My wedding is in 24 days. Can someone please take care of all of the following:
1. Choose my first dance song, preferably country.
2. Choose a nice non-religious reading for the ceremony. I like idea of children's book excerpts, but the commonly used Velveteen Rabbit excerpt isn't doing it for me (skin horse is a little hannibal lecter for me). I also can't get over the start of the Pooh excerpt, "wherever I go there's always pooh" .... I can already hear the snickers in the crowd.
3. Remove any "dooms-day" components from the ceremony my minister proposed (i.e. talk about anger, fights, adultery, to be strong when the love disappears). Also tell my minister to cut his mullet. No, wait, the mullet can stay; it's kind of funny.
4. Tell the family members, the ones that have never seen me out of diapers, that NO, they cannot bring their five high-school & college-aged children whom I have never met. I have turned in to a Yes-machine just to avoid any conflict. We are already over capacity for the ceremony because out of 250 invited, 252 confirmed coming. How in the WORLD does that happen?! Grrr........ now i can make that 257.
5. Give my mom a paper bag to breathe into. Tell her the programs and table assignments can be printed next week, but definitely not within the next 5 minutes. Her dress looks great. I don't care what color shoes she gets. Yes, I heard her when she told me it takes 3 months to tone arms and No I haven't been doing it, mostly out of spite. Yes I am still on my diet, No I don't want to tell her my weight. No, I will not submit her favorite 50 songs to the DJ. Of course we are going to do the electric slide! And the YMCA! And the chicken dance! <-- say that all with a huge smile!!! Also tell her to stop invoicing me for the over-budget amount. I've told her ten times that we ALREADY wrote a check directly to the reception venue for the remaining balance. Assure her that my wedding is going to be everything she ever wanted hers to be!
6. Return my FMIL's 5 daily phone calls and 15 text messages. Remind her that she can spend some of that time harassing her son. I'm sure he is feeling left out. Also, let her know that I don't have time to sit down with her for "several hours" this Saturday (her words, not mine) to pick out 25 slideshow photos of my FI. I'm sure they are all cute. I wonder how much of a bridge I'd burn if I show up, close my eyes, pick a handful out of the box, and say "all done!"
7. Find me a prescription for Xanax
8. Come up with a gift for my FSIL. All I can come up with is a water bong or a tie dyed shirt. Also tell her with a smile that Of Course I'm happy to pay for her hotel room. At 29 years old (I'm 28), who could expect her to arrange her own room? And of course - per her request- I can keep it a secret from FMIL that she asked us for help. She wouldn't want them to know she's broke. I'm sure they were proud when she turned down their offer to pay for her room. She's finally growing up!
Disclaimer: I thought it was a good idea to vent before I make some phone calls. I am really not a raging b*tch! I just feel like I'm in the twilight zone lately.... these people are NUTS!