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Frustrated with FI (rant)

So at dinner tonight, my FI asked me if I have one of his friends (let's call her Tammy, since I don't want to use her actual name) added on Facebook.  I said "no" and asked why.  Then he said something about a Tammy telling only a select few of her friends some big secret, and he said this secret was eating at the back of his brain (as in it was bothering him).  I asked what it was and he said he couldn't tell me because he felt like he would be breaking his trust with her.  Tammy is "supposedly" his best friend, yet we almost never see her unless it is for some sort of party she is throwing.  My issue is this... What sort of adults play games like this and keep secrets?  She's either 23 or 24 and she acts like she's about 14.  I never really liked her since the first time I met her.  She acts very immature, and I don't comprehend why my FI would want to be friends with someone like her.  He's been kind enough to pick her up from the bar several times because she was to drunk to drive, and many of these times, she's had to crash at our place.  Anyway sorry to go off on a tangent.  I'm just really frustrated and I do not like that another female is causing my FI to keep secrets from me.  Is it wrong of me to feel this way?
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Re: Frustrated with FI (rant)

  • I would be thinking the same as you probably, that I would want to know.  Once you know that he knows something, it is going to eat you alive until you find out.  He shouldn't have brought it up if he didn't want you to know. 

    I think he should just tell you what's going on, espically since you and her haven't been eye to eye in the past.  
  • Exactly!  I told him he shouldn't have brought it up in the first place.  Now, not knowing is going to drive me bananas, and him knowing is going to continue to drive him crazy...  *sigh*
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  • FI and I have a secrets-exempt kind of arrangement.  If someone tells either of us a secret, it is pretty much understood that we will not tell anyone that secret EXCEPT each other.  

    Maybe that's messed up, I don't know.  But we will literally tell each other everything.  We don't feel like we're betraying anyone, as long as it's just between us.



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  • Oh calm down your being overdramatic. If she is SO immature Im sure the secret isnt that interesting. 
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  • In Response to Re: Frustrated with FI (rant):
    [QUOTE]FI and I have a secrets-exempt kind of arrangement.  If someone tells either of us a secret, it is pretty much understood that we will not tell anyone that secret EXCEPT each other.   Maybe that's messed up, I don't know.  But we will literally tell each other everything.  We don't feel like we're betraying anyone, as long as it's just between us.
    Posted by monkeysip[/QUOTE]



    My FI and I are the same way, when someone tells me something i talk to FI but thats it. OP I would also be upset if my FI had a female friend who shared her secrets with him and i wasnt in the loop...
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  • In Response to Re: Frustrated with FI (rant):
    [QUOTE]FI and I have a secrets-exempt kind of arrangement.  If someone tells either of us a secret, it is pretty much understood that we will not tell anyone that secret EXCEPT each other.   Maybe that's messed up, I don't know.  But we will literally tell each other everything.  We don't feel like we're betraying anyone, as long as it's just between us.
    Posted by monkeysip[/QUOTE]

    We do the same thing.  In fact, if I tell someone who is married something, I assume they will tell the spouse.
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  • In Response to Re: Frustrated with FI (rant):
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Frustrated with FI (rant) : We do the same thing.  In fact, if I tell someone who is married something, I assume they will tell the spouse.
    Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

    I agree with this.  With married/engaged (even long-term dating) people, I assume anything I tell one is going to get passed to the other.  It's weird your FI won't tell you, and I wouldn't like it either.
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  • In Response to Re: Frustrated with FI (rant):
    [QUOTE]FI and I have a secrets-exempt kind of arrangement.  If someone tells either of us a secret, it is pretty much understood that we will not tell anyone that secret EXCEPT each other.   Maybe that's messed up, I don't know.  But we will literally tell each other everything.  We don't feel like we're betraying anyone, as long as it's just between us.
    Posted by monkeysip[/QUOTE]
    While we don't have an official arrangement, it generally works out like this.  If someone tells me this is a secret I will generally tell fiance but no one else, and I know I can trust him not to blab the secret around.  Granted as adults things aren't "secrets" in the teenager since of the word, but more things that are of a sensitive nature that we are told about from friends and those friends do not want everyone knowing about (ie one friend's legal problems). 
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  • I would probably just tell him "I have secrets too, you know," and leave it at that.  It was super shitty that he said "I know something you don't know," though.  Who does that???
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    In Response to Re: Frustrated with FI (rant):
    [QUOTE]I would probably just tell him "I have secrets too, you know," and leave it at that.  It was super shitty that he said "I know something you don't know," though.  Who does that???
    Posted by mcskatcat[/QUOTE]

