cold feet?

bcluttrell

I've been with my fiancee for 2 years and it was really great for the longest time. than idk what happened... There are times when I think that maybe he is perfect for me but than there are times when he is nothing that I want.  There are a lot of things that bother me, especially his drinking,  and he just does not like to talk about them.  I feel like I am possibly making the wrong decision by marrying him but than there are those few moments where i think it could be right.  I don't want to make the wrong decision either way.  Sometimes I think it may just be cold feet but other times i feel like it might actually be wrong. Advice?

mysticl

I didn't vote because I'm giving a 4th option.  The two of you work on things together.  It sounds like it is time for couples therapy, this will provide a safe environment for you to voice your concerns.  Don't be surprised if he comes back with issues of his own. 

Do you think he is an alcoholic?  Is he abusive (physically, verbally, and/or emotionally) when he drinks?  If this is the case do not even consider marrying him until he is in recovery. 

jcoder001

I second the PP because I will tell you this- I was engaged-but did not marry- a man who was abusive in all ways when he drank, then it turned into abusive no matter what. If you love the man- which i am sure you do since your engaged to him, then you both need to work things out, if he is not willing to do so, i would tell him what is at risk- your relationship, I advise you to take this seriously- and you both may need to have Pre-wedding counciling, not saying your in the wrong- just saying i know that it is hard to deal with something like drinking, you will be amazed how it helps- communication is the key in any relationship, i hope this helps- keep your chin up and im here if you need me to listen/advice! good luck
Jamie

jelique7

If you have these feelings before the wedding I would definitely postpone it a while until  you have a chance to figure things out. If you have more bad times than good or  you can think of more bad qualities than good in him then it is time to reevaluate the relationship. I agree with PP do some couples counseling or have a serious talk with him and try to work it out.

[Deleted User]

Wait. You 2 need to get counseling. I am not trying to discourage you from getting married bc it is hard to know the entire situation from your thread, but remember, walking away now is a lot cheaper than divorce a few years down the road.

Really take some time to re-evaluate things by yourself and also tallk to him about it together. Ask him what he is really thinking and feeling. Good luck!

jmkes

I voted no because I think you need to wait.  You have to be SURE that this is the man you want to dedicate your life to.  He has to WANT to change, he has to admit that he has a problem.  From your post it sounds like there is a lot of work to do.  Going through the major commitment of marrying someone is not going to fix them.  This may not be what you want to hear, but you need to hear it.  Marriage vows don't say "just until things get too tough" or "just until you realize that he won't change."  They say "through good times AND bad."  If you aren't certain now that you want to deal with his ways, what makes you think you can deal with them for the next 60 YEARS?  Seek counseling, get help, search your heart, and don't settle.  There may be a tiny bit of co-dependency on your part thinking you need to change him or take care of him.  Loving someone isn't enough to sustain a marriage.  You have to be willing to go through the highest of highs and the lowest of lows with them.  They have to be willing to do the same with you. 

Search your heart and listen to your gut instincts.  GL!

brilibby4

I voted no but I really meant "not right now".  I don't think anyone should get married without being 100% sure they were making the right decision.  IMO, excessive drinking is a huge issue that can easily get worse.  If it bothers you enough to post on a message board about it, something needs to change before you commit to spending the rest of your life with this man.  Please talk to him and seek counseling before you continue any wedding plans.

Sloane99

I don't think this is just a case of cold feet, cold feet, to me, is the realization that "wow, I'm going to spend the rest of my life with this person" and being a little freaked out at the gravity of that statement - not doubting whether or not you actually want to be with them in general especially if there's a potential drinking problem involved. I agree to postpone things, go to counselling and see what you can figure out. Good luck

Kristin&eric

Honestly I dont think you should ask people if you should marry someone or not. They dont know the whole story. You need to talk to him and like other PP's have said maybe see a therapist to talk about things with him. You cant change someone. you have to love them for them, thats the good and the bad. If something really bothers youlike his drinking then i think you should really talk to someone before walking down the asle.

loop0406

If your wedding is 06/11/11, you have time to put the planning on hold and work on things. I think you should be sure that this person makes you happy, has the qualities you're looking for in a life-long partner and completes you. He may get on your nerves here and there and have small things that annoy you, such as leaving toilet seat up or something but you sound like there's more to the issues than that....what's the point of getting married to someone you're not sure about and go through a disappointment/divorce later?

Actions speak louder than words. This is your life, marriage is a big decision, you should see him make changes now and if he can't then you don't need him in your life because clearly, you are not happy.

vegasgroom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cold-feet-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:578dcfcf-31ba-47c1-953c-3ce42aad0b5aPost:1ee73723-cd05-43d8-9368-6f116113051b">cold feet?</a>:
[QUOTE]but than there are those few moments where i think it could be right.
Posted by bcluttrell[/QUOTE]

A statement like that is a reason to go on a second or third date with someone to see where it goes, not a reason to go through with a marriage.

redheadfsu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_cold-feet-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:578dcfcf-31ba-47c1-953c-3ce42aad0b5aPost:ee65eece-4e21-4439-a95c-e84cca27b2c0">Re: cold feet?</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think this is just a case of cold feet, cold feet, to me, is the realization that "wow, I'm going to spend the rest of my life with this person" and being a little freaked out at the gravity of that statement - not doubting whether or not you actually want to be with them in general especially if there's a potential drinking problem involved. I agree to postpone things, go to counselling and see what you can figure out. Good luck
Posted by Sloane99[/QUOTE]

This. Cold feet is more freaking out about forever. I ditto counseling. If you are this unsure (to make a clicky poll about a huge life decision) then you at least need counseling b/f marriage or a divorce lawyer will be in the future.

kpwedkk

I ditto counseling, and talking with each other to find out what do you both want out of marriage, and solo, what do you want?

By asking the question, should I marry, there are some red flags that you both need to look at, to make sure that you are solid with the answer from your heart.

Postpone your wedding until you both are on a sure path to happiness