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need some about new step children badly sorry a really long

ok so fi's 15 year old daughter and i have a (sometimes) good relationship. between him and i we have four kids i have two (2 and 5) and he has two (14 and 15). They all live with us(stressful) but anyways when scott and I first got together his daughter was not ok with it, it was the whole someone replacing her mother(they have been seperated for 13 years). This I can understand, my parents are divorced. His daughter had always found a way to cause problems in his relationships and normally it doesnt work because the women cant deal with her crap! well after me sticking through alot of drama including her going to jail, him and I became engaged. We are both madly in love annd his daughter has begun to realize im here for the long run. I love his kids and he loves mine. His daughter has substance abuse issues and alot of mental issues due to things that have happened with her mother and we were trying to get her help. She was arrested in december for assult against her father and her brother, and was not allowed to live with us until court was done. It finally finishe this past month and she moved home. Things were going good (or so we thought). She was back in school and wasnt doing drugs and was doing what she was supposed to be doing. Now the rule was no friends in the house when were not here because of money or things going missing. Slowly we have allowed friends in when were not here for short periods of time. Well saturday we decided to give her the benefit of the doubt and allow her to have a friend over 1 friend and her brother was having 1 over as well, my kids were with their father for the weekend. So fi and I decided it would be nice to get away for the night and relax, so we did. Only to come home to his daughter having a party here while we were gone they were drinking and doing drugs and she had a known drug dealer in the house!!!!!!! now shes on probation. So her dad and her get into it and she flips out and says shes going to a friends house for the night, fi says no your grounded, she starts yelling and flipping out finally after three hours she gives up and goes to bed. So today she has an appointment with her probation officer (shes already missed her first appointment because she didnt want to go) so shes already been warned that she cannot miss anymore or shes going to jail. FINE! so this morning she asks her dad to drive her (its a 15 min walk) he said no he had to work and she is quite able to walk it was nice out and its not far. So she calls her po and says she not coming. I then get the phone call from her po saying they are going to issue a warrant if shes not there at 330 they called at 1100). I had to run to fi sons school to pay for his grad dinner so i ran out for all of 10 minuites only to find out in the mean time fi has come home and shes here with three friends (shes grounded and now the rule is NO friends at all after this weekend) so i come home with my step son to go take him to get his suit for grad and we lock all the doors put the dogs downstairs, we were out for an hour. Now fi daughter does not have a key because she cant be trusted. So we come home after about an hour of being out and the dogs are out!! She came through the window into the house GGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Tonight fi calls her and asks her if she went to her appointment (she didnt) and then she tells him that she will not be in our wedding and will not be attending! I dont know what to do fi is so upset and now i dont know what to do. I mean she has done all of this to herself her brother is also soooooo upset because she just moved back home and now this. He loves his sister and wants her to get help but when he called her tonight she told him it was all my fault and thats why shes not coming home. I had nothing to do with it at all I let her father deal with it all and now Im the bad guy. I just dont know what to do anymore I love them all but im at my whits end. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Re: need some about new step children badly sorry a really long

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    Next time, let her go to jail.
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    She just moved back home "this past month" and you had already started to let her have 1 friend over when you weren't home.  I think it'd take a h#ll of a lot longer for my daughter to build up trust after being out of the home for assault.  I also don't understand at the age of 14 why she is being trusted to do anything on her own.  I'd be pulling her by her ear to her PO appointment and supervising what goes on.  She seems like she is given way too much freedom and none of it was earned by good behavior.  It almost sounds like your FI is just down dealing with her.

    If I acted like this at age 14 my mother would keep me in her site 24/7, and if she couldn't she'd have probably gotten me a babysitter because I couldn't be trusted.  If she's going to act like a juvenile who needs supervision, then that's how she needs to be treated. 

    I think you were right to let her father handle it, and as the step mom (or soon to be) you are ALWAYS going to be the bad guy, it's just how it is.  You need to support your FI and help him see that his daughter obviously needs a little more hand holding - but you've also got to worry about your kids and the affect it will have on them being exposed to such behavior.  If it continues to happen then maybe it isn't the best thing for you all to be living under the same roof for a while. 

    Blending families I would imagine can't be anything but difficult, especially when the daughter seems to have succeeded in running every other attempt off for the past 13 years.  Besides partying, does the girl have any interests?  Any hobbies?  Is there anything that you can help her focus on that can help her feel good about herself and maybe help her understand that you're there for her if she needs you?  I know that sounds silly, but she's so young and I'd hate to see someone give up on her and let her continue down this road.  She'll be pregnant by 16. 

    Just keep in perspective her age.........telling her to walk to her PO is the most irresponsible thing I've ever heard.  I just don't see how you or FI allow her to make those decisions on her own.  She is not 18. 

