Family $$ concerns...help!

mayerel

Ok, this may come out snotty, and I'm prepared for that, but I'm really asking for advice, I want to be as inclusive and welcoming as possible!!

My family comes from money. I grew up in one of the wealthiest parts of the US, had a car, have always had nice things. I don't think I take it for granted- I know how hard my family has worked to create this life.

FH's family does not come from money, they often live paycheck to paycheck and are more conscious about spending money.

So far- no problem- until...certain things come up, like hotels for the night of the wedding, they're going to go back to a cheaper motel, my family is staying at the venue (which is also a hotel), attire some of his family doesn't own suits (I think he's exaggerating but whatever...), my mom is concerned because she doesn't want to look like she's trying to "out-do" anyone, FFIL hasn't seen a razor in months! FMIL wants to make her own dress, and that's fine, she's a great seamstress, but I want her to feel as pampered as my mom.

I just want everyone to do whatever makes them comfortable! If my mom wants to wear her sapphire earrings, fine, if FMIL wants to make her own dress, fine! But FH is kinda freaking out about the whole situation!! Any advice?

redheadfsu

I don't think anyone will  be offended, but I don't know them IRL.  As long as you let them be themselves, I don't see a problem. I think they would be more offended if you made this an issue. But...

My advice, have your FI handle any possible issues with his family. If your FI feels like it is an issue, he needs to try to offer solutions that would make his family more comfortable. Is he close enough with his parents to talk about this with them? To let them know that everyone wants them to be comfortable and enjoy themselves. Does he know if in the past they were uncomfortable because they felt out of place?

christinelyn0131

Honestly, I'm kind of sort of in the same boat. My family lives very comfortable and in style, whereas his family is kind of less comfortable and less modern.

I'm really sorry if you get flamed for this post, BTW.

I would not bring it up. I would jsut make sure everyone is happy with what they have, and feels comfortable.

Little anectdote, when MOB met MOG, MOB was coming from work, wearing this great designer suit, awesome shoes and pearl earrings the size of a quarter that swallowed a dime. MOG was wearing a t-shirt, cotton capris, and old lady sandals. Needless to say, it was a tad bit awkward. But they get along great anyways

jmkes

So your FI is worried that his family will feel out of place or "second class" compared to your family?  Did his mom say something to him?  If you have a good relationship with her I would talk to her one on one and tell her that you definitely don't want her to feel out of place.  Tell her you want everyone to feel comfortable in what they wear and how they look.  There's a happy medium in there somewhere.  But sadly it's not up to you to make your FILs feel comforable with their appearance.  The only thing anyone expects of your FILs is to show up and support their son and you on your wedding day.  A self-made dress vs a designer gown makes no difference.

I went through something similar, but it's FILs that have more money and my family that is more middle class.  We found a happy medium and now everyone feels comfortable with what they are wearing and how they will look.

ehathewa

Both families are doing what they are comfortable with and that is OK. 

At least FI's family is not trying to pay for things they cannot... or complaining.  At least your family isn't a bunch of snobs. 

My Fi's family is strapped for cash.  We have three hotel options $50 a night, $99, and $120.  They booked rooms in the $99 option and are complaining about the high cost.  Ug.  I keep dirrecting her to the $50 choice, but she wants to stay closer (10 minutes - woohoo) to the venue. 

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_family-concernshelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:5b974096-70e7-41e7-bfa3-d8f7f4d3489dPost:0131fe82-bce9-4715-bf20-31371754b0a7">Family $$ concerns...help!</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, this may come out snotty, and I'm prepared for that, but I'm really asking for advice, I want to be as inclusive and welcoming as possible!! My family comes from money. I grew up in one of the wealthiest parts of the US, had a car, have always had nice things. I don't think I take it for granted- I know how hard my family has worked to create this life. FH's family does not come from money, they often live paycheck to paycheck and are more conscious about spending money. So far- no problem- until...certain things come up, like hotels for the night of the wedding, they're going to go back to a cheaper motel, my family is staying at the venue (which is also a hotel), attire some of his family doesn't own suits (I think he's exaggerating but whatever...), my mom is concerned because she doesn't want to look like she's trying to "out-do" anyone, FFIL hasn't seen a razor in months! FMIL wants to make her own dress, and that's fine, she's a great seamstress, but I want her to feel as pampered as my mom. I just want everyone to do whatever makes them comfortable! If my mom wants to wear her sapphire earrings, fine, if FMIL wants to make her own dress, fine! But FH is kinda freaking out about the whole situation!! Any advice?
Posted by mayerel[/QUOTE]

I'm confused.  Who's issue is this?  Your mom's?  Just let your parents be themselves.  And let FI's parents be themselves.  The only reason this will be an issue is if anyone makes it an issue.  As long as your mother doesn't act like she's better than FI's family (because, you know, FFIL doesn't shave and no one in the family owns a suit), there won't be a problem. 

As far as the attire, unless you're having a TRUE black tie wedding, you cannot dictate guests/parents attire.  They're grown-ups; they can dress themselves.  The only exception to this is if the church/venue has a dress code, in which case, guests would have to be in compliance with THEIR dress code - not your idea of how they should be dressing.  Knowing that FI's family doesn't have a lot of money, I wouldn't choose a venue that would place a financial hardship on them to attend.

mysticl

You may not mean to do this but I think you and/or your family may be contributing to your FH feelings about his family not fitting in.  It comes across in your post.   Like the fact that you think he's exaggerating about not everyone in his family owning suits.  I know lots of people who don't.  Like my step-father.  He is a farmer not much need for a suit.  He wears a sport coat to church.  But if he wasn't an avid church goer he probably wouldn't even own that.  Your issue with FFIL not seeing a razor in months is irrelevant.  That has nothing to do with money some men just don't shave.  Why do you think FMIL won't feel "pampered" if she makes her own dress?  Why would someone feel "pampered" because they bought a dress?   Where do you shop that you are pampered?    My aunt and uncle are financially well off.  My aunt often makes her special occasion clothes herself.  She does this for several reasons.  1. She can  2. They don't see the need to spend money if there is a less expensive alternative 3. My aunt is 4'11" tall so almost anything she would buy would need altered anyhow. 

Like I said you may not mean to convey these feelings but your upbringing has given you a certain view on the world.  If you have the money for the "extras" and finer things in life, awesome.  Just understand that some things you consider normal (like owning a suit) are luxuries to other people. 

mayerel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_family-concernshelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:5b974096-70e7-41e7-bfa3-d8f7f4d3489dPost:c62df5d9-0eac-4d06-8b46-a08f36b8c29b">Re: Family $$ concerns...help!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Family $$ concerns...help! : I'm confused.  Who's issue is this? 
Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]

Everyone's...but yes, my mom is concerned that she will look like she is trying to out-do FI's family and FI is concerned his family will look like hillbillies (his words, not mine!)

And I don't care if FFIL doesn't shave, or own a suit or anything like that! I love that my FMIL can make her own clothes and she's making our flower girl's dress, it's a talent I do not have! It's more a stress on FI and FMIL, or at least that is how it seems to me- like FI saying his family is hillbillies, or calling his dad Grizzly Adams.

jenellsrevenge

I know my FFIL doesn't own a suit, and there is a good chance that he may show up in jeans, and I can live with that. I have never seen the man in anything else. I don't even know if he owns dress pants. He owns a construction company, and he's a biker, so jeans are a way of life.