    This.  
    Your FI sounds really immature to behave this way.  I have a secret but I can't tell you is much more childish than just having a secret.
    Also?  She's probably pregnant.  
  • He shouldn't have brought it up if he wasn't going to tell you.  I'd want to know if I were you.  Although my FI and I tell each other basically everything other people tell us, just no one else.  I thought most people in long-term relationships or marriages did that.  I mean it's not like telling the most important person in your life is going to destroy the little secret.  Especially if you keep it between the two of you.  Secrets like the one your FI and his friend have remind me of high school.  
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  • For me it's not the secret that would be the problem, its that FI feels like he has more loyalty to this other random girl than me.

    My parents are moving out of town, and my dad told my uncle before my mom could tell my aunt, but my mom wanted to be the one to tell my aunt, so my dad asked my uncle not to tell his wife, my aunt.... mom immediately said "what did you do that for?! now i have to call her to tell her bcause it puts uncle in a bad spot!"

    ..generally I think it is understood that married couples share virtually everything....BUT since my dad just assumed that asking uncle not to tell his wife we were moving (not a juicy secret, btw :P) was no big deal, it might be a guy thing... I think they're alot less obsessed with secrets and communication than us girls :P Try explaining to your FI WHY it's so important to you that he tell you.
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  • redheadfsuredheadfsu member
    2500 Comments
    edited April 2012
    In Response to Re: Frustrated with FI (rant):
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Frustrated with FI (rant) : This.   Your FI sounds really immature to behave this way.  I have a secret but I can't tell you is much more childish than just having a secret. Also?  She's probably pregnant.  
    Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

    This.

    Your FI is immature, not "Tammy." Saying, 'I know something you don't,' is the issue, not that she has a secret.

    Maybe she is moving, has a new job, or is pregnant. Telling your close friends something before officially announcing it to the world is not immature and people do it all the time. For example, I'm moving, but I only told close friends about it before I was 100% sure my house was sold because I didn't want my work to know just in case the deal fell apart.

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  • I hate when people do that. "Oh, this person has a secret. Nope, I can't tell you. I just brought it up for no apparent reason to shove it in your face that I can't tell you."

    It literally drives me crazy.

    But as PPs said, my FI and I have the no-secrets rule also. He is my best friend and I tell him everything, as he does with me. I think it's a little silly that he wouldn't just tell you what it was.

  • There are a few things you posted that would concern me. 

    1)  I get being loyal to a friend, but the fact that he's putting her over you would really bother me.  I'm not sure if gender (aka the best friend was male) would really change how I felt.

    2)  "Tammy" gets trashed and your FI has to pick her up....several times...  I like to think I'm a trusting soul, especially with FI, but I would be bothered by this.  Especially, of it happened several times.  Why does she call him?  Does she have any less-than platonic feelings for him?  I do believe that co-ed friendships can be 100% platonic, but if my FI's female friend kept getting trashed and calling him to rescue her.....I don't think I'd be ok with it. 

    3)  Finally, you have a right to feel hurt.  Even if the "secret" is incredibly stupid.  I think you really need to talk about this with your FI.  I also can't help but wonder, if he intended to hurt you, or if it was a stupid, "I-know-something-you-don't-know" move?  I think he owes you an explanation - and an apology.
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  • Um, what? Darling, you need to take a step back and open your eyes..

    So...he wants to know if you have Tammy on FB, which you don't. Then he says that Tammy has a secret that is bothering him. He refuses to tell you because he feels he is breaching her privacy/trust. He always picks her up drunk from the bar. She sleeps at your house. You don't understand why he would spend time with this girl. They are best friends but you barely know her and don't like her.

    I think you need to ask him what it is about him and Tammy that he's so worried you'll find out about.
  • edited April 2012
    You have all the right to be upset at your FI. A marriage is about trust and being open about everything. He shouldn't have a relationship with another female that makes you this uncomfortable not to mention keeping (probably a very stupid) secret from you. *hug* But you should probably address this whole situation with your FI about "Tammy". Tell him that it makes your uncomfortable that he's taking care of her that way. If Tammy needs a ride home, she needs to call a cab and not someone else's fiance to pick her up. She needs to realize that her best friend has the responsibility to take care of another women (who's probably 10 times more mature than herself).
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