    Good Luck. 
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    stackeye, she's 15, not 7. she's old enough to take responsibility for her actions and pay the consequences for them. she needs to be responsible for herself, which is exactly what her father is doing. it's HER responsibility to get to her appointment with her PO, not her father's. if she doesn't, she pays the price for it. i don't agree with doing everything for her, it's not going to help her at all. 

    send her to boarding school, maybe a military one. other than that i'll be honest there's probably not a whole lot you can do unless she wants to do it. you can't force a 15 year old to straighten up and do what you want her too.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_need-new-step-children-badly-sorry-really-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:5068b7b3-92c3-4e23-be45-adba2a22b3adPost:0dd2f9d4-f67e-4163-8a67-59e64fa8a1d4">Re: need some about new step children badly sorry a really long</a>:
    [QUOTE]stackeye, she's 15, not 7. she's old enough to take responsibility for her actions and pay the consequences for them. she needs to be responsible for herself, which is exactly what her father is doing. it's HER responsibility to get to her appointment with her PO, not her father's. if she doesn't, she pays the price for it. i don't agree with doing everything for her, it's not going to help her at all.  send her to boarding school, maybe a military one. other than that i'll be honest there's probably not a whole lot you can do unless she wants to do it. you can't force a 15 year old to straighten up and do what you want her too.
    Posted by psichick[/QUOTE]

    PSI- she's 15, not 25.  She is a CHILD.  Children need supervision, not freedom.  You do not get a child back after being arrested for assault and say-"Do what you want, you're 15, you are responsible."  Obviously, she is not.  At 15, I didn't always understand the consequences, which is what I think is going on here.  She is used to just getting away with stuff.  I agree with Stackeye.  Girl needs to be on lock down with a babysitter (preferably a college aged one).
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    Since she missed her 2nd appointment with her PO is seems like she will be going to jail and she should.  When she gets out I think you and your FI need to discuss how things will be.  She is 15 and needs to take responsibility for her actions, which mean she should be able to make arrangements to get to her PO appointments.  Remind her that the consequences for not doing so is jail.

    You and your FI can't reward her bad behavior. Given her history she would not be allowed to have any friends over and would not be left alone for more than 20 min.  I would enforce a strict 7:30 curfew and she would have to submit to weekly drug testing. 

    I grew up with a girl like this, all was fine for quite some time then she just started running with the wrong crowd.  Her parents were not strict enough on he.  They would ground her then she would claim she was hanging with me and they would let her just go out.  Of course her lies were soon uncovered, but by that time she had a serious drug problem and was pimping herself out to pay for it.  To this day her parents still believe that there was nothing they could have done to change it.

    From what you wrote it seems that you and your FI are committed to being good parents.  This girl is really testing that ability, I say do not give up.  As Stackeye said you are the step-parent and you will always be the bad guy.  So take on that role with pride.  You know what is is like to parent toddlers and preschooler, and this girl probably needs the same amount of attention if she is going to get on the right path. 

    Continue to allow your FI to take the lead on these matters and support him.       


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    She is old enough to pay for what she has done. And she is obviously making her own ecisions. My brother was a drug addict around the same age. My parents are divorced & my dad remarried. My step mom came into alot of cayos too. The best thing you can do is support your husband/FI. He is very stressed out as is the rest of the family. You kill your step daughter with love. That's what my step mom did w/my brother & me. I didn't like my step mom at first. Drug addicts find an excuse/blame it on someone else every time. It's the world they live in. Just LOVE your step daughter & show your step son love too as you have been and be there for him too. Just over kill love on your step daughter
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    Stackeye210Stackeye210 member
    First Comment
    edited June 2010
    In Response to Re: need some about new step children badly sorry a really long:
    stackeye, she's 15, not 7. she's old enough to take responsibility for her actions and pay the consequences for them. she needs to be responsible for herself, which is exactly what her father is doing. it's HER responsibility to get to her appointment with her PO, not her father's. if she doesn't, she pays the price for it. i don't agree with doing everything for her, it's not going to help her at all.  send her to boarding school, maybe a military one. other than that i'll be honest there's probably not a whole lot you can do unless she wants to do it. you can't force a 15 year old to straighten up and do what you want her too.
    Posted by psichick


    Nobody said anything about doing everything for her.  The point of my post is if she can't be trusted then she needs adult supervision.  She is 15 - she is not of legal age to make her own decisions.  In a perfect world at the age of around 15 you start to loosen the leash, but it's apparent this girl isn't ready for that.  Her actions have proven that, therefore she shouldn't get the perks of a responsible teenager. 

    Parenting is 100% about follow through when dealing with discipline.  It's about making them accountable for their actions and understanding that there are consequences for them.  Allowing her to have free reign of the house within a month of getting back into the home is not following through with accountability OR giving consequences for bad behavior.  It's showing her to "do what you want and the punishment will only last for a very short time". 

