want it to mean something to the both of us it is OUR first dance as husband and wife.   NO deep rooted issue just plan an simple this is suppose to mean something to us and I want it to and it upsets me it's our wedding and he was more interesting is his dance with someone else and the song meaning something then his first dance with his wife. I spoke to him about it last night and the man literaly just thought of it as FOR SHOW. When I asked him if it was for SHOW why does he care so much about the words and meaning to his moms song. He simply said, because this will be the last time I dance with her, I am yours well have many.  

With that very well said reason I told me I understood but our first dance is important to me to take time to listen to it and know what they are saying so we both get what we want.  

He agreed and watch youtube version of it online for a while to make me happy. 

LOL

HISVIENNA

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_a-bit-upset-over-fiance-and-wedding-songs?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:4ec1d5f0-8512-419c-aba8-5362000de4f4Post:142ceef0-04ba-491b-96b3-269c4efff8c6">Re: A bit upset over fiance and wedding songs</a>:
[QUOTE]The only answer is to call off the wedding.  Sorry.
Posted by LingerLonger1[/QUOT<div>
</div><div>Oh yeah that is it. LOL HAHA  Wow, sad. 
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Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_a-bit-upset-over-fiance-and-wedding-songs?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:4ec1d5f0-8512-419c-aba8-5362000de4f4Post:7d81d89b-31a8-4542-af82-1bcc31605d44">Re: A bit upset over fiance and wedding songs</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly I have not deep rooted issues or any with my FI's mother. Had he found it more important and meaninful to care about anyones dance besides ours at our weddign it would upset me considering he didn't take a second to care what ours was, listen to it, even know what  it was about.  I DO care about the dance I am not doing it for a dog and pony show I want it to mean something to the both of us it is OUR first dance as husband and wife.   NO deep rooted issue just plan an simple this is suppose to mean something to us and I want it to and it upsets me it's our wedding and he was more interesting is his dance with someone else and the song meaning something then his first dance with his wife. I spoke to him about it last night and the man literaly just thought of it as FOR SHOW. When I asked him if it was for SHOW why does he care so much about the words and meaning to his moms song. He simply said, because this will be the last time I dance with her, I am yours well have many.   With that very well said reason I told me I understood but our first dance is important to me to take time to listen to it and know what they are saying so we both get what we want.   He agreed and watch youtube version of it online for a while to make me happy.  LOL
Posted by HISVIENNA[/QUOTE]

Wow, your post is really difficult to understand.

Has he always been uninterested about things?  If so, that is not going to change just because you two are getting married.  Honestly I think you are taking everything that is happening too personally.  My H and I certainly didn't have a first dance just to "put on a show", we did it because we wanted a first dance.  Dancing with him as my new husband was more important then the song playing in the background.  For all we cared we could have danced to Chumbawamba "Tubthumping" and it still would have been memorable and meaningful because we were finally married and dancing as husband and wife.  And your FI is kind of right, you will have many dances as husband and wife, this is just the first of many.

HISVIENNA

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_a-bit-upset-over-fiance-and-wedding-songs?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:4ec1d5f0-8512-419c-aba8-5362000de4f4Post:8a17b8d7-196a-45be-9812-2fb7a824d2c0">Re: A bit upset over fiance and wedding songs</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: A bit upset over fiance and wedding songs : Wow, your post is really difficult to understand. Has he always been uninterested about things?  If so, that is not going to change just because you two are getting married.  Honestly I think you are taking everything that is happening too personally.  My H and I certainly didn't have a first dance just to "put on a show", we did it because we wanted a first dance.  Dancing with him as my new husband was more important then the song playing in the background.  For all we cared we could have danced to Chumbawamba "Tubthumping" and it still would have been memorable and meaningful because we were finally married and dancing as husband and wife.  And your FI is kind of right, you will have many dances as husband and wife, this is just the first of many.
Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>No he has not alway been unintersted? He is great and just had no idea what it meant to me for HIM to also care about our song as well as the dance. We resolved it last night.   We are A okay and moved no.  We are both now pleased with all asspects of the wedding. WooT

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bridget1312

I get it....  Its the first time you two will dance as husband and wife...  everyone can all say all they want, but I totally get it!!!  Just telling him how you feel about it, helped!  So, you two figured it out..  Congrats!!!    Its your day!!!  People on here can be a little misunderstanding sometimes...  Best wishes hisvienna!!!  So happy for you and glad you were able to resolve it!!! 

runpipparun

My music preferences are more strongly informed by my parents than my fiance, so consider that he's got some music history with his mom.

HOWEVER...

As a social/performance dancer and dance teacher who has taught many couples to dance before their weddings...

I personally don't get the obsession with this tradition... Unless dancing has been a huge part of your life and relationship up to this point, then what makes your first dance as a married couple so super meaningful (or necessary)? Is it really going to be the prelude to a lifetime of 1,000,000 dances as a married couple? Very few people spend that much time dancing together, let's be honest. I feel that WAY too many couples put WAY too much pressure on this 3-minute task, and it often causes a lot of friction between them and stress on the both parties during the ceremony. If dancing wasn't a big part of your life before, don't use this as an opportunity to try to force it into something it wasn't. I have witnessed and had to allay many a quarrel over this tradition. And convince people now is NOT the time to try to re-enact Dirty Dancing in 3 one-hour lessons.

But many of the weddings I've gone to are "dancer" weddings where the first dance is SUPER meaningful for the couple, because they met on the dance floor or they have spent so much time dancing together during their "courtship." They share a love of waltz or swing or latin. They usually put a ton of thought and time and effort into it, whether they work together to choreograph it themselves or they make it spontaneous.