    No child should be locked up in the house but it's obvious telling her she can go to a friends house and letting her walk isn't something she has earned.  (this is just an example, not something that was brought up by OP)  She has proven that she needs taken to said friends house, talk to the parents and then calling and checking up on her while she's there to make sure she is where she's supposed to be.  That is what this girl asked for when she started breaking rules. 
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    My parents divorced when I was 2 years old and both remarried when I was around 7 and 8, I know how it can feel when a step mom comes into the picture.
    My brother was on probation when he was 16 and 17 for a DUI, I can't remember which one, and I know the PO had a very long talk about how our parents had a very large responsibility in his probation. And how if they are not doing everything they can to get him to his appointments do his community service etc. they will receive citations from the court or even jail time. It was the same way with my truency issues in high school.
    The girl is only 15 she needs yalls help and support, I can't belive you would make her walk to probation. I wouldnt go either. You are her parents and you have a responsibility to help and provide for her, if thats a ride to probabtion then you need to give it to her. I know I am not a parent, I am only 22 but I have been on the daughters side (excluding the drugs and drinking) and she probably wants someone to care. Dont push her away right now. Thats just my opinion!!
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    psichick, I'm glad to see you're not in an area where you could be practicing (if that is indeed what your name means) near any of my loved ones. You have a warped view of psychiatry and psychology.
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    Ok so heres the update yesterday after she left here she went to her friends AN HOUR WALK and had no problem going there, fi did tell her to find her own way there and i found out today he had given her money for the bus. But today I come home from a very stressful day (my ex has been in really bad accident) only to find that the stereo system I had removed from my car before I sold it that was in the basement is now missing. So the police are now on their way here to make a report. Fi is mad and well so am I. As for the earlier post of why we let her have friends over, well when she wasnt living here she was allowed to visit with my supervision, and this friend of hers had been here many timesa and seemed like a really good kid. Fi had talked to this girls mother and she was stopping by to check on things, well she did and tonight we found out this women knew all these people were here drinking and doing drugs. We also found the alcohol bag with the reciept in it tonight(they are not to brite). We tried to give er the benefit of the doubt by trusting her, unfortunatly she proved she cannot be trusted. She will be 16 soon and I think right now she will be spending it in jail, I am pressing charges for theft, I will not let her or her friends steel from me that will not be something I will put up with. I will let you all know how it goes after the police leave wish me luck.
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    What an awful thing to have to walk into.  Just stand by your FI's side and support him.  When tempers flare just remember to support one another and not let the stress tear you apart.  Best of luck. 
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    She is a minor.  That means she is her parents or guardians responsibility.  I know people are saying she is old enough to make her own decisions, but the time for that is when she moves out of your house.  Her father should be enforcing rules, not letting her do everything on her own.  Children need boundaries, they do not need their parents to be their friends.  At this point, she is in your husbands and your care, and I think you should do everything in her power to keep her in line and doing what she needs to do while you still can.  Once she's an adult, then you really have no control.  Now that you legally have control over her, you need to do something now.

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    so police game made the report. Then I finally took a look around just to make sure nothing else was broke or missing. Only to find drugs, a bong as well as their booze for they had. Fi has had enough! She just doesnt care who shes hurting by doing all of these things. As for all the previous posts about us having to be responsible for her, we are and have done everything we can. No we did not drive her to her po appointment as fi HAD to work, he has already lost a previous job while we were going through all of her court when she was first arrrested the week before christmas. He could not afford to take time off, and I myself had many things to do that day. Im not saying its right but at the same time by the time i got home that day she had already left. WE ARE TRYING!! We also have three other children My youngest is not even two yet and still needs alot of attention, she has lots of health issues, and I have a five year old that is very demanding. So NO I cannot jump and do eveything she needs all the time and as far as I was concerned that day she had already called her po and told her she was not coming we both told her she HAD to go and she just doesnt care so we are finally to the point that fine we cannot make you go so this is your descision she knows she will go to jail if she doesnt go and her outlook is oh well. She needs help and we have tried everything councelling, rehab everything we can think of and she refuses to go.

    Anyways we have a meeting with her po tommorow and we are taking all of the stuff we have found into and just telling them that enough is enough. we are at our whits end and really have no idea what to do anymore, we dont want to hurt our other children anymore. They see this and its not fair to have to see her blow ups her discrespect. (they dont see her doing drugs or drinking just the attitude)
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    Candiss - it sounds like you are doing everything you can do.  I hope someone can reach out and give you some help w/o her having to go to jail.  You are definitely right to be thinking about your other kids in this situation, you don't want them to learn this sort of behavior.  I really do wish you the best of luck. 
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    I think the girl could use some therapy.  She's in that (usually) awful young teenager stage.  Her parents are divorced.  Her dad is getting remarried.  I think she could benefit from some professional help.

    No, that's not my real name. And FH's name isn't Nun (as in Nun ya bidness) either